Hi!

My name is Liz and I'm caring for my MIL. I'm kinda new to this. But it's not really my first time...

My dad had cancer and it matistized to his brain. He completely lost his memory and his ability to function. It was like Alzheimer's on speed. He went from being a fulling functioning, rational, thinking person to his death in under a year. It's only been 18 months since his passing and I'm still grieving in the worst way. I was his care giver and his power of attorney and I had to make all the medical decisions. I'm still questioning and worrying about every decision.

Now, I find myself caring for my MIL. We've know she's had Alzheimer's for a long time. But my FIL was handleing. In March he got sick and went into the hospital. I had to move in with my MIL because she couldn't live on her own. On April 1, my FIL passed away. So here I am... living in my MIL's house with my 3-year-old DD. My DH lives in our house Monday - Friday because it's a better communte to his job. On the weekends he comes up here and sleeps on an air matress on the floor.

We're selling MIL's house and our house and we're going to buy something that's big enough for all of use (DH can't sleep on an air matres forever ) and that's a better comute for him.

But for now, I'm here alone most of the time.

My MIL is very resisitant to help. She lashes out at me consently. She's always yelling at me. When the mail comes, she grabs it and hides it. We're beind on all the bills because she won't pay them and she won't let me see them. However, I've fixed her. I went to the post office and I'm having all our mail forwarded to a PO box.

Since FIL's death, her memory seems to be slipping much faster. I hope this is just grief and she stablizes (or even recovers some functions) soon.

I didn't mean to write so much... it's just so great to have a place to share!

Thanks,
Liz

Me - Liz (40)
DH - Steve (41)
DD - Elizabeth (3)
MIL - Doris (80)

LizF...definitely find a doctor you can work with. And Aricept can be a tricky drug; it works great for some (for 6 to 9 months); for my husband, it was a disaster...screaming, sobbing rages, and violent vomiting. He was only taking 5 mg, once daily. When he was changed to Paxil, things got better real fast. But he doesn't have AD. Seems like he has everything else though. Good luck with MIL new doctor.

Thanks for the warm welcome!

We are taking MIL to a doctor on May 19th. It seems a long way away, but we know he's a good doctor and he's a wiz with meds. My DH is bi-polar and he's the first doctor who's been able to prescribe the right "cocktail" of drugs of control his illness.

DH was talking to him about MIL's condition and he suggested we bring her. Currently she's taking Arispect (sp?) but the doctor prescribed it as 5 mg in the AM and 5 mg is the PM. DH's doctor said that's not the correct way of prescribing it and thinks her current doctor is a quack.

I'm also very unhappy with her current doctor because he refuses to work with us regarding her mental condition. Both DH and I have full power of attorney for MIL and it explicetly states that we have authority to make her medical decisions. (Oh how I hate making decisions for someone else -- but as someone said it's better than letting the state do it!) The doctor said he won't work with me unless we get her declared Legally Incompatent. My lawyer has advised agaisnt that for various reasons. Besides, what the doctor is objecting to is her angry outbursts when he includes me in the dicussion of meds and dosing instructions. Does he really think a piece of paper signed by a couple of doctors and a judge is going to make her stop having angry outbursts???

So we're going to take her to DH's doctor for an evail and I'm looking for a new general doctor for her other issues (she has a pacemaker, is taking blood thinners, has hip replacements, and some other stuff.)

I'm convinced she's depressed. She's depressed about moving, her husband's death, and I can tell she's furstrated with her own memory loss. Unfortantly none of these things are going to chance. She has to move! Either we buy a house we can all live in or she's going to intermediate care. She can't live home alone any longer. Of course, there is nothing that can be done about her husband's passing or her illness. I'm hoping the doctor will give her an antidepressant. He also said there are some meds better than arispet so he will most likeily be changing that.

Has anyone had any expierence with Buspar? Several years ago I went through a pretty deep depression and my doc gave me Buspar for anxiety. It's not a tranqulizer. I'm wondering if something like Buspar would help some of MIL's mood swings? She's not that steady on her feet, so I'd be afraid to give her a tranqulizer.

As for the junk mail suggestion -- I think that's a great idea. I was even thinking I might try to slip some of it in her mail box when she's not looking so she can retrieve it.

I have a couple of questions:
First about phone calls... She always wants to answer the phone. I'm faster on the draw so I usually answer first. If she does happen to pick up first, most people know to ask for me. But occacsailly someone won't know. As soon as she hangs up she forgets who called and why. Also, when people ask for me she gets angry because she feels shut out. Does anyone have any ideas how to ease this?

Also, I have a question about garbage. We have a running battle because MIL doesn't want to put food / wet garage in the kitchen trash can. When I moved in with her - the first thing I had to do was clean the refrigitor. There were months of moldy, smelly garbage stashed in the frige. It was disgusting. The frige looked packed; but there was no real food in there; just garbage. She's still doing it. I just run behind her and throw stuff away as fast as she stashes in the fridge. Do you guys have any suggestions for teaching an old dog new tricks? Do I have to just be on the look out for trash in the fridge; or is there a way I can teach her to stop doing it?

Thanks again!
Liz

Me - Liz (40)
DH - Steve (41)
DD - Elizabeth (3)
MIL - Doris (80)

Liz,

Welcome to the fourm. Although you have cared for your father already, this is going to be a new experience for you. Jim has good advice reguarding a medical evaluation for your mil. There are many different medications available that can help with the difficult behaviors. Who is in charge of mil's finances? Jim also has a good point with making sure all of mil's legal affairs are in order. Without necessary documents your mother could lose control of her health care, finacial affairs, ect and could be kept on life support against her wishes. Believe me, you don't want the state stepping in on that. Sending all of her mail to a PO box is a start at getting her bills paid. Have you considered doing a direct debit from her bank account on her bills. Many of the utility companies offer that service, and it is really nice. I would also suggest that you know that caring for mil in-home is going to work out before you make any major decisions about buying a new house and any other major alterations in your life. Caregiving can be very difficult. As your mil progresses the need for care outside the home may be great. Be sure to care for yourself and your child also. She needs you.

I also cared for my mil for a year and a half. Unfourtunatly, she has been hospitalized for the last 2 months and it is looking unlikely that she will get better. I also have a 9 month old ds named Eric. It can be difficult at times, but that is why we are here. Feel free to post anytime.

Take care and God Bless

Peggy
aka rainbowgirl

LizF: welcome to the boards. I have a suggestion about the mail. Instead of tossing all of the junk mail, why not give it to MIL? She'll still think she is getting the mail. That might have been really important in her life and lets her think she still has some control. Just be selective about which junk mail she gets though. You wouldn't want her sending off for more junk When you clean house, you can pitch most of it ... but leave some so she hopefully won't notice the diminishing pile.

Huge responsibility...

Hi Liz and welcome to the forum. I'm not glad that you have to be here but I'm glad you found a very supportive group since you can appreciate the support.

You and your family have taken on a very huge responsibilty with your MIL. This can't be very easy for any of you but you sound well gounded.

First I'll ask if your MIL has had a full physical exam to see if there is anything else contributing to her "unsupportive mood"---for example, does she have a chronic painful condition that she's keeping hidden. Her "slipping memory" may be the result of deep depression resulting fom her husband's death and her grieving. That's one thing you may want to address and have treated.

I'd also ask if you have taken steps to get all her paperwork in order while she can still function to the degree to negotiate that necessity?

Don't be concerned about writing too much--I've no knowledge of any limits on that.

The more info you provide, the more we can try to help you.

Do you have any specific questions or concerns that we might help with right now?

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Use today wisely,
It's the only one we get.

Oh, for so short a time,
we are on loan to each other.

Jim