Hi..
New to this AD horror, although I feared it for years..family curse. My problem is rather unique and I'm not sure how to deal with it. My dad has been married for 20 years to my step-mom. What responsibilities does she have to him? She had a very serious surgery and I brought Dad to stay with me while she recoops. She felt that she could rest better if he wasn't there. Please understand, Dad is completely able to do his own daily care. He bathes, shaves..fixes his own meals..mows the grass..draws up his insulin and gives himself a shot. He still reads..watches TV..you get the picture. He has some trouble "finding" his words sometimes, has lost some memories..repeats himself buthe is still as sweet as ever and loves his wife with a passion. Here's the problem..she doesn't want him to come back..EVER! She actually called the Department of Aging and asked to have him placed in a NH. The man from the agency called me and after he learned of dad's abilities..he said that he in no way could force him into a NH. I love my dad so much. He has a home here with me as long as he wants, but he doesn't want to be here. He wants to go home! I haven't told him a lot..I just don't want to hurt him, but I don't know what to do. On one hand...He has the right to live in his own home as long as he is able to care for himself, but she doesn't want him there..how happy can that situation be? Sigh...Paulette

(((((( Paulette! ))))))

A wise woman you are. Wishing you, your hubby and, of course, your sweet Dad many treasured moments while waiting out the right time for his return home. He is indeed a fortunate man to have you in his life.

Thank you for your fine wishes and know I've already received my first unexpected and "precious nugget" for today.

Joan Marie

Hi Joan,
I'm so sorry to hear about your husband. It's hard enough to see these changes in our parents..but to have them in your life partner,the one that you are used to sharing all your stresses with, must be agonizing. I know that I could not do this without my sweet husband backing me up. What would I do if it were that very husband who had the dementia? It must be very lonely for you.
Dad is still with us. We take each day at a time and are looking at trying to get him back home in June. He has his bouts of depression and I know that each day must seem so long for him. I wish you the best and hope that this day gives you a precious nugget tucked in your daily comings and goings. Paulette

Thank the gods, you received my message as intended, Paulette! As you can probably deduce from my apprehension regarding your response, I must admit you have in turn taught me much by your open hearted answer. Thank you.

You see, my husband is also entering the moderate stages of AD, and appears to share much of the same capabilities as well as the losses of your own father. Our five adult-children have been... let's just say... less than responsive to understanding the realities of their father's condition. Their idea of providing respite includes returning him to the driver's seat or walking their children to school in unfamiliar surroundings, to name just a few examples. Unlike you, they simply do not recognize the gravity of their father's global losses or attempt to understand my own caregiving related stresses.

I want to thank you for continuing to stand by your father and opening up your heart in a new way to your step-mother. Both of them need it and, as you've seen, both of them deserve it.

With deep appreciation and respect from my heart to yours... ...Joan Marie

Thanks Joan..You are so right. I was thinking only of my father's ability to care for himself and in that, he is pretty independent. But there is so much more to this disease and when you are trying to heal from surgery, it must be overwhelming. I have taken my step-mom's annoyance at Dad as a sign of her wanting to distance herself from him, and that was unfailr of me. A 24/7 life is a far cry from an occasional weekend and I think that the stress was just too much, even in these early stages. I do understand that my step-mom needs backup and I do provide that by staying with Dad while she visits family. She usually takes two such trips per year from long weekends to week long vacations. I also see now ...that is not enough.
Thanks for letting me vent and not being too hard on my stupidity, I have always worshiped my Dad and still do, but have learned a valuable lesson of "walking in someones shoes."
Paulette

quote:

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Originally posted by Paulette: ... It was an awful day yesterday and a good day all in one. Dad was crushed that he couldn't go home. He sobbed and paced and threatened to walk if I didn't drive him. That would have been a good feat considering they live in a different state! The good part was that I was able to tell him that it was only temporary and that his wife absolutely wants him to come home when she is recovered. That gave him some peace, I think. I pray that htis is how it goes. I have to be positive, even though my husband is a skeptic!

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Hello Paulette... Your last paragraph here could explain the very behaviors and limited capabilities of your father that concerned your step-mother when she knew she would be facing a prolonged and difficult time recovering from her serious surgery. As a spousal caregiver myself, few know or are willing to accept how challenging caregiving can sometimes be for those who suffer the early to moderate stages of AD. Understanding this situation is also blurred by long-distance relationships and the ability of the effected party to cover their losses. As you have seen, your father's abilities can diminish as stresses increase or unexpected disappointments arise.

What you have shown us here is the importance of all caregivers to have a responsive backup plan to provide adequate care for our loved ones should an emergency arise. Based on what you tell us about what you perceive as your father's capabilities, perhaps an assisted living facility would have been a better match than a skilling nursing home.

In any case, I'm hoping you can learn from this experience and hopefully be able to provide more emotional and physical assistance to your step-mother once your father is able to return home. A lot of spousal caregivers really do think they have it "all handled" and don't want to ask for help or be considered a bother to active adult-children with their own lives to handle.

Please keep in touch with us and know that we understand and are with you as you share this sensitive part of your family's caregiving journey.

Joan Marie

Update on Dad..
Well, Dad did not go home as planned and now I am totally confused! I received a call from my step-mom's doctor and she stated that she had examined my step-mom and that she was in an alarmingly weak condition and that Dad could not come home for another month. I argued with her that my Dad was able to care for himself but she was adamant that he not come home. She did however tell me that my step-mom was not looking to put him in a nursing home and that she just needed healing time. I called my step-mom and she assured me the same. I'm so totally confused. The Department of Aging had called me last week and told me that she had tried to place him in a NH and when that failed..suggested that he live with me. She now says that she never meant that to be permanent, just till she heals. She says that she hasn't called because she didn't want to upset Dad or herself in her weakened state. How could I screw this up so badly?! If I'm wrong, I will gladly eat crow with a bib!
It was an awful day yesterday and a good day all in one. Dad was crushed that he couldn't go home. He sobbed and paced and threatened to walk if I didn't drive him. That would have been a good feat considering they live in a different state! The good part was that I was able to tell him that it was only temporary and that his wife absolutely wants him to come home when she is recovered. That gave him some peace, I think. I pray that htis is how it goes. I have to be positive, even though my husband is a skeptic! Paulette

Paulette get POA on him,ASAP!You will need them for his medical care plus money matters.........

Thanks Dana...
I called her on Sunday and told her that I was bringing Dad home on Wednesday. Please pray that it goes well. I'm trying to be positive but it's difficult. I'll know more After that and will post more...Paulette

That's horrible!

I think his wife needs to be up front and tell him that she doesn't want him to come home.

And if that is truely the case maybe some divorce papers or some sort of legal papers need to be drawn up. Since she no longer wants him at home and you are willing to have him live in your house, make it so that you get the medical legailities in your name so when he does get to the point of not being able to care for himself you aren't forced to listen to someone who isn't involved in his daily care.

Maybe one of the other members will have more info for you. but that's all I can suggest.

Best wishes, keep in touch - even if all you can do is vent! We love to know we aren't the only ones having issues. !

Dana