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Hello - I am so glad I found this site. I've been crying all day and reading some of the messages have helped.
My mom - 85 years old - was a very independent person and over the year's has increasingly become confused, putting things where she couldn't find them, wasn't eating right, etc. We moved her to Assisted Living August 2006 and everything was going fine. She loved it and participated in everything. 4 weeks ago she got a bad cough and cold and her confusion quickly got worse. She wouldn't go for lunch/dinner, had incontinence problems, was angry and mean and the list goes on and on. The doc put her in the hospital and although she wasn't diagnosed with a UTI infection, he really thought that was a problem. We thought the antibiodics would reduce the confusion but that hasn't happened. She doesn't remember the hospital, being mean to her caregivers or anything of the last 4 weeks. She sits in her chair and pounds her fist on the arm trying to remember where she is and what has happened. She keeps telling us she knows she has lost her mind and she doesn't know why. She has always been such a caring person, not a mean bone in her body. It is so hard to watch her be so frustrated. I thought that she would be confused and start to lose her surroundings, but wouldn't realize what was happening to her. She know's all of her family, but she can't figure out where she is or why she is there. We've increased her care and they help her dress and make sure she goes for meals. She is no longer mean or nasty, but is so frustrated. It was so hard to visit with her today, I don't know what to tell her. I don't handle stress well and the doc has put me on Lexapro to help out. My panic attacks are back. Forgot to mention I am an only child and mom and I have always been close. I so miss our daily chat's. I am married and my husband has been wonderful. Mom know's her granddaughter (our daughter) and know's the name's of her great grandchildren. She know's us in person, but when we call on the phone she isn't so sure who we are. I've tried looking on the web to see the stages and try to figure out what we can expect next. After our visit today, I so wish she would not wake up in the morning. She has always said she hoped something like this would never happen and if it did she wanted me to find a way to end it. I'm feeling so guilty right now. I'm at a loss right now and the social worker at the Assisted Living facility has been so nice. Feel's good to write to someone that has experience the same feelings. I just wish I could go to a list of stages and know exactly where we're at and how long we have. I don't know if I can handle the stage where she is totally out of it, can't swallow, etc. Thank you for listening. Delarbar |
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DB, it is so good that your Mom is feeling better. Yes, this is something that I cannot get through to some of the family members, that these dementia episodes usually have a health concern behind them. We've been going through the same type of things.
I think the picture frame is an awesome idea! It's good to see you coming back! |
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delarbar, It is great to hear that your Mother is doing so much better. It is amazing what infections to with our elders. the ALF really sounds like they have good people on your side.
Thanks for sharing this great report. * the crystal ball (*) is in the shop>>>> |
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Update on mom... the antibiodics must have kicked in. The last two days she is back to where she was a momth or so ago. She still has the confusion, but nothing like it was.
She goes to the doctor again this Friday. Cough is gone and she is breathing much better. I think the UTI infection must be gone as well because she is not complaining about going to the bathroom as much as she was. I am so thankful I have found this site. It is so helpful to read everyone's postings. Just knowing I'm not alone is a tremendous help. I cannot believe how an infection can cause such confusion. I have learned so much this past week. The ALF suggested I put together a photo album with current family pictures and pictures of mom's family who have passed. We got her one of the new photo frames and put it on her dresser. It has brought back so many memories for her and she is happy to talk about her life as she was growing up. A great way for her to remember. Thank you again and I'll keep you posted. Barb |
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delarbar, hello and welcome, The problems she is having are two they they look for when their is a sudden change in behavior.When a UTI remains for too long of a time it may mean the antibiotic is not working.What an see what happens once the physical problems have gone away.
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Hugs to you, Barb! I'm glad that you are feeling a little better and that you, the ALF, and Mom's doc are all working so well together. That is such a tremendous help!
How did I miss that she also had an upper respiratiry infection!? Hopefully the antibiotices are taking care of this, as well as the UTI. But you mentioning the URI reminded me that reduced blood oxygen can also sometimes be a problem, especially when you see a sudden dramatic change in cognition and emotion. I'm sure her doc will have checked on that, though.
I'm so glad for you.  It seems like you have a good and caring doctor, Barb. Try to make time to pamper yourself here and there during the day. Something as simple as a warm, unrushed, bath can make such a difference in your day!My best to you and your mom maria _________________________________________________________________ "For us, there is only the trying. The rest is not our business." ~~~T.S. Eliot |
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Just wanted to thank you and give an update. They are finding that mom still has a UTI and upper respirtory infection. The have her back on antibiodics which have helped.
The hardest part is having her telling us that she is going 'nuts'and can't remember anything. The ALF has been wonderful to both her and our family. I don't think we could get through this without them. After advice from some of you, I have asked the doctor to run additional tests and he has agreed. He is uping her Aricept on Monday after he visits with her and he thinks that will at least calm her. She is not feeling as frustrated because the ALF has her being activity in programs. Just got off the phone with her and she is laughing and telling stories. I can't thank you enough for your support. I was feeling so low the first day I posted. I have never had such negative feelings and was scaring myself. I've talked to the doctor as well and he gave me some breathing exercises and some books to read. Not by any means is the situation with mom any better, but I have a new outlook. I'll keep everyone posted and respond to other new members with the hopes of helping them as you have helped me. Barb |
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Welcome, Delarbar! I, too, am glad you found this site. It is a wonderful place, full of wonderful people offering tons of support and understanding. I know the feeling of being the only child while caring for ailing and demented parents. It is often a very lonely, sometimes scarey, place. As much as you can, hang on to those around you who love you. Share your feelings and fears with them and try not to allow yourself to become isolated by the wide-reaching affects of your mom's illness. ...and always know that there is someone here to lean on, to sound off to, or run a few of your thoughts by. The folks here really care! Moms_Buddy gave you some good ideas about getting a geriatric psych workup. And as you mentioned, a geriatrician would be a super person to add to your team! I think I would be asking questions about mini-strokes (or "multiple infarcts"), blood sugar levels (is she diabetic?), thyroid hormone levels, and levels of minerals and vitamins. Often our elders are astonishingly malnourished, without appearing to be. Even when they seem to be eating properly, their bodies do not necessarily assimilate the nutrients they are taking in, and this can lead to serious consequences in their mental and emotional capacities. ...so, it's something to ask about. I'm glad to see that you are trying to educate yourself about your mom's condition, too. As you read here, you will find that there are often many mis-diagnoses before the doc finally arrives at the proper diagnosis. So, knowing what symptoms are expected and in what sequence is very helpful in avoiding such problems. Whatever you do, Dear, please don't allow yourself to feel guilty! You are doing a marvelous job of loving and caring for your mother! None of this is easy. No one has ALL of the answers. We just try our best, we cry sometimes, and then we get back up and try again. And wherever you are, whatever you are going through, there will always be someone here willing to share it with you! Take care, Delarbar! maria This message has been edited. Last edited by: mariabee, _________________________________________________________________ "For us, there is only the trying. The rest is not our business." ~~~T.S. Eliot |
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Welcome Delarbar! Glad you found your way here. First, let me say that I totally understand the heartbreak of seeing your mom "coming unwound." It sux bigtime.  But despite how grief stricken we may feel, our moms need help. They got us this far and sometimes we have to help them along when they can no longer find their own way through.When your mom was in the hospital, did they do any tests to see if she has had any little strokes, etc.? Does she have a neurologist? If she has not had a good, thorough geriatric psych workup, where she is evaluated by a team of folks who test different aspects of her functionality, etc. now might be a good time to ask for one. They'll check her from top to bottom looking at her brain, major organ systems, etc. to see what's going on with her and what they think can improve her quality of life and functionality.
I think most folks feel that way, but none of us get to pick. This IS a cruel group of diseases that cause our loved one's brains to begin melting down. Charging you with getting her out of this miserable deal is a TOUGH duty. The only way you COULD get her out of this would be to enforce the terms of a Living Will and DPOA and refuse all medical treatment for anything. I don't think you are to the point where you have to consider that promise yet... You have nothing to feel guilty about - you did not cause this disease, you did not cause your mother to become old and vulnerable. Stick close to her and comfort her. She is frightened, confused and in need of all the love and support she can get. For us daughters, this is life coming full circle. When one holds her own mother and rocks her and tells her everything is gonna be all right, it's a monumental passage in life. Remember to BREATHE, Delarbar! Take in the renewal and blow out the stress. Remember the Serenity Prayer... You cannot change what is happening to your mom - what you CAN affect is trying to make sure that your mom is well-tended and receives the care that she needs to help her have as much quality to her life as possible. You can love her, spoil her, talk to her about old times or anything at all, sing to her, watch movies with her, and hold her hand. Yep, it sux bigtime, but you are NOT alone and this isn't only happening to you! Nearly every member here has the most extraordinary mother in the world, I assure you.  I know mine is - we were good friends, she and I. We still are only it's different... Sometimes I have a fleeting thought that I'd like to call my mom on the phone and talk with her, only the "mom" I am wanting to call isn't there anymore... Sometimes I write to her... Every now and then, I still get a glimpse of my "Mom" but less and less, and one day, she'll be gone. I was lucky to have her and she was lucky to have me and my sister. Now enough with the sad, wistful stuff... things are as they are. Let's blow our noses, square our shoulders and see if we can find some peace to help carry us through from moment to moment. Just like AA, we do this one day at a time, one hour at a time, one moment at a time. Don't look at the mountain - keep focused on what you need to do for today. Besides your mom, there is LIFE around you that needs your attention as well. This is not the ONLY thing happening, so be SURE to give attention to the other aspects of life from which you draw energy, hope and love. Many blessings to you for your loving care and concern. "She ain't heavy; she's my mother." |
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Dear delarbar,
It is very, very sad to witness our parents decline even under the best circumstances. I remember sobbing when mama became incontinent and I had to use adult diapers. My husband said, "But you knew this was going to happen." Yeah, I knew, but it kills me with every decline. So you see knowing the typical progression of the illness doesn't help at all. It's just plain sad. But you will see, as I did, that somehow we go on and try to carry on with what's at hand and not worry about something that hasn't happened yet. |
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Hi Delabar, I am so glad you have come to us. Under no circumstance should you be feeling guilty for anything. You are only human, I think this is a common reaction when we first see our parents declining. The good thing, she is in a good facility with lots of support and help.
I am so sorry for your Mom, and for your hurting heart! Please come back, we would love to hear from you again! |
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the ALF is telling us that she is welcome until her final days. If things get really bad they have a Reminiscence Area which she would be moved to. They said they will keep her in her current 'apartment' until they feel she is unsafe or until the time come's where she cannot swallow.
Her doc is internal medicine - I'm thinking I should talk with the ALF and get the name's of geriactic doctors. I've read other posts that have suggested the same.
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delabar, it is hard to help you know what to expect. It would seem that some dementia must have been creeping in for the Dr. to have put her on Aricept and for it to have helped for a while.
I can only tell you that any change of environment , any illness, seems to exacerbate dementia. Many are aware of losing their ability to "think straight" for a while. That is so hard. Hugs to you. Some members have kept a "journal" of sorts here in daily challanges Maybe something of the sort will be a help to you. Welcome, Bobcat * the crystal ball (*) is in the shop>>>> |
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Boy do we know these feelings Oh yeah
Welcome in Delabar. There are a few lists of stages out there the problem with them is that while they give a general description to each stage it really is different with each individual. There could be other medical issues with each person that exacerbates the symptoms of Dementia and Alzheimer's Here is the Mayo Clinic: http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/alzheimers-stages/AZ00041 Honey the most important thing here is not to feel guilty your not doing anything wrong if truth be told not one of us here watching our LO's suffer from this horrible disease hasnt thought these things at one time or another when it got bad, you are not the first one to think like this. You are at a loss with the ALF why? Is the Social worker recommending something for your mom like a move? If so this is normal if in fact you mom is getting to the point she needs more assistance than an ALF can give her but honestly right now I would retest her for the UTI if your moms PCP thinks she has one then this could be at the root of the problem right now elderly folks act much different when they get UTI's than younger folk and it often takes a few weeks to clear up and the behavior to get back on track. If thats not the case then you may have to revisit her medications they may need to be changed or the mg's upped. Is this PCP of your moms a Geriatric Doc or just a gen. practitioner? This can make all the difference in the world For now sweetie set back and relax take a few deep breaths ********************************************** Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit. |
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I forgot to mention she has been on Aricept since August 2007. They said they may slow the progression of AZ and I think it did.
This all seem's be progressing so quickly since she has been sick with the cold/cough and in the hospital. I'll keep reading.... thank you for the support. |
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ElderCare Online The ElderCare Forum The ElderCare Forum New Caregiver's Meeting Room Newcomer - in need of support
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