I have responded to posts before, but I decided to come on in and try to help/get some help. I live with my mother and two daughters, ages 22 and 23. I have been with my mother for 14 years, and she is now almost 95. The biggest problem that I have is my resentment at not having any vacations and not much time off. I feel as if I have been left alone to deal with all of this caregiving by both my sister and God. My sister lives 5 hours away and never helped by coming to stay with her unless I asked her so that I could get time off. Now she has AD, so I'm not very happy with God about losing the only reliable help I had. As for my daughters, they can help, but my mother doesn't like the way they do things and only wants me. Ever since she fell and got a hip replacement last winter, she also will not sleep at home at night by herself, so I have to ask my children to stay home so that I can get one weekend night off. My mother is so gracious to everyone BUT me. How typical is that? (hahaha).

Does anyone have any ideas on how to get a hard of hearing person to communicate? My mother wears an aid, but she doesn't wear it at home. It really doesn't help all that much. I do not know how loud to speak, I always seem to yell too loud to suit her. And, I have noticed that she seems to hear everyone fine but me. I told her audioligist I think she is selectively not hearing me. Is that possible?

I would also like to say that all of you have been lifesavers to me. I mean that literally. Last year I tried two different antidepressants to alleviate depression. Both meds made me feel suicidal, and I struggled until I finally decided to just stop them. Reading EC online helped me to see I needed to change my thinking. I started to try to feel proud of the job I was doing, and not be envious of the people around me who have all the time in the world to do whatever they want. I realized that the whole experience was a great learning adventure, and now I know what to expect when I begin to need some care myself. I hope I will be better prepared for the disappointments and frustrations that come when I can't do this or that.

Oy vey now theres a job I dont envy one single bit
You poor thing *shaking head closing eyes*
Here lemme give you a big fat hug (((((((HUG))))))))

I forgot to tell everybody that my day job is the Welfare Department. I don't do checks/food stamps; my job is to get people to work or do something work-related while they are getting a check. Sort of like the Work Police, so it's pretty much back-to-back stress. Sorry, don't ask me Medicaid long term care questions, because I have never done nursing home Medicaid. It is a very specialized function in most welfare agencies due to the complexity of the rules. Most workers who do long term care cases do nothing else. I might be able to ask someone here, though, so if anybody really needs to know something I'll give it a shot.

That's what I thought she was doing. She seems to hear everyone but me. She would prefer to just give orders rather than answer questions, so when I have to tell or ask her anything, she just goes deaf. She is a very controlling person, an ex-schoolteacher, which is the job that frustrated actors usually take. A real, certified drama queen, her college major was actually drama. I must say that in the last six months ever since her hip replacement, she's been a lot less controlling and demanding and more on the pitiful side. I, too have learned a lot more about being like you guys, and doing what you do--being more assertive and matter-of-fact. Changing roles is hard to do. Lord, that sounds like a song, doesn't it?

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Does anyone have any ideas on how to get a hard of hearing person to communicate?

Absolutely.
If she is in fact alert and oriented at the moment you need to speak with her start off with:
"Mom I really need your imput here can I bend your ear for a moment?"
If your having issues with who gets to take care of her when you need a break make a statement do not ask if its ok with her if daughter #1 takes the shift just tell her Daughter will be standing in for the next several hours period, if she puts up a fuss do not engage thats what they want remember mothers are experts at giving guilt she aint gonna unlearn that knack overnight so your response has to be short sweet and to the point.
As for the hearing....well Im chucklin over here simply cause I had a patient who used to pull that routinely with her daughter I could talk at a fairly normal level with her and she'd hear me just fine but the minute her daughter came in it was "HUH?! I CANT HEAR YOU! SPEAK LOUDER!"
She wanted sympathy/attention is all its a tactic they use all the time.
Word of the day: Tolerance

Awwww, Onlycarol - your words gave me goosebumps! I'm so glad you found us! Eldercare can be a VERY lonely, frustrating road and mostly the only folks who really talk about it are those who are doing it or who have done it.

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I started to try to feel proud of the job I was doing, and not be envious of the people around me who have all the time in the world to do whatever they want.

It IS an honorable pursuit! When I read/hear remarks from folks who think it's a waste of time, or somehow beneath them, all I can think is how swift karma can be...

Learning to be GOOD to ourselves during this time in our lives is tough, especially when the needs of others are so much more obvious. Caring for the caregiver is arguably the toughest part of our assignment!

There WILL come a day when you won't be a caregiver for your mom... and if you are anything like most of us, learning how to do other things with all the choices in the world in front of us is a very challenging assignment!

MANY blessings to you for the years of service you have given to your mom! I'm looking forward to getting to know you & yours better.

Carol, I have read your other posts and I am very relieved that you have started your own thread here. My own mother has severe hearing loss(probably from TIAs), macular degeneration, and mobility impairment from arthritis. I understand the challenge of communication. It isn't easy. Selective hearing? You betcha!!! (But in Mom's case, if the hearing is due to brain damage from mini strokes, maybe it is not of her choosing, maybe it is on and off for other reasons.)

With Mom, I did have to be very firm that she would accept help from others when she got to the point of needing 24/7, because I could not and would not do it all. I don't live with her, I have my own home, but very few can do it all even under the same roof. Baby, I will get back to you later. I have to go now.

Talk soon, OK?