Hello. This is my first visit and my first post. My father, who is seventy-four years old, has been a paraplegic for the last 10 years. My mother, who is 73, is in the advanced stages of A.D. They live in their own home. My sister and I, along with two other women, share caregiving duties. My father, although paralyzed, normally takes care of my mother at night without help. He had surgery last week, and we are all taking turns staying at night while he recuperates. And that brings me to the reason I'm here. Tonight as I was leaving, our best caregiver, who has worked with my family for more than three years, asked if she could have a word with me. She said that my father hugged her, kissed her on the cheek (which could have turned into more if she had let it), told her that he understood how difficult her life was right now (problems at home), and asked her if she knew how long it had been since he held a woman. She is a very capable person, and she handled the situation without hurting his feelings or shaming him. In fact, she is handling the situation much better than I am! I know that if it happens again, she will put him in his place. I guess I'm not even asking for advice...I just needed somewhere to go with this. I don't feel the need to say anything to him about it, although I do wish he would think about the position he is putting her in. She has been too good to our family for him to jeopardize the care both he and my mother receive. The last thing I want is for her to feel awkward when she is in my parents' home. Just venting, I guess, but if any of you have advice or suggestions, please feel free to share! Thank you so much. I appreciate the work that all of you do.

Hi Kim,

It is great that your CG told you this so that you have this information to pass on to the doctor when he is updated on your dads condition. I take care of my mother and father and about a year ago, my father began telling me, when my mother wasn't around, how much he hurt for sex. He then would tell me all of the details about his impotence, how long it had been for he and my mom, etc. I am 47 years-old and even though I know what he is talking about...a daughter doesn't take too well to this kind of talk. I would immediately try to divert his attention to another subject however, I finally reached the point in which I said, "Daddy, you need to be telling mom these things and not me." It was a simple solution but didn't stop his comments...so I simply repeat what I said before to him.

Thank you for sharing this very personal incident with us...hang in there! We are all here for one another.

Blessings,

Laurie

KimH, The CG, is probably letting you know because it is a change in your Dad's behavior. Any change really should be mentioned to the family. You said he is recuperating from surgery? Is he taking any pain medications that could reduce his impulse control? That would explain a lot if true.

What BG says about sex being another part of life is very true, and men do continue to have urges longer than women usually. Bit there is another aspect to this. The comfort of personal touch. Hugging was never really comfortable for me and I am speaking of my mother which is very different, but now I do really hug her and rub her back and find other ways (besides when cleaning her) to give her the comfort of touch.

Your parents sound as if they must have been a loving couple and your mother's AD would mean a double dose of loneliness for your father. She is right there and looks like his wife, but she isn't there for him at all.

The CG sounds like a fine woman and as BG said, probably just rolled it off her back except to alert you to a change. I know you are alarmed at the idea she will be uncomfortable and I hope it won't come to that. I am concerned that your father may actually be missing human contact. Are you comfortable holding his hand or rubbing his back a little, patting his shoulder? A little goes a long ways, although I know that wasn't what he seemed to be talking about to the CG. Still, I remember well when my dad was taking increasing dosage of pain control meds and his impulse control slowly dissolved. He was 87 and slapped a CG on the rear and told her she was a cute little thing. She (55 years old) handled it badly, burst into tears saying a married woman shouldn't have to put up with that sort of treatment. I really was stunned by her reaction. Daddy couldn't even get out of bed and didn't really even know where he was.

Welcome to ECO, I do wish I had something more helpful to add. Sometimes a place to vent makes all the diffence.

Hi Kim welcome in
Well if I tell you my stories maybe it would make you feel lots better
Seriously though if this CG you have is made of the right stuff then she is letting this go as soon as it happened.
I do all the time and hun not for nothin but thats PG rated to some of the ones I experienced
I hate to say it but it is men that we have the most issues with in this area and it actually doesnt phase me anymore cause I have heard some luu luu's in my time even from men with the disabilities your dad has.
Hun, because he is your dad I understand your position but sex for a man (or a woman) is as natural as breathing...for some its an uncomfortable subject but if you give it more power than it deserves it starts to take the shape of the big elephant pink in the room knowaddimean?
Watch your CG work and see how she responds to all this, if shes truly professional she will not make a big deal about it and jump right back into her CG routine just like shes done for the 3 years shes been there.
Quote for the nite
"water off a ducks back"