This is not an easy task, going through someone's personal belongings after they are gone. I have read others comment on it, back when I was a caregiver, always thinking the end of her life would be so far into the future that I wouldn't have to think on it for a long while.

Making every one happy, is that possible? Making sure things are given to the right person, trying to make the dispersion even. I hate this, part of me wants to back a truck up to the back door, fill it up and donate it. It would be much quicker that way!

The house has been shut up for about a month, since we have things going on in our lives we decided that we didn't have to be in big hurry. There are things that have to be appraised, trying to find someone to do that is another big job.

Right now, I just want the whole thing to vaporize!

Hi, Op, glad to see you chiming in. Like you, I have been "cleaning" up Mom's house, while she is there. It has given me the chance to ask her some questions, (taking the answers with a grain of salt and asking again later in a different way, just to see).

Sometimes it helps. Sometimes the stories are out of whack with what I know, and then she will tell another story, so,,,. At least the house is free of rotten rubber bands, over twisted twist ties and Daddy's clothes (except his ties, fishing hats, the sorts of things his son should be allowed to handle if he wants to).

Blue thanks for this topic, it is a truely difficult issue.

When we've finally gotten settled back into our home, I plan to go through the photo albums and start scanning them and publishing picture books. I can make the print big so Mom can read them, and short, so the books aren't too heavy. I think the cousins will want to download copies, too. Yay for modern technology.

I found two whole shoeboxes of my Dad's pics from WWII but only half are labeled. So, a word to the wise: label your pictures on the back. You'll be glad you did. :-)

Opinion, you and sister are going about this the most sensible way. Before you know it, your garage may be full of things that you can't part with. Just go with your heart if it feels good to you, then keep it.

Though it is very interesting and heart warming to see the small incidental things that meant something to them, that was kept and hidden away because they just couldn't part with.

Mom's still here but we're going through this right now. She can't make decisions and doesn't want to try, so it's been up to us to figure out what to do with her belongings since she's moved to a single room.

It makes it easier that's it's just my sister and me and, fortunately, we both agreed on things easily. My sister has a small apartment and doesn't want much, so now I just have to figure out what to do with the excess.

A lot has been moved to my house. For years and years, I coveted Mom's good china. It has a lovely pattern of pink briar roses and it makes me remember so many happy childhood holidays. But now that it's "mine," I find it just makes me sad. Hopefully, I'll get over it.

There were treasures to be found no one knew Mom and Dad had: a hand-painted porcelain Easter Egg that was my grammy's, a history of Lancaster County in which my great-grandfather made notes and circled references to our family, my Mom and Dad's high school year books, my Dad's military service records and flight books. You can never tell what will matter when someone else sorts your stuff, can you?

Blue, my bro and sis arranged for the appraisal-it was someone from a local auction/antique dealer-he came out ahead of time-we all had a copy of the list-things that didn't have a resale value he didn't give a value for. Some things surprised us(both ways)We come from a city that has many antique and used furniture shops, auction places.The same fellow came out late in the day that we did all the choosing, bought the stuff and took it with him-he actually helped us pack our van with our stuff. He seemed very honest and really liked some of the stuff-think he was keeping some for himself instead of selling(a huge dog painting that none of us had the space for and was the most expensive thing in the house. Much of the stuff we sold had belonged to Dad's stepfather so didn't have the same sentimental value as other stuff. Goodluck in finding someone to appraise.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: gypsy,

Gypsy, I am taking notes. Actually my H wants us to work as a team, it is hard for him to go through his parents belongings, same for his brother. So, sister in law and I call them when we have a box of the very personal things for them to go through.

I keep trying to think of reasons to put this off, I know it has to be done and the sooner the better.

How did you find someone to come in and appraise?

Hi Blue glad to see you back but sorry about the circumstances. When we were cleaning out Mom's condo(when she went into a facility) I was the only one that didn't live in my hometown. My bro and sis(mostly her I think) had cleaned the place, got rid of alot of the real garbage and had a bunch of the stuff appraised. We went down for a weekend. On Sat the 3 of us plus Mike got to gether-the other 2 left their respective spouses at home(on purpose as they were worried they would interfere) Mike took the dog to the beach, picked us up lunch-generally stayed out of the way but learned alot about how a family could work together.
We first decided to do it the way our parents would want(we were all 3 concerned that there might be a problem-NOT)
Then we decided that anything given as gifts went back to the giver.
we decided to take turns choosing from the things that had $ values from the appraisal starting with my sis(oldest) and so on. We kept a running total for each of us. After we had gone through that we took turns with other "stuff". There were some expensive things none of us really wanted(or had room for) the dealer that had done the appraisal came out and bought them from us that day(money split). I also sold him a couple of things that we didn't really want to bring home-I had chosen them to sort of equal out the values.
Mike couldn't believe how there was NO disagreements etc.
Apparently Dad's mom (granny) had her will written this way because she knew one of her daughters wouldn't go along with anything fair otherwise. When my bro writes wills apparently he sets out this kind of thing in them.
The really positive thing is that the 3 of us are much closer now than we EVER had been.
Blue would it be better for your hubby to be involved than you-my bro did his own choosing without his wife's help(think she had told him what she would like from the list )

Oh Blue!
So good to see your name back on the board!

Remember one day at a time' and you won't feel so overwhelmed. As for that sister-in-law that's good at this, well I would give her anything she wants if she can make the whole thing "vaporize" like you said. But I've never been one for "stuff".

Hang in there and hang out with us, we miss you and still want to be there for you!

quote:

There are many beautiful dishes, and furniture that I could have pick of whatever I want, along with my sister in law, but I don't want any of it. Too many memories of being treated awfully, so bad, that I don't want to look at any of it to be reminded. Sad.

Honey I hear you in a big way on this matter and you know Im talkin truth.
Remember one thing my love this was your MIL but it was hunny's Mom.
Ya see where Im goin with this?
Take some dishes take a piece of furniture, maybe a chair or something that he could sit in heck have it reupholstered if need be so long as he can have a memento of his mom.
Not to mention you'd look pretty daggum good in his eyes if you did show that you can be the bigger person no matter how bad that woman treated you.
I took all of my MIL's clothing she no longer uses one day sat down and cut it all up...something satisfactory about that
But seriously, I cut it up sewed it together and formed a quilt for my hunny so that he has something when this is all said an done.
Its safely tucked away till then
Its the lil things my dear that go a long way for each of us DIL's that didnt have that atypical "nice" relationship with our MIL's....knowaddimean

BC, we have discussed doing the "lot" thing also. Even sorting it out in different rooms.

We spent many days going through old photos, separating and dividing. We had many piles in the dining room table all ready to be separated again into smaller piles until Hurrican Ike came along. We had to protect things, so we went in, scooped them up, placed them in plastic bins with lids and hoped there was no damage. Thankfully, we had none, but now we have to start over. Criminy! I don't even think I want any of it, but I am a daughter in law, if I was a daughter it would be different.

There are many beautiful dishes, and furniture that I could have pick of whatever I want, along with my sister in law, but I don't want any of it. Too many memories of being treated awfully, so bad, that I don't want to look at any of it to be reminded. Sad.

For those still in the MIX... I have gotten Mom to give some things NOW, as wedding gifts, christenings, graduation presents, and so on.

One of her niece's children was married in Italy. I showed Mom a lovely vase made in Italy that Mom and Dad received as a wedding present. We agreed it would be an appropriate gift. Not overly valuable, but lovely and simple. (And free, and one less thing here) Win/win... Never did get a thank you note, though.. OK, why should the girl thank Mom for a hand-me-down vase? At her age, I was a little creep, too. Mom knows about that the hard way... ME...

Hi Blue, it is good to see you here in spite of the circumstances.

I am lucky in several ways so far in this area, but I would like to share a technique that worked in the case of both grandparents. Possibly my father, the engineer and community organizer, had a hand in this, but maybe it is a family tradition, don't know. Mom and Dad both had 5 siblings (total 6 kids in each family), and there was a lot of nice stuff to devide. There was no argument.

Things were put into lots of "equal" value by type and room. ( paintings, vases, jewelry, furniture, junk) 6 lots of whatever sort of equal value (executor's decision final). Each lot was assigned a number and then numbers were drawn from a hat. After that, if sibs wanted to trade, buy, beg, donate, go for it. Not the problem of the executor. Everyone had agreed in advance that this was a fair way to devide the household "stuff". Everyone had the chance in advance to approve the distribution of each "lot".

It may sound complicated, and yes there was a need for appraisals for some things before the division of lots. But if there are many family members involved, it works.

For my surviving bro and me, when Mom is gone, I don't expect arguments about "stuff". I have gotten Mom to say a bit about nieces and nephews getting this or that. I have no children, bro has one. Many things should stay in the family, but not all go to his one daughter (who has only a little interest in much of it).

If we do have a conflict, we have already agreed to use the "lot" method. It breaks my heart, but a whole bunch will probably go to auction. I have tried to be a bit sneaky getting info from older cousins about some of the items that came from GPs. Asked Mom what she remembers about this or that on her good days. I think we might hold our own "family auction" before clearing the house. Some things must stay in the family if possible, the more we do now the better I will feel later about my parents and grandparents wishes.

Hi Blue, You are right about cleaning out a house not an easy task. I remember being so overwhelmed with it. My mother's son took what he wanted the day my mom died and didn't want anything to do with anything so it was up to me. Some days I couldn't part with anything and others it was bag and to the curb almost everything. The best advice is to take it one day at a time and since there is no rush (we were selling so I had to rush) take time. Let your sister in law run with it. This is when you need to take some time for you. Someone here told me that now is the time to take care of myself as well as I took care of my mom and that goes for you too dear. HUGS....

quote:

my sister in law has stepped up and is leading us through this. We look to her when the stacks get deep. She is good at this, and keeps a very level head.

Hey Blue - so good to hear from you! Sweetie, you did your share and then some. If your SIL is good at this stuff, let her take over and don't worry your head about it! I'll bet she even can call an appraiser, etc. if need be... Even when the house is empty, there will be much left to do there, so this is the perfect time to let someone else take the ball and run with it.

I hope the weather in your neck of the woods is as beautiful as it is here right now ad that you are taking things as slow and easy as possible. Let time heal you and let others help with things that are not critical for you or your hubby to handle. Now's a good time for y'all to simply kick back and let things be as much as possible for a while until you feel more energetic. Smell the roses along the way. Instead of worrying about the house contents, go carve a pumpkin or somethin'...

Yep BG, that's what I am thinking. Just wish my H would play a bigger part. One thing I can say though, my sister in law has stepped up and is leading us through this. We look to her when the stacks get deep. She is good at this, and keeps a very level head.

Looking forward to this chapter of my life being over. Thanks for writing, hope you are doing good!

Aw baby been there done that and Im with you back the truck up an donate it all thats the easy way, but you know...it aint gonna be that easy.
No makin everyone happy is impossible so toss that thought out the window and just be yourself sweetie
The only thing I can say to you is live by one rule, be fair even when your thiiiiiiis close to blowin a gasket on someone.
At least you'll be able to look at yourself in the mirror each mornin.