Thank you so much for the candle... it was so nice of you. Any ray of light is appreciated right now. She is still hanging on, much to the surprise of the Hospice nurses. She hasn't had anything to eat in 12 days, and only small sips of water to take meds and wet her mouth. She isn't really in a coma either, she can be somewhat responsive, but it takes a lot of effort. She doesn't seem to be very aware of what is happening. The nurse did say that her kidneys and bladder were breaking down, due to the residue in the catheter, and her blood pressure is running 140/40. Don't really understand the big 100 pt. difference. She is also having Cheyne- Stokes breathing patterns, and has gotten down to 2-3 breaths and then nothing up to a minute. Today she wouldn't let me do the mouth care on her, she wouldn't open her mouth, so her tongue is getting really dry, but I'll keep trying. She is very, very restless, even with the Ativan. That's really hard to watch, but we are doing all we can to keep her comfortable. My husband and I are doing all we can to care for her, and are getting very little sleep. I realize this is part of it, but its also hard on us to keep everything going, with the kids and caring for her too. Your prayers are very much appreciated, and thank you for all the support you've given us thru this time. Thank you and May God bless you all...

That is beautiful MB Thank you

I was recently turned on to this site, so I lit a candle for Traci & family. Y'all can light one, too. They last for 48 hous, then you click on one that has gone out to light another...
The group initial is ECO
http://www.gratefulness.org/candles/candles.cfm?l=eng&gi=ECO

Traci, never ever would we come down on you for the feelings you are experiencing.

BG is right, compassion for the suffering. Anyone who has been through this understands what you are feeling right now, I have.

Don't you be hard on yourself for feeling this way.

Traci,
I really feel for you. My Father had some of the same issues. The doctors wouldn't really tell me anything. He went from rehab to a hospice. It was tragic. I hope for the best for you and your family.
Loriann

Traci, no one judges you for being honest,
When my husband was under hospice for 10 days I wanted him to stay with me.I held on to hope .But I began to realize I was not thinking about his wants.
I told the social worker that the waiting is just as hard as the dying.Each day brings more sorrow and tears.To have hope and then it fails.
I knew my husbands wishes and they were to be granted.But my heart did not want to see him leave me.
Each day I walked into his room with the fear of seeing he had passed.My heart would pound like a drum.When I saw his was still with me, I got a felling of relief.
Selfish, you bet.I soon knew I and others had no control over his passing.His body was on control.He showed us how stong he was before passing.
I was not by his side when he took his last breath.In away I am glad.I want to know that he went in peace and he knew we were there for him and loved him.
The emotions that followed were much like the ones we experienced each day as we sat by his bed.We could no longer fix what was wrong.His destiny was out of our hands.The fear of the unknown takes over .
He had shown us his strength and courage for so long.The strength was gone.The courage could never be taken.
The day he passed was my father in laws birthday.I knew he was going to meet the father he had adored and missed so much.
You will see suttle improvements.Cling to the good days and allow them to carry you through the bad.Death to the afflicted comes all too soon.Cherishs the moments you have to touch them , and be able to share special memories with them.They may not understand but they do feel your touch and the softness of your voice.
When the body decides, we loose those we love.

quote:

I don't know how to express what I'm feeling, so please don't come down too hard on me, i just wish the Lord would free her from her suffering and give her the ultimate healing that comes from going home to be with Him.

We would never come down on you for that thought sweetheart...never.
It may not set well with some out there to hear something like that but other care givers DO understand....I have prayed for that peace myself at times its not a sin, it is compassion for the suffering, that is all.

Your all in my thought...(((HUGS)))

There are no words to describe how gut wrenching the last couple of days have been. We have been up and down, and back again. She is still declining slowly, she'll get worse and then get a little better, its a give and take hour to hour. She has talked or mumbled about going to church continually the few times she comes around. We have tried agreeing with her, explaining she can't go, and nothing seemed to put her at peace. The nurses advised us to talk with her about why she couldn't go, like by telling her she's just too weak, has a catheter, and so on, and it doesn't seem to sink in. So tonight, she continued with it, pulling at the catheter, her covers, gown, and we tried to explain to her she needed to just rest and why again. And for a few minutes she seemed to have some clarity, she could repeat back what we were saying, enough to say, you're kidding me, which is something she used to say all the time when you told her something she was really shocked about. Then we told her while we knew she was understanding us what a good mother she was, what a wonderful man she raised, how all her work in the church was being continued by the ladies she trained, how her pastor had come to see her since she was unable to go to church, how loved and appreciated she was, that we weren't going to leave her, and were doing all we could to care for her. She cried, and bless his heart, my husband told her how much he loved her, and how she didn't have to fight anymore, that when Jesus came for her, it was okay to go, she didnt' have to struggle anymore. She cried, and told him she loved him. We played her favorite music, and she finally drifted back off to sleep. We thought maybe that was what she needed to let go and be at peace. It was definitely emotionally draining for us. Then in 30 minutes she started again about going to church. I realize she doesn't know what's happening, and that reasoning with her isn't going to accomplish much, but my husband's heart is just so tender right now, this just seems to tear him up. He is trying so hard, but truthfully, i think he's just exhausted by the whole process. We've been up day and night for 2 weeks now. There's never more than 2 hrs. sleep here and there, but we are dealing with that the best we can. The hospice nurses say she is weaker and won't pull out of this, its just slow. I don't know how to express what I'm feeling, so please don't come down too hard on me, i just wish the Lord would free her from her suffering and give her the ultimate healing that comes from going home to be with Him. I love her and hate to see her like this, and I hate for my husband to hurt like this. I know its part of life and all the pat answers that are always given in a situation like this, I just needed to vent. I know its in the Lord's hands. Just please pray.
Also, my parents, the only other family we have, are staying day and night with my grandmother as well, she's no better than my mother in law, only her mind is still sharp. She isn't eating, and the main discomfort she has is that she is shaking all the time. The nurses and dr's don't have any idea what is causing it. They have her on an anxiety medicine, and pain meds for the back and hip pain, which they finally said was coming from her disks in her back are compressed on each other and that's why she's in pain. She hasn't been taking the pain meds because it makes the shaking worse. It's all over shaking. She will try to hold on to the rails of her bed to make herself stop and it does nothing. Do any of you have any ideas or had anyone experience anything like this? She is so miserable. I went to see her for 10 minutes yesterday, it was her 67th anniversary, and I asked her how she was and she said , i don't even know any more. Broke my heart. She has never been one to complain or be depressed. So our family is really struggling right now. Please remember us, and me. I'm trying to hold it together, but it really is tough. Thanks for listening.

Traci, this is going to sound kind of funny, but sometimes it works.
Even though you've all talked about it, and you all know it's time, Mom might be waiting to hear that you are all OK with her leaving. She needs your permission, you might say.
So, tell her it's all right (God will forgive this lie!), she'll feel much better. She's been talking with those who went before her. If you know a name or two, tell her that they're waiting, and they'll take very good care of her. I know, it's a very hard thing to do, but you are sending her to Someone who will take much better care of her than anyone here can.
My friends, all of you and your loved ones are in my prayers.

Traci, sweetie, how are the girls doing?
Ah yes, the limbo rollercoaster. Some of us have a long introduction, not that we get used to it. When it's time, it will happen, like you said.

My Grandpa talked to people who were already gone for a while before he passed away. I was young but it struck me as significant that the people he talked to who were not in the room were dead. He only talked to the living if they were present. Somehow, I can't write it off as hallucination. He also talked about going to church, being late,,,,,

Not only do I hear you when you say that you have faith in God, I think that God has faith in you to trust you with this passage of life. You have brought 2 in and you are seeing this one out. I know it may not feel like a blessing, and a trust, but you must be special.

Traci,

Thinking of you and your loved ones, many prayers right now, and huge huge hugs!

I know it must feel to y'all like you are on a different sort of time these days... Sometimes it all runs together and yet the moments seem to have so much space between them, it feels like forever. Watching and waiting must surely be the most difficult tasks in life! Rest assured that we're all hanging with you, Traci.

Many blessings to all of your for your loving care.

Praying for mercy...

Well, its day 12 at my MIL's bedside. We have been on a roller coaster ride. One day she isn't doing to well, they tell us anytime now, and then she'll pull out of it and do better for a day or two and then down again. Needless to say our emotions are shot, and physically we are exhausted.
She hasn't left the bed in over 10 days now, with the exception of being lifted onto the potty chair next to her bed. As of today we could no longer do that either, and a catheter was inserted. She didn't seem to be able to empty her bladder and was in discomfort so the hospice nurse put a catheter in. She got over 1/2 of a bag full immediately. We stayed up all night the last 3 nights changing diapers. She would have a BM in a diaper but not urinate.??? So all night Sunday and Monday she had diarrhea non stop. Don't know why, she hasn't been able to eat since Saturday. Now she can't swallow, she gets choked on teaspoons of water given at her request. As of today we are going to have to stop that too and use the mouth swabs. We've had to crush her medicine and put it in her cheek to be absorbed. She has been hallucinating, talking to friends who aren't here, going to church, worrying about us getting her ready to go to church, and being late for church. I'm sure there is some symbolism in those statements. She was unresponsive Monday night and Tuesday morning, and they thought she was in a coma but by Tuesday night, she came back around and started mumbling again. All she's had to say to the nurses is that she's going to start eating better and do her exercises so she can get better. Then she goes right back to sleep. She is also having periods of apnea that started in the last couple of days, she will go 30 seconds without breathing, then take a deep breath and then start breathing shallow breaths again. the nurse has also said there is mottling on the soles of her feet, but that is the only place they have mentioned. Sometimes she knows who we are, and other times she has no idea. That's really hard on my husband and the kids. She's been like this for over a week. It's amazing that her body is still holding on. Without food and no more than a few sips of water, it's amazing she is still here to me. She looks so bad and its so hard to see her like this, but all we can do is be with her and wait. Which seems to be the hardest part to deal with now. We love her and don't want her to suffer. It will be hard to see her go, but at this point she would be so much happier and better off to be at home with the Lord. I know His timing is perfect, so we are just trusting Him and taking it a day at a time. Your continued prayers are appreciated. Thanks for listening...

Traci, you are in our thoughts!!!!!!

Your in my prayers hon. All you can do is make her as comfortable as you can, and tell her how much you love her.

I think of you every day Traci, your family is going through so much.

Your family is in my prayers honey.

Time seems to have stood still in our home this week. My mother in law has been in her bed all week, she is not really in a coma, but not really functioning either. She has eaten twice all week, that's it, and only a few bites then. She has been having chest pain periodically, but is
restless, even in her sleep. We tried to get her up and move her to see if that would help, but she is so limp that she couldn't sit up or even recline, and she just seems more comfortable in her bed. So we move her every 1-2 hrs, and do all that we can to keep her comfortable. The hospice nurse told us today that her heart is still out of rhythm, blood pressure is still sky high, 174/127, and 135/95 was the lowest. Her lungs are diminished, and she is just so drowsy she can't stay awake to talk with the nurse anymore. The nurse told us again today, she is definintely getting weaker everyday, and is on her way out of this world, just at a slow pace. It's hard to watch, but we are doing all we can to keep her comfortable and care for her. She doesn't really seem aware that we are even here, that's something we aren't used to either, but we're here and trying to do our best for her. That's all we know to do.
My family really needs your prayers, my grandmother has rapidly declined since coming home from the hospital, and it is really strange, but so many of the exact same things that happened with my mother in law are now happening with my grandmother. She is now bedbound, not eating and the home health care nurse talked with my parents yesterday about calling in hospice for her. It's so hard to see her that way too, her mind is still very much in tact and she is mourning the loss of her independence and really seems upset to be in the position she's in. My heart just breaks for her, she never wanted to be like she is now. So we are just trying to love her and care for her as well. I hate not being able to be there with her, but I can't be, and she knows why. She just has such a special place in my heart, and I am going to miss her terribly. My mom is the only daughter in law in that situation too, but my grandmother has loved her like a daughter the entire time she and my daddy have been married. Mom is doing everything for her, as I am here, so our backup system is not in place for either situation. SO your prayers that God will give us all strength and grace to deal with these cirumstances are appreciated. Thanks for listening...