Mom died in april and I am still trying to get focused.
I made it through the surgery and recovery of my daughter and although her tumor was cancer or suspicious of cancer...don't really know why they can define cancer in the adrenal gland..she seems to be ok. She is still trying to "wake up" her other adrenal gland. She hates taking the medication for extra adrenalin.

I was pleased to go to my youngest son's wedding this fall..oct 15 in macon GA. He and his wife came home for Christmas, which helped with the holidays. I gave my son and his wife the last afagan mom made. She had made it especially for Mike and I had been keeping it for years. It made him cry and I guess was not a good thought but I just wanted to include mom in our Christmas somehow. I bought my sisters a ornament for their tree from Mom. It said something about being in heaven for Christmas this year. That is what I like to think about mom not being here anymore.
I am confused about my feelings. My mom for so many years of my life was my world. She was a single parent and I suppose that made her especially important to me but I never thought I would accept her death like I have.
I know I have a lot of my church family praying for me and that must be why I can truly say I know that I would not want mom back here with me.
I always thought I would never be able to accept death in any of my family members. I had a real hard time letting my step father go and my grandmother and uncle. They were the closest people to me that I have lost. I have even greieved over the loss of friends more than I have mom. Why is that????
I know others say I let her go over the years of struggling with Alz. Ater all the last couple of years she was really not with me. Her frail body was all that was left to tie her to this world. But why do I not feel something????
Oh I have a few moments of remembering and a tear may slip out as it is doing just now...but that is all.
Yet I am having a very hard time dealing with everyday life now. I can't get organized or get on with the life I thought I would enjoy once mom was gone. I seem to have less engery and less motivation to get things done than before she died. I put things off until I am late getting it done. I don't want to do things I used to do. I only do what I HAVE to get done.
Is this depression? If so I do not feel sad. I don't feel happy either. I just feel a kind of numbness.

Sandi, were you thinking of putting the ashes in the ground, or in a wall niche? (Nuthin' like being delicate, is there, but I didn't know any other way to ask>
What do you think about putting Mom and baby sis togeether? No no, not mix ashes, but if it is a ground burial, maybe you could very quietly put them both in a larger container.
I can't remember VA cemetary regulations, but I'd check with them again about your current situation.
Don's ashes are here in the house; they will eventually be in the backyard.
I don't go to "visit" cemetaries either. Our loved ones cannot be found there. They are in our heads and hearts.
If you should decide not to take them from the house, could you get another urn for Patti? And perhaps find another pendant complementary to your mom's? Many of you might think I was slightly off my rocker - and I probably was at the time - but I found Don's urn at our local Hobby Lobby craft/home design store. They have many beautiful containers with lids that are very suitable, and I was able to get a container that perfectly matched Don's personality. The funeral home people looked at it kind of cross-eyed, but those who knew him just said. "Oh YES!" and smiled.
Sandi, you'll figure it out, and be happy with your decision. I hope some day you will have answers as to your baby sister's passing.
Hugs - Deb

Somehow, I relate to this, I am just not sure how. Mom wants to do a drive by for every grave she knows on a regular basis. That is fine. Very strange how I now know my way around this very old cemetary. I am glad to know these things. Mom is making me learn them. Do they ever stop teaching us??

gabgan. the lady i care for is a sundowner so i am often up late if you can't sleep. just holler and i will try to answer. take care. your inner clock will make the adjustment in time.

gabgan. i just want to address your question about going to the cemetery.i was with my sisters once and when we passed the cemetery they asked if i wanted to stop. i am rarely in the area, they pass by it nearly daily. mom and dad and my aunts and uncles are all there, it is a small country cemetery. inside i was thinking NOOOOO!!! but i said sure. we stopped and i stood in front of mom and dad's graves and i couldn't feel any part of them there. nothing! i felt an emptiness but not a presence of them. in october i went on a weekend trip with these same sisters to chicago. we did a lot of talking and my one sister who lives a mile from the cemetery admitted that she couldn't fel anything when she went there, i thought it was just me! it was such a relief to know it wasn't just me. then my oldest sister admitted the same thing. no one ever wanted to say it out loud. so i guess it is normal to remember mom and dad in the everyday things we do in our lives. when i dust i pick up their pictures and get teary eyed and talk to them. my mom and dad were always busy, talking, laughing, doing something. i remember my mom when i sit down at my sewing machine and work on my quilt. i remember her when i am burning some new dish in the kitchen, i remember her when i do volunteer work and when i look at my sisters and brother, they are all look alikes of her. i remember my dad when i find a great antique hidden under layers of ugly paint and get out my supplies to refininsh it. i remember him when i see a quiet lake with a rowboat in it. i remember so many little things as i go through life,they are a part of all of us. i see my dad when i look in the mirror, i take after him. i see my dad when someone is asking for a handout, my dad was always the first one to help out. my parents are in my heart and memories and humor and beliefs. they are not in the bodies buried in the cemetery. yes, my sisters will continue to plant flowers there in the spring, mums in the fall and a wreath in the winter because mom did that for my dad who went first and for my aunts and uncles. my sisters do it because it was mom's way but we did not find them in the cemetery.a hug to you and find your memories wherever they are for you.

Gabgan,
My mother's ashes are in an urn in my dining room cupboard, with a special pendant my baby sister left with her hanging on the outside.

It's so complicated now that my baby sister died too! She had another matching pendant for herself for her own death that was stolen when she died.

My sister was hysterical and having bad dreams about Mother's ashes being in a plastic bag inside the urn, now her own are in a sealed plastic jug in a cardboard box in a storage container. FGS someone come and help me with this!

I was just about to have Mom's ashes interred in the Veterans' Cemetery nearby when Patti died.

Now I don't know what to do, it was a nightmare just figuring how to bring my sister's ashes home from overseas after she had a suspicious death with no permanenet death certificate yet.
Sigh.
We do the best we can....
Sandi

It is so nice to hear that I am not abnormal in my "down" period. You all must think me funny to even be considering I am more depressed than what would be expected.

Here I am again up at four AM. I do not understand that. I had "learned" to sleep through most nights since mom passed. But of late I wake up about four each morning and after some struggling to get back to sleep just get up and go do something. I am trying to stay up later at night and all the tricks I know to sleep longer but maybe I just don't need it. AAAhaaa I know, I took a 20 min nap yesterday afternoon. That means I probably just slept out.

Anyway ...it is nice to be able to come here and chat as such with you nice folks.

I have been back to mom's grave only once. The last time I was there it was quite soon after the funeral and the ground was so barren and grassless that it hurt to think of mom's "lovely dress" laying there under the soil. That is what I like to think of her body. A lovely dress she wore while here on this earth.
Should I go back? I pass the cemetery almost every time I go to town. It's not like it is out of the way. Do others of you have trouble going to your loved ones graveside?? I feel bad that I did not decorate her grave for Christmas. I know she used to put Christmas flowers on my dad's for many years after he died. I guess we "younger" generation do not do that as much. I know in the last few years I always got new flowers for my grandmother's grave at mother's day and dad's and uncle at memorial day but after that I just never put anything on the graves. These silk flowers usually last most of the year. Gosh this is a strange thing to be thinking about. One of those loose ends my sisters left for me to do I guess is get the date put on her headstone and I have put that off. Guess I had better make a not to get that done before they get back in here to finalize the will this spring.

gabgan, you are normal. i do think you have a bit of shell shock or perhaps post traumatic stress disorder, depression or any of the above. feeling will start coming back. don't be surprised if it hits you one day out of the blue and you go on a major crying jag. give it time, son't try to force it or question it. sometimes there are no answers. if you feel it may be depression then please talk to a specialist. depression does not always present itself as extreme sadness but nearly total lack of feeling and enjoyment of anything around you, lack of energy and motivation. we are here for you to just talk about it whenever and whatever. take care.

Medieval Jello is probably still good When I don't know what else to randomly cook I boil up some eggs for egg salad and make some Jello. I got a stand mixer for Christmas and haven't made a single thing with it since everybody left. I was also trying to empty out all the things in my pantry I never used, like a bag of sweet potato pancake mix.

This little topic has really got me thinking. I got up today raring to go but still did nothing much all day. It's a bit of depression, which I would consider normal and necessary considering what I've been going through.

I remembered saying to others that I was trying to "empty my hands" last year, because nothing in life thrills me more than looking back five years at who I was then and discovering that I wouldn't have believed it if I could have seen ahead, who I was and what I would be doing five years from then.

I'm tired from my sister's estate, my Dad negotiating to move here for me to care for, my cousin's terrible cancer, my mother's death after 12 years of caregiving...

I did empty my plate, it got filled up and five years ago I wouldn't have believed you if you had told me what is going on now.

So I have to trust that I'm making enough room in my soul for new things by letting go of the old.

I'm just at a real dead feeling spot in my life, like I abandoned every structure, habit and connection. Now I'm waiting passively to see if anything gets rebuilt? I trust I will get going again, I always do, and this dead space has to have its purpose.
Sandi

Gabgan, it's Merrwid Donswife.
(Does that sound medieval, or what?)
If you're in the mood for Jello, I'd say boil some water and see what happens. I don't think it goes bad, but if you've had it long enough - or too long - it will probably come out of it's little paper wrapper in a solid block.
Now you've gone & done it - when I get home tonight I'm going to have to Google "Does Jello Go Bad?" Hmmmm. I sense a new reality series, just as silly as some of the ones on TV now.
You said you didn't get around to cleaning the kitchen cabinets before Christmas - but did new DIL get around to looking in them? My philosophy might sound screwy to many many people, but I always figure they come to see me, not my house. I'm not the best housekeeper, but I've seen worse, so I feel pretty comfortable with it.
One task at a time. One day at a time.
Sometimes minute by minute, but we'll make it!

Something must be working. I got up with more engery this am. I have cleaned all my kithchen cabinets...actually finished them. I meant to do this befor Christmas so they would not be such a wreck if my new DIL looked in and never got around to it.

My hubby does not understand why I have so much stuff. but you know what I do use my stuff...maybe onece a year but I do get around to using it. BTW does Jello go bad...does it have an expiration date somewhere????? I found some numbers on the box but they don't mean a thing to me...

Gabgan, too many of us have and continue to deal with the emotions you have shared.To share them and have them acknowledged is the best medicine.For awhile it is the only medicine that helps

Just reading some of your all's replys...Why did I not come back here sooner. I am finding this as much help as you all were when I first found you many years ago... when I finally accepted that mom had demetia and started looking for help.
You are wonderful friends.

I just never thought the process of losing mom would take this turn. In a way I am glad that I don't have a lot of hurtful emototions to deal with. I sometimes think I lived through all that over the years and hurt too much during the process of the disease. I remember how angry I was at first and then I was going to find a way to fix it and later I greived over what might have been and finally I accepted the disease as much as any of us can and learned to let mom go.
I think that is why I am so confused by my feelings of loss. I don't really feel the kind of loss I expected to have when mom was gone. I know in my heart she is in a far better place. I do beleive in God and the afterlife. I just can't beleive I have given her up so easily.
She was always so much a part of my world.
I guess in some ways she is still a part of my world. Her memory will never leave me.

I have started dreaming again. Crazy things that have nothing to do with anything. I realized that all the time I took care of mom I do not remember any of my dreams. I seldom got a full night's sleep and was up and down several times a night checking on her. So I guess even if I dreamed I don't remember because of the lack of continous sleep.

Yet I NEVER dream of mom. I thought if anyone could come back to me and let me know something Mom would. I remember a dream I had about my dad shortly after he died almost 33 years ago now...I dreamed he came to me and I was telling him he could not take mom with him yet I still needed her with me. It was so real, when I awoke I was still trying to convince him.
I beleive he came to me to tell me mom would be with me for many more years because until she had her stroke and started this decline toward and Alz's grave I never feared for her life again.

Anyway, reading of Sandi's holiday I guess I had a real great one, Ha Ha.
At least your remembered you anniversry Sandi...I totally forgot mine My husband did too. It is on 23 of Nov and we have been married 46 years...can you beleive that????
Why do I think I can be 16 again...I have been married almost three times longer than I have been alive... Maybe I am having some kind of old age crisis...HEHEHEHEHEHE

Gabgan, Merrwid is DONSWIFE, she cant' log on from home anymore as DW, but she can from work. Another strange thing.

BAH!!
I just spend 10 minutes on a reply to this, and by accident I hit the little key that wiped the whole thing out!! Gabgan, I'm wondering how you read my mind and managed to write down here some of the very same things I'm going through.
Mar and Mae, too, and many others of you.
That's another link in the chain that holds us together I think.
Do you think it's because it's WINTER? I think I've always had problems with Seasonal Adjustment Disorder, but this has been really awful this year. My sleep is really screwed up, I make plans to get organized, and even start something, then something else has to be done, and so on and on. And why am I telling you everything you know already because you feel the same way?
BECAUSE YOU FEEL THE SAME WAY!!
I love you, my friends. We can tell each other to get out, get moving, find something to do, find life again, laugh! and then turn around and offer ears, shoulders, hugs, and validate our rights to be alone and mourn.
We will begin to feel again. Not like our old selves, not "back to normal", but we will heal, in our own time, in our own way.
Stay safe. See you later.

Speaking of Christmas and Thanksgiving.....and Great Expectations

I had to suddenly take off for NZ on Nov. 6th, hubby spent Thanksgiving alone and in bed because he was sick, in spite of several invitations out while I was gone.

New Zealand doesn't do Thanksgiving but I had a dear friend who dragged a huge wild turkey out of her freezer. Another dear friend had an American gathering a week late, we ate boiled chickens and the weirdest pumpkin pies you can imagine. (Can't buy canned pumpkin there, commercial turkeys or cranberry sauce, they have these strange grey pumpkins that they eat year round. They don't make good pies!)

A few days later I missed our 35th wedding anniversary, couldn't call or even reach any internet that day. We should have been on a sunny beach in Mexico. I was in the pouring rain dragging filthy construction materials by the truckloads to the dump.

I tried to Christmas shop in NZ but the dollar is so low that a sweater is $300. I wasn't even sure I was coming home in time as I had to keep changing my ticket.

So I got home Dec 11th and(10)family arrived four days later, with babies. (My hubby thankfully had arranged for having the house cleaned and the carpets shampooed, as the dogs I sent from NZ started shedding and the carpet was reeking of pee, thanks to the shaggy dog)

Three of the four babies immediately got acutely ill with the flu, had them tested, they screamed all day and night and wore everyone out. The adults followed a couple of days later. We had three little ones and three adults severely ill and four adults with mild cases Two trips to the ER for babies who couldn't breath at 3 am.

Instead of deviled eggs and dips on the countertops we had nebulizers, prescriptions, inhalers, antibiotics, TheraFlu, herbal teas and honey....the fridge was packed with boxes of Phenergan suppositories, and Tamiflu. And two doctors in the house, both sick.

The Chistmas tree got put up, but the four year olds got sick in the middle of decorating it and the one year old tore off all the lower ornaments.

Laughing yet?

I didn't have time for my regular flu shot before my emergency trip, and I didn't get it. I figure I was exposed in NZ during their winter, last July. I was the only one who didn't have a flu shot.

SO what I did was cook dinner and that's about all, for 10 days I had to serve 12, GLUTEN FREE and I did it. Those men can eat, even sick. So I felt pretty triumphant. Nothing fancy, we were trying to survive.

We drew names and had few gifts, except for the kids. I put the crabby older dog in a kennel.

And guess what? They are not buying plane tickets and coming next year. Last year the out of towners brought the norovirus. So maybe hubby and I will go somewhere wonderful, maybe a big city just to go to the cathedrals and hear the Christmas choirs, whatever we like.

Our great blessing was that the new mother and her two month old escaped the flu entirely.

Thought maybe you would find this a little entertaining.

Sandi

Hi Gabgan and everyone else. Gabgan, I know how you feel. Loosing mom in April I still do not feel like who I expect myself to be. With all the caregiving I thought things would back right back to where they were but I too find I'm lazy and always tired. This Christmas was suppose to be the one in this new place (till this sept at least) with all friends over and me going out to visit and to the mall. Hey I have the new car to go and not worry about breaking down. Soooo what did I do with no school...Spent at least 4 days in my pj's reading and watching tv. I turned down offers left and right and even came home from my friends NY Eve when I was suppose to sleep over. I just wanted to be home in bed. I'm sorry that you feel this way too but maybe it's normal? Anyway I just want to let you know I care.

quote:

I am trying to pull myself out of this whatever it is... I just don't know if it is that I finally grew up or what. I was allways the trickster and game starter in the family. If it could be fun I wanted us to do it. I guess I just found out that we can't always do fun things forever.

Sure you can - ya just can't necessarily do 'em every single day. I think you WILL be back to your old self sooner than it feels to you right now... The years you spent caring for your mom and then her passing are a BFD (big freakin' deal), excuse me! It only takes 9 months to cook up a baby and you KNOW how attached we are to them right outta the hatch! Gonna take more than 9 months for you to return to your more familiar self again!

I understand about the Christmas - the way you described it almost sounded like my Thanksgiving! Everything was great and I could have cared less. I'm a great cook and everything turned out perfect (I usually screw SOMETHING up, ya knowhutImean?), but the FEELING wasn't quite there... Guess it's not the quality nor quantity of food that make the day, eh?

Personally, I think you're doing just fine and I have absolute faith that we'll ALL laugh and smile and feel carefree again... sometimes we just have to be patient and more quiet than usual.

quote:

You know what I feel better just talking to all of you.!!

See? We still remember YOU!! We're a gang for all seasons!

Yay! Glad to hear it!

Don't worry...I know not to stop my meds. I just think sometimes I would like to be that carefree teen again...but at nearly 63 it ain't gonna happen...ha aha.


I am trying to pull myself out of this whatever it is... I just don't know if it is that I finally grew up or what. I was allways the trickster and game starter in the family. If it could be fun I wanted us to do it. I guess I just found out that we can't always do fun things forever.

I did give my new daughter in law a prank gift for Christmas..I found a half gallon pickle jar and filled it with change hubby had been collecting for a couple of years. Guess what , Son just called to say it had $350 in it. I had guessed about $150 so you know what the prank is on me Ha Ha.
I did the same thing to my son in law when he first entered our family...and he got such a kick out of it I guess I just couldn't think of anything else to do for her since I don't really know her that well yet. She took it in good spirits and laughed about it but I wondered if I had insulted her by giving money instead of a personal gift. Anyway she has been drooling over a stand mixer at BB&B and has enough to get it now... so I guess I did good.

Bobcat...we have four lane roads now...we are coming up in the world...
You know what I feel better just talking to all of you.!!