being an only child has always left me being "ganged up on" by my parents, whom I spent too many years trying to please in hopes that behavior would stop! I was wrong, of course, and now they're each 92, living together somewhat independently (she has early/mid Alz, he moves very slowly on crutches) in thier own home and I'm struggling to be sure they're taken care of reasonably, without losing my own life in the shuffle. Anybody else know of a parallel situation? I hear tales of kids coping with either a mother or father, but not both! Help!!!!

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I spent too many years trying to please in hopes that behavior would stop! I was wrong, of course, and now they're each 92,

Welcome! Guess what? You answered your own question!!! Congratulations, you are on your way!

A parallel situation??? *chuckle* well....
Oh BTW Welcome the heck in Peabody ya mind if we call ya that? I kinda dig that one

Seriously though lemme tell ya a story...
I married an only child....Oh wait thats not a good start lol sorry dear lol
Lemme see if I put this another way so you dont feel Im running you into the ground ok?
You see all that spoiling, affection, spoiling and discipline and spoiling....did I mention spoiling??? that my hunny got growin up made him the man he was when I met him Yeeesh!
So I retrained him
Did ya laugh yet?
Well if ya didnt imagine me for a moment, a spoiled brat of a hunny and read my line at the bottom thats me in a nutshell...then think clash of the titans!
Im the bigger badder version hunny didnt win.
Oh he still tries.
But seriously MIL and FIL over 36 years married VERY old fashioned MIL is the worst offender of the spoiling.....and both were/are as stubborn and bull headed as you could EVER imagine. Oh yeah heres a lil tid bit FIL was a head chef who hated knives and the sight of blood.....so does my MIL wanna guess how many times I patched that man up because of those UNGODLY sharp knives he owned.
Now a little over 10 years ago my FIL passes after several strokes and now Im left with 2, MIL and HUNNY Oh God is he a baby!
Oh dont get me wrong I love him thats not an issue but usually when folks ask do you have children I answer yes....2
Meanwhile lookin around for rug rats and finding none I point out the 2 I mean, MIL and Hunny. (And yes hunny is aware of this I say it in front of both of them!)
I may not have given birth the conventional way but dang it I might as well have for all the grief those 2 give me!
But you see I have been with these folks over 26 years now I know this doesnt sound like a parallel but what I want you to pay attention to is whats being said...its all joking.
I know your settin there goin Huh???
I pick and choose my fights and how I deal with people, these 2 in particular while we may not always get along (GOD thats an understatement) underneath those bad times we all know what each one means to each other. (Im gonaakillum!) KIDDING!
Now when you throw AD into the mix well you gotta throw all this out the window and not take it all so seriously for they know not what they say...do....yell....wander to.....what I asked them 10 minutes ago.....Yes I said "Them" LOL My hunny has CRS why ya think Im always yellin at him to toss the garbage?!
Ok Im gettin a little side tracked I know but for 26 years all toll I have been caring for 3 people that couldnt function in some way shape or form.
Did I crack?
No
Did I have a life outside of all this?
You betcha
We all make choices talk to your father about HIS choices will he accept a caregiver to come in and help out if he becomes incapacitated and not able to assist mom (Im assuming your dad is mentally sound yes?)
Would he be ok with an ALF (Assisted Living Facility)
Or are you willing to let all this roll off your back and dig in and help them?
See choices

uhmm, peabodyrus, you do seem to have a full plate. Very few of us have both parents reach 92, especially still somewhat independent, whether we are only children or not.. If we have someone participating here that has your particular circumstances, I don't know.

Still several handle all aspects of parent care in spite of having siblings who only participate to be obstructive.

Regardless of the sibling head count, it is a major adjustment, to treat them with the respect they should have, but no longer be "the child". You seem to clearly recognize that they can push your buttons and how they do it, so you can start to change that. Someone out there probably can match you for each step, and if so, I do hope they will answer you here. Both of my nieces (bro has one, Hub's sis has one) are an only child and will inherit the whole caregiving shebang, like you. 4 of my cousins are parents of an only child, so I am really taking notes here. I have no children so I will pass it on to the youngsters of others. I will also save some of the threads that involve sibling war over parent care for them so maybe they will see a blessing in the chaos.

In the mean time, Moms_Buddy gives you some strong advice that we all need to review. We will always be their child. They will always be able to push our buttons until we recognize that our role in their lives has changed. I am the "baby" and the only girl, my oldest brother has died. Alot had already changed, but the experience of telling my Mother (then 89) that her first born was dead switched our roles forever. I became her protecter, she became my child. I would never treat her as a child, but her welfare is my responsibility. I will distract her, praise her, redirect her, but I take time out, not her. It is an amazing thing. You'll get there, and I really hope you will share it. There are a whole lot of only kids out there who could really benefit from your solutions down the road.

Hopefully one of our members whose circumstance matches yours will come along. Until then, the best suggestion I can give you is to learn about the fine art of emotional detachment. The battles of old are over. Your parents are old and not going to change their ways. The only way to not fall into the same patterns of communication and behavior is to change something - and the only thing YOU can change is your own attitudes and behaviors. Learning not to pick up bait that's thrown; changing a response; making statements rather than asking questions; making decisions and not looking for approval, etc. It's a tough row to hoe, but many of us have done this successfully and I have every confidence that you can learn, too! Good luck!

Thanks for the encouraging words, Moms_Buddy, but I still want very much to encounter another only child caring for both obstreperous parents who are well-practiced in ganging up on their only child - we all have difficulties, of course, but I remain curious about specific tactics and experiences.
Basic medical needs are addressed, insofar as they're applicable (both are really quite healthy except for her early/mid Alz). This is a particular situation, perhaps more unusual than even I realize. There are some families in which the expected warmth and loving care were never really present, and platitudes don't serve to do other than remind one how thoroughly one's life isn't like others', in reality or wishful thinking!
Thanks for the blessings, Moms_Buddy- those are always needed and welcome!

Welcome, peabodyrus! Actually, your plight is more common than you might imagine, which is why we're here - so that when you are feeling isolated and like this is happening to only you, that you'll KNOW it ain't so!!

One doesn't need to be an only child caregiving for two aging parents to appreciate the difficulty of balancing ne's life with caregiving responsibilities! I hope that their doc has ordered home health visits for them and that you are taking full advantage of programs such as Meals On Wheels to take some of the burden off both you and them.

When you get time, fill us in on some of the details and things that are driving you the MOST crazy and we'll try to help! Looking foward to getting to know you and yours.

Many blessings to you for all that you are doing to care for your parents!