Hi again. A few days ago I posted the following (I hope my link works ):

http://eldercare.infopop.cc/eve/forums/a/tpc/f/2026095151/m/3861056661/r/3251007571#3251007571

...and I just wanted to come back to thank you all again for the help in posting and the warm welcomes.

It's funny how when I come to read here, I start out with all these things that I'd like to post (vent?) about... but all of you are going through so much that we are dealing with--and even more, that I hardly feel there's much for me to say.

...oops, I need to hurry and see about mom. I'll be back to finish a little later.

Blessings,
mariabee

Moms_buddy, it was so good reading your post.

All that you said about liking the person that you're becoming, and altering your expectations for yourself is very heartening to me.

I really do have these very positive, lucid moments when I realize the tremendous potential for spiritual growth I'm being offered. I'm even able to wrap my mind around it and embrace it...but not for quite long enough, or at least not consistently. hehe--practice makes perfect

Oooo, but then, sometimes I wonder whether I can initiate something new (good for me and general stress relief) that would automatically exclude mom...like taking up jogging For SHAME! I just can't even believe myself when I catch myself thinking in this way!

But really, I do need to do some of these sorts of things. I sorely need some exercise. I'm a creative person (an artist, really) and it would do me worlds of good to set aside some "me" time to write or paint or WHATEVER...just so that I could at least have some satisfaction in having accomplished something, having done it well, and having enjoyed it, too. (what a concept!)

Thanks for all the good ideas and encouragement! Like Steve, I'm having to be careful of the ta-kill-ya trap---hope it's not too late for me to make a good change there. I'm afraid if I ever get a tranquilizer I might just keep drinking my wine anyway (horrors!). ...no, I couldn't possibly do that, could I?

Today I'm going to visit with a family therapist. I'm looking forward to that. I guess it's like coming here...I need a sounding board of sorts. Besides, it does give me one hour when I can just sort of physically melt into a chair and breathe.

So, Moms_Buddy, are you willing to share some of your new pursuits with us? I'd love to know about some of the things you've dreamt of that you're beginning to act on. The very idea is such an inspiration!

Well, thanks again... you guys are just wonderful!

You guys really are the BEST!

Sandmason, that was precious about the bird and the ferret! And you're right inthat it really does remind me of my two-year-olds, too. Hubby and I have had nine children, so I can speak with authority here ...but there really is something more to it than that; something I can't quite put my finger on.

The first thing I noticed was that I felt my privacy had instantly disappeared. Now, that's saying a lot, since with 5 children still at home, I really already thought I had no privacy--- Hahaha, I guess I just didn't have a clue! The next thing I noticed was that I was ROLLING MY EYES (to myself, of course)!...just like a pouty 15-year-old. I was flabbergasted at myself! A 45-year-old woman ROLLING her eyes because of her mother---indeed.

So, it seems, here I am again in a power struggle with my mom. The more things change, the more they remain the same, eh?

The difference is, however, that I must win this one. If I don't, we all lose. When I was young, I just moved out and began my own life. But if I can't get her to co-operate with me, or if I "remove myself" it will be disasterous.

Mom really needs me---emotionally, physically, financially. Yet, she hinders me at every turn. And to top it all off the only two things I seem to be able to accomplish in a day are caring for her clothes (a MAJOR concern of hers) and cooking/serving meals.

I need to be doing so much! My house is a filthy wreck, I'm supposed to be preparing to move, and marketing both of our homes...not to mention the routine business of running a home (bills, cleaning, errands, schooling, etc.) Boy, am I running at the mouth today, or what?

Anyway, of course, last night mom said she wouldn't go to the respite program today and I just don't know how to order my time if she's here. What's worse, is that if she does eventually give in, I may be so exhausted that I might fiddle away the whole time just trying to regroup---ya know?

Does anybody have a routine that has more or less worked when their LO was at this stage? ...like, Monday bills, Tuesday shopping, etc.? I need a schedule of sorts. Something to give me a little structure and help with planning, but not so rigid either ('cause ya just never know what will happen next )

Oh, Sandmason! Please tell me that this stage cannot continue for years... I've got to find a better way, or I'll never make it!

You're absolutely right about "nothing to bring to the party." Poor mom won't even reach for a glass of water if she's standing in the kitchen in front of the cabinets and the sink! She can't turn the TV on or off, find a channel that she likes... nothing. She won't open mail, call anyone, visit with family...

Besides the respite battle, the only thing she ever "decides" is that she doesn't want me to go to sleep, she doesn't like the look of something I've cooked, she needs more ice cream, and everything is too noisy or too cold for her. Planning or even initiating anything have been LONG, LONG gone.

This is another reason I'd like to see her go to the respite program. They do exercises, play games, make friends. I'd like to see mom getting as much out of life as she still can, while she is still able.

Anyway, I guess this brings me around to the other side of that coin which is something I really don't like to think about, but I must admit that I do:

I wonder whether AFTER a person has lost so much of their personality, and they express so much misery regarding the position they find themselves in---is it really the best thing to continue to prolong it with some of these meds that "slow the progression" of the disease? I would never want mom off of her risperdal, because it really keeps her safe and sane (this is a miracle drug for sure!) ...but the namenda and exelon...I wonder if at a certain point it is better to allow a natural progression than to prolong the inevitable. ...please don't think I believe in euthanasia, or anything! ...it's just a question about these particular meds that keeps recurring to me these days. Has anyone else thought along these lines?

Oh my. Well, I've rambled far too long, now! I've been sitting here trying to be quiet, so as not to awaken mom; but I really need to get moving now.

Peace and blessing to everyone.
Mariabee

Mariabee,

It made me remember all of my two year olds when you mentioned your Mom always being there every time you turned around and into the bathroom! I had five two year olds in succession and home schooled at times also. I sure understand what you must be going through! How CAN you do this with younger kids? I couldn't have!

(I have to say this, thinking of being followed to the bathroom. Once we had a VERY beloved cockatiel and a VERY sweet old ferret, and both were very attached to ME, like my kids and Mom and everyone else. Once, when I was alone in the house and had all my kids off somewhere, I emerged from the bathroom and found the cockatiel and the ferret sitting side by side on the carpet gazing up adoringly as I tried to exit the bathroom! They were so wrapped up in their mutual dependancy and adoration they forgot their natural animosity))

My Mom was in that annoying, annoyed, stage for some years. She especially resented the attention I paid to my kids. She kept insinuating that if I was a proper parent I would have no housework to do and could attend to her needs all day and all night. (I should have been making my kids do everything.)

I think when she realized she had nothing left to bring to the party anymore it made her really scared and anxious and worried that there wouldn't be enough of my attention for her as she declined.

Every light we turned on or off bothered Mom, the TV had to go off or on, if we moved a piece of furniture to another room, the daughter's bare feet, scanty clothing, hairdo, all were constant irritants to her a couple of years ago. She never even was able to recall our kids names.

I feel so terrible now realizing that was when she had lost her ability to read, to talk to her friends on the phone, to write a letter to friends, to make ANY plans, to accomplish ANY work, or end her day basking in the accomplishments that we all take for granted because we can REMEMBER what we did today and plan for tomorrow. That really was the very hardest stage. And there was nothing we could do to get through it faster or better.

She is bedridden now and no longer complains about anything except a tender arm. I'm grateful she's now so sanguine. I'm lucky and so is she!

I like Wellbutrin as an antidepressant. I'm menopausal though and it might not suit you as well. ASK! If anyone has a right to ask for antidepressant support it's caregivers of the elderly. Even the doctors of the demented elderly take antidepressants. It's VERY DEPRESSING much of the time, even for the most religious doctors and they would rather not commit suicide. Doctors are happy when a patient can give them a clue that they are suffering from depression from circumstances and are delighted to offer choices that can help. Doctors DEEPLY ADMIRE people who can try to care for their elderly loved ones and they want to help.

They have free samples to try. Wellbutrin helps ME focus on accomplishing something, instead of succumbing to diffuse anxiety and running around in circles getting nothing done. It also helps kick smoking and other budding addictive behaviors. Just think, you can get the bills paid, read a book, or START a long procrastinated project! You can even remember to keep a resolution you might otherwise have spaced out after a day or two. This drug wards off the "undertoad" of menopausal hopelessness for me and helps me get through the day with some sense of satisfaction.

Your Mom might function better on an antidepressant, try that first! She might be able to sit down and watch a video of "Oklahoma" or "South Pacific", or write postcards to old friends, instead of following you around. Sometimes if you can get the anxiety down to a reasonable level, people function better.
sandi

Hi mariabee!! We ALL have similar problems, but it is happening to EACH one of us - let it out!! Doesn't matter how many of us are yelling at once - we have room to lissen to everyone's concerns and frustrations!! So whenever you feel like venting, you just go right ahead!! That's one of the things we are all here for!

Steve, many caregivers go through a lotta changes along with the daily hassles and frustrations... this IS a stressful job and it is not just happening to our loved ones - it's happening to us, too!!
I have found that I must pay a lot of attention to my own stress level - more so than before I started caregiving - because the strssors are varied in their origins and it's ALWAYS SOMETHIN'!! I try to remember to take things one day, hour, minute at a time and easy does it!! Some days I need more "me" time than others and some days it doesn't matter what I need - others needs are greater at that time. I have several coping mechanisms that work well for me. Each person has to find their own particular brand of unwinding that works for them. Doesn't matter WHAT it is so long as it is something that you ENJOY, that relaxes you and breaks the vortex of worries our heads fall into sometimes. When I put mom to bed at night, most nights I stay up a bit and do things that I enjoy. The morning before she awakens is "my time" also. Working outside in my gardens, on art projects, etc. are personally very satisfying and renewing to me as is taking a bath for a couple of hours and knocking off half a novel during my immersion therapy!!
When I began this journey, I KNEW that all this would be a problem (of course, had no idea how profoundly it would affect me) so I thought about how I would care for ME during this time. I knew that my normal ways of unwinding would not work, so I did a lotta soul-searching and decided to pursue some of my own dreams as I went about my daily caregiving. For the most part, it is working pretty well and I find that despite the anziety, etc., I like the person I am becoming. I am coaxing parts of myself to bloom that I did not know existed or had been long neglected. I think part of what makes it work for me is that I did not even try to apply my "normal" rules to this situation. I am less organized in some respects than I was and I find that irritating, but when I look at how I am doing at juggling overall, I think I am doin' a pretty fair job. Sometimes when I feel really overwhelmed, when I LOOK at it, much of the problem lies with my own expectations of myself and not what the situation is actually requiring. It is a slightly different value system, I suppose. Coming here and hearing from others who experience similar feelings helps me a lot - first 'cause I realize I am NOT the Lone Ranger, but second, because it gives me inspiration to look at things a little differently, or take a different tack to apply to my situation.
I have my "wind down" routines. If a shot or two of tee-kill-ya helps you to exhale and recenter yourself, there are worse solutions! I think the trick is to find something that will not give you another problem with which to deal, that has a productive benefit and leaves you feeling rested, or even better, reenergized!

I hope that you will find some leisure activity or routine that will help you get your mind OFF caregiving for a bit and allow you to enjoy a few moments of regenerative peace every day.
Good luck!

I asked my doctor for some type of medication to help me with anxiety but he won't prescribe anti-depressants or a sedative for me. So what did I do? I turned to several shots of Tequila to relax in the evening. I know the drugs and alcohol is only a temporary fix.

What we both need is respite!

There is NO question all of us love our parents deeply. The issue is as a caregiver we are feeling overwhelmed. Our government makes it hard for us working class people to get help and assistance without jumping through many hoops.

Your link worked!!

Sounds like you most definitely need something for your "nerves." MANY people take tranquilizers ... and there are a lot more available than just Paxil. There's Zoloft, Prozac, Wellbutrin... just to name a few.

Do not be concerned about bringing up your anxiety problems with the new doctor. (And, why should you even *care* what the doctor thinks. He/she is there to "do a job" and that's all; they are not there to "judge.") And, if they DO judge?? .... GET ANOTHER DOCTOR!! After you tell him/her what you are "trying" to deal with at home, I suspect the doc will offer them without your even asking!! And, if the doc does NOT offer them, ASK!!!

As far as venting, this is the safest place in the world to vent!!! Somehow, in the midst of all that anxiety, just "getting it out" feels so much better. And, trust me, girl, you are not the only person who is panicky, anxious, depressed, agitated, afraid (and all those other wonderful stressor emotions!!!)

Talk away!! We're here for you. (And call that doctor ... TODAY!!)

Hi Steve, it's good to see you posting. Are things improving at all for you?

My "nerves" are really the most difficult thing I have to deal with. I woke up again at 2:30 this morning covered in hives; lips turned out and all. If the benedryl had taken any longer to work, I was getting ready to have hubbie take me to the hospital for an injection

Poor mom... she is constantly on my elbow. I find myself literally running into her, face to face, every time I turn around. She won't go to the respite program, she follows me into the bathroom, she won't even go to bed until I'm falling asleep before her eyes! I don't have time to school the children properly (we home-school), and am finding the my bills are getting paid late, as I put them off until I can get a quiet moment alone---which never comes.

I think I might handle it all better if only she weren't so consistantly negative in her comments and so easily worried and upset by everything she hears or sees me do. Even my talking on the phone or the children listening to a little music in another part of the house sends her into a tizzy...

Well, I sure hope that this phase will pass soon. Any suggestions anyone may have for getting through these particulr situations would be greatly appreciated! ...I mean, it's like I NEED to take a bath once in a while and I sure would like to be able to do it during normal waking hours

Oh well, I suppose I've ranted enough for one post. ...Oh, by the way, do you know whether doctors ever prescribe anything like a tranquilizer for folks like me? My poor old family doctor recently died, and I feel squeemish about approaching a "stranger" with such a request. I did a trial of paxil last year when we were having REAL trouble (police envolved) with mom's dillusions and hallucinations, but I couldn't tollerate the medication (it was quite a scary experience). ...if I could only calm down! In the mean-time, the vintners are making a mint on me

Mello Maria, my name is Steve and I am a caregiver too. Believe me I know your worries as we are in the same boat.