Traci, sweetie, you are dealing with so much physical and emotional stress.
Sweetie, you are trying to hard.You have to set boundries on the demands you make on your self.Step back and think about the demands and you will see you are going beyond what can be expected of you.Allow her to ask what she wants but you do what you know is important to her care.
I never dealt with all you are dealing with.I could never have dealt with so much.
One thing you have to know is you cannot make her appreciate you.I would say her reason for behaving the way she does is because you are the one, in her eyes, who stole her sons heart.Some cannot accept there is another women that shares their love.
You know what you do for her, your hubby knows as well as anyone who knows you.
Get that self confidence witin you.To hear she tells others all that you do leads me to know she really does know how wonderful you are.
When alone she is going to make sure she is the center of attention.But who knows her reasoning.If she has always behaved this way she will not change at this stage.You change the way you deal with her behavior.
The yellow coloring you see maybe liver failure.
I am surprised they have not wanted to do a stool sample to see what maybe causeing the bowel problems.The bloating can be caused by a number of reasons.I would avoid soups at this time.Something light they will not feed the runs,
You know there comes a time when she proves she is not capable of thinking for herself.
To me it sounds as though hospice needs to be there.They have palliative care that will benefit her and all of you.They have a way of giving her meds that she will not have to swallow or be aware.
Our elders get to a stage where they get stubborn out of fear etc.Her son is going to insist she allow aides to come in and bathe her.They can do other things to make the day easier for all concerned.They have people who will come in to allow you to get out of the house.
My loved ones gave me difficult times but they had dementia.Nothing as you are dealing with.
Be careful as this will take a tole on you .
When she gives you a difficult time try to just humor her but tell her you are doing what needs to be done to make her more compfortable.Tell her it is done with love and concern.Try to diffuse her moods.All you can do is try but set boundries for your self.

Thank you all for your concern. I have not meant to be hard to get along with or self pitying. I guess I just feel misunderstood, and no amount of explaining seems to convey the intent of my feelings. I do not have anyone else to talk to, and I do mean no one. I feel so defeated in trying to do the right thing and in being good to her. So I am going to spill my guts once more in an attempt to get it all out, and then be done with it.
In the latest episode I mentioned, the diarrhea, she was unable to even get up out of the bed to go to the bathroom. She was going everytime she moved. When it got down to the time that she needed to be cleaned up, I went in to do it. I didn't want my husband to have to do that. Again, it is only the two of us to care for her. We don't have anyone else helping out, another reason for the stress and anxiety I have. She didn't want me to do it, and asked for him, but he didn't want to do it either, and I understand that. Not many men would be comfortable cleaning their mother's most intimate areas. So I explained to her that I would rather do it, and not have him do it and why, and she finally agreed to let me. She was upset with me, and I was just trying to help them both. This is the position I find myself in most of the time, and a great source of frustration for me.
I couldn't begin to explain the situation and do it justice, but here's another example. I have tried so hard to be good to her, to help her, and make this as easy as possible for my husband. Yet she is so horrible to me. She would rather talk to anyone but me. And she is very blatant with it. my husband sees this, as well as my family. It has always been that way. She is so nice, kind and caring to her friends, and has always put more emphasis on her relationship with them, than with her son, me or the grandkids. She will talk about me to them, or to me in front of them, always bragging about what I do, our house, cooking, etc. and then when no one is around, make the most horrible and cruel comments there are.
I have a job, that requires working at night, and I knew when she came home from the hospital, there would be no way to do it, and care for her all day, so I went to my boss, and we worked it out for me to have a sub every night but Sat. I have to work all night on Sat. and get home in time to get my children ready for church. I stay home with her. So last weeks post about her inviting her friends over when we had the chance to get out came to pass. We had to cancel our plans, and had no choice. Her friends came over Sunday afternoon. I worked, and then came home, got the kids ready,and spent all morning and afternoon cleaning the house and cooking for her friends visit. I had to clean because she always wants her friends to see all the rooms in our house even the closets, when I've repeatedly told her how uncomfortable that makes me. I don't mind them seeing the house, but looking in closets and cabinets is beyond what I think is necessary, yet she always does this. So I got her up, bathed her, curled her hair, dressed her, and fed her, and helped her get ready for their visit. She wouldn't speak one word to me the entire time. She sat in the chair while I cleaned and cooked. Still nothing, despite attempts by me to talk with her. So I cleaned and finally got done about 30 minutes before they arrived, and tried to clean myself up. They arrived, and she talked about me to them as usual, but never spoke to me the entire visit, and when I talked to them, she would act like it made her mad. So I politely listened, and tried to make the best of it. As soon as they were gone, she started having stomach problems again, and we had to clean her up, and help her the rest of the night. She still said nothing. This has gone on for almost the entire week, and my husband asked her about it, and she denies it. Just like always.
He had plans this week to go to quartet practice, and she wasn't aware of it. So after he left I asked if she was hungry and she said she would wait until he came back. So I told her that he had practice and it would be 10 pm or later before he was home, that if she was hungry I would b glad to fix her something, if she would tell me what she would like to eat. She said" I don't want you fixing anything for me and I'll wait until Lynn comes home so he can do it." So I did fire back at her, and probably shouldn't have, and told her"You know, I can help you just like he can if you will just let me. I am trying to do all I can for you, and make it easier on him too."
An hour later she did finally say she'd eat soup, but that was all she's had to say in days.
I really don't know what to do with this, or the way it makes me feel. I have never tried so hard to be good to someone and help them, and then be treated this way. I try to overlook it, and go one with what has to be done, but I can't say that I can always put the hurt aside.
This is just a minor example again, but a glimpse of what it is like for me day to day.
The hospice nurse has been coming, but says she seems to be holding her on. The issue with this is that she lies to the nurse contiuously. She lies about how much she eats, sleeps, her symptoms, and even about what I "cause" her to do. She told her last week, that I left her in the bed 18 hrs, which was totally untrue. She went to bed at 9:30 the night before and was up sick all night going to the bathroom. I checked on her every hour and my husband did too. We were up with her for the bathroom at 8 am, and aksed if she was ready to get up,and she said no, that she was still very tired from being up all night going to the bathroom. So we told her just to rest and when she was ready to get up to call us. She went right to sleep, slept 2 hrs. then had to go to the bathroom again. Again we asked if she wanted to stay up and she said no, she was too sleepy, laid down and went right back to sleep. She slept until 12:30, and had to go again, and that time she said she was ready to get up. She was up 2 hours before the nurse came, and then told her that I left her in there 18 hrs. I told the nurse it wasn't that long, and talked with her about the night before being sick and up and down.
I realize she may not always be thinking clearly, but she is not that unclear. It worries me that they will think I mistreat her in anyway. I would never do that. And why would she say that I do? It just never ceases to amaze me.
I realize that in many ways she is in denial about her sickness, perhaps that is why she can't admit to any pain, or other symptoms. So she isn't on any meds, with the exception of immodium the few times she has had to take it. The nurse has told her they can give her medication to make her rest better, to make her comfortable, but she refuses it. She hasn't told any of her friends the truth about her condition, nor her pastor. I feel sorry for her in that I couldn't do that either, but I don't think I could lie and tell them I'm doing better, hope to go home soon, and deceive them. I guess its just easier for her to do that than admit the truth. But it does cause problems when they question my husband, and he tells them the truth, and they get mad at us for not letting everyone know she is that sick. We haven't told out of respect for her wishes, but we haven't outright lied to cover it up either. What do you do?
Physically, she is weaker. When she doesn't have a problem with diarrhea, she doesn't go to the bathroom more than 2-3 times a day. She is sleeping all but about 8 hrs. a day, and still sleeping in the chair part of that time. She is eating very little and has finally said she does not want anything. Her hands and arms are looking blue, and her face and stomach look swelled. She also has a yellow cast to her skin. Her blood pressure is fluctuating, the highest was Thursday, 168/106 when the nurse was here. That prompted the nurse to offer a medicine to help her relax, but she refused it. Her heart rate stays high 99-130, and is that way day and night, and indication of how hard it is working the nurse says. This is where she is physically right now.
I apologize for getting "my feathers ruffled", but that came at the same time all of the above mentioned was going on,and I just couldn't handle anymore. I do appreciate the concern and support you've given, its the only support I get, and it often makes this all bareable. Thanks for listening, and I still hope you all can see that I am trying.
Have a good weekend,
Traci

quote:

Originally posted by Traci:
I am having a really hard time knowing what to do, and to have anyone add to all the second guessing i do about my choices already is more than I can handle right now. I have needed an outlet to let my feelings be known, and now I don't feel comfortable doing it.

Dear Traci,
I hope you come back. When you are ready.


*

Just on the chance Traci is reading this it dawned on me late last night that I think I know the reason Traci misunderstood my post.
A lot of the time many members here shorten each others screen names for ease when typing Bunnys_grl/BG, Moms Buddy/MB, Bobcat/BC so on and so forth this is one of the reasons we ask not to jump to conclusions and to reread a post to make sure of its intent when you feel discomfort at a members posting.
Traci we never once criticized you before my post so why would you believe I would be criticizing you then? It was simply a question.
There was no mistake made here so lets just chalk this up to a bad day and get back to our purpose, helping one another through tough times
Amen MB...oopps Moms Buddy

Traci honey, what everyone is saying is true. They have all helped me through many hard times, if I had not had this wonderful bunch of people, and been gifted with their wealth of knoweldge, I don't know how I would have weathered my storm. Let me say this, you can make it through this and you will.

I feel that right now there is so much on your shoulders, try to take a deep breathe honey, you have to take care of yourself also!

quote:

Originally posted by Traci:
I don't know what else to say to explain the giving of immodium to her. It was given after upwards of 12 episodes of diarrhea to the point there was nothing but water, and pain from going. I was directed to do this, so I did. It helped. She did not have drowsiness in the times prior, she does not get it everyday or even every other day, and only when deemed necessary by the dr.
Thank you for your concern, and sorry to have caused such an uproar.
I must say it is upsetting to feel as if I need to defend myself in doing what I am told to do. I'm sure some of you don't mean it that way, but I am so tired of feeling like I'm on the judgement seat. I am having a really hard time knowing what to do, and to have anyone add to all the second guessing i do about my choices already is more than I can handle right now. I have needed an outlet to let my feelings be known, and now I don't feel comfortable doing it. If you could see the situation i'm in you might understand, and what I've told you here is just the tip of the iceberg for me. There is no way you can know the depth of pain, discouragement, and self doubt I feel, and I was just hoping I wouldn't have to feel that way here too.

Traci I am sorry the forum service was interrupted during your time of need.

I want to make crystal clear to you that NO ONE was criticizing you in any way, shape nor form. You are wrong to believe that we do not know the depth of the feelings and self-doubt you feel. I have been caring for my mom, bedridden, for over 5 years now. I cannot tell you how MANY times I have hugged my knees to me in the bathtub and wailed like an orphaned calf because I felt so inadequate to the task at hand. It STILL happens because each day brings new challenges, new questions, new uncertainties.

Along the road, we have learned to QUESTION things - doctor's opinions, therapies, orders, nurses - because there IS no ONE right way, because medical practitioners are HUMANS and subject to the same blind spots, manipulations, superstitions and downright bull as any of their fellow human beings. If you read this forum and posts, you will find many, many times, it is the questioning of something tin one another's circumstance that HELPS. That's WHY we SHARE these ideas - because our goal is to help.

We worried about you during the time the forum was out of service - does that sound like people who enjoy kicking folks when they are down? Now, smoothe your ruffled feathers and remember that we are not the enemy here - we stand ready to help you, to do research, to help answer questions and all the other functions you see going on here at ECO.

I hope that your MIL is feeling better and that you are feeling stronger also. Please let us hear from you when you have a moment.

Thank you Dochka
I just wanted to assure Traci *please be out there Traci* You did not cause an uproar not at all again I am being misunderstood it happens all the time for some reason....Please reread my post I just did twice it was not directed to you and I apologize if thats what you think
I asked MB since she is very knowledgeable in this area about repercussions to this medication I agree your MIL's issue is dire and she does need to take this medication to prevent dehydration but what I was asking from MB was not meant for your situation persay I was just curious if there would be complications to the type of bowel movement (whether or not it was toxic to the system) now do you understand what I meant?
Your doing exactly what you were told to do there is no misunderstanding there.
And sweetie we do know what you are going through the members all together here have and continue to deal with these issues of eldercare some of us have 10 or more years of experience with this but sometimes a question arises that we dont have an answer for and will ask, same as any medical professional out there, they either open a book or ask another colleague

Traci, we are all learning here, and share feed back from many sources. Your situation is very stressful and following the doctors instructions is the best you can do sometimes. Many of us have found that the doctors need our help to choose the right thing at the right time, because we are the ones who deal with the results, and our loved ones suffer the consequences.

So we share our experience and knowledge, that really is why we have been meeting here. Please don't take it as criticism. Many of us have had our Patient suffer from a shoot from the hip approach by a doctor, who is often overwhelmed with a work load. So if one of us reports something that sets off an alarm for another member, that member will jump in and point out an experience or warning.

We count on each other to watch our backs, and sometimes to provide a reality check, or snap us out of a pity party... We all need that sort of help. And we all need a reminder to take a deep breath.

Breathe Traci, your report presented an opportunity, for a discussion of an important issue, and everyone reading here will be better informed, especially me. We all usually end up doing what the doctor says, but we often make pests of ourselves with questions. That is what it is to be an advocate for our LO.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Bobcat,

quote:

Originally posted by Traci:
I don't know what else to say to explain the giving of immodium to her. It was given after upwards of 12 episodes of diarrhea to the point there was nothing but water, and pain from going. I was directed to do this, so I did. It helped. She did not have drowsiness in the times prior, she does not get it everyday or even every other day, and only when deemed necessary by the dr.
Thank you for your concern, and sorry to have caused such an uproar.
I must say it is upsetting to feel as if I need to defend myself in doing what I am told to do. I'm sure some of you don't mean it that way, but I am so tired of feeling like I'm on the judgement seat. I am having a really hard time knowing what to do, and to have anyone add to all the second guessing i do about my choices already is more than I can handle right now. I have needed an outlet to let my feelings be known, and now I don't feel comfortable doing it. If you could see the situation i'm in you might understand, and what I've told you here is just the tip of the iceberg for me. There is no way you can know the depth of pain, discouragement, and self doubt I feel, and I was just hoping I wouldn't have to feel that way here too.

I'm absolutely certain that the intent wasn't criticism but just talking out some thoughts on the general subject (not your specific situation). We do tend to follow rabbit trails in here. (smiling)

If she was passing water and in danger of getting dehydrated, you BET she needed something to get that stopped ASAP. That immodium does work.

Now, some folks think that they need medication every time they pass one or two loose stools. In that type of circumstance, it isn't technically diarrhea. What your MIL had WAS and needed to be treated. They can get dangerously dehydrated in mere hours, and suffer kidney and other damage.

In other words, you did good. If the doctor recommended something, I might ask questions about it, but in the end I would sure follow his directions. He's been to med school; I haven't. Plus there's the issue that we're daughters-in-law ... you know what I mean.

I don't know what else to say to explain the giving of immodium to her. It was given after upwards of 12 episodes of diarrhea to the point there was nothing but water, and pain from going. I was directed to do this, so I did. It helped. She did not have drowsiness in the times prior, she does not get it everyday or even every other day, and only when deemed necessary by the dr.
Thank you for your concern, and sorry to have caused such an uproar.
I must say it is upsetting to feel as if I need to defend myself in doing what I am told to do. I'm sure some of you don't mean it that way, but I am so tired of feeling like I'm on the judgement seat. I am having a really hard time knowing what to do, and to have anyone add to all the second guessing i do about my choices already is more than I can handle right now. I have needed an outlet to let my feelings be known, and now I don't feel comfortable doing it. If you could see the situation i'm in you might understand, and what I've told you here is just the tip of the iceberg for me. There is no way you can know the depth of pain, discouragement, and self doubt I feel, and I was just hoping I wouldn't have to feel that way here too.

This is what I dont get MB so iffin you could please explain this thinking to me/us if there is anyone else out there thinking the same way as I am....
Traci please dont get offended or hurt this is about learning (thats what this forum is meant for)so dont take it personal sweetie Im not trying to be callous
MB I dont get the thought simply because as pointed out earlier this is bloody stool which means the system is in essence breaking down correct? So why would you want to stop the body from excreting this type of waste whether its in the form of diarrhea or not? Wouldnt it become more of a toxin in the body potentially causing greater harm than dehydration?
If there is diarrhea (and Iv been on Immodium for M revenge traveling outside the country) that stuff works the first time on me if its not doing its job then why use it? And before I hear it what I mean by that is if this person is not hydrating properly and you stop her up with Immodium then shes at greater risk for bowel problems/obstruction (albeit at this point a slighter chance than normal)
S'plain please if you have a moment

How is your MIL feeling today, Traci? Does she seem clearer, etc.? The reason I asked about the immodium is that it is so commonly used today for diarrhea and it really is not THAT innocuous! I have seen in my own family and experienced myself the effects of administering it inappropriately (inconvenient diarrhea from eating something that irritates the small intestine or from an intestinal bug).

Doctors are not immune to the same line of thinking as is expressed in the immodium commercials on TV. I do not know if in your MIL's case it had a deleterious effect, but keep this in the back of your mind for future reference. If you see this response again after administering it (or if you have seen a similar effect before), you might want to withhold it or choose another, milder antidiarrheal medication. If the immodium seems to be causing a backslide, you could try kaopectate to work on diarrhea from an entirely different direction. Kao fundamentally thickens the stool with pectin and clay. No magic chemistry there! Cheese might do as well!

The side effects of imodium are:
"Side effects can include drowsiness, constipation, abdominal pain or discomfort, dry mouth, fatigue, and in rare cases toxic megacolon, mild euphoria and mild stimulation (at high doses).
Contraindications

Treatment should be avoided in the presence of fever or if the stool is bloody. Treatment is not recommended for patients who could suffer detrimental effects from rebound constipation. If there is a suspicion of diarrhea associated with organisms that can penetrate the intestinal walls, such as E. coli O157:H7 or salmonella, loperamide is contraindicated."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Loperamide

Hope she's feeling better today!

We were told by the dr. to give immodium as needed. She has only had it 3 times in two weeks, each at his direction to stop prolonged periods of diarrhea.

quote:

we gave her immodium

Has she been taking immodium for the diarrhea, or was this a new thing? Immodium can really cause problems with folks. In her case, I am not sure if its use is appropriate or not...

If she has not been taking it, discontinue its use. If she has been taking it, she may have just been feeling clapped out from the previous day's activities. People DO have ups and downs. It isn't often that folks are fine one day and go to sleep and not awaken. It's usually up and back for a while... If she hasn't awakened, go in and check on her at a normal time and assess her condition. If she is responsive, but tired, give her some fluids and let her go back to sleep. Being old is hard work and our elders need a LOT more sleep than people (especially them) realize.

I hope she feels better in the morning.

***Everyone: Do NOT take immodium, if you have a GI bug! It prevents your body from getting rid of toxins produced by the bug). Kaopectate is much kinder to the system (fine kaolin clay and pectin) and can be taken safely if diarrhea persists more than a couple of days***

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Moms_Buddy,

Traci, in my situation with my Dad, I was absolutely prepared for him to go tomorrow. I was never prepared for him to go today. That is how it happens. You, your H, and your kids are waiting for tomorrow. It could still be months, but at some point, it will be today, done...

Hang in Sweetheart.... Don't read too much into a day or a series of days. They can take you on a roller coaster ride. Still, when the day comes, when the moment comes, it will be a shock. Bless you baby for being there for your H's Mother. I hope you have good days with her.

Things are changing...
My MIL had a good visit with her friends yesterday, but a bad day with her stomach problems. She had constant diarrhea from the time they left until bedtime. So we gave her immodium and some Tylenol to help her feel better. She went to bed at 9 pm. We were exhausted also, so everybody went to bed. Then at 6:30 this morning when the clock went off, we both panicked because we realized she hadnt been up all night. This has never happened, she is always up at least 2x. So we ran in there to check on her and she was just sleeping. She usually wakes up when the kids go to school, but she didn't. SO we waited and wondered what was going on. She finally woke up at 10 am. Had to go to the bathroom, voice was a little weaker, and didn't want to get up. So she laid back down. At 12:30 we went in and asked if she was hungry, or ready to get up, and again, she didn't want to. She didn't get up until 2:20 today, just 10 minutes before the kids got home from school. She didn't want to get dressed either. All of this is totally opposite of normal for her. She stayed in the living room and talked on the phone some, at half of a sandwich, fell asleep sitting up several times, and wanted to go back to bed at 9pm. The only other thing different is that she normally goes to the bathroom at least 5-6 times as a minimum a day, and only went 2 times today. When she got up, and before she went back to bed. She hasn't been up at all since she went to bed.
The hospice people have told us that sleeping increases as they get closer to the end, but I guess we expected it to happen gradually, if that's what is happening. We've tried to reason that it might be that she was just over tired from company, but she's had much longer days in the last week that haven't affected her that way. So something is different, and I can't help but wonder what's going on.
My husband was here today when this was going on, and at first it scared him when he realized she hadn't been up, and then he told me, he had prayed that when it was her time she would go peacefully in her sleep, so he wasn't afraid anymore. I am thankful he has made peace with the situation, and I pray God's peace will be with him and give him the strength to go thru this, whatever happens next. Your prayers are appreciated!

And I have locked it. It stands alone, if some one wants to print it for later, they won't need to clean up many pages of answers. I am printing it. Thanks DOCHKA and MB.

I'm glad it helped, Dochka. I pinned the copy you posted in the New Caregivers Room for others to be able to locate it. I know I will need to reread it on a daily basis to remind myOWNself how to balance when things get me down.

Wow, MB, you hit the nail on the head!
And so well said.
Are you me? Are you we?

This represents so well the feelings of the caregiver. I will print it out and cherish these words. Thank you.

(I think this needs a pace of it's own on the board. It would help so many!)