Just sitting here, wondering if I entitled this thread with the emotion I had hoped to.

It's a sobering thought ... "getting older."

When did that happen? Somewhere in between taking care of my kids and fast forward (or it "seemed" that way) to taking care of my parents.

Literally, when I wasn't looking ....

When did I get all these health problems? High BP, etal. (WAYyyyyyyyy too much "etal.")

The sometimes creaky bones - especially predominant after a visit from my grandchildren. Grandchildren? When did THAT happen?

I know I've been in denial with the ticking of the clock.

When my parents were 60, I didn't see them as "older" ... they were just simply and purely "mother and daddy." And, I never considered the fact that they'd die! That VERY idea sounds so ridiculous to me as I say it. How could I have been in THAT much denial!

Now I'M 60. Do my children even "consider" that I'm getting older? Do they even consider that they'll turn 60 one of these fine days? Nahhhhhh, I doubt it. They're in denial, too.

Too many ponderous thoughts to even try to write here.

I found myself, the other day, thinking about whether I wanted to be buried or cremated! When "that time" comes.

I really need to think on this, so I can write it down and let my children know my "wishes."

Do I want to make them more "aware" that I am getting older? Nah. Too much of a downer for them; maybe that's why my parents didn't tell me?

When did all this happen? All this clock ticking business ......

Wish I'd been more aware, wiser - somehow - when my parents were alive. Maybe I could've hugged them more? Smiled and laughed with them more? Too late for regrets now.

Just need to pick myself up, dust myself off and .... be all that I can be to those I hold dear to me now.

Just wish I'd known, a little sooner ........

quote:

Originally posted by Janie:
Debra, have you heard from your niece recently?

I really feel for this girl; just wondering how she's doing.

Yes I have Janie its been a tough time for all concerned. The "family" called her up to put a guilt trip on her, my middle niece has full blown Aids and the viral load is way up..doesnt look like shes going to be around much longer so now the poor thing is suffering. Dont get me wrong here my middle niece doesnt want to be seen...she wants to be remembered the way she was and not the way she is this much I do know I talked to her and have already said my goodbye
Now its my nieces turn to let go again as they keep pulling her back! It sickens me they are using my middle niece like that. Sick

Debra, have you heard from your niece recently?

quote:

I just got a call from my niece.
She still struggles with everything the family did to her because of the mean spirited thing my own brother did to his own flesh and blood. She cant let go of the horror those sisters and mother did to her.

I really feel for this girl; just wondering how she's doing.

quote:

Originally posted by Janie:

Yeah, that is very hard to "understand", isn't it. The lack of regard for others. And, this must be extremely difficult for you. You, the one who cares and defends and is "trying to make a difference" in all you say and do. If YOU are not the one with the magical answers for your niece, at least she is fortunate to have you in her corner.

Thank you Janie I just hate getting hung up on (except with sales calls ) It just puts me in a mood especially when the people concerned know what I deal with on a daily basis. I get that shes hurt and I have told her long ago "do like I did...walk away from them" Family is sometimes a four letter word for some and when did this happen...when did the breakdown of family take place across America??? When did someone think it was alright to attack one another. What happened to respect? Or patience?
What happened to "If you dont have something nice to say...say nothing at all"

quote:

She looked relieved that someone finally stood up for her I let her vent but this just isnt ending for her. I guess Im not the person who has that magic word that snaps her out of this and I have to be content in that knowledge. Its just a shame people have so little reguard for others.

Yeah, that is very hard to "understand", isn't it. The lack of regard for others. And, this must be extremely difficult for you. You, the one who cares and defends and is "trying to make a difference" in all you say and do. If YOU are not the one with the magical answers for your niece, at least she is fortunate to have you in her corner.

quote:

Originally posted by Janie:
Has your niece been "heard" (validated)? So very, very sad that she has been so affected and had what sounds like a huge misfortune in her family of origin.

In my opinion, it takes a great deal of maturity (and many times counseling) to let go of feelings of betrayal and hate. I identified with your niece, as I had my own issues with a family member. And, I remained so angry for so long ... until it "finally" dawned on me that I was giving away all my power.

One of my very, very good friends actually told me I should pray for this person who had hurt me. I looked at her like she was crazy!! And, I thought she was crazy! Pray for THAT person? I don't think so!!! I just wasn't "ready" yet for that concept.

But, time went on as it most always does, and I began to realize that I was wasting far too much emotional energy with my bad feelings. And I prayed for that person. I didn't pray that God allow me to "like" them; I prayed that He would give me strength and guidance to "let go" of that negative energy. And, gradually, it happened.

I haven't FORGOTTEN, but I have forgiven. I truly hope your niece (don't know how old she is) will come to that spot of letting go. What a horrid thing for one sister to do to another. She may have just hung up on you out of frustration, or she may think you are (gasp) defending the others.

With any luck, she will be able to distance herself from those people before wayyy too much more emotional damage is done. I am sorry, hon.

Oh God Janie her feelings have been validated. I have walked with her on this path and it sickens me to no end what they have done to her.
If they had done this to me the least of their worries would have been a tongue lashing (which they got from me) They had the nerve to walk in my house sit down and tell me that this wasnt their fault that it was a misunderstanding on my nieces part. I hate to tell you this gals I heard the first thru the last phone call! there was no misunderstanding of the meaning coming across from any of them! I politely got up grabbed the first shirt next to me and tossed them out of my house with a dire warning. Never darken my doorway again I am my grandmothers granddaughter and all that entails. She looked relieved that someone finally stood up for her I let her vent but this just isnt ending for her. I guess Im not the person who has that magic word that snaps her out of this and I have to be content in that knowledge. Its just a shame people have so little reguard for others.

Has your niece been "heard" (validated)? So very, very sad that she has been so affected and had what sounds like a huge misfortune in her family of origin.

In my opinion, it takes a great deal of maturity (and many times counseling) to let go of feelings of betrayal and hate. I identified with your niece, as I had my own issues with a family member. And, I remained so angry for so long ... until it "finally" dawned on me that I was giving away all my power.

One of my very, very good friends actually told me I should pray for this person who had hurt me. I looked at her like she was crazy!! And, I thought she was crazy! Pray for THAT person? I don't think so!!! I just wasn't "ready" yet for that concept.

But, time went on as it most always does, and I began to realize that I was wasting far too much emotional energy with my bad feelings. And I prayed for that person. I didn't pray that God allow me to "like" them; I prayed that He would give me strength and guidance to "let go" of that negative energy. And, gradually, it happened.

I haven't FORGOTTEN, but I have forgiven. I truly hope your niece (don't know how old she is) will come to that spot of letting go. What a horrid thing for one sister to do to another. She may have just hung up on you out of frustration, or she may think you are (gasp) defending the others.

With any luck, she will be able to distance herself from those people before wayyy too much more emotional damage is done. I am sorry, hon.

And to the drama of the "left behind" folks...
You know Janie I just got a call from my niece.
She still struggles with everything the family did to her because of the mean spirited thing my own brother did to his own flesh and blood. She cant let go of the horror those sisters and mother did to her. How do you tell someone to let go of the past to ignore the meaness of these rabid dogs she calls family....I try to be compassoinate with her but struggle because I just dont know what to say anymore. I watched as one of the sisters deposited 3 boxes next to her truck only to find when she opened them up that there was nothing but garbage in them! I am so heart sick at what they did. I told her to let go they will never see that what they did was wrong not to give them this power to consume her....she hung up on me

quote:

Originally posted by Janie:
Geezzzzz, I don't know. That portrait thing kinda weirds me out. You do know that there are companies who will take your ashes and "incorporate" them into a piece of jewelry, etc. Right? I even saw an ad in one of my pet magazines that people are doing this with their pet's ashes.

Your tellin me?! I cant even begin to tell you how twisted this is. lol I dont want any part of that never mind hangin a pic with someones ashes on my wall or a piece of jewelry
Yea I prefer the spreading of the ashes to anything else. We came from the earth I believe we should go back to the earth with as little baggage as we came in... Nekked! (IMHO)

Geezzzzz, I don't know. That portrait thing kinda weirds me out. You do know that there are companies who will take your ashes and "incorporate" them into a piece of jewelry, etc. Right? I even saw an ad in one of my pet magazines that people are doing this with their pet's ashes.

quote:

Originally posted by Janie:

(Now all I need to do is "decide" if I want to be strewn about with daisy seeds in some big beautiful field ......

Oh Janie! That is a very cool! Mind if I borrow this idea?
Get this one...I know someone who wants their ashes mixed in paint for a portrait of themself! Talk about morbid. I dont know if this goes in the realm of truly weird or is it just me?!

Thank you. I appreciate you taking the time to think on this for me/with me.

(Now all I need to do is "decide" if I want to be strewn about with daisy seeds in some big beautiful field ...... or left to sleep with the fishes in the ocean.)

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Janie:

What I DON'T have in place is "what to do" with my body ... (gee, this sounds morbid, but it is something I HAVE to think about)

Your welcome Janie...Ive got an idea for you!! You see my mother used to have one of those metal files (you know the small one you could carry) She used to put all important papers in it. What about if you wrote to each of your loved ones a note for that inevitable time we are all going to meet up with. And then write a note about your last wishes and place the reciepts in this envelope for the funeral arrangements? Tell someone you trust to the whereabouts of the file and what to do with it.
This way you really dont have to "say" anything to anyone.Your written word will say it all.

BG, thanks for the Suz Orman link. Actually I do have a will. A lesson learned after hubby's dad passed. And, ALL the ensuing nightmares concerning his "lack of" follow through. Maybe he didn't want to "play favorites" within his family, but I do know that, after that experience, we ALL have wills now. Hubby, me, and his mother. We all have POA and Living Wills, healthcare poa ... all that stuff. Thank God.

What I DON'T have in place is "what to do" with my body ... (gee, this sounds morbid, but it is something I HAVE to think about) ... when I die. My parents spent so much money on their caskets, their grave plots, grave markers, etc. All paid for before they died. Their final act of love.

My sons have no clue as to "how to handle" things. So, I need to make these decisions *now*, so they won't have to later!

Melissa, thank you for your input. I did have an advantage that you didn't have. I'm very sorry. About the longevity thing, Daddy's mother lived to be 104; I figured he'd be around for at least another few years ... possibly unto his 90's. I'm thinking I'LL be around a few more years - haven't ticked off enough people yet to check out this early.

But, as you said ........... we never know; there are no guarantees. The one thing I do know is that I do not want to outlive any of my children or grandchildren. No way; no how! And, it occurs to me that "that" is a selfish love on my part. i.e., if I don't want any of *them* to be in pain, then *they* shouldn't have to live without *me* ... make sense? So, I should emotionally contradict myself and say it's ok if *they* go first? ACK!!!!!!!!!!!

Black and white. Up and down. Open and shut. Life and death. All a very natural flow .... yet .......

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1401905676/ref=pd_luc_...ER&v=glance&n=283155

Girls I am sorry QVC no longer has the Suze Orman kit but Amazon does and its $12.97
wills & trust kit.

Janie, your post reminded me of one I wrote long ago. I went searching for it via the only two words I definitely remembered from it - "I wish". I had 6 pages of posts that contained those words. Guess I wish a lot.

Anyhow, I found the post. From the "kid's" perspective...


Posted March 13, 2003 08:22 AM
Gail, I want to ditto what May and Yellow Rose said. I also wish I had talked to my parents years ago about what would be acceptable with both them and me in the event that things turned out the way they turned out. I guess because three of my grandparents lived into their nineties with their mental faculties intact and pretty physically healthy as well that it didn't occur to me how radically, totally,completely different it might go with my parents. Bad bad mistake. By the time I needed to talk to them the way you did with your parents, they weren't capable of understanding that they even had any problems, let alone that they needed help, or that I wasn't gonna be enough. It was a real nightmare that could have been avoided if we had talked to each other honestly about what can happen sometimes in our senior years and what would be acceptable to all of us to deal wiht it. Instead, the only thing we ever discussed was when I made a promise to my mother years ago that I would never put her in a nursing home unless I had absolutely no other choice. A noble promise right? A loving daughter making it. True. But I had no way of knowing my parents would both have so many problems, and a schizophrenic sister living with them, and another sister who was ill and needed help until her death, and a life partner with MS and other health problems. For the simple fact that we NEVER know what life may throw at us, we have to keep talking honestly and openly to our LOs before we NEED to, and we must realize that sometimes our best intentions may not be doable as much as we want them to be. I tried to keep Mom out of a NH-I failed. It still bothers me and it shouldn't. I wish, I wish, I wish-I wish we'd talked. Nough said. Thank you for bringing that subject up.

quote:

Originally posted by Janie:
They were soooo proud! And happy!!! Because, they saw this as an act of love for their children. Me and my "brother." And, it WAS!!!!!! I didn't realize it AT THE TIME, but it was soooo an act of love. Because, when Mother passed in 1999, "her wishes" had already been decided upon. And, she got what she wanted ... unto that last and final decision.

The same for Daddy, when he passed one year later. He couldn't "make it" without Mother.

My parents would approve.

Bravo Janie! I am having a "moment" here (Dam emotional mornings!)
I hope everyone sees your post here and applies it to their own life to save their LO's from future heartache. I just wish it wasnt nesessary, but it is. Until people learn to have more compassion this is the way things have got to be for now.
But for you at least Mom & Daddy are dancing together in heaven looking down upon you with love and pride!

quote:

Janie are there children from your 2nd hubbys side? Or other members of his family?

Nope, no children from 2nd hubby's side. His mother and brother remain - and the brother has a 30-yr-old daughter. His dad passed five years ago and left no will. It has been a horrible five years, as his dad had made many investments, etc. and nobody knew anything about them! It was left up to hubby to sort things out, financially, while I have "taken on" his mom. Quite the "job" there for yours truly, I must say.

Thinking back ...... probably to 1992, my parents visited us one weekend and we had hubby's parents over, too. My parents were all AGLOW and showing us the brochures they had brought with them. There were actual pictures of the very caskets they had picked out!!

They were soooo proud! And happy!!! Because, they saw this as an act of love for their children. Me and my "brother." And, it WAS!!!!!! I didn't realize it AT THE TIME, but it was soooo an act of love. Because, when Mother passed in 1999, "her wishes" had already been decided upon. And, she got what she wanted ... unto that last and final decision.

The same for Daddy, when he passed one year later. He couldn't "make it" without Mother.

How can I do any less for MY children. They won't "get it" now, but I need to make arrangements for my beloved children. And grandchildren. And my husband!! To put all of my loved ones in harm's way, all trying to make decisions (blended family decisions) is very unfair and selfish of me.

My parents would approve.

quote:

Originally posted by Mar:
Bunnys grl. what a smart idea. My husband and I talked about what we both wanted when we died. He's gone but I was able to carry out his wishes. While reading this I realize that even with just one son he would have no idea what to do. So I am going to write out exactly what I want done when I pass. This way there are no problems. We are lucky to have friends who own a funeral home so he would just have to call them and let them do "their thing" like they did with his dad. I know they and my friends and co-workers would also help him. My brother on the other hand would be dancing on my grave singing I HAVE IT ALL!!!(from my mom not me)Though Dan as a survivor should be entitles to something as well as his daughters would should he go first. I will do it on Sunday when he's working and mom's napping and it's nice and clear and my head is on straight.

Thank you love its a smart thing to do and you will feel much better when its done. And the children...sure they will feel uncomfortable at first but they can just get over it! Seriously!
They will be thankful in the end. And the matter of telling them, this means that they will "ALL" be "CRYSTAL" clear on who gets what in the end. No arguments. No hurt feelings no betrayal..theres just no room for it when its in black and white.

Janie are there children from your 2nd hubbys side? Or other members of his family?