I am not sure how to start this topic but, I thought maybe those that either have survived a death of a loved one or is living with one that is in a deathbed, like my wife, might want to share their experiences or thoughts.

My wife is totally bedridden and has no ability to do anything except wait for that final moment. I am still feeding her ensure with a large syringe and that is all she gets. I cannot conciously(sp?) stop feeding her and allowing her to just die but I have also decided that if she cannot swallow on her own, I will not put any tubes in her. Therefore, I am hoping and praying that one day she may just go into a coma or whaterver on her own choosing and then just go peacefully. However, as long as she is still able I will continue.

Ok, that's my background. What I am doing now that I am wrestling with in my mind is, I am trying to move forward with my life. I haven't had a lot of success because of my situation but, I am attempting to try and date again. In my mind I feel it is immoral because it is cheating on my wife but I also know the lady laying there in her deathbed is no longer my wife. So, I am constantly asking myself "do I proceed or do I stop until she is officially no longer with me?"

Granted, there wouldn't be a question other than personal preferences for someone if their spouse were actually deceased. So I am opening this discussion just to see what others have done or how they would react or feel faced with the same or similar situation. How do you get on with your life after?

Billy G.

Thought I would check back again. Saw some responses so thought I would babble again.

Yeah Mer, I have tons of pictures of my trips, etc. However, I did not take that many pictures of the wedding. I was running my video camera. That is one thing they did pay for so I thought I would do it. Obviously, I am not a pro but it turned out pretty good considering.

Well, it is Tuesday the 8th of July and Debbie has officially left for good. I saw her off earlier today. Now I am alone until the new lady comes in. I am not sure when that will be. I have tried to contact her a couple times and no response so I don't know if she is pissed at me for some reason and not responding or has just been out of touch. Oh well, I hope I hear from her before Thursday afternoon. I need her to cover for me so I can go to my golf outing. I guess if I don't hear from her I may have to go to my second choice. That lady is actually better qualified but she is a smoker and I wasn't sure I could deal with that. She understood that she can't smoke in my house but I can still smell it on her and it gives me an instant headache. Ironically, the first lady I had as a live-in was also a smoker but her smoking was only one or two a day so I hardly ever smelled it on her. And she did smoke out in the back yard.

Ok, I have yammered on long enough and will say bye for now. Hope all have a wonderful week.

Billy G.

Hey Billie, glad you're back!
It sounds like you've had mostly good things happen these past months. I'm so glad Debbie stayed there for you and Ronni. I hope the new caregiver you find gives you that same confident feeling.
So, did you take any pictures of anything?
I bet the wedding was beautiful. In the years to come, I know that everyone will be mighty happy to see that Ronni was there. Don't bet she didn't know on some level that this was a happy time. Surrounded by love and laughter it's no wonder she was 'peacefully dozing'.
Keep in touch, OK?

quote:

Hope all is well with the cyber world out there. Sorry, I am not being much of a friend to any of you. I have abandoned all of you to chase my own drama. I do come back once in awhile just not as often as I should. Me, me, me that is where I am right now. Or maybe that is where I have always been. Please get me in line if that is what you need. I do want to help anyone that can use my attention. I just need to be needed to make it work. Call me.

BILLLLLLLLIE!!!! You there? It's good to hear from you and about all you have been up to... We all get busy with trying to balance all the things we have to in this nutty way of life! We fade in and out, but we're always around... Glad you HAVE been taking some time for yourself and to try to sort things into some kind of order for yourself. Sure woulda been easier if all this had come with an instruction manual, eh?

Good luck with your new caregiver - I hope she works out well for you and Ronni. Thanks for coming by and updating us... I always trust that no news is good news when folks get a little scarce. Hang in there and keep the faith, buddy!

Billy, nice to hear from you.You are wise not to commit your self while you are experienceing emotions that make you vunerable.
I am not interested in a relationship and do not put my self in away to meet anyone.
I am too old and too me, it would involve more effort then I am willing to give.

Hi all,

Well as usual it has been a long time since I last visited. Thought I would provide an update just for kicks.

Several things have happened over the last year or so. I went on three trips last year. I went to Mexico with my son, his now wife and my brother in law in March, then again in November I went back to Mexico by myself to Puerto Vallarta. In December I went to Grand Cayman again. In February of last year I became Scuba certified so the last two trips were for diving.

In December, Debbie told me she didn't want to work for me anymore but would stay with me for awhile. So in order for her to pay for her room and board she did work part-time. It helped because I was able to try and catch up on some of my outstanding bills from my trips. Now it is the first of July and she has decided to leave Albuquerque for good so I have been conducting interviews for a replacement. I have found another lady that wants the job and ironicaly, she look very much like Debbie. She is the same age and is a tall blonde. So hopefully things won't change a lot. However, I do know that she is a totally different woman and will have many different characteristics that I will have to get use to all over again.

Last month, June 7th, my son finally got married. He is 30 and married the girl he took to Mexico last March. She is 22 so will see how it goes from here. I really like her even if she is somewhat young. She graduated from college this last may and hopefully will find a job in her profession soon. They are living here until about the middle of August and then will go back to Lubbock, Tx where he will continue his education. He has one more year until he graduates. He is a certified chef but wanted more so is working on a degree in Hotel/Restaurant Management. He is currently working here in Albuquerque at the Hilton Hotel under an internship until he leaves. Besides the income he is getting a lot of valuable experience toward his career.

Ronni is about the same. Naturally, she has deteriorated somewhat but still physically strong. I did take her to the wedding. I thought it might be somewhat of a strain on her but she seemed to just sleep through most of the affair. I had given her a pain pill that morning just in case. Normally when she has them they don't seem to affect her much but this time it put her to sleep. Go figure. But, she is in a couple of the pictures so there will be a memory of her being there for my son.

As far as my "Life After" I have spent some time with a lady friend. We have somewhat of a mutual agreement that our time together is not to be a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship however, I am not sure she wants to honor the same thought that I have. I think she wants more. She is very attractive and I do have a lot of fun with her but, I just don't see us spending the rest of our life together. I know I am not suppose to be thinking that now but I am smart enough to know that relationships do grow and the more time we spend together the harder it will be to go our seperate ways. I am trying to figure a way in my mind to get her to back off and not hurt her. I do like having her as a friend but that is about it. Whenver the time comes that my wife isn't with me anymore I feel now that I will just pick up stakes and see what the rest of the world has to offer. Hence, she will be left behind with an empty heart. It hurts me just to think of it. What to do? Oh well, another life's challenge in my never-ending saga.

Hope all is well with the cyber world out there. Sorry, I am not being much of a friend to any of you. I have abandoned all of you to chase my own drama. I do come back once in awhile just not as often as I should. Me, me, me that is where I am right now. Or maybe that is where I have always been. Please get me in line if that is what you need. I do want to help anyone that can use my attention. I just need to be needed to make it work. Call me.

Billy G.

Billy, I have had a few helpers that were not worth the space they took up.You have to report them when they do not do their job.Too many are afraid to report bad care.If you give them an inch they will take a mile.I have a few who I will not allow to come to my home.I fugure if I wanted half ass work I could do that with no problem.Hospice or no hospice.Remind them they are getting paid about 145 dollars a day through medicare for her home care.Whether they see her or not.I assume medicare sends you an invoiceLet them know you are aware of what they get paid and you want value for the dollar.Too many do not pay attention to the big bucks they get.What I did for new ones that fill in.I made a poster of things that are suppose to be done.They are to be here at a certain time and not leave before their time is up.Make sure you sign their patient sheet before they leave , taking note to the time.SOME WILL TRY TO GET CREDIT FOR TIME NOT SERVED.
They work for you and they want your business.
As for life with and after caregiving , I think it has to be a individual choice.Not easy to think of the future and all the times that passes one by.You do what makes you happy without sacrificing your loved ones good care.

Hey Bobcat,

As soon as I get through playing around and get myself back into the groove I will create another masterpiece . Anyway, I will do something.

Mae,

I hear what you are saying. I agree most men would not be able or willing to care for a wife, mother or even a father the way a woman will. However, there are a few that will do the best they can. I am sure there are other men out there doing what I am doing, of sorts. Yes, now that I have Debbie I have shunned a lot of the responsibility for taking care of my wife but if she were to leave or wasn't here I would be right in there doing what is necessary for my wife. I know I probably don't do as well as you do or another woman for that fact but she will be cared for. Hospice comes and gives my wife a bath twice a week. To be perfectly honest, they do a lousy job. I wind up redoing some of the cleaning or cleaning where they didn't. Most times, they really don't care because they get paid the same whether they spend 20 minutes or an hour. Granted we had a CMA that really cared about doing a great job, not just a good job but, a great job. Naturally, she just recently got promoted so now we have another girl that I am not so sure is going to give my wife that same kind of attention. Debbie, the live-in, does a good job also but not as well as the lady before her. However, I can accept her "lessness" because I like her and can actually live with her. The other lady I did not like at all even if she did do a good job for my wife. It is hard to find quality all the time. Sometimes you just have to take whatever you can get and hope they will learn or change for the better.

I too have tasted the "sugar" and it is very hard to come back to reality but what has to be done has to be done. I think about what the future may hold and I am sad because I may not be able to continue to sample the "sugar" but I have experienced it and now that may have to be all there is for a while. Like a kid for Christmas, I can't wait for the next opportunity to come when I can anticipate the excitement of the new presents to come. But, I may have to just wait and see what the future holds. Your hubby is very lucky to have you but I am sure he would not want you to totally give up your life for his sake as long as there are other options for his care.

You may not believe my words but do believe that I have come to repect women a hell of a lot more than what I use to give them credit for. Because of the care I have had to give my wife personally, I have come to realize just what a mother, a wife or just a female has to go through for their own care, that of their children and their family. It is an extremely difficult job. I have come to realize what it is like to be a single parent with no life of your own, what it is like to care for a sick child when they cannot tell you what is wrong and having to deal with the female body. Yes, I have tasted the "sugar" but I also know what my responsibility is and that cannot be sacrificed or ignored. I will do what is needed as long as my wife needs me.

Sorry, I have a tendency to get long winded or in this case, carried away on the keyboard.

Billy G.

Once we get a taste of life as it could be it becomes more difficult .After my 5 days respite I realized what I was missing.Just spending a weekend with my son and family made me realize.
But I am not willing to sacrifice one to acquire another.My best way is to find qualified people to stay with hubby.
I do know my husband would not stop living life as I have done.Just a reality I faced long ago.
Once you have a taste of that sugar it is hard to go back.
MY husband was never brought up in a family that had the man doing what they perceived as the female roll.His would not be able to give the care and support needed.Just who he was.Anything he did would be payed for.Just not one to know how to do what all women know how to do.His dad was the same way.Just a generation thing

Billy, it is great that Debbie could give you this taste of freedom, and I do understand why she feels she needs to think ahead.

Your trips sound wonderful. I used to love to travel, but as much as I think of all I would like to do, I am not making any plans. Do you have any photos of your trip? I saw an article a few months ago in Southern Living about a metal crafter in GA. Some photos were in that one. I have looked for the article on line or other sites that would include him and came up with "nada".

Get back to work, Billy, we (I) want to see more stuff.

Hey Mar,

I am glad I could be somewhat of an influence for you to start your own life again. I don't know how my fliting around like a lost spirit can help but as long as it gives you courage to enjoy your life in travel then, congratulations and go for it.

I have one more trip scheduled and then I probably will be stuck at home again. Debbie, my wife's caregiver, said she is about to loose her mind. Being stuck here with Ronni for ten days and then another four while I went to Phoenix was a little more than she could handle. She has decided to go to a hotel for a few days just to relax and maybe even get some social contact away from here. This job certainly takes it out of you. There is a good chance she will be leaving after the first of the year so I will be advertising and interviewing again. I really hate to loose her but I do understand. She said she has come to love Ronni and doesn't want to be with her at the end. I don't either but, I don't have an option like other people. So in the mean time I do try to get on and do what I can to enjoy my life as I can because I too will go crazy if I don't. I spend several years not getting out any and I felt claustrophobic. By hiring Debbie, I got my life somewhat back, at least for a little while. I just hope I can find a replacement that will be like her. I enjoy her company and plus I pretty much get the time away that I want, within reason. I'll just have to see what the future holds.

Billy G.

Mar, so thrilled to hear you are moving forward.You deserve to be happy.Let all those who made your life miserable a thing of the past.Considered your self as being reborn with more insight then you had before.Just be happy.

Billy, Glad to see that you are home safe and sound. You gave me the courage to start my traveling again. I'll be headed for Daytona in Feb. followed by a side trip to Louisiana from there for two days. Never have been to Lo. so I'm starting to find new places. After that when my son gets a vacation again or a good 4 day week I want to fly out to Colorado and visit my cousin (who my mom raised and is like an older sister) and meet her kids and grandkids and let Danny meet his relatives. One step at a time.

Hi all,

Well, I am back from a couple of my trips. I survived Mexico and my Thanksgiving trip to Phoenix. The Mexico trip was a lot of fun but lonely. Since I went by myself I had to find things to do alone. I did go on a tour that involved snorkeling, and a hike to a waterfall and swimming in the pool below. Then later I took a dive tour for my first scuba dive trip. I just wish I had started this process years ago. It was quite pleasurable. Unfortunately, I also bought another timeshare on this trip. Oh well, it gives me a few more options for traveling.

My Thanksgiving trip was just time spent with family, nothing special other than I left town and my son came home for the holiday. Needless to say I missed the time with my own family.

Well, we'll see how this next trip to Grand Cayman Island goes. I am looking forward to this one also.

Billy G.

Thanks all,

I am not sure but maybe when I return from all my curousing around I will have some stories and pictures to share. Maybe I will start a new topic like "Party On" or whatever.

I would dearly love to have Ronni go with me however she wouldn't do half the stuff I will be doing mainly because she never liked the water that much nor the nightlife. But she did enjoy the dinner cruises and other boat trips as well as exploring the areas around the locations where we ventured. But, I still wish she were going with me.

Billy G.

Billy, May I ditto what Dons wife has said?Change is good for the soul.When al this is done you will be anxious to get home and share your trip with Ronni and others.

No Billy, this is not "Life After".
This is Life Now. You're going to travel, see and do many things, and then you're going to come back and share stories with your Best Friend, who is unable to travel.
The lovely Ronni (and I say that with the utmost respect for both of you) will love hearing about your adventures. I know you can "paint" lots of beautiful pictures for her just by talking about your trip. [And you know she likes your voice, otherwise why would she have listened to it all these years? ] Have fun, my friend, and when you get back, Ronni will be there to hear all about it.

Well, that week is almost here. I have all my revervations so all I have to do now it pack and go. I leave the 9th of November for 10 days in Mexico (Puerto Vallarta) then, a day after I get back I leave again for Pheonix for Thansgiving. AND then the first week of December I leave again for Grand Cayman. Sooo, I will be rather busy for the rest of the year.

Debbie is a little anxious with the fact that I will be gone so much and she will be here alone with Ronni but, she was the one that pushed me into doing so much. She said I needed to get away and enjoy myself and I am doing just that. I just got back from a trip to Denver this last weekend. I took her grandson back home. Don't know how many people may know her but I got to see Taylor Swift in concert while I was there and it only cost $10 to get in. She is only 17 an is an upcoming young country star. She put on a really great show. Granted she is really young and appeals to the younger generations but she is a very good singer too and has some good songs to share.

So, is this the "Life After" I am suppose to have. I hope so but I still miss my baby and best friend.

Billy G.

Ladies, as you have found out, I am willing to hang it out there. Yes, it would be good if more men were willing to add their thoughts and experiences. However, in the mean time, you can ask and I will try to do what I can to give you my thoughts. Of course, some other men may not agree but that is what makes us all different. I can only speak for myself and from my own experiences.

So, I'm here. Thank you all again for your advice and wisdom. Deeply appreciated.

Billy G.

Mae well said!
And ditto to Moms Buddy's request Calling All Male Members please DO jump in
Just cause there are a majority of women here that doesnt mean we dont want to hear from you also, we may joke around a bit and act like "women"
But like MB I ALWAYS want to hear a mans perspective on anything it keeps us grounded and gives us insight