Hi, I am Catherine, taking care of an elderly aunt since December last year.

This is my ex-husband's aunt, we divorced 30y ago. She moved into my town last fall, into a local retirement home. She has no children, her husband has been gone for 25y now. She has always been difficult, alienating her entire family.

So she called me and asked for my help, and I could not refuse. She is 85y, legally blind, uses a walker, has heart trouble, diabetes and high blood pressure. I have been driving her around to drs appointments & tests, after helping her find a family dr here, and to run her errands. I am trying so hard to be a good person, but somedays she just drives me crazy!

She constantly complains that I am taking away her independance, usally when I am doing something she asked me to do - then calls me crying because she wants me to run right over to put the batteries in her blood pressure cuff. I asked her if the nurses could help her, but she says they won't help her, because she handles her own meds. I have talked with them, and they are very pleasant and helpful.

She complains they won't give her bananas after her meal, like they did everyone else, then in the next breath tells me they offered them to her. The nurses change the notes she makes to herself. The girl checking out her purchases must have stolen her money. The lady at the bank lied to her. Her paranoia goes on and on.

I am thinking it is Aleizhemiers? I don't know, I have no experience with this, and she has always been difficult as I said. I haven't seen her before this for years, we were never close.

My family asks why I bother to help her, somedays when she upsets me so much, I wonder myself? But I just can't imagine being old, alone, sick and blind! It just seems to be the decent thing to do.

I have told her I will give her one day a week - for anything she needs. But she wants me to be there all the time, and gets angry at me that I won't. So then I feel guilty!

I have a family to care for, a job and I care for my grandchildren after school. I have a busy life, and am not that well myself. Physically, emotionally, I cannot give her more than this. Am I wrong? Should I do more?

Thanks so much for the suggestion! I went and read, and now I am scared for me too! LOL

There is a Seniors Care center not far from me, I think I wil lcontact them and see what help or advice they can offer me.

Welcome Katrinka. Have you taken a look at our "Legal and Financial Issues" forum? There are a couple of "pinned" topics you should find interesting
http://eldercare.infopop.cc/eve/forums/a/tpc/f/1196030151/m/7381028505

There is SOOOO much to tcaring for an elderly person that I worry for you! Please talk this over with someone from your senior services agency - I don't know who to suggest because I am not familiar with Canada's way of organizing services. Here, we have several agencies with whom we could discuss a situation like this with social workers, etc. who could inform us about how to go about things...

MANY blessings to you for being such a kind, sweet person! While I pray you will not besaddled with your exAunt's care, I hope that you WILL remain very close to her life. She may not know much but she obviously knows a special person still.

Thanks for your thoughts - actually now that you mention it, it does feel like Alice & the Mad Hater Tea Party! LOL

You made me realize I should look into POA more, so I just did a search. I an in Ontario, and it doesn't say anything about my having to sign it, just her & 2 witnesses:
----------------------
Do I have to use a specific form to make my Continuing Power of Attorney for Property (“CPOA”)?
No. A special form is not required. But to be valid, the document must:
• Be called a Continuing Power of Attorney for Property or say that it allows your attorney to continue acting for you if you become mentally incapable.
• Name one or more persons to act as your attorney for property.
• Be signed by you and dated.
• Be signed by two witnesses who saw you sign the document.
--------------------------------

That seems to be the story of my life, people taking advantage of my kind nature. But at least here, I feel like I am doing something good, something helpful. I broke my leg last year, and was non-weight-bearing for 5m. My family was so good helping me and taking care of me. So part of this is me paying forward the kindness I received.

She feels so taken advantaged of, that I am cautious to push her to make the necessary changes. Although I do fear she will get too ill and be left to the "evil" nephew's mercies, before she will make them. That worries me, but I don't want her to think that I am trying to force her into anything.

I am not perfect, and when I get frustrated with her "stories" and rantings, I don't feel like a nice person at all. But I try...

Oh my, I started to say something about Alice and Mad Hatters and tea parties, but I just so appreciate your effort for her, I hated to take a chance that it would come across as sarcastic. That wouldn't have been my meaning at all.

In my state, POA appointment requires a legal document, notorized, with signatures. Not so with appointing an executor of a will. That can be a last minute surprise, which may be refused or contested.

You seem to be reaching out to her with the right motives and I do hope you will find out soon, just who is what. Mom's Docs treat me like I have all powers, but in truth I don't. I act like it and they treat me so.

Someone must have these powers for her sooner or later, Mom is not incompetant. In actuality I have several issues to address with Bro. I thought he had these powers. Last time we talked, he said, he had no clue if anything was on paper. "PANIC ZONE".

She cannot make you be her POA or her DPOA, or even executor of her will. I find your situation very interesting. It is almost like a hijacking of a nice person. Still, I have no doubt that your involvement is going to help her, and you do this with no strings attached.

Pleased to meet you.

Thanks for the welcome!

I guess she called me because she says she has always been fond of me, since she said I was always kind to her when we were together. She did maintain contact with my boys for several years after my ex left, and every once in a while I would make the effort to travel to her city and visit regularly on & off over the years.

It never lasted long before I couldn't take the stress of being with her, and stopped visting for several years at a time. However, the last time I'd seen her, about 3y ago now, she told me she had made me her Power of Attorney. Frankly, I was shocked - but she said she didn't have anyone else. I really didn't give it much further thought.

When she moved out of her home into the retirement home, she had a nephew helping her, but she says he took all her antique furniture, her stamp & coin collection, her clothing, her cheque book, her bank cards, her SIN card. That he was constantly harrassing her for money and that he even threatened her physically. Sometimes I believe her, and get very angry that anyone could treat an elderly person that way.

But other times I can't help wondering if she is making up another story, and that she gave all her things to him, because she is always trying to give me money & things, but I refuse. I tell her I am not helping her to get something, I am just helping because I want to.

Anyhow, sometimes she says I am still her POA, other times she says I am the executor of her will, and he is her POA, but she plans to change that. She hasn't made an appt with a lawyer yet though, she has to move her money and pensions to a local bank - if she can find one she trusts. She wants me to help her with her financial papers, but it's slow going because it's such a mess, and needs sorting.

So far, I am with her when she goes into her drs appointments, so hear anything necessary. Anything else, I don't feel the need to know.

I hadn't considered getting her evaluated - she is such an independant person that I just try to follow her lead, and try very hard to take anything peranoid she says with a "grain of salt".

But perhaps I should talk to her dr the next time I see him. He tends to talk to me instead of her when we are there for her appt., and I have to constantly remind him that she would prefer he talk to her.

I do feel confident with the support staff at the home, and trust that they will do what is right for her. She won't call them for help though. She fell in her bathroom one day, and left a huge black bruise across her back & banged her head. But she told me she would not call the nurse nor go to the dr. It's frustrating to watch, but I won't go against what she decides.

Katrinka, Welcome to ECO. How very generous for you to answer her request for assistance and companionship. How unusual that she would remember you to call. Has she asked you to assume any true authority over her, I mean POA, DPOA? Probably not. You will not be able to do much more for her. Her doctors will not be likely to give you any info about her condition, even the retirement home will be limited in what they can share with you.

You ae not wrong to recognize the limits to what you can do for her. You do what you can because you are a good compassionate human being, don't feel quilt for that. Also don't feel as if you owe others an explaination for following your heart when you see this lonely old lady. You are not in a position to "fix" things for her, but it would seem she will use you if she can. Can you find out who if anyone has her DPOA? They aren't obligated to hear you out, but if anyone can arange for her to have an evaluation, that would be the person. She needs one.

The staff, (if you have confidence in them) can give you some help in understanding her, but as I said, there are strict privacy laws that will limit the specific info they can give you. You will have to read between the lines. You have no reason for quilt.

Again, Welcome