Gosh, I'm so new at this that I didn't realize we were considered caregivers since my mother in law is in a nursing home. She was put there after having a stroke following surgery four weeks ago. She has been diagnosed with dementia. It's been a tough four weeks. Every weekend there has been some sort of emotional crisis with her. As I've been reading today, I see that this is common with dementia patients.She's always been demanding and difficult, so I just thought this was her usual behavior just more so. She's not adjusting to the home very well and visiting is not a pleasant experience. Does it get better?

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We have already learned not to cross any bridges until we get there.

AMEN TO THAT!!!!

The flowers worked along with a promise to take her to bingo ourselves. We spent 11 hours packing up the apartment and are ready for the big yard sale this weekend. We are keeping our fingers crossed that at the end of the weekend everything is either sold or donated. We also want to make enough money to hire a crew to clean the apartment. This is something we would have normally done ourselves, but we are taking care of ourselves and paying for it.

The apartment complex messed up and called her about when the apartment would be vacant. She got very upset and suddenly wants to go to the apartment. We are going to put her off because the home doesn't want us to tell her it's gone.

Her demenia is bad enough that she can't take care of herself, but not so bad that we are going to be able to get away with this for long. I think eventually we will be forced to tell her that since her apartment was government subsidized, it could only be vacant for three months, then it had to be given up. But they also told us she could reinstate her housing anytime she was well enough.

We are going to talk with the social worker at the NH before we tell her anything. We hope that maybe she will say she doesn't want to keep paying rent on an apartment she isn't living in. We have already learned not to cross any bridges until we get there.

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I went through a similar experience with my grandmother when I was 13. My mom left me in the house to care for grandma in her angry demenia and mom moved out. It was hell until I was 19. Then I moved out and they were forced to put her in a home. It was the last time my mother ever spoke to me. My grandma died when i was 25 and mom died 3 years later. So going through this with my mom in law is bringing up hard memories for me.

JEEZEUM!! I guess this DOES bring up some awful stuff for you! I cannot imagine leaving an elderly person with dementia with a kid... You sure learned all the WRONG things that should happen when caring for Gramma, didn't you?!!! It's a wonder you don't have a fear of blue hair!!!

I soooo understand what you mean about everything being mixed up. When Mom first came back to live here, I tried to get her to sort photos, but found out that she was unable to do so... No rhyme nor reason to it at all! I think so MANY people do not REALIZE how deeply dementia goes... What most folks, even family, see is a thin veneer, but just under the surface is a person who is very disabled and dysfunctional. It always makes me sad to go through Mom's things - the (dis)order tells the story...

Hope that y'all get everything done - I don't blame you for hanging back - y'all must all be exhausted!! Things WILL settle down from this, but it'll always be something... It's EASY to become overwhelmed with a busy life with jobs, school, kids and someone calling from a nursing home!! I think just ONE of those would have me chasing my tail!!

Hang in there and let us know if the flowers and candy helped...

Thank you Moms_Buddy. Your post helped and made me smile. We did tell everyone to be on the lookout. The day the woman was supposed to show up passed without incident other than mom being upset with us. That's better than a scene with the woman showing up.

Monday we moved mom from her rehab room to her next room. Tuesday and Thursday my husband and I worked until 7:00. We are teachers and work at the same school. Last night we were exhausted from work. All day today we packed up mom's apartment. We didn't realize how much she was hording. The apartment was always neat, but in every drawer, closet, under the beds, were boxes and boxes filled with stuff. It's taking forever because you have to go through each box prized posessions are mixed with garbage. Things from a week ago are mixed with things from years ago. Luckily a friend from school helped us. Tomorrow we have our two kids and two more friends helping. She has to be out by next weekend.

Tomorrow is the first day we will have for visiting mom this week and we heard today she is still angry. I told my husband your suggestions for flowers and candy I also told him that I just couldn't go. I really need a break from the drama.

I went through a similar experience with my grandmother when I was 13. My mom left me in the house to care for grandma in her angry demenia and mom moved out. It was hell until I was 19. Then I moved out and they were forced to put her in a home. It was the last time my mother ever spoke to me. My grandma died when i was 25 and mom died 3 years later. So going through this with my mom in law is bringing up hard memories for me.

Additionally, my husband and I are both enrolled in Master's degree programs. We need these degrees to advance in our jobs. Our son is 15 and learning to drive. He's a freshman in high school and a wonderful kid. Our daughter is 21 and is a junior in college studying to be a teacher. It's in the blood. She is getting married next summer to a terrific young man. Between working full time, going to school full time, being there for the kids, taking care of the house I get overwhelmed by mom's demands. I know Ron does too.

Sorry for the novel. I'm just getting you caught up I guess. I do really appreciate being able to talk to someone who gets it.

Please be SURE to alert the folks at the NH about this, especially the Charge nurse and social worker. Sometimes, when things like this happen, it's best to quietly inform the folks in charge of the place rather than try to explain to your Mom... As you saw, she doesn't process things well any more because she just can't remember... Wouldn't this woman have had a great time setting her up to fleece her again!! So GLAD you heard about this and put a stop to it!

Bless your heart, there IS a lot of drama and angst that goes along with this job and whether you are caring for a LO in your home or at a facility, there are always unique, TRYING issues...

Give Mom a few days and hopefully she will forget she is mad at you for "running her life." And if you brought her some chocolate or flowers, it might give her something good on which to focus. Or she might eat the flowers and throw the chocolate in the trash...

Hang in there!

Thank you to those who replied. This site has been incredibly helpful already. I was on for hours this weekend. Mom is currently angry. There was a lady who cleaned her house and was a friend of hers before the stroke for awhile. Then we found out she was stealing from mom. Mom told her to leave her alone. This weekend the lady found mom and told her she was going to pick her up and take her on an outing from the home. Mom has forgotten this lady stole and only remembers the friendship. She is furious that we are "choosing her friends" and taking over every aspect of her life. We can't talk to her about this. We went to police and filed a report to keep this lady away. More drama. I told my husband that I just don't think I can go visit this weekend. I need a break from the drama especially since we have to pack up mom's apartment this weekend.

Welcome, Nutmeg. "Does it get better?" That's a tough question and I'd get nominated for Oracle of the Year if I could answer...

I can tell you this: you (and your husband) have entered a very tough time in life. Everything you've ever experienced and learned will come to bear. Facing the loss of a parent is hard on many levels... standing beside someone facing that loss is arguably even tougher. Dementia is a cruel condition and it usually doesn't happen overnight. For so many of us, as the shock begins to wear off and we begin learning about this condition, we often can trace little signs back for years... things we wrote off as someone being ornery, forgetful, etc. Which came first sometimes is hard to say... Our knowledge and opinions of our loved ones are often tainted by our own perceptions - age, family position, temperament, etc. Try not to waste too much time looking backward over your shoulder; focus, rather on what is and try to get your mind around it. There aren't too many folks whose last goal in life is to end up in a nursing home, but that's the reality for many of us. It isn't surprising that your MIL isn't adjusting well yet, but don't give up on her. To say it's quite a transition is a vast understatement augmented by her mental deterioration.

The only way I know to handle it is to change one's perspective and detach from the emotional image and memories we have of our loved one. She is now a patient who is suffering from a degenerative condition that is destroying her brain. The brain damage suffered during/after a stroke has much to do with it, depending on the extent of injury and location of the brain that has been damaged. Learning about it helps. It helps not only to understand what has happened but also what one may observe and expect in the time to come. For example, some strokes affect the speech centers and a person can be expected to have problems with translating thought into words and vocalizing them. Other damage might affect one's use of limbs, motor skills, etc. Still others may affect portions of the brain which control impulse control and emotion. Knowing what has happened in YOUR MIL's brain can help to explain some of her behavior that is causing her discomfort and inhibiting her ability to enjoy visits, etc. Once you know more about the nitty-gritty specifics, you can begin to understand how she might react and how you can be of comfort to her. If one is very lucky, you will (or already may have) met some of the few extraordinary individuals who work with stroke patients - doctors, nurses, therapists. Some are technicians and not of much use but others know their field and are able to retain their respect and regard for their patients and their families. Those are the gems who can help you learn some of the practical skills you will need.

Many folks here are familiar with strokes and are caring for folks who have suffered from them. Searching the forums for the keyword stroke will net MANY references. You may find a lot of assistance in the posts of those who have walked this walk.

As you have time, if you can fill us in a little about your MIL's specifics - how the stroke affected her, what issues she is now having at the nursing home, etc., we can hopefully offer some more specific help and understanding.

Best wishes to all of you! I'm glad you found your way here - it's a great bunch of folks! I hope you'll update us when you can.

Hi Nutmeg62,

Here is a link from our own website that can help you understand the transitioning of a LO to a nursing home:

http://www.ec-online.net/Knowledge/Articles/adjusting.html

I hope it helps you get thru this difficult phase. I take care of my mom at my own home so I can't offer any personal advice. BUT, I can say welcome, and want you to find some comfort in knowing that you are not alone.

Hello Nutmeg, and welcome. As you read, you will see that caregiving doesn't only mean those who change the depends, but those who drive to appointments, prepare meals, go over the paper work, Check up on agencies, on and on. If you are involved with her, taking steps to aid in her comfort and well being, you are a caregiver.

For some, it does get better. They become adjusted to the new environment, get on the right medications for them, make some friends. Even then, they sometimes respond to visits unexpectedly. Some times, each visit is like a trip to the "twilight zone". In that case, you learn to not take it personally, redirect their attention, accept that they are afraid and angry for good reason.

If (when) I suddenly become helpless, I know I will be angry and afraid. Hopefully I will be able to remember what I have learned here and have some compassion for my CGs. Those poor, poor, people.

Welcome in, I hope you will read some of our history, and please ask if you would like help to find any topic.