Hello,

I've been dealing with my mother (89, almost helpless and in various care centers)since my wife left me. I'm known as a rational, gentle soul but I have a sore throat from screaming in my car, and sore knuckles from punching a file cabinet.

As Mom got older, I armed myself with the knowledge I can do anything, especially with POA, intelligence and patience.
That was until I discovered things like the Patriot Act have affected caring for someone. Managing finances, getting her an ID card, Filing documents is all so complicated I wonder if I'll ever get her affairs in order.

I quit my job last week to live off my savings and do 1001 things for my mother. I have no personal life, job, pets or much reason to live any longer than my mother. When I'm not on my motorcycle running endless errands, I'm drinking way too much as I fill out endless forms, checklists and make calls to people who ignore me because I'm nobody. Last night I lay on the floor and cried like a baby even though I'm a big 55 y/o man. LOL.

I'll do anything for my mother, but the effort is draining me. I'm no weakling, but this task is killing me. My siblings are of no use, so I'm elected.

I hope to find some help on this fine forum, but right now it's too much info to digest.

Sorry for the rant, but today I tried to renew her USN Ret ID. Yesterday I tried to open a checking account in her name and redirect her income. In each case I hit a brick wall.

Sorry for the rant, but maybe it serves a purpose.

Bless your heart hon. I'm dealing with the getting things in order myself here. Rome wasn't built in a day.

Still trying to close out a few bank accounts my Mom had in Tx. Oh Gawd....neice didn't write down any withdrawls or deposits since August.

And the phone thing with social security changing bank accounts? I don't even want to go there right now. I'll get all mad again.

They'd ask to talk to Mom. LOL....Mom is pretty deaf. She tells them she can't hear them, and hands the phone back to me. Seems that did make them happy though. But I was on hold forever each time, which ticks me off. Then there's the "talk to the computer part" which when dogs are also barking, computer doesn't pick up what I say....Grrrrrrr Please send me bottles to break too!

Still working on getting Mom back established with docs here. And if I live long enough, she will have 2 hearing aids that she can hear properly out of!!!! Thats my goal in the next 2 weeks.

Wishing you the best. I too, am finding out this ain't as easy as I thought it'd be. But as good as my Mom was to me all these years, I know I'll never regret my decision to move her here.

Nemo:

I’m new to care giving and I too have had a couple of rough years. No man is an island onto himself. As a caregiver, you are going to need support and sometimes you can’t count on existing friends or family. This forum is a great place to start and the folks here are exceedingly kind and understanding.

quote:

Oh, and all those empty booze bottles - you know, the ones with the contents down the sink? Take them out to your garage, stand at one end, and throw them against the opposite wall. They make such a lovely sound!!

MW oooohhhh a woman after my own heart! *chuckle* I looooove the sound of breakin glass the louder the better works EVERY time

Aw folks, I'm almost sorry for this:

I'd like to be
under the sea
in an octopus's garden
in the shade

That way the octopus with his/her 8 arms could get all the details out of the way; with it's imposing size and the ability to puff itself up, that paperwork should be taken care of in no time, with no questions asked!

Nemo, your mom is retired Navy? Have you tried any of the Veteran's Service organizations, state or federal? They too sometimes work SLOOOOWLY, but they might be a good place to start.

Two years is an awful long time to be going through this alone. We're glad you found us!
Your story sounds a little bit like the cobbler's children who had no shoes, or the one about doctors and nurses making the worst patients! Take some of the advice I'm sure you've given to others in the wee dark hours of morning - take care of yourself. Oh, and all those empty booze bottles - you know, the ones with the contents down the sink? Take them out to your garage, stand at one end, and throw them against the opposite wall. They make such a lovely sound!! Yes, you'll be the one to sweep up all the broken glass, so be careful, but it sure beats the heck out of breaking your hand on a file cabinet!

Hang in there, Sunshine. We'll get us through this.

quote:

Screaming in the car is good

OMG, if the interior of my vehicles and my front porch could talk...!!!!!
I'd NEVER be able to afford the "hush money."!!!

Nemo, I can understand your reaction to the stress you are under, but as Moms_Buddy and Bunnys_Girl have said, drinking is going to make the job even harder, to say nothing of what it is doing to you.

Join the large crowd of "nobodies" who have been ignored, put on hold, told it can't be done, etc.. But we aren't "nobodies". We are caregivers, and we share the tricks of the trade so that our loved ones get what they need, and hopefully, we survive without too much damage. More than a few of us have found that dangerous ways of "coping" ie. drinking, pill popping start to creep up on us. But we don't want to leave our loved one without anyone one their side so we change our tactics.

Screaming in the car is good, punching file cabinets, eh, a little lower on the list.

I am glad to hear you are not a weakling. Many find that this is the hardest job they have ever done, but it can be done and it is a lot more manageable when we find solutions as a group. Otherwise, each of us has to reinvent the wheel to get anything done.

Welcome Nemo,

Ok Nemo Im gonna tell it like it is you need to set the drink down first and foremost if you want to be as you put it "mentally sound" Im all for an occasional drink every now an then but when you tell us your taking anti depressants and mixing alcohol with it thats not a good mix at all and I think you know that please do yourself a favor and stop this, it only adds to your anxiety AND depression.
You can not begin to heal nor take care of others until you heal yourself from the inside out and I think you know that
After all you yourself counsel folks Im pretty sure you know what brought them to that critical point most times right?
I think its time to step back from all that for a period of time I happen to know a little about what you do and I am VERY aware that counselors of your caliber often reach a breaking point because of the seriousness of the subject matter you deal with
Take that ride to clear your head yes but stop and smell the roses along the way...Mourn your losses, forgive them their shortcomings, make a point to forgive yourself for whatever you feel you did or didnt do then and only then can you begin the healing process.
Remember your new friends here are cheering you on
I for one cant wait to meet the new and improved you
Peace on your journey

Thanks, all.

It's been a rough two years.
A number of friends died, my wife left me after 27 years, she was diagnosed with a brain tumor later removed by hightech surgery, I bought a house just in time to lose my longterm job, went to school for a career change to a stressful job in healthcare, then quit working because Mom's care was breaking me. I have a girlfriend who lives 2000 miles away, and her voice on the phone is heavenly.

I take antidepressants, and have been forgetting to take them. Today I made a point of resuming them and lightening up on the booze. As a sideline, I often counsel suicidals online, and at one time seldom slept while sitting up with more serious cases.

Life has thrown a lot at me and I've hung in there and coped, but this is just overwhelming.

Mom called tonight and I explained 4 times how we can get her driven to the DMV for an ID card. She kept asking about tangental details yet to be resolved, but I was trying to learn when it would be best for her to take the ride, since she's incontinent and in a chair. She got angry with me.
If I could feel some bit of progress, it would help. Joining this forum gives me that feeling.

I fixed a good dinner tonight, took a long walk in the rain and breathed.
Tomorrow I'll disappear for the day on my motorcycle in the mountains.
I never drink when I'm riding.

When I'm mentally sound, I'll have plenty of specific questions here, and I promise to search first. I realize my problems might seem small compared to others' challenges.

A quick perusal of this forum shows me how easy I have it.

Thanks, folks.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Nemo,

Amen and Ditto to what Moms Buddy just said Nemo
you sound like a rubber band just about to break.
STOP!
Set your butt down right here right now and lets take a deep breath hell several!
I am truly sorry you are going through this alone and seemingly unaided.
Your not alone thats why we are here, to help you get through the rough spots

We DO understand this is some frustrating stuff we go through and lemme tell you Iv yelled long and hard a few times....truth....it doesnt get you anywhere except for of course a big fat headache
Paperwork requires a little bit of finesse if you are brand spankin new to this then the short of this is POA's while we need them dont do all the things we think they will most institutions have their own set of papers we need to fill out to put us on the accounts If your mom already has a Bank account you dont have to get her a new one you just have to be a signer on the one she already has and the bank can help you accomplish that.
Get everything together like the POA's and any other relevant stuff you have of hers SS#card any type of ID she has with a pic on it etc.
Take it down to the bank and they will help you out
Explain what else you have to do in detail and we will get you headed in the right direction
Welcome in Nemo

Welcome, Nemo. Sounds like you have had a run of bad luck in addition to caregiving. You sound very depressed and with what you have been experiencing, it's no wonder. Sometimes we can square our shoulders and pull ourselves together and sometimes we need help to do so. Generally a good sign that help might be required is when you

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have a sore throat from screaming in my car, and sore knuckles from punching a file cabinet.

Take a deep breath, dear and settle down. The paper chase is daunting, but things DO work out - it just doesn't feel that way when you are trying to wade through.

For paperwork and stuff, our "Legal, Financial and Insurance" board should give you some good tips.

If there is something specific that's driving you nuts right now, lay it on us and maybe we can help. It's easy to feel overwhelmed and become despondent at the sheer despair of having to sort through all the rigamarole that comes IN ADDITION to caregiving duties.

All I can tell you for sure is not to feel like the Lone Ranger. Folks here are very well acquainted with all these frustrations and more. Although it may not feel like it at the moment, things WILL get sorted out and you WILL be able to make some plans to get things going in the direction that you need. I can't promise that it'll be easy, but if you are willing to try, we all stand ready to help in any way that we can.

Slack up on the booze. It won't make things any better and the anesthesia doesn't work. Besides, it's expensive and I am sure you don't need any extra unnecessary outlays of cash. As harsh as it sounds, the best way to get through unspeakably hard times is sober. Every baby step you take on your shakey knees can give you confidence that you can take another. One step at a time, you'll see how facing this stuff without booze will strengthen you with the real inner strength required and not the false anesthesia of alcohol.

Take it easy on yourself a little. You sound like you are dancing as hard as you can. These things do not work themselves out in a day or two, or even a month or two - you have to get there one day at a time. You can't take care of Mom if ya ain't takin' care of you, m'friend.

Hang in there! Many blessings to you for taking on this load despite what's happening in your own life.