Hello I am new here. I ran across this website which I'm very happy I did.. I am hoping someone can help my family and I with some solutions.

My grandfather just passed away on December 26 leaving my grandmother who has the beginning of alzheimers alone. My aunt, uncle and mom have all been taking turns staying with my grandma seeing they don't know if she can be alone or not. My grandfather was sick for 2 months so they have all been taking turns staying since. Everyone is exhausted and confused. After my grandfather had passed they took my grandma who by the way is 78 to see an apartment with assisted living. She then said she doesn't want to move to an apartment.

She says she is going to move in with my mother but everyday she makes excuses. My mother still has to work so my grandma will still be alone all day. Her memory is pretty bad but she don't cook or anything like that and my mom is on one floor. The problem is we don't want to leave her alone in her big house all day and noone wants to keep running over their everynight. But at the sametime grandma don't want to go to assisted living.

My question is has anyone ever had a similar situation or heard of one and can you maybe give us some different ideas or options of what we can do. Grandma is very stubborn and does not want any nurses or anyone staying with her during the day either. Okay well thank you for listening I will await any answers as we are out of ideas. Thank you!

Hello I just wanted to say thank you soo much for everyone's responses. Every little bit helps..

Sometimes your so caught up in a situation that it's hard to see out of it..

We're still not exactly sure what to do but at the moment we are going to let my Grandma stay alone for awhile in hopes to get her to move with my mom.. hope it works!!

Thanks again, I will keep you updated.

Hi sunnydays,

I am as new here as you are, but I have a 79 year old grandmother with AD who I have been taking care of for a long time. I can tell you some of the things we have done in our circumstances, and maybe you can pull a little bit out of it to help you. If nothing else, maybe at some point I will be better at a direct answer.

8 years ago my grandmother had no AD, but she was an alcoholic with some bad folks around her encouraging a lot of self destructive behavior. I lived about 75 miles away, but we were in a trasitional point in our lives where it was convenient for us to move, so we had out mobile home moved next door to hers - she had 4 acres so there was a place for us, and she was happy to have me close. Anyway, all of that is just background.

We knew that there have been many cases of dementia in our family through the last 3 generations, so the AD was not unexpected and we were at least prepared. Grandma started showing symptoms around 4 1/2 years ago, but I was not the person at that point who was making the bigger decisions, and the person who was had a large case of denial going, but I was in place. I took over slowly, as there became things she was either willing to give up taking care of or she was unable to take care of. The second time her lights were cut off, for example, I started paying the bills.

The short version from then on is just that there came a point about 8 months ago when it was glaringly obvious that we could no longer foster her sense of independence. My house is positioned so that I could always watch her through her windows and I had secretly placed a baby monitor in her house that I listened to as well - it invaded her privacy, but with her mental state slipping her privacy wasn't unfortunately the most important concern. When she set her toaster on fire, it was time to move her forward. I simply walked over and told her that she had become a danger to herself, and I was sorry, but she was going to have to move in with me. She went for a visit to my mother's house, and by the time she had gotten back, we had moved her into my oldest daughter's bedroom which had been prepared a few days before. Simply put, she was given no choice in the matter, which was a rough way to do it, but in her case, it was the best way.

What has this got to do with you? Well, in short, it is possible for you to do some of the same things. Set ua a situation with caregivers or case managers or neighbors, whatever is available to you, to keep an eye on things. If your family is also continuing to visit her on a regular basis, then her situation can be monitored and you can do what you need to when she is no longer able to handle things on her own. Had I not lived next door, that situation would have come up long before it actually did for us.

This disease steals your Lo's mind and dignity, but you can let her keep it as long as possible. There are things that you are keeping for yourself (peace of mind, privacy, sanity) that way as well. All of this happens soon enough without pushing it along faster than it has to be. At least in our case, when the hard transition had to be made, it was a whole lot easier.

Sorry to be so long-winded. I don't know the meaning of a "short" response, apparently.

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Originally posted by sunnydays7777:
My aunt, uncle and mom have all been taking turns staying with my grandma seeing they don't know if she can be alone or not. My grandfather was sick for 2 months so they have all been taking turns staying since. Everyone is exhausted and confused.
I will await any answers as we are out of ideas. Thank you!

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Sunnydays, if your grandmother is just beginning the stages of Alzheimers it's still possible that, after the crisis from your grandfather's death is over, that she CAN still live alone for a while. The worry is hard on everyone, but abject misery in an apartment is possible and that can be hard too.

My mom lived alone with dementia until two years ago until she couldn't remember to eat anymore. Her's was a ten year gradual slide. She was also adamant about living alone. I was unable to force her to move to assisted living. I just moved her closer and closer and took on more and more as she declined. I got really tired of supporting her false sense of independance though, I can tell you that! It was infinitely harder taking care of two households by myself, than having her live with us. I should have forced the move into assisted living or our house 5 years before I did. It wasn't fair to any of us.

You could try setting up a few days trial in a nearby assisted living facility. They have respite rooms available for when family members have to leave town or have other crisis leaving them unable to care for their loved ones for a few days. It would give everyone a chance to recover and possibly Grandma would agree to try it for a few days. We did that with Mom when we absolutely had to go on vacation. Turned out Mom loved it after the first traumatic night, and begged us to leave her there.

The power of attorney enables others to basically sign papers for the person who might become incapacitated at any time. It has nothing to do with a will. Her closest relative should try and have a heart to heart talk with her about her sense of future, her fears, who she trusts at this point and so on. Get her wishes on paper and make sure she understands the need for the power of attorney.
Good Luck,
Sandi

Dear Grammy, thank you so much for your response. Is a power of attorney necessary if a person has a will?

Welcome sunnydays! I feel that your loved ones need to discuss a power of attorney especially with the diagnosis fo Alzheimers this is important. You folks sound like you are shell shocked with everything that has happened...you need to give each other credit. Although exhausting and overwhelming it sounds that there is a solid support system of folks that love your grandmother...this is another blessing that most families do not have. My MIL had to leave her home of 30 years after my FIL divorced her - she could not afford the house and moved next door to us. I can say the move was a catalyst in her rapid decline with this disease. WIthout moving though, she would have been in a nursing home...we wanted to help her as musch as possible to prevent that from happening...four years later more valleys than hills we are still caring for her despite her decline. There are ways to do this...safety first and foremost - no panic knee jerk moves and mellowness. Take a breath and work together on a gameplan for the next month...definite in the next month please get the power of attorney done. keep us pposted.

Peace and grace