I have total responsibility for my mom 91 years. I have a full time job and a son 30 who just got out of rehab (addiction). I feel so drained and so tired of "being there" for everyone else. My husband allows my mom to live here but hates her. She is mean and rude to everyone. The pressure is really getting to me to balance everyone. Who do I cater to my mom she needs me most, my son who is getting on his feet, my husband, just when do I fit into this equation?

Welcome to our Forum family, Texcare...

You sure do have a lot on your plate these days but I see many members have already given you great advice on various fronts. I also see you're already taking advantage of it.

Just one more suggestion if I may: Before you begin a serious exercise program, please check with your doctor. Some of these workout systems may be more strenuous than you expect and you really should know what your actual condition is before risking possible injury. Take care and have fun with it, you certainly do deserve it.

Please keep posting and let us know how you and your family members are faring. We really do care.

Joan Marie

"Dream as though you will live forever. Love as though you will die tomorrow."

Hi Texcare,

I concur with Edyth, I worked in chemical dependency unit for years.

Your son's recovery would be enhanced by living in a half way house. It increases the success rate dramatically. Our therapists strongly tried to get all program attendees to go to a half way house and do 90 AA/NA/CA meetings in 90 days for their support system (they have a card for the meeting secretary to sign). He can call the program for a referral.

Is your mom on any medications to control these behaviors/symptoms?

A few people I know have had ready to cook healthy meals delivered to their door. They are frozen and you order a week at a time. Very delicious. Good for folks on the go with little time.

We all need to make time for ourselves, and Curves is a positive choice. If you stop doing everything for the men in your life, they will fend for themselves. Just say no to SuperMom syndrome.

Sharon

Thank You to you two ladies... I guess what I was needing was validation to begin change...My mother will be my biggest challange...my most difficult decision...I will be taking some time to look into options for her... in the meantime I just got off the phone and I will be joining Curves ( a workout place) tomorrow. Its a small step but I hav eto shed these extra 25 lbs of stress that I gained. I stuffed my feeling down with anything in the kitchen...Yes, speaking up and making my needs known my shock some folks in this small Texas town... but its time... Thanks for all your support and I will keep you updated.

quote:

---

---

Texcare, enablers, that is something we all can relate.It is a learned behavior.We are taught that we do what it takes, no matter what it does to us.Well that is poppycock.I am learning.Better late than never.First , learn to say no. Find something you one to do for our self and do it.Dictate responsibility to another.When your son does something that he is responsible tell him he made his bed now lay in it.They are great manipulators. There was a time that I could not be spontaneous.Everything had to be done before I would got out when invited.No more.The dishes will be there tomorrow.The bed will get messed up so why worry.When I am asked to go somewhere, I do not thin twice about going.Give your self something to look forward to.On person cannot make all happen. As long as those in the family have 2 arms and 2 legs there are things they can do to help.You may have some non to happy people when you say this is my time and I do not want to be asked to do nothing.Those we have catered to will fight our change.If they get a little mad , they will get glad again.Who ever old us we have to be the chosen one to make everyone happy? I have a daughter in law who tells my son when she feels he is not doing his part.This is an agreemet they have made.It is called respect, responsibility and above all maturity.Put a sign outside your door and tell them here lies the door mat, wipe your feet before entering.It is difficult to change ones behavior when you have done it so long.Take the first step to do something for you.Pay no attn. to the responses.No one likes change.It changes their compfort zone.If you feel as you say you are, take one giant step for you.It will make you feel so different and feel you have not lost all control of your life. Honey, I have been there and know what you are feeling.Trust in your abilities to do what is best for you.

Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all out, just as they are, chaff and grain together, certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keeping what is worth keeping, and with a breath of kindness blowing the rest away.

Perhaps the most doable spot to start is placing your Mom. Then you can work at the others. The son can do some foot work on his own. If he is in recovery then he should have a councelor and/or a sponser that can possibly help him find a group home situation or a support group enviroment. Remember this if you become seriously ill or injured, which is a real possiblity, then they will be out in the cold without notice. Do it now and they will have a good chance of getting to a good arrangement and you maybe able to keep your health, home and well being. Take no steps and everyone looses it all.

Edyth Ann aka Bubblehead aka Queen Bubble
AOL IM EdythAnn12
edythann@netzero.net

I don't know where to start to take care of myself... I have allowed everyone to lean on me I dug this hole... it does not seem fair to just dump them all without warning...I really don't want to be an enabler any longer...I have enabled all of them too long... just need to find that starting point.

with you working and her attitude it may be best to search out your option in her recieving 24/7 care outside of the home. This will allow you the ability to still provide the l.oving care but not having to put up with the rougher moments so that you do become less resentful.

Edyth Ann aka Bubblehead aka Queen Bubble
AOL IM EdythAnn12
edythann@netzero.net

I guess I need to see my options in black and white... I have a lady who comes fom 9-4 and another from 4-8. I have a full time job so I get home at 6-6:30 fix dinner and then the helper and I get her ready for bed. My mother is so mean to the workers I have to give them raises so they don't quit. She calls my office no less than 10 times a day. And then always has a "fit" which makes me come home at least 2 times a week. She called the police because she lost $5. and she thinks the helper took it. She called the bank last Friday 13 times in a two hour period. Of course they called me to complain. She drank a half bottle of Phillips Milk of Magnesia and did we have a mess on our hands...Oh my gosh... she has this 'Thing" about having to have a bm every few hours. She used to take 3 or 4 enemas a day but we stopped that when she flooded the bathroom and fell and broke her pelvis...I do love her but I am losing all the wonderful memories I had of her... and I am becoming resentful of my sister who don't help...even when begged and pleaded with... one came three years ago and one came a year and half ago...I am sorry to go on and on but I have no one to talk to... my husband would love to put her in a nh but I just don't see that ... or maybe I do but the guilt kicks in... I want it to be a joy to take care of her and I envision it to be a privilage to care for her but honestly I just don't want to do it anymore...or at least I want someone to take the responsibilty for awhile.

try putting you up there at the top of the list. You can not possibly care for everyone. You need to take stock on what you can reasonably do without jeopardizing your own well being. Check around and find your options. There are many there. Your son is old enough to take care of himself, even in recovery. No it is not going to be easy for him but little that is worthwhile is easy.

Edyth Ann aka Bubblehead aka Queen Bubble
AOL IM EdythAnn12
edythann@netzero.net