First I want to thank every person who ever answered my posts!! I cannot tell you how often I came back here to find support, answers, thoughts, and love. You all came forth and showered me, I hope I can give back half of what has been given to me!

My Mil lived next door to me, every morning, evening and night, I looked out of the window to make sure the caregivers had arrived, always finding myself calling them to make sure they were not stranded somewhere or in need. I miss these caregivers, they were (3), under 30. Young and very protective and loving to her. I had developed realtionships with them, they always knew I was the person they could come to when Mil was having a difficult time, maybe we were moving into a more difficult stage with her care, they would always let me know and we would sit down and talk about the changes to come. Sometimes to block out the pain and suffering, we would sit and talk about their children, triumphs and struggles going on in their lives, I miss that so much, and worry for them as they deal with the loss of someone they took the ultimate care of and had their own special relationship with . Today, as I walk by the window, it is habit to look and check. I see no one, the lights are off, the garage doors are closed, no one is there. I have decided that maybe I should hang curtains to block the view, that maybe it would deter me from that habit.

Our relationship, she and I had, was not always the best. She just had a way about her, she liked to pick at me, upset me, give me a hard time and she knew that tender hearted as I was and am, that I was the easy target. Buckets of tears and hurt feelings, when I could never understand what I could have ever done to her to make her treat me that way. Wouldn't you know that during this last year, she came to only want me, she had the caregivers calling me, the grandchildren, her sons, anyone who came in her house, would eventually call me because she would tell them to. During those bad days when nothing we could do would comfort her, I was the one who would sit at the foot of her wheelchair and rub her legs and feet with lotion to calm her down, the last time I did that, it was over 45 minutes, I talked and talked and said everything I could to soothe her. That one day, it worked, we convinced her to get into bed,she had been awake for 3 days, she finally went to sleep.

It is very difficult for me to go in her house, the family is taking a respite for now, and in the coming month we will be coming together to start going through trinkets, treasures, and objects that none of us will have a clue as to why some things were stashed in that back closet, or up on that shelf. In a way, I find the process troubling, that I am going through her most personal possesions, that I have no business being there. I don't feel alone as I walk through the house, I can't explain this feeling, it is almost creepy. As if I have to walk quickly to get to the door before I look over my shoulder. In my heart, I know this is silly, but I cannot help it. It is strange.

Letters, letters, letters, written by my fil to her while he was in WW2. I do not want to throw them away, they are history, at the same time, I, along with my sister in law, are feeling invasive. I think we will put them away, and save them for our grandchildren, some day they may want to read them.

This is troubling, my sister in law and I were looking a bible that my mil had saved some verses, poems, clippings from newspapers and so on. I picked up a book and it had a letter in it, from someone who had borrowed some money from her. From the sound of the letter, it was like the person had not paid her back. Along this time, she had an unexplicable split from a very close freind, now we know more than we wish we did. I am thinking that the next time we find and evelope, it is going into a box and we will try to figure out what to do. You hate to throw things away, because people put money and pictures into envelopes, slip them away and forget about them.

My H has much pain from loosing his Mom, and passing by her house every day, multiple times is wearing on him. I am not sure how to help him, he gets very quiet and moody. I am thinking that I need to give him his space and let him work through his feelings and if he wants to talk to me, then I am here.

Just not too sure how men show their grief.

I am sure to come back and share more intimate details, its just my way, I wish I could keep my mouth shut, but feel a need to share and this is the quietest place for me to go.

big hugs to you all until next time!!!!

Hey Blue - easy does it. It takes time for things to balance again and the fog to clear. Sleeping under the newspaper is a great idea! I hope everyone will take some time before going through the house & personal effects... sometimes, it's a little too much right at first...

All those habitual things - looking into dark windows out of habit, etc. - will take time to stop... I call stuff like that "stubbing my toe" on the pain. Ya know how when you stub a toe how you seem to knock it all the dang time? Emotional pain is like that for me. Every little thing "stubs the toe" all over again... We truly don't realize how very entrenched our loved ones are in our lives, until they are gone and we realize how MANY times a day they crossed our minds and hearts...

Y'all hang in there and please give your hubby a big hug from me! One day, the house won't feel creepy and when you glance out the window to look over, you'll smile... but that takes a while. After the family gets together to go through her things, I think you and your DH will begin to feel a little more settled and less "creeped out." Hopefully, he'll be able to talk about his feelings with you as time goes on and will begin to put his emotions and memories into order again. {{{{HUGS}}}}

Big Hugs and many thanks for all of your heartwarming and sweet replies.

The past few days I have found myself curled up with the local paper, and falling into a deep sleep. I decided today that I am going to start taking advantage of the quiet times I find alone. It feels good.

I hope you are all able to find a peice of time for yourselves.

BWB. Going though my mom's things after she died last year was really hard. I turned up stuff from my dad and husband and would come home from work, find something and just sit and cry for hours. I too found WWII letters from my dad to my mom and I hope they are in one of the storage boxes. I rushed to clean out do to the house being sold and it's weird but I have no knowledge now of what I did. It's all behind me. Make sure to take time for yourself now. I do know the feeling of looking out that window. Know you are in my prayers and a big hug sent your way as well to my other friends.

Under the circumstances, I too would feel like an intruder. Since my LO is my Mother and she is in the house I grew up in, I have never felt shy about going through things. Since she is still alive and aware, she often encourages this, because she wants to see what I find.

Your MIL had sons, they don't tend to be good at these things, most have little interest in what's in the closet, where a trinket came from, and with your MIL's tendency to privacy, there will be many pieces of the puzzle of your inlaws' lives missing.

Blue, I am sending you a huge hug. It must be so hard to look out that window and see this change. I know you miss those young ladies who were such a help and comfort to you. Right now, I have this cyber network, Husband, Mom, and her CGs. Any loss will be huge in my life. When Mom is gone, being in her house will be very different. 4 years ago when we didn't think she would make it home from the hospital, I spent a lot of time alone in her house. The silence was deafening. I wanted it to stand still in time.

quote:

You all came forth and showered me, I hope I can give back half of what has been given to me!

Dear Blue, By sharing what your experiences before, during, and after the caring, you have helped and are helping many here at the forum , and those to come.


Thank you!

Sometimes Blue going through all these things helps you to understand who the person really was or why they were a certain way to you...
It may feel at first that you are doing something wrong but it fades in time.
What a lovely find on the letters of your MIL & FIL if I were you Id get protective sleeves and place them in a binder if there are any medals or ribbons from your FIL's days in the military an idea would be to decorate the front of the album keep it in a bookcase so that the kids can pull it down to look at a piece of their history.
Its a tough job that all of you are facing especially your hunny, each person handles it & grieves differently he will give you cue's as to what he needs & when he needs it, just keep an eye out.
And as for those "feelings" my dear, well, its not so silly it happens more than you know.....

BWB, I knew that life had changed once my loved ones had passed.The best way for healing is to talk about the emotions you are feeling.To be honest with your self and those around you.Those emotions are mixed.
Once the journey ends you find you are a different person , for sure.To me it was, as it seems to be with you, a time to reflect.
Still seeking answers in many areas .
When you are accetance , is a personal thing.You cannot erase overnight what was a part of you and your family for so long.
My hubby has been gone for such a short time.In some ways it feels like an eternity and others like it happened yesterday.
In time my friend.The void will always be present but you will find away to deal with it.