Mom lives alone. I'm youngest out of 4 and only one in same town. She is becoming frail, but still manages to drive and take care of herself just fine. She makes me so insane I can't go around her but manage to check on her by phone and that's becoming difficult. Her last visit made me so furious I went out of control with yelling. I know now that is wrong. We never got along but still...she's my mother.
She's convinced herself and others I'm trying to "carry off" things therefore I have no keys to her house if emergency occurs. She says she has had keys made but I keep losing them. She keeps house shut so tightly no open windows etc because she thinks her exhusband of 7 years is spying on her. The neighbors kill their dogs.
Claimed she had fallen and cracked her hip, was told by doctor that she had to use a walker for at least 3 months. I insisted on taking her in for checkup and doctor was surprised she was using a walker for a little bruise. few days later she was back on walker said her doctor told her to keep using it for 3 more months and I just didn't understand what he was saying.
She reads at 3rd grade level and doesn't understand what she has just read, but she thinks she does OK.
She wants to board up all windows across the front of her house to keep out the heat. Most times in 100 degree weather she doesn't run air.
She has brought in 4 wild female cats that have had kittens in her house, supposedly they are no longer in house. I get off with family pictures that have never existed. To her it isn't accusation of stealing if she calls it "getting or carrying off". She used to come in my house when I wasn't home looking for things I took from her. She HAD keys to my house.
She used hair remover on her face recently when it didn't work she continued to apply the cream. She chemically burned her face so badly it scabbed over horribly. After healing, she did it again.
Her ex-husband breaks into her house and steals cake mixes. She hoards food, allows strangers into her house to sell her windows, etc she doesn't need, spends money for crazy things (but she is so broke and can't buy food or medicine) My brother gives her money he can't afford to give her. tells relatives my husband is bad alcoholic,daughter's husband abuses her, I am drug addict all untrue. Claimed I won't take her to cancer doctor out of town (in remission for past 5 yrs) so she had to drive her old car. She never told me she had an appointment. I always drive her the 200 mile round trip.Her sisters visited her at this doctors office near their home so it really must be true to them I am a horrible daughter. This made her very happy. She is SOOO broke and can't afford to buy medicine or pay home insurance. She gets her meds free, and doesn't pay utilities, through the state somehow, not sure what program. She didn't want me to know this. She won't let me see her meds because I "get off" with them so I have no idea what she is on.
She is possessive and jealous of my 3 older brothers monopolizing all their time when they are in town and has convinced at least one that I am the bad one. This breaks my heart. She acts completely normal around family they don't see how things really are. She tells unbelievable lies. Relatives in other town call me and say I should treat my mother better. My brother calls and tells me I need to see poor mother more, She LOVES ME so much and doesn't know why I treat her so awful. I have ranted and raved so much to them they think it is my fault and rightly so. Family reunion in 2 weeks, my fathers side, they divorced 35 years ago, she is going and I don't look forward to it. PLEASE HELP!

Hi Anna and welcome to the forum. Wow,you do have major problems. I certainly think you have been given great advice by everyone and I don't have much to add really. I can see a few different possibilities for what is going on with your mother from your description of what is happening. One thing that came to mind (though this may not be the primary problem, nor is it likely to be the only problem), is the question of how she is taking her meds. I was partial cg to my aunt several years ago. After her only child died, she was devastated, and -in her depression-apparently began taking way too many meds from way too many doctors. I received a call from her one night. She was paranoid, delusional, hallucinating, and not making hardly a lick of sense. She refused to go to the hospital, thinking they would "put her away". My aunt was 87 then, but had never shown any signs of dementia whatsoever before. I took her home with me that night and saw then that she was carrying a ton of pills and was totally confused what she was supposed to take when. I think it began as a mistake made out of depression and escalated from there. It took some time, but after getting everything sorted out, she did go back to her normal self.

Just sharing one experience of what mixing meds can do to an elderly person. It's incredibly important to make sure all doctors know every medicine an elderly person is taking to avoid drug interactions. (Fair warning-she still had doctors trying to prescribe meds that definitely did not work for her in certain combinations-like sleeping meds with muscle relaxants with pain meds-nope, don't think that was too brilliant) so check them out for yourself folks.

Anna, I'm definitely NOT saying that is your mother's problem. It may be a contributing factor, but until she is diagnosed by a doctor it's impossible to say exactly what's happening with her. You just reminded me of this particular potential problem and I wanted to share it with everyone. My best wishes to you that your family may see what is happening with your mother (without the blinders), and you can all work together to help her be safe. I can "see" how scared you are for her. If you do go the Adult Protective Services route, be warned that they may not be inclined to do anything to help her if they do not see a situation where she is a danger to herself or someone else. You know it, they may not agree. If so, that makes it even more important to follow Vera's advice and document everything and also to get a lawyer who can help you help your mother. Do it even if you end up with your family being ticked. They'll get it eventually or they won't, but either way you have to do what is best for her and what you can live with as well. That's the main thing. Take care-Melissa

"Whatever tomorrow brings, I"ll be there-with open arms and open eyes"

Anna,

Welcome! Lots of thought provoking and experienced advice from the senior members of the forum. I'm a newbie myself and am glad I found this haven of understanding.

We've been dealing with the relative challenge for years now. I have been amazed at times how "blind" people can be, but then the forces that propel this are very strong. Once we "see" the problem we have to face all kinds of issues, including grief, fear and responsibility. It is really hard for lots of adult children to shift roles with their parents. It often feels like we are demeaning our parents if we "take over" even if the person desparately needs it.

Another issue often difficult for rels to face is the one of priorities. Most of us live hectic lives and the thought of adding one more responsibility, especially such an emotional and difficult one, is often overwhelming. Plus some just don't want their lives to change to include a person with AD. That isn't to say the rels are bad, but facing these issues is a big deal. We CGs all know that.

None the less, they need to know what is going on. One of the things that has helped with my MIL and her rels is that I send "Mom Updates" by email to all her kids. These are usually tied to a doctor's appt, financial advisor statement or something objective. I try to keep my report (and that is what it is) ojective and matter of fact. I stick to the facts and leave the emotion out. Sometimes I have imagined that I am a social worker writing a report about a client. Anything that will enable you to focus on the facts you are trying to convey.

Keeping a factual journal of what is happening to your mom is important for many reasons. Reasonable, rational people do not do what she is doing. The fact that your rels can't or won't see that doesn't make it any less true. If you need people to validate what you already know, this forum recognizes you have legitimate concerns. Your mom is sick and you are not making it up!

Please stay in touch. You have the courage to do what is right and compassionate for your mom. You've already shown that by coming to this forum.

Take care.

Anna,

Your brother taking her is a good thing. You have described someone that with hthose symptoms should not be self medicating and most likely should not be driving. Don't worry she will soon be accusing your brother of the same things that she accuses you of. It would be a good idea if you get together with your siblings and discuse your Mom's care. Perhaps you can have a family conference with her dr. In any case do not be upset with your brother for bel;ieving your Mom, soon he will know the truth.

Edyth Ann aka Bubblehead aka Queen Bubble
AOL IM EdythAnn12
edythann@netzero.net

Anna, One more bit of advice, keep a journal of everything. Document anything and every thing that you can. Take pictures of your Mom's living conditions. Is it possible to video tape her without her knowing it? You might just need this in your own defense someday. Hopefully you will never use it but be prepared to defend yourself. Start by writing down the days events, even if nothing has happened.
The advice that the others have given you is right on target. This disease is horrible! Protect your mother from being taken advantage of but most of all protect her from herself.
Last year at this time I stood accused of not taking care of my MIL...........properly. I didn't feed her the "right" foods, I had stolen many of her belongings and sold them....... and so on and so forth. My husband and I recieved a letter from BIL and SIL attorney stating these and other items as fact. They actually had this lawyer believing that my MIL was actually suffering from "poor care" and not alzheimers. The lawyer's letter stated that when mil had recovered sufficiently from her ordeal, he would recommend her to a 'senior ladies home'. My MIL is still in the NH. She still has AD, she has deteriorated rapidly and I cannot be blamed! The disease had everyone but the CG's fooled!
The mind is smart enough to try to cover tracks but stupid enough to believe it is superior.
Protect your Mother. Protect yourself. She is a danger to herself and others. That man decided that he had to drive though the farmers market in Cal. apparently thought that he was capable of driving. He just forgot what he was supposed to do when that street was closed. He drove down it anyway, and killed 9 people. What if somebody had reported him to the dept of motor vehicles before that? There were signs that the man had some issues while driving his car........ But now he is sorry and the family has apologized. They cannot undo the carnage that was caused. They chose to ignore whatever it was that they didn't want to see.
This is THE best place to be for support, friendship and advice! Caregiving is difficult. Welcome to our forum family. Feel free to seach all the other threads and by all means jump in whenever and where ever you want.

May the frog have mercy on my soul.
Power to the puppets and peace to all people.

Anna, you can rest assured that brother is going to see mom as you see her. She will not be able to maintain a "sweetness and light" attitude for a whole two weeks.

If he is really keeping mom for now, then get on with the other stuff that needs to be done ... and do something good for yourself as well.

There is a web link called "A Practical Guide to Alzheimer's, Dementia and Driving. Read it very carefully and take action. Mom should not be driving ... she'll injure or kill herself or others in an accident guaranteed to happen.

If you want to do something RIGHT NOW, file down the ignition key. "If all else fails, ... doctor can send a letter to the department of motor vehicles and have patient's license revoked. An officer will knock on the door and confiscate the license."
(from AARP Bulletin, July-August, 2003, page 12)

http://www.thehartford.com/alzheimers/

My brothers won't accept the fact that I think mom has major problems. They wouldn't discuss it the few times I've brought it up. I just found out one brother came to town over the weekend to take mom back with him for 2 weeks and didn't bother to let me know he was here. She must have told him something I have done to her that he believes so he was angry enough to not want to see me.
Jim, I feel like what it must feel for a wrongly accused person to be put in prison.
OK OK enough of feeling sorry for myself. That has always been my pet peeve. Just tell me to snap out of it and get on with life, it could be much worse.

Hoarding and...Hiding...

Hi again Anna

I can tell by your repeated tone that this is so very difficult on you, I'm sorry.

Don't be that concerned about believing what your mother is doing/ saying--thatis how it goes. And your concern about your brothers--sounds like it's time to get together--or don't the bros want to get involved--or have to deal with the situation ....

I still think the major concern is to have her in a controlled environment so she can't do any more harm to herself unknowingly..

You need to vent---comje on back here and do it in peace and quiet...

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Use today wisely,
It's the only one we get.

Oh, for so short a time,
we are on loan to each other.

Jim

Thanks so very much to everyone responding to my long letter. I'm so happy to have conversations with someone in the same circumstance.
My 1st time on chat forum so please forgive my errors.
My mother is divorced and lives alone, her home being about a 15 minute drive from my house. She continuously collects "junk" that it's becoming difficult for her to get around safely. She is not too physically disabled considering her age and manages to cook, keep house, etc OK although the wild cats she has adopted has me puzzled. She never liked cats. She "supposedly" keeps tabs on her meds, but she thinks I steal her pills so she doesn't let me know or see what she takes anymore. I do worry since the hair removal incidents, that she isn't taking her meds like she should. She DOES NOT understand what doctors tell her. I go into the office with her on cancer clinic checkups out of town. She takes herself to her local doctor at the low income clinic. She "can!!" afford food and gets at least some of her meds for free. She doesn't want me to know that she isn't as broke as she lets on because she thinks "I steal" from her bank accounts. She hoards food, PT and TP and hides it in strange places, forgetting where it is then claims I have carried it off or her ex broke in and took it. She claims to have seen her neighbors many times kill their pets, neighbor kids digging deep holes in her fenced yard, although there are no holes in the yard, and so on with ridiculous imaginary things. One of my main concerns for her is the house being so closed up, no curtains open for light or fresh air to come in, her paranoia over ex's spying through crack in the curtains, now wanting to have her windows in all front rooms boarded up. She also thinks "ex" listens in on her telephone. She is so afraid I steal from her, but yet she will fling open her door to any stranger that knocks. This worries me a lot. I have personally encountered some of the strange people in her house trying to sell things to her she doesn't need like new windows?? These people were diffinately scamming elderly as I later learned. I have a terrible fear she will fall and be unable to get up and I have no way to get in to help her.
She does OK so far with driving but with your advice I will rethink this. Her eyes are getting pretty bad. I want her to be independent for as long as possible. Maybe with your help in learning to understand the problems I will do better. I WOULD NEVER HIT OR ABUSE MY MOTHER, I just raise my voice, LOUDLY sometimes, raise my high blood pressure higher, and deal with a bad case of insomnia and migraines. I could write a book on the crazy things she has done and accusations she's made to me, some so bad I have never even told my husband about, but maybe this short version will at least help to get some things off of my chest. It's important that I get my brothers to understand the real person I deal with is not the sweet loving nurturing mom they see. She will need major help very, very soon. How do I make them understand that if I take away her car, take over the bank accounts, other vital things, I'm not trying to get her stuff? I already feel better and think I will go check on her. Thanks!

Anna,
You have had some very good advice here, and I will second the motion of all who suggested you talk to Adult Protective Services .. protection for Mom and for YOURSELF. I have some other suggestions:

--Find an Elder Law attorney, NOW. Your mother is surrounded by emergencies waiting to happen. You need the attorney to back you up when the relatives start showering blame on you.

--Take away her car keys NOW. If she won't surrender them, call the police and explain the situation. Call the car licensing place and explain the situation and ask how you can get her driver's license revoked, IMMEDIATELY. Of course, she then will need someone to take her where she needs to go, but there is no way she should be doing the driving. Think about it ... she reads on a 3rd grade level and can't remember what she read. Translate that into street signs and their meaning

--The elderly die easily in a hot house, from heat prostration and dehydration. She is absolutely incapable of living alone. Talk to her doctor privately and apprise him of all you have said here. Ask him if any of her medications could be causing so much mental havoc.

--Contact centers for aging in your area and find out how you can get her into a facility which could care for her.

I know very well the despair of seeing a loved one turn into a totally different person; they can't help it, and neither can you. So set the guilts aside and move on with trying to find real solutions to real problems. It won't be easy and it won't be quick; but certainly you have a place here to vent, seek solace and help. We have all walked in each others shoes, and we're tired of the bad fit; but at least everyone here understands.

I am posting a couple of links which may be helpful to you to find an attorney and a center for aging.

http://www.naela.com/Applications/ConsumerDirectory/index.cfm

http://www.ec-online.net/Community/Neighborhood/nm.htm

Hi Anna,

I fully understand your situation. Your Mum clearly has no judgement or reasoning abilities, she is delusional and paranoid. I urge you to seek the Adult Protective services that Jim mentioned.

Your Mum needs a full medical assessment. You should see her family doctor yourself (without your Mum) and tell the doctor the whole situation. The doctor may force the situation, and get the ball rolling. One thing that I did that was extremely helpful for the doctor in my Gran's case is that I made a record (a spreadsheet actually) of all the problems. I included the house conditions, hygiene, feeding, finances, pet care, paranoia, delusions - everything. I asked her neighbour and my aunt for input. All told it was quite complete and it has made it easier for the doctor to act.

You may find that your Mum really isn't acting "normal" around your brothers, with some prodding they may realize "oh yeah, boarding up the house really isn't normal".

I know it will take some work on your part, but it will be worthwhile if you know you can help your Mum.

Good luck and keep us posted.

S.

Anna, I'm out the door to tour a dialysis unit with my husband. Then I'll be back to consider your posting. Many on this board have been, or are in similar impossible situations. So stay with us... we'll all get through this together.

Get Help Now...

Hi Anna 026,

It sounds to me like there is an altogether serious safety issue involved here in your mother's household.
I'll ask you do you know if she is capable of managing her own medications? Does she do any cooking and does she do her laundry, house cleaning and grocery shopping? The repeated use of hair remover is also scary situation.
Is there a sanitation situation in the household that threatens her health? If she can't buy her own meds and evidently doesn't then is another health issue.

There are so many things you have discussed here that would warrant getting Adult Protective Services involved in this case. Have you called them yet ? Do you plan to?

It also sounds like your mother is in dire need of a thorough health assessment an should have some legal work done too--such as DPOA and POA for healthcare.

Please come back with a few more details so that we may be able to better help you with this situation

Please tell us or ask us specifically what is it that you would like the help with.


.
.
.

Use today wisely,
It's the only one we get.

Oh, for so short a time,
we are on loan to each other.

Jim

Welcome to our family. It is a wonderful one where people listen and support one another-not a disfunctional one like many in the real world.Don't think I can be of much help. Sounds like many other families around here. From what you say about your mother-should she be driving? Was your Mom invited to this reunion or just going? It sounds like your Mom needs help that she doesn't want. I dont know how things like that work in the U.S. but I am sure others will have suggestions.I hope you go to the reunion and enjoy yourself in spite of others.
Gypsy