During the "reflections" of this past few days on holiday ... I'm wondering ...... "Who Am I NOW?"

I'm DIFFERENT, and that's for damn sure!! I'm more independent; more aware; more empathetic; LESS NEEDY!!! And, yet ... more ...... what? How much can one person change ... ?

I was raised as an extremely "needy" little girl; I was raised to depend on my Mother for EVERYTHING. Consequently, if she wasn't "in sight", I felt very insecure and afraid. She didn't do this to me on purpose; she just "did it" 'cause she loved me and, unfortunately, she passed her own insecurities on to me.

My sweet Mother was one in a family of 7 children; three had died at birth. So, of the 7 remaining children, she was one of the "middle daughters" .... She worshipped her older brother and sisters; and "took care" of the younger ones.

At 16 years of age, she had a much-older boyfriend who wanted to "get married." Mother was exhausted with the responsibility level at home and agreed to marry him.

After a few months, she got pregnant ... with my "brother", Bobby. She lived with her husband until right before Bobby was born.

Her husband at the time used to put a pistol under his pillow at night. One night, after an afternoon of drinking and "carousing", he came home and threatened my Mother with the gun.

Although Mother was pregnant and had basically "deserted" her family, she called my Granddaddy and asked if he'd come and get her. He said he would. She lived with them, in an upstairs apartment in their home, until she met (and married) MY Daddy, in 1942.

I was born in '45. My brother was 6-1/2 years old when I was born.

....... To be continued ........

~ Janie ~

(PS .... IF THIS IS "MORE" THAN Y'ALL WANT TO HEAR, PLEASE!!!!!!!!! TELL ME.)

Janie, I just looked at your pics while Mike is finishing supper. Hope the rest of the day was as beautiful its beginning. Gypsy

Janie, you are so right about getting our idenity needs to come from ourselves and not others.We go through life making choices to please others and forget ourselves.That old habit of wanting others to like us.In the process of gaining approval from others we loose respect for our selves.We say what others need us to say.We have not learned to say no.We give so much power to others and I ask why.Jim, many times we do too much thinkng , but thinking is what allows us to put things into perspective.I solve so many of my in ward battles with working and at the same time thinking.What Janie is speaking defines many of us.We get our sense of who we are by what we do for others at our expense.We do not take the time to just be us.We begin to have this feeling of not being worthy.We have been taught that you are vain if you compliment your self and carry your self with self assurance.If you have this attitude and show it you become a threat to another who has not allowed themseves to feel and display their attributes.I would imagine so many of us caregivers are people pleasers and have been taught to self sacrifice.I believe women, with all they have accomplished, still are the number one person with this personality.If we allow this to continue others will reconize the need for approval and take advantage of us.We seem to send out radar .That is why we feel compfortable with the forum.We are not afraid to compliment another.We are of threatened by anothers strengths.We all have knowledge and strengths in areas that most interest us.We never fully realize the importance of our differences until we are brought together in a forum, such as this.Each has something to offer another.Nothing is too small.I have seen people come here with no self confidence.In time they a rose from the ashes with self confidence and so much more.The sad thing is all their attributes were always there, they just needed to allow them to be reconized.They needed affirmation.Janie, you have opened the door for a good disgussion. We all become what we live until w open the door and let change ome in

Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all out, just as they are, chaff and grain together, certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keeping what is worth keeping, and with a breath of kindness blowing the rest away.

Janie;

Far too much thinking for this Little pLe Head to comprhend..

Whwn you looked in the miror and saw " Your Truth Self" and started to think of the Present. Keep your Memories but try to stay in the Present with your Bill and your Children and Grsandchildre. Let the present take care of itself. I first met you on the Forum and you have always been so kind and thoughful to me and everyone on the Forum.

I liked the Picture I got of you watching the Sunrise, as you know I like observing the Weather , sunrises and Sunsets included and of course the Full Moon Please sit back enjoy the weather whatever and take one day at a time .. Life goes on,and on and on. You have a lot to give to everyone in this life.


It is going to be a beautiful Sunny Day 35F . My daughter Sharon[ the one recovering from the broken foot ]is picking me up at 1Pm , she is taking her daughter Shannon back to University a 35 Min ride. It is also Sharon's 54 Birthday. Hopefully we will go out for supper.

Take care Sharon Love and Hugs

And Sometimes...

Do you ever think that sometimes you just might be doing a leeeetle TOO much thinking too, Janie.

I'd like to see Janie defining Janie.........


"Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of

arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but

rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally

worn out, and loudly proclaiming-----wow-----what a ride."



...

Use today wisely,
It's the only one we get.

Oh, for so short a time,
we are on loan to each other.

Jim

With apologies to Lori, I think *this* is worth sharing, for all to see. Thank you, Lori.

.........

Moments in Life

There are moments in life when you miss someone
so much that you just want to pick them from
your dreams and hug them for real!


When the door of happiness closes, another opens;
but often times we look so long at the
closed door that we don't see the one,
which has been opened for us.


Don't go for looks; they can deceive.
Don't go for wealth; even that fades away.
Go for someone who makes you smile,
because it takes only a smile to
make a dark day seem bright.
Find the one that makes your heart smile.


Dream what you want to dream;
go where you want to go;
be what you want to be,
because you have only one life
and one chance to do all the things
you want to do.

May you have enough happiness to make you sweet,
enough trials to make you strong,
enough sorrow to keep you human and
enough hope to make you happy.


The happiest of people don't necessarily
have the best of everything;
they just make the most of
everything that comes along their way.


The brightest future will always
be based on a forgotten past;
you can't go forward in life until
you let go of your past failures and heartaches.


When you were born, you were crying
and everyone around you was smiling.
Live your life so at the end,
you're the one who is smiling and everyone
around you is crying.

... And, to this, I just wanted to add something I learned about MYSELF ... just this morning. I think part of my "confusion" about "Who am I NOW?" was because I've always let others define who I AM/WAS. It's the same for many of us, but maybe I took it a little bit TOO MUCH to heart?

You know, so and so's daughter;
Granddaughter;
Grandmother;
Daughter-in-law;
Sister-in-law;
Sister;
Mother;
Wife;
Employee;
and the list goes on and on.

Now that it's just "me" that I have to be responsible "for and to", I got a bit mixed up as to where to start. And, I couldn't ask Bill; he wouldn't get it. Thank God, I finally did.

~ Janie ~

Gosh, Edna, you have embarrassed me (thank you), but you've also given me a "different" way to look at things. Sometimes I think I feel guilty that I had a fairly decent childhood, all things considered. I think you know to what I refer.

Geez, am I having a pity party here on vacation, because I don't have "enough to do?" I'm feeling guilty for leaving my kittens at home, even though I know PERFECTLY WELL that they are being well taken care of. And, my dear Edna, with my "new take" on things, I realize that that very sense of GUILT could be construed for ARROGANCE. Yes, it's true. Why do I think that *I* am the only one who can take care of the kittens? Very freeing thinking for me. And a wonderful new perspective. Thank you!

Last night, right after I made this initial post, I received a call from all three of my grandkitties. They were wanting to thank me for sending them some candy and "light up" pens. "Mawmaw, you can buy us some more of that candy WHENEVER you want to!" Cute.

All righty then, I just had that look in the mirror -- not a pretty site. But I also had a little chat with myself and reminded myself of how lucky I am to have a husband who makes me laugh; one who truly loves me; grandkids who call; two great sons; loving memories of my parents (oh, how I could relate to Debbie's recent post about her Mom); many well-learned lessons which were taught at the "School of Hard Knocks"; the most wonderful FRIENDS ... of course, I am including ALL OF YOU GUYS; and one special friend who I can just sit in the same room with her and we don't even have to talk. Hopefully, Bill and I will have our health and many happy years ahead of us.

I'm turning into a little ole lady, but inside I still feel like a kid at times. Guess that's why Kalee loves her crazy Mawmaw? I got up early yesterday morning, sitting like a "squaw" on the floor, waiting for the pink skies over the ocean to allow FIRST LIGHT. Got a few beautiful pictures of the sunrise. I'll put them on my "southerngal" site, since I'm clueless as to how to post them here.

Edna and Jim, thanks for allowing me to just "vent."

~ Janie ~

Dear Sweet Janie, you know who you are and who or what you are not.Be honest with your self and allow your self to compliment all that you have lived and the way you used his to make your self the person you are.All of us have been made dependent on another at one time in our lives.Who better than mom and dad.We are a reflection of their personalities until we reach a time when we are able to understand and change what we feel needs changing.We bcome our own person.So many times we have to expereince hell to get to the place that makes us whole.We have to reflect on the past to give us a sense of how much we have accomplished.A mothers natural instinct is to protect her young.Unfortunately the very thing that was to protect us gave us less confidence in our abilities to do for our selves.We stumble so many times and after picking our selves up more than we would have liked we decide we have stumbled too many times and set our selves in a direction with more caution but alot of understanding of who we are and what we can accomplish.The best thing is that we learn we are not perfect .You my friend said it so long ago.You have a keen insight to human behavior.Why, because you were determined to be the best person possible .You used your strength to overcome your fears and weakness.There will always be little of the past cast a shadow... Certain surroundings can trigger certain memories. Those memories may cause over whelming pain.The pain of that time in your life is what drove you to be the best you are able and I think you did one hell of a job.Go to that mirror, and see what the reflection tells you.YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL INSIDE AND OUT.You are so caring and what a sense of humor.I am telling you what you allready know but may feel you are being vain.Sweetie, you reflect how you feel about you.Like and love your self like you want others to do.You have so many attributes , acknowledge them.We all have strengths and weaknesses.I believe they call it being human.My friend you are so human .That is why I was drawn to you from the first time we corresponded. You know we are always here for you as you have been for us.No beating your self over the head, pat your self on the shoulder.

Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all out, just as they are, chaff and grain together, certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keeping what is worth keeping, and with a breath of kindness blowing the rest away.

Hiya Janie Lady...

This is not more than I want to hear...I want to hear whatever you feel the need to get out and share.

And that the thruth...



...

Use today wisely,
It's the only one we get.

Oh, for so short a time,
we are on loan to each other.

Jim