Greetings All

First off I apologize for the length of this post. I think it is more an opportunity for me to vent than anything. An introduction of sorts, from someone living in hell ATM.

I knew this day would come. I just didn't realize how BIG the situation would become. My FIL was diagnosed 6 years ago with ALZ. Until the last few months, his descent has been slow. Now though it has sped up considerably.

My husband is an only child and we live on the same property as his parent. So care-giving will fall to us alone.

We are feeling overwhelmed and anxious with the situation and at times very angry.

My in-laws have been married for over 60 years. They are both 79 years old. My MIL has been his primary Care Giver throughout the last few years, however things are changing so rapidly now that us 'looking in on them' a few times a day is no longer enough support. Over the last 2 months there have been several incidents which have left us feeling like this is all too much for us.

He moved into stage 6-7 of ALZ. He has been hospitalized twice. A month ago he was hospitalized in the local Senior Care Unit, a Psych Ward for Elders. After 2 weeks, his meds schedule had been reestablished, some meds had been changed, and he was released and sent home. At this point, he was fully ambulatory, walking and standing without problems but also completely incontinent and not at all mentally 'there'. He hasn't really known any of us for over a year. He knows we are familiar, and even knows he 'likes' us, but can't recall names or relationships or history. He will sit with my husband and tell him stories about 'my son' completely unaware that he is in fact talking to his only son......

We noticed immediately that the situation was not good once he arrived home. MIL was not sleeping. She stays up all night, and even if he is sleeping, she will go to his bedside every 15 mins and talk to him, asking if he is okay, if he needs anything........and then complain the next day that he doesn't sleep at night and so she gets no rest.

She also has only ceiling lights in her house, as she believes that table top or free standing lights will cause a fire, so he has light shining in his eyes and cannot differentiate between night and day at this point. She does not understand, or refuses to maybe, that the lights can make a difference for a late stage ALZ patient and sleeping patterns.

So, after about 10 days of this, she was at her wits' end. Stressed and unthinking. One day after several diaper changes, when he dirtied yet another time, she began yelling at him that he was just 'doing this out of plain meanness and should be ashamed' and dragged him into the bathroom. Well, he fought her off valiantly, and in the scuffle, she was thrown against the door frame and bruised her arm quite badly. She called me immediately and cried that she can't do this any more and he needs to be somewhere else.

I called their family physician and he was readmitted to the Senior Care Unit the next morning.
10 days later he was transferred to a Nursing Home. He entered the nursing home, as I said, completely ambulatory and conversant. He didn't really know WHAT he was talking about, but he would talk to you for an hour straight telling stories of his life, none of which made alot of sense , but he enjoyed them. The nursing home called us a few days later to say that they were having problems with him walking the halls all night and were getting an order for a shot of Haldol to try to get him to rest at night.

We continued to see him every day or every other day at least. We noticed alot of little things that seemed odd.....his food would arrive not ground up, so he could not eat it. ( he has only a couple of teeth left, and doesn't really understand the idea of chewing or gumming foods, so has eaten soups and ground or pereed foods for a couple of years now) We would find pills in his bed, or buried in his meals. When we discussed the medication issue, we we assured they would begin crushing his pills to be sure he got them.....but on the next visit I again found pills buried beneath vegetables on his plate......

His demeaner began to change. He didn't want to walk with us when we visited, just wanted to stay in bed. After 10 days the nursing home called to say that he was being evicted and sent back to the Senior Care Unit because he has become 'violent' and slapped and kicked a nurse........when my husband arrived two hours later to pick him up, he was practically comatose, and unable to walk or stand at all.

He has been back in the Senior Care Unit for a week now and is still unable to walk or stand unaided most of the time. Yesterday morning he began throwing up at breakfast after 2 days of not eating. He is having scans and tests run to determine the reasons for this.

Noone seems to be able to tell us why his condition has deteriorated so badly.......it honestly feels as though no one wants to be on record as saying anything wrong has taken place.

So now they say he will be released form the Hospital late this week or early next week, and since he had such a bad reaction to being in the nursing home we are probably going to bring him home.

Our lives are about to change.
Mama can't be alone with him anymore. The Drs have reiterated this a few times.
One of us needs to be with them all the time.
The Psychiatrist actually told me yesterday that if they are to be alone a few days a week for a few hours (I have a job afternoons a few days a week and my husband works days) that he will talk to us about prescribing 'management meds'....basically I should dope him up before I leave so that he will sleep while they are alone and not be able to fight her in any way........

So with all of this history.....believe it or not, our real problem isn't Daddy or his care giving. We can re schedule our lives to care for him. We can sleep over there at night to be available if there are problems. We can even lay out his meds and set alarms to be sure he eats and takes the right pills at the right times, and bathe him and change his diapers and all of that.

Our problem is my MIL. We think she may have had a nervous breakdown during the last several weeks. Her personality has changed. She has become angry and paranoid and lashes out. One minute she is asking for help....a ride to town to visit daddy or a trip to the grocery store or help reading or understanding a notice from Medicare or her insurance.......the next minute she is screaming that we are all out to get her and take her land or Daddy away from her or that she can drive herself....(she can't, she still legally has a lisencse but really shouldn't drive).....and there is no way to talk to her when she gets like that.

I know that she is mourning her husband. This body that we are bringing home has very little of the man she has loved her whole life left in him. I also know that she is tired and stressed. All of this doesn't stop her outbursts from being hurtful and scary. We have tried to ask her to go see her Dr before Daddy comes home. This suggestion brings on a barrage of "You are not gonna say I'm crazy and lock me up somewhere!" We have no legal rights here. She has Daddy's Power of Attorney. In order to get Conservatorship over either of them we would have to get 2 Drs to sign that she is incompetant.....and we can't get her to see a Dr!

We are certain that once he is home she will be even harder to deal with. She will slowly start pushing us away, tellling us that they are fine and that we don't need to be there all the time. This is her pattern of behavior. Our biggest fear is that one of them will end up being hurt. Or worse yet that she will take the truck and head off with him and hurt one of them or someone else.

Sigh

So that's life in a nutshell. We are scared. Stressed. Angry. Confused. But we're here.

I am glad I found this group. I am hoping that I can learn enough that I can make this new situation at least tolerable for all of us and find a way to get through the next stage.

Thanks for listening.

Thank you eveyone fo the warm and welcoming words.

It's been a busy week.

Daddy came home fom the hospital on Fiday.

I contacted the Area Agency on Aging earlier in the week and offically reported the NH situation. I also talked with the Director there about options and assistance available for us. There is a slim chance that we may even get a spot at a local ALZ Unit in a NH closer to home and with a vey good reputation. We'll see......

For now Daddy is at home, his ALZ having definitely pogressed significantly, and after only 2 days, Mama's state of mind is holding but not good. She has already gone back on alot of the ageed upon ground rules.....like one of us being with them all the time and letting me help her with things like meal prep, laundry and such. "We're making it just fine and y'all have too much to do to be here all the time..." has once again become her mantra.

sigh

She IS allowing me to set out, schedule and deal with his miriad of meds, which is a good thing. She gets confused if she has more than one or two things to think about, and he is now on 11 different meds, some of them once a day, some twice a day, some best at bedtime, others first thing in the morning on an empty stomach......not sure I mentioned this in the original post but besides the alz, he is also diabetic and has a bad heart.....

So here we are. I will be able to access the board only occasionally for awhile. I have to get a reasonable schedule of work at home, at the in-laws' and at my job before I can make much time for seeking support! haha

Thanks again for all the support, it means alot to know there is someone out there who understands the stress and anxiety related to our new life path here.

Oh and by-the-way....Angelnot......errmmmmm........just as soon as we win a lottery or someone figures out how to fix the economy so that someone other than large retail chains who pay min wage start hiring again.......I'll maybe hire someone....but as for now, that is an incredibly unrealistic plan as we are so financially strapped that we are running a month behid most of the time, and it would cost me more to have someone here than what I earn atm.

Besides which, as much as it might be easier in some ways, the fact is, we really would like to learn enough to care for them ourselves....it's related to our beliefs as Traditionalists......if we can find a way to do this it is our responsibility to care for our elders....when it comes to those skills which are simply beyond us, like medical intervention...we will turn to experts, but anything we can find a way to do ourselves we will.

I'll lurk from time to time and even post if there is any news. Thanks again to everyone.

Have you thought of hiring a care giver for your parents? This will definately help reduce your stress.

Welcome. Sounds like y'all have double-trouble. Your FIL's problem is obvious. I think that your MIL is exhibiting early dementia symptoms. Some events in life stress seniors to the max and they simply cannot cope. It sends them into a tailspin of depression and confusion from which they seldom fully recover. It's hard to say which comes first - the chicken or the egg - but the origins matter little when dealing with the reality of the behaviors.

Your MIL's behavior is what is triggering your FIL's outbursts. Whether she was quietly going down the dementia path independently or whether caring for him helped her along, it is clear to me from what you are reporting that this is the reality of the situation.

I'm so glad that the doc IS bending the rules and talking with you about them! Sometimes common sense still prevails!!! Perhaps there is a social worker who can sit down with everyone, assess the situation and give you some guidance as to what should happen. Don't hesitate to use Adult Protection Services if you need to to get the help that BOTH of them deserve and need!

Many blessings to you and your husband for all that you do for their care! I'm glad you found your way to ECO and am looking forward to getting to know you and yours.

MIL sounds like depression to me. It often mimics dementia, and heaven knows I'd be depressed after dealing with what she's been through.

There may be some other things going on, but I think that she should be evaluated for depression. Maybe an antidepressant for a limited period of time while she regains her balance, PLUS some grief support or counseling might give her a new lease on life.

I agree with BC have him checked for a uti then have him checked for impaction if he is stll throwing up and not eating.
This so called nh should be reported for substandard care also
MIL sounds like she may be having memory probs but it could also be lack of sleep mild stroke TIA.
I would spaek to her PCP hun before this gets completely out of hand
Ill let others chime in for now cause I'm really not good at this blackberry thing yet
I just wanted you to feel the love : )
Talk at you lata (((hugs)))

Kwebear, awe, sweetheart, I am so very sorry that your family is going through this. Has your FIL been tested for a UTI? I don't know why, but many doctors have not yet caught on that UTIs are a all too common cause of drastic unpleasant changes in behavior. Before he does come home, please ask if this has been done.

This NH sounds totally incapable of tending to a dementia patient. Much can be explained by their cavalier approach to his meds. You just can't leave them and expect the pills to go to the right place (down the throat).

I hope your MIL can be persuaded to see her doctor. She does sound like an anti depressent might be in order. I am usully the last one to suggest that, but there are times when it is called for. I am one of the last to accept chemical management in cases like your FIL, but you have genuine cause for concern.

I am rather surprised at how freely the doctor talks with you since you don't have POA or DPOA. Even though I am not thrilled with what he/she says, it is good that you have an open line of communication.

Welcome to ECO. There are others who will be able to address your concerns better than I who will be dropping in. Glad you found us.