Hi everybody, I am a 50 yo woman with 2 young boys and a husband, a full time job, and finally my 86 yo mother who has advanced stages of alz. and is living at home with us. My problem is that I am extremely exhausted, frustrated and angry with mom because when I am home with her (caretakers are there during my working hours) she is constantly asking me to taker her home, or that she's lost her two children. No matter what I say, it's back to square one in 30 seconds. I have not had a good night's sleep, and I have become isolated from friends and family because I can't taker her places anymore because she constantly wants to go back home. The stress is killing me. I love my mother dearly; I took caregiving classes, but nothing can prepare you for this time in their disease. I am one of 4 children and the others all live far from me and have not taken part in her caregiving. I am at the end of my rope and am seriously considering a facility for her. She doesn't know who we are, except that we are family, and she is not happy here either since she is always claiming that she wants to go home. My question to you all out there is: I feel so guilty giving up on her. My Christian beliefs weigh heavy on me and feel like I'm letting my own mother down. I am deeply sad about this but my family needs me and I have not had a decent day with my boys and husband in a long, long time. Her neurologist told me that she would quickly die once I put her in a nursing home which doesn't help me in making this decision. However, I fear for my own health at this point. Please help me. Thank you.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Bobcat:
I am glad you are feeling our support for you.QUOTE]Thank you Bobcat. Again your advice is right no the button. I just had a conversation with my sister-in-law and more and more I see that I do need to do this. It's not about mom being old and me abandoning her; rather it's about a horrible illness which has taken over her mind and needs 24/7 care. I need to realize this, and prayers are being answered.

Good post, Bobcat. I agree with every word.

Morning, Isy, I am glad you are feeling our support for you. There is something I want to add about the remark made by her nuerologist. I have a hunch that many go quickly after being placed in a NH because they are not placed until the end is near, not that the end comes quickly because they are placed.. Sometimes a patient actually does well in the right place, with caregivers who are not caught off guard by the progress of the disease, and have experience in providing activities. It really does depend on the facility.

If you feel that this would be the right move for all involved, please know that it is because her situation is becoming too complicated to handle at home. Caregiving classes are great, but they will never prepare you for the emotional trauma of seeing this happening to YOUR Mom. Nor can they prepare you for the energy drain, as you try to do it all, instead of do a shift and go home.

Believe me, if you do decide it is time to move you Mother, you won't stop being her caregiver. You will be doing it differently, but with the assurance that someone will be there for her, even when you can't be.

It is possible that with a few more hours of help in your home, and maybe some adjustments in her meds, this is still do-able, but this is an important time to put you children first. Good luck making this decision.

Moms buddy: thank you so very much for your support. Your email truly blessed me this a.m. I will keep you informed as to the status. I plan on praying some more and that when I do make the decision, that I will be at peace with it. It's very, very, very hard for me, but I see no other way. God bless you and thanks again because you showed me a lot of wisdom in your words...as well as all the lovely, caring people who have replied to my post. I feel all of your support and thank God I found you.
Isabel

quote:

Her neurologist told me that she would quickly die once I put her in a nursing home which doesn't help me in making this decision.

Welcome, ICF. Your neuro is possibly right, but here's the deal: we're ALL gonna get the call to come home sooner or later. What matters is the quality of our lives here. If you cannot care for her in your home, then there is only one solution - to place her in a facility where she will receive good care. HOW good the care is will depend a lot on the place itself and your level of involvement. Some folks put their LOs in homes and don't visit, etc. Their folks may or may not receive good care. A good caregiver makes sure their LO is getting what they need in the NH and if not, makes sure things change for the better.

As far as the wanting to go home thing... we've talked about that phenom before here 'cause it is very common. Even if your mom were in her home, she might want to go home. I think home is a place in their memory where they feel happy, safe, alive and are enjoying all the great things about life. There are people there whom they love (never mind if those same people NEVER lived at their real home, they populate the "home" they are constructing in their memories).

So here's the deal. Sit back and take a few deep breaths. Relax. The end stages of life can be upsetting, but honestly, there IS a simple beauty to them. When we're able to put aside our emotional feelings and study this getting old and dying thing, it isn't so very awful nor is it any different from any of the other creatures put on this earth. HUMANS are the problem, not nature! We perceive things as just awful because we remember our LOs in their PRIME. Well, we can't always remain in our prime! I can't speak for anyone else, but at age 55, I find there's a lot of UN-prime real estate on this body! My brain gets frazzled easier. I don't have the stamina I did 10 or 20 years ago. That's all quite normal and natural.

I understand about not being able to take her places any longer - that happens and it does hurt, but it's a fact of life. Friends DO evaporate and we DO feel isolated and lonely.

One thing is is certain: you MUST take care of the caregiver because without you, it all goes up in smoke! If you need to move your mother to a residence because this is really becoming too much for you, then do so with all due diligence! If you simply need a break from caregiving, see if respite services are offered in your area. If not, perhaps one of your uninvolved sibs could come over for a week so you could "train" them to care for your mom while you and your DH slip away for a weekend.

I've been caring for my mother who's bedridden for 6 years this September and a couple of years before that when she was still ambulatory. It is a difficult task and many times I have felt like I was totally out of gas. When one doesn't relax or sleep properly, renewal just can't happen!! While I rarely get angry with Mom, it's easy to feel exasperated with her behavior or some of the tasks that are part of the routine caregiving process.

Working all day and coming home to a husband and two kids is PLENTY to drive any woman to distraction without adding care for a LO who is slowly dying of AD!! You need some time for yourself - even an hour here and there is blessed!! Your primary obligation is to yourself and your children. Your husband is an adult and can mostly fend for himself. Your mother is not your primary responsibility yet has become so by default. With no other sibs to help you, you have to be true to all the members of your family whom you love and prioritize your time and energy to serve their needs as well as your own.

Is it possible to have caregivers in the evenings as well? Even during the week would be a blessing for you so that you could rest after YOUR hard day at work, give attention to DH and the boys and get some decent sleep so you can get up and do it all again tomorrow!!

I'm glad you found us and hope that you'll take some action on your OWN behalf because it isn't only your mom to whom you are important!!

Many blessings for all that you do in her service!

quote:

and we ALL wish sometimes that He didn't trust us quite so much.

He sure knows how to throw us curve balls, doesn't he!!! I guess it's all a part of this game called life. Makes us stronger, says the Lord. I'm really so glad to have written to this board...You are all so kind and I thank each one of you for your support. Blessings.

"When we forget how to laugh, we begin the slow process of dying"

Sometimes I can't help but laugh, not at her, but at the situation and YES sometimes she says or does the darnest thing and I just have to laugh. Sometimes I come to work and a co-worker who is in the same situation as myself, we share funnies about our moms and it does help us through the day. Thanks for your feedback.

quote:

Humor helps a lot. Try to find something to laugh about at least once a day

Laughter is so important.Having any disease to deal with does not mean we have to take each moment so seriously.
I recall the minister at my mothers service saying, "When we forget how to laugh, we begin the slow process of dying"Too many feel you have to become a zombie like person when dealing with the caring of another.
Laughter is good meds.

Hello icf!!
Humor helps a lot. Try to find something to laugh about at least once a day.
We all know that He never gives us more than we can handle - and we ALL wish sometimes that He didn't trust us quite so much!
Take care of yourself first. Venting is a big part of that - sometimes you just need to wail or scream; the kids, mom, your husband, and especially your far away siblings will not understand. We've been there (some of us have never left!), and we are here for each other and now for you. Come on back anytime.

Thank you everyone for your quick responses. I've emailed each one of you separately. Your words meant a lot to me and I so appreciate them. I need prayers for wisdom from above and I know that He does not give us more than we can bear. So,having said that, I will try and rest more in Him and let him take care of the rest. Blessings.

icf, hello and welcome.My mother was one who was always wanting to go home.I use to call it the peat and repeat syndrone It was not the home as we know it.For mother it was a time when she was younger and enjoyed the compfort of her family.She would get out of the house and start walking , any direction, just to go home
She was so determined to go to that place that had so much meaning to her.A place of happiness and compfort.
I use to tell her the heat was off or the weather was too bad for her to go home by herself.
It worked for a short time but they are unable to reason so the subject continued.
Many times I would take her for a ride, come back and say we were home.Trying to redirect her thoughts can help.Once my mother was given a different meds she stopped wanting to go home.
She does not know her home is where she is now because her memory has gone to a time before.
I would say ok, or later so many times a day.
If you are trying to reason with her on your mental capacity, it will not work.You learn to think how she thinks.When the subject of home comes up redirect her in asking her about things she did in the past.Anything you recall from her past, talk to her about it.
You have to understand she is not aware of time as you know it.Ask her anything you think she may remember of earlier times.Anger will not help her or you.
bIf possible, after work, allow a little time for your self to unwind.That will help.
How old are you children?Are they able to sit and distract her with conversation, etc.
They just want to be in the place where they felt compfort and safeness.A time they still recal with positive.
Is there a chance you and the family could have a night out away from the situation?
I tried never to make any decisions under stress.Not always the one we would have made .
Some here have found care facilities the way to go.For me, it was a failure.Not all is what we see and are told.Too many times our loved ones do not survive for any length of time in a facility.I was told medicare has it figured how long , most, afflicted live once placed.
With all you have to do , does hubby help you around the house?Just curious.
Could it be possible that meds could help you with your stress?I say this because many become depress and over whelmed with the responsibilty of caring for another.Not always what the person is doing , over and over, but how we deal with stress in general.If she has funds for a carefacility, why not consider a week of respite in a good facility.That can help.

Welcome in Isy glad to meet you
This is the hardest area some of us deal with from day to day and Ill be honest it can be so completely frustrating to keep hearing "I want to go home" cause like BC said it could be anywhere in the world even if what they are specifically asking for is right there.
I had a patient recently keep asking to go home she thought she was in the hospital she knew who I was but kept wanting to go to the home on D st. no matter what I showed her to reinforce thats exactly where she was it still didnt make a difference....Paintings, view from her window she adored, pets she had, different rooms, even her husband.
So you do the next best thing, you redirect attention elsewhere whether its a story, a treat, a tv program or tape, music she enjoys to get her off the subject of "home".
I think the thing you have to honestly ask yourself is are you up for this journey.
You can not allow guilt to factor in this no matter what.
If you are not CG material thats not a sin dear thats just a fact.
Some folks are born caregivers some folks arent and some folks learn just to cope which isnt good for either one of you or your family.
In a perfect world your mom would not hold this against you thats a simple fact. With all you have on your plate already with 2 boys a husband and a job/household to run now a mother to care for....
What I can tell you is this is one of the hardest parts for a caregiver to handle.
Giving care to a person like activities of daily living (getting them up and fed showered and dressed medicated etc.) is one thing.
The art of redirection of conversation is always hard to handle for any one of us on any given day simply because what may work one day may not work on another
If at all possible I would say to try out a NH situation/B&C facility for mom, if you dont like it you can always bring her right back home with you.
If you can afford (or moms insurance can afford) why not get a CG in there during the times you are there? Thats another idea. Or pay for an extra 1-2 hours after you get home so that you can get your normal routine going before they leave for the day.
And please Isy dont expect that PCP to guide you, all he can offer to you is ideas, they have limitations to what they can say and do....you must be the one to make the final decision for mom.

Hi icf, Welcome here. Many here share that difficulty of a Loved One constantly asking for "home". It is hard to tell which "home" they mean, only that they don't feel that they are home. For some it means their childhood home, for others it means where they were young adults and raising their own families, or where they most recently lived, or even home with God. We have members here who care for their parent in that parent's home and the same plea is made.

I hope you will read here. Her neurologist cannot know what will happen, but does have some experience in this. I, too, would be very uncomfortable hearing this. Still, it will not help her for you to drive yourself into the ground with this. I feel that when you have young children, it is extremely important to be there for them. There is no way to make this easy. Perhaps the experiences of others will relieve your stress enough for you to clear your head, but quilt will not help you, her, or your family.

Good to meet you,