Hi Janie, Happy Easter everyone. Janie-I think Billy is off travelling again. Think he was taking his Mom to visit family for Easter don't know how long he was going for.
Hope you are having a great trip Billy. Please update us when you can.
Janie I'm with you I couldn't do without some things for long-probably my washer and dryer would be missed the most. Talking of warm eggs brings back memories here too-we had chickens when I was little and gathering eggs was one of my chores. The bantams were my favourite chickens but you had to be careful with their eggs-they didn't lay them in one nest so if you found one it could have been around for awhile-(hold your nose) enough of this reminiscing. Have to go get a ham in the oven and Mike up from his nap. Gypsy

Wow, Gypsy!!! Sounds like you know your STUFF and who better to give what sounds like very good advice to Billy! Did you read this yet, Billy?

Dreaming keeps us alive ... don't EVER stop dreaming, Billy. Actually, when I was a little girl, my really BIG dream was to live in a log cabin in the woods. And, of course, I had to have those mandatory cats and dogs and chickens!! (Loved getting those warm eggs out of the henhouse on my grandparent's farm.)

Well, now that little girl has grown up and she thinks she is "roughing it" if she can't plug in her curling iron somewhere! Even so, I do still have that dream and so does Bill.

How is your wife today, Billy? Any special Easter plans? How's your weather? It is soooo grey and overcast here; glad I'm not having the grandkids over today for an easter egg hunt. But, it actually WOULD be fun to have them over to dye the eggs and decorate them.

I used to haul both my sons up out of bed every Easter morning for the Sunrise service. "Oh, Mom ....... NO .... please, Mom ..........". Oh yeah, they were moaning and groaning. But, I'd get them dressed, grab a heavy blanket, run by Bojangles and get hot biscuits, coffee and juice, and we'd be off to a local park here. Oh, there were thousands of people there! I loved it. And, when my boys started gnawing on those biscuits, they were finally awake and they loved it, too.

There was a big ampitheatre and they had a huge choir and there was the huge lake in the background and the sun coming up ... ducks and geese on the lake ...... sigh ...... and, there I sat with my sons, on a blanket, just basking in that sunshine. Oh, memories ....

(Don't get me started talking. I don't know when to hush up!)

Billy, good luck on your quest. What if you got snowed in? Without internet? Hobbies????

Hi Billy. I hope you will spend a little time in the area before you make any life changing decisions. I lived in Williams Lake for 1 year in the mid 60's. It has grown alot since but I don't think places like Horsefly have grown much. It does get COLD it only went down to about -20F the year I was there-they closed the ski hill at -15 F. They closed the schools at -30F(they never closed that year)I was teaching and living just on the outskirts of Williams Lake and had no difficulty other than I had to leave the dog in the house all day while I was teaching. I already had a block heater from when I lived in the Okanagon. I know some of the areas away from town had some problems like propane congeling, roads closed during breakup-when the ground thaws in the spring it is very muddy. Huge pot holes even in town. I had dreamed of teaching in a one room school actually got a job offer but my Dad had his friend tell me what it was REALLY like-that was on the Gang Ranch in the early 60's-I turned the job down. If you are serious about this after all your research I would suggest flying to Williams Lake, rent a camper(or car if you can find someplace to stay) and spend some time exploring. I know the isolation wouldn't bother some people, it would me. Also check out the mosquitoes and black flies in summer. It is fun to dream and it doesn't cost anything. Have fun dreaming. Have a great Easter. BTW-do you have a wood stove or fireplace in your cabin? Have to look after supper signing off for now Gypsy

Hi Gypsy,

Yes, I have looked at the prospects of buying land in BC. No, I have not been there. I was hoping that maybe we might get a chance to visit there this summer. Don't know if that will happen or not. I solicited some info from The Horsefly Realty in the vicinity of Cariboo and Williams Lake. I have no idea what it is like there but from the research I did on the internet and the info I received it looks beautiful. I am sure the winters would be very harsh at times and probably would be snowed in a lot. The main thing I found was that I could get a large piece of land with one or two homes (in some cases) for about the same cost as what a house costs here in my town. I could sell what I have including my cabin property, move there, buy a beautiful ranch close to a river or lake and still have money left over. It is extremely tempting. However, my wife does not like the cold. So either I would have to wait until she isn't around or make other accommodations for heat in the winter. What I have seen in the pictures though would really satisfy all my dreams.

Billy G

Hi Billy. Guess you are getting antsy to get going. Hope you have a great trip. Where exactly is it you are going?
I like Joan Marie's idea of rent or help. Could you set up a schedule so both of you know when he is to be responsible and for what. Hope he cleans up his mess while you are gone but I wouldn't hold my breath . You mentioned awhile back that you had wanted to come to B.C. to look at land. Where abouts? up in the interior around Williams Lake? Have you been up here before? Have to go get Mike up from his nap and decide where we are going for lunch. It is a beautiful sunny day so we might go for a ride but I don't want to go too far as we have to be home by 4. You and Ronnie have a fantastic trip. Gypsy

Hello Billy...
It's good that you have attempted to have Pow Wows with your offspring but I'm thinking you may need to take a stronger stance. Since cost of additional in-home care is obviously an issue, perhaps you might want to make an agreement with your live-in son... pay rent or provide more help with his mother. Tough love and a reality check for everyone.

Just another suggestion on my mind here... have you tried contacting the NMSU's nursing program? I'm sure they have students who would be interested in exchanging room and board for providing some much needed in-home assistance. Just a thought.

Wishing you and Ronni well and please enjoy a safe trip... Joan Marie

Hey Mary,

Thanks for the feedback. About a year ago we did have a family Pow Wow. That lasted about 4 months. About 5 months ago I had another Pow Wow and asked for help. My daughter said she would make a couple calls for me. I still haven't heard anything out of that. I just don't feel there is much chance of getting any thing from them. Our house is a mess right now from a project my son and one of his classmates worked on for a competition the first of this month. He promised that they would clean the area they messed up plus steam cleaning the carpet. It is almost a month later and nothing has happened. They were going to do it two weekends ago while we were out of town. Instead they went to some local convention and spent all their time there. It still isn't done. I am hoping he will do something while we are gone on this trip Thursday through the following Friday. I have cleaned most the kitchen just so I can get to the sink and the stove. The rest I am leaving for him.

The main reason I have been looking at younger women to help with my wife is because she seems to relate to them better. No other particular reason. If I can find an older lady that is very active and doesn't shuffle when she walks then I think that would be good. My wife is also very unstable and heavy. If she should happen to trip or fall or something similar I need someone that can physically help her. Not a frail older lady that may also go down with her. Then I would have two to have to worry about. My wife has fallen a couple times and it is all I can do to help get her up. She cannot get up by herself. So far she hasn't gotten hurt from any of these other than a couple bruises but you never know when she might take that big one. She fell off the bed once and she triped and fell up some stairs. I was in front of her and happened to catch her shoulders otherwise she would have slammed her face into them. She did bruise her knee. Most of our "Care Team" volunteers are older. There are a couple that have a very difficult time getting around themselves much less helping my wife. The one draw back to them is that they are volunteers and I can't always depend on their availability when I need them. That is why I would like to find a paid helper. However, most I have found so far I can't afford. They want 12 to 15 dollars an hour. Most babysitters don't make that much and they have a whole lot more responsibilty. Oh well, maybe some day.

Billy G

BillyG,Mybe it is time for the family to have a pow wow.Your son stays at home and spends time in his room.He is an adult who needs to be a part of the total picture with in the home he resides.You are the man of the house and you need to address this with him.You also need to sit and have a talk with your daughter.She has to get pass this non acceptance of her mothers not as she once was.She is now a mother and needs to think as one.I do believe you are limiting your self to only young people to stay with wife.You interview prospects and shre with them what makes your wife happy.I see the elders are so much more experienced and handle those with problems so well.iT IS AMAZING THAT OUR CHILDREN PICK AND COOSE WHAT THEY ARE ABLWE TO DEAL WITH.This is life and only one, of many things they will face that is not compfortable to them.Their mom giving birth to them was not compfortable but she had them.Too many times they need to see that dealing with the bad helps them to mature.

Thanks Ladies,

It is always nice to hear encouraging words. Thanks for the idea Vicki. I am pretty much on the internet a lot so why not use it. Thanks again for the idea.

Billy G

Hey Billy...

So glad to see your "face" back on the Forum! Please listen to your cohorts here, we want to hear it all... your dreams, your disappointments, and everything inbetween. Do not hold back. Who knows, maybe you can use the information you've shared with us to open the door to conversations with your own family.

Wishing you and Ronni Godspeed on your upcoming travels.

Your New Mexico buddy... Joan Marie

Billy,

Most colleges have a web site. From there you can go to the personnel office to create a listing that describes your needs in finding someone to care for your wife. Or you can just call the college and ask for the personnel dept. They love getting this kind of listing. So many students looking for something part time.

Janie and Gypsy are very wise ladies. This Forum is for venting. I don't care if you say the same thing 50 times in a row. Some days that is what you need to do. As a former caregiver, I understand how important this is.

Remember to try to find some joy in every day.

Vicki

I'm catching this a little earlier. Instead of at midnight I am reading the posts during the day. Wow! However, my wife is hungry and I do need to feed her. But, I'll get to it in a few minutes.

Thanks Janie and also to you Gypsy. Yes, I am aware that the forum is the place to talk and vent but, most times I feel like I just keep whinnig about the same things over and over again. Oh well, goes with the territory I guess.

Yes, my son does go to a junior college and maybe he could post a notice for me. For whatever reason I hadn't even thought about him and his school. Hmmm. Pretty smart there Gypsy. Too bad I didn't think of that one and maybe I wouldn't feel so dumb right now. Oh well.

He has gone to the cabin with us but unfortunately, it is like two kids running wild. Obviously, he wants to do a lot of the same things that I do so there still isn't anyone to look after mom. Now he is working from 3 - 11pm most every evening except for Wednesdays and Thursdays but on those days he is in school from 7am - 3pm so, he isn't available to go much of anywhere with us. Oh, by the way Gypsy, I still haven't figured out how to post pictures of the cabin or anything else on the forum so if you want I can send them directly to you. Just let me know.

It snowed here a few days ago and man was it pretty. Of course it all melted yesterday and the day before but we got about 8 inches and it covered the cars the trees and the ground. It has been many years since we have gotten a snow like that this late in the year. We really need the moisture so it was a good thing. However, many of the truckers and others going through on the interstate were stacked up. They shut the interstates down east and north of here for a couple days from all the accidents and to clear the snow. I would love to see if we got any snow at the cabin. It is so pretty when we do. Last Saturday when we were there there wasn't much of anything except a little under the trees where the sun hadn't gotten to it. In years past I would go up there just to get stuck and to go cross-country skiing or snowshoeing. However, now that is no longer an option for me unless I can find someone to look after my wife.

Speaking of my wife, I better close and go feed her. She is sitting there all bored with that disgusted look on her face because I am not paying any attention to her. So, later all and thanks again.

Billy G

Hi Billy-just lost a post in cyber space???
Please listen to Janie-she is making alot of sense. We come to this place to VENT as well as ask advice, make suggestions, party, joke etc. You are not lazy, maybe overworked, tired, frustrated, even annoyed or confused at times but NOT LAZY. I was going to post earlier(lost it)much the same suggestion as Vicki. You said your son is going to school-would he know anything about possible students that need a few extra $ or at least who to contact?Taking a student on your trips sounds great. (your son wouldn't like to join you for a weekend at the cabin would he?)Think I better go to bed I feel likeI'm talking in circles. I sure know how you feel about disappearing friends. This seems to be a lonely time that is what is so great about this place-there are so many wonderful friends that truly understand and stick around. Goodnight. Gypsy

quote:

Originally posted by Billy G:
I guess I am just too damn lazy. I have been taking care of my wife for three years now and so far I haven't had anyone offer to help me. All I ever hear is why don't you do this or call here.... or you could do this or do that.... I never hear anyone say "What can I do for you?" ................. Well, I am sorry. I have gotten way of course here and I do appologize. I do thank you both for your responses, kind words and shoulders. I need to learn to hold my emotions when I post and stick to the point. I'll try to do better.

Billy G

Billy, no way; no how will we accept that you have been lazy! And, as far as holding in emotions and sticking to the point ..... Forget about it!!!!!! Part of the reason and purpose that you're here in the first place is to express yourself; ask questions; receive support and VENT!!!!

"Holding in" ..... Nope~Not allowed here. We're here for you, with whatever you need or have to say.

I'm sorry your "kids" are having a problem with this situation. Sounds like they are in denial and don't really know "how to be." Could be that they are very afraid, but mask it with a sense of nonchalance (sp?). They are still very YOUNG, even though they both "think" they are adults.

In the "most perfect" world, our kids would be there for us, as we have (and will continue to) BE THERE for them.

Keep on talking, my friend. It's OK, as far as I am concerned, for you to express your deepest fears, your longings and your hopes.... right here. You know, when you think about it, you have total (and I never COULD spell this word) anonyminity here. Nobody really KNOWS you, so why not just go for it. Let it all out. What've you got to lose?

Talk to us, Billy. Whenever you're ready .........

Thanks Janie,

Yes, I have two adult kids, 26 & 27. Our Daughter is married and has a 9 mo old baby. They live in town but we seldon see them. They seem to have a very busy schedule. I am not sure about her. She acts as though she either doesn't know how to handle her mother's illness or else she just doesn't want to have to deal with her. When she was younger and living at home they were really close. My daughter would not leave our hometown to go to college because she couldn't be away from her mother and her comfortable surrounding. Since she has married all that changed. Now sometimes I get the feeling she just doesn't have any connection with us at all anymore. I feel she mainly just brings the baby around because we are the grandparents and she feels obligated. Also, about the time she got married is when my wife started have noticable problems. I just don't know how she feels now.

Our son is living at home with us and is going to school. He helps out a little (very little). He said that when he moved in he would help clean and cook, etc. At first he did but now we hardly see him. If he isn't at school or working he is up in his room watching TV. If he is around and I really need him to look after his mom for awhile he will but, he hardly speaks to her. Mainly because she doesn't say much of anything and he himself isn't much of a conversationalist. They will just sit and watch a movie or something on TV until I return. He will help when she has to go to the bathroom but he doesn't do much else for her. As with my daughter, I just feel that neither of them have time for us and they aren't inclined to help anymore than they just have to. Partially, because they don't know how and/or are afraid and partially because they know I am here to do it so, they don't have to worry about it. And I am not a begger. Since I don't feel they really want to I don't ask for their help unless I really have no other choice. None of the rest of the family ever offer to help out either. They always tell me that they wish they could help but they can't because they don't live here. Other than my kids there aren't any other family members close by, except for my wife's mother and her older brother whom live 80 miles away. Her mother can hardly take care of herself and my wife and her brother have never been very close so, we don't see them much either. We are pretty much left on our own.

Hi Vicki,

Thanks for your words of wisdom also. I haven't posted any notices at the Senior Center mainly because my wife doesn't get along with older people that well. We do have a few friends that are older that she does like but, a couple that will come to spend time with her, she doesn't like very well. Mainly, because they treat her like a little baby or something and are always trying to help her walk, making her go to the bathroom whether she needs to or not simply because they know she needs help but they seem to think she needs to be told when to go. Instead of just being there with her and help when she needs it they try forcing her to do stuff and it really upsets her. She just seems to get along a lot better with younger women.

I have thought about posting a notice or advertising for a college student but that means I would have to go to the college and it isn't that close to us. Plus, I have no idea where to put the post and I know nothing about the campus. Maybe I can find someone that could help me with that. A student or someone that does go to the school or at least is familiar with the grounds. Part of the reason I would using a college student is to also offer to have them travel with us when we go on some of our trips. I would pay their expenses but, not a salary. It would be like taking one of my own kids. In return they would be expected to help with my wife and to also allow me some free time once in awhile. Another consideration would be a near middle aged mother that stays home most the day and would like to have something to do and yet wouldn't be looking to make a living off me.

The problem I have is I spend all day with my wife trying to figure out how to entertain her and by the time I get all my other chores and tasks taken care of I just don't feel like doing a bunch of calling and running around putting up posters, etc. I guess I am just too damn lazy. I have been taking care of my wife for three years now and so far I haven't had anyone offer to help me. All I ever hear is why don't you do this or call here.... or you could do this or do that.... I never hear anyone say "What can I do for you?" I always heard that when you become a spousal caregiver all your friends and family will turn away from you. I am finding out just how true that is. Also, because of this I have grown to have a greater respect for "single parents" because I now know just how much hell they go through just trying to survive. I figure I am being paid back for my past and the way I treated my family and friends. I am sure that when they needed me I wasn't there for them either. So, I have no room to complain. I will just have to manage as best I can and deal with it. That is why God gave us brains and soles. Suffer and deal and survive, we are suppose to get stronger that way.

Well, I am sorry. I have gotten way of course here and I do appologize. I do thank you both for your responses, kind words and shoulders. I need to learn to hold my emotions when I post and stick to the point. I'll try to do better.

Billy G

Hi Billy, have you put a notice up at a senior center? There may be an older person that is in good physical shape that could use a little extra imcome. Or try the collages for a student that needs extra money.

Vicki

Billy

What a beautiful heart you have. I am very glad your wife can still accompany you on your little trips! I think I remember reading on our "Party page" that you hate to cook. So, how do you get around that one?

You have children, right? How are they handling this situation with their Mom? It's ok if you don't want to answer. It's just ... I have children, too. Two boys - 34 and 37. They lead their own lives and I have no idea of how they would react to something like this. I'd like to think I'd know, but - in reality - I have no clue.

Janie/Gwen

Thanks for your words.

Janie, I'm not sure how I get through. All I know is that I have to take care of my wife. We are married and it was for better or worse. I really don't have a choice. I know, everyone says that most men wouldn't but, I can't see how that would be. It's like turning your back on a starving baby. It just doesn't make since. As for getting through, all I have going for me is my thoughts. I just know it is something I have to do and get on with it. And I keep thinking of all the things I want to do while I still can. Yes, I have to drag my wife around with me to do most of these but for now it isn't so bad. She is still able. She just can't do much of anything for herself so I put her in the car and go. She enjoys being in the car and going. Other times I just sit her in a chair close by and she watches what I am doing or if we go to the cabin I leave her sitting in the truck with the radio on. Obviously, I can't leave her for very long. Most times though when I check on her she is asleep so it isn't to awfully bad.

Gwen, I've tried about everything locally for help. Insurance won't pay for anything because she isn't bedridden and she doesn't require nursing yet. Our church does have a "Care Team" program and there are about 5 or 6 ladies that will come once or twice a week and take her to lunch or to get her nails done or sometimes to a movie. However, it isn't much time for me. As far as a day care, I haven't tried all the resources yet but I have been told by a couple that she has to be 65 or older or that she has to be physically handicapped to qualify. There are a couple I need to call yet. The only other option is to hire someone which means I will have to go back to work to afford it. At this point I enjoy my freedom too much to do that. I have talked with one lady that will come to my home but she charges $12 an hour. I am looking for an adult babysitter for somewhere in the neighborhood of about 6 or 7 dollars and hour. I am sure I won't find anyone like that but maybe if I advertise in the local paper I might just luck out. It would be nice to find someone that isn't specifically interested in it being their sole source of income but more as something they want to do to be busy and make a little money on the side. Who knows, maybe if I keep trying I might get lucky. For now, I just do what I have to do and except my burden.

Thanks to both of you for your concern. Yes, I know I have to take care of myself. I know that in my head and my heart but, I am having a very difficult time making it work. Someday maybe....

Billy G

Billy,

Have you tried an adult day care center if there is one in your area? Perhaps posting an ad in your church bulletin? My heart goes out to you. Perhaps your insurance provides for a home health nurse or she (your wife) qualifies for disability from the state. Sorry if I sound pushy, I don't mean to, I'm just trying to find any kind of help that comes to mind.

You certainly need to take care of yourself and have some time, however short, for yourself. Other wise you may become ill and not able to care for either of you. Keep trying anything anybody anywhere to give you some reprieve Billy.

My prayers are with you both.

quote:

Originally posted by Billy G:
I can totally sympethize with single parents. The only grace for them is that as time goes on their kids learn to be more independant and it gets a little easier. For me it is the reverse. As time goes on the independance goes away.

Billy, until now ... I hadn't looked at it that way. You remind me what a vile disease this is. As is any disease that "takes the mind" of the afflicted. After my daddy's stroke, he, in effect, became my little boy. I shopped for coloring books and stuffed animals for him.

Billy, I hope you will forgive my asking, and I'm sorry, but what gets you THROUGH this? Church? Support groups? Faith? Don't you just get mad as hell sometimes? Sorry. Told you I shouldn't have gone down that road. I think the reason I ask is, I just don't KNOW if my husband could see this through. I really don't.

Just glanced at the date you joined the forum and realize it's almost a year now. Also just became aware of the date and realized it is my parent's anniversary.

God bless you, Billy, and others like you for doing what you do...............