My husband has early onset AD and has been in a NH for 3 years. My 5yr old twin grandsons don't remember him except by pictures & stories that we tell to them. They love to walk around in Grandpa's big cowboy boots. One of them asked me when did Grandpa die. I was so shocked that I didn't say anything. There was other conversations going on in the room & they didn't think I heard them because the other twin answered saying I think a long time ago. I am not comfortable with ignoring them but I needed to think of the right thing to say. Stupid of me to not have something prepared when they asked. Their Grandfather doesn't even know me & is very combative and verbally abusive so it is impossible for them to visit him. Are they old enough to understand or should we just say he is sick and lives in a hospital somewhere else. This sounds like taking the easy way out but on the other hand I don't want to give them more info than they can handle. Does anyone have suggestions?
Sister

Hi again, Sister ...

I came back here for a few minutes to see how things are going with you and the grandchildren. Have you had the time to incorporate any of those "memory" ideas for the kids?

Post again, when you can. We have not forgotten you, your husband, OR the grandchildren!

Just wondering how things are going ......

Thank you so much for more great ideas. They love to draw pictures and write peoples names at the top. I could take them & put up in his room. The Collection idea is good too. That will take up a lot of their time & give us plenty of time to discuss what Grandpa would like. Even the 12yo would like to pick out pictures for a collage. This also could go up in Grandpa's room. I already put their school pictures up. He doesn't pay any attention to them but it gives me something good to talk about to the CNA's.

Again thanks for the wonderful suggestions.

Sister

Hi Sister,

I'm thinking you've been given some darn good suggestions here! I have a 5-yr-old grandson and I tried to mentally "place" him into this situation. In addition to the book, I'd probably ask my grandson if he'd like to "draw a picture for Grandpa and color it"; or, "if you could tell Grandpa a story, what would it be about?"; "if you could make a decoupage for him from things you've collected from the yard, what would you collect?"; basically, just ANYTHING to allow him to "see" his grandpa as a real person.

Having a really BAD HEADACHE, too, could be a reason Grandpa's in the hospital. It could be "so bad" that that is the only place he is comfortable - oh and, plus the fact that he sleeps a lot (which would account for the fact he can't go visit right now.)

Kids are pretty doggone smart and very intuitive. Coming up with "excuses" ... they have to be GOOD ones. And like someone said, you have to be prepared to answer the questions that just may come along with those "excuses."

Very, very smart about not pushing the 12-yr-old. He obviously loves his grandpa and he cares; otherwise, he wouldn't "ask" about him. But, I tend to agree with the others when they say the boy may just want to remember his Grandpa the way he was when he last saw him. My younger son went through those emotions after my Dad had a stroke and was in a NH. He'd ask about him, but never wanted to go see him. He said many times, "Mom, I just want to remember him as he was the last time I saw him." Good luck in this, Sister. I think you're definitely on the right track.

Sister, to have the 12 year old share his fond memories of gramps would be great.You are wise not to force him to see him as he is now.It can be very tramatic, even for us adults.Good luck with the book.A wonderful family project that will allow all to participate.Picture along with verbal memories speak volumes

These are really great ideas. I love the picture book suggestion. I have pictures of my husband & the twins when they were first born. Maybe a few as they grew that first year - after that he wouldn't hold them. By that time he had developed a mask that was sorta fierce looking & they would cry. But I do have a few of him with them. And I have lots with their older half brother that is 12. He has lots of stories & remembers Grandpa when he was fun. He would be glad to talk to them with me & look at pictures with them. I also liked the idea of the sick brain as a way of explaining what is wrong with him.

Thank you all so much for helping. I am glad I remembered this forum & you all have made me feel so much better. I did look at some of the books but they mostly dealt with children that are with their grandpa & dealing with why grandpa hurts their feelings & such. Maybe at some later date they could see him but it would scare them way too much right now. The 12 year old hasn't seen him & I have been thinking that maybe he was ready but I don't know. He is very sensitive and seems to understand that it would be upsetting. He remembers how bad Grandpa was before he went to the hospital. My son told him that he might want to remember how Grandpa was before he got sick & not dwell on how he is now. Just know he is in a safe place where he can't hurt himself or unintentionally hurt someone else. When we visit, the 12yo will ask if Grandpa was ok but he hasn't asked to visit anymore. It might really help him too to tell them stories of Grandpa. I will make a picture album & will make a few notes to get us started. Again Thank You all so much.

Gabgan, I have lost so many post after writting.They seem to go into cyber space, many times because I hit the wrong key.

Sister, Gabgan has come up with a wonderful suggestion.If you have pictures of gramps,make a story book of his life.Allow them to know him as you once knew hi.Pictures with other children , all that would allow them to see his is and was a person like all the rest.Bring it up to now and tell them his heart and soul is the same but his is sick, use something they relate to .My grand children were always around my mother and hubby when they were well.When they were able to understand, I introduced two words.Parkinsons and dementia.I went to the dictionary and read what dementia meant.They know pop is not his self but do not fray away from him.My grand daughter would help me serve meals to mother.You need to allow them to feel who pop was .Stories of things he did as far back as you can remember.They will remember things told by you and they will make a strong im[pression.

Well I keep doing this...I write replys and then lose them.

Anyway...I was saying May's suggestion about a story book is great..Perhpas you could make one of your own with picutres of grandpa.

It there are older grandchildren they could also talk with the small ones about grandpa. Sometimes children know just how to relate to kids best.

You should at some point give the kids the opprotunity to visit grandpa..when he is less verbal..kids can accept anything if they have a choice about it. At least they will not have the regrets later of not having at least seen him while he was alive. Perhaps a picture of
them with grandpa as a keepsake would be helpful.
As for the broken brain..that is also a very good simple way of stating the truth, but be sure you are ready with answers to the questions it will bring. At some point Your grandsons may feel they are going to get the disease themselves and you must be ready to reassure them.
My grandchildren have watched the process first hand with their great grandmother and they are accepting and fully informed about future events. It must be very hard with a grandpa that your grandkids never had the chance to know.

Hi Sis - Perhaps you could tell them that grandpa's brain is broken and he has to be cared for by very special people in a very special hospital to help him?

Sister, I would find the less complicated way to tell the twins.I do believe their are story books to read to them .If they leanr later and feel they have not been told the truth they may feel cheated.It is a fact of life that they nor anyone needs to be protected.Make a story of the situation.

Explain as best you can,so the will understand,they need to know he's not dead yet........