My Mother who is 86 has a working diagnosis of Dementia without Behavior Disturance. When she got this diagnosis two years ago was living by herself and drove a car. The doctor told my sister and I that she need to stop living alone and driving. I live in a city 100 hundred mile north and my sister lives 100 miles south of my mother. So for the past two years she has been on a "Visit" at my sister.My mother continuly insisted the she needs to go home back to her house She is phyisically very healthly but she has irreveriable, progressive memory disorder. This is my question soon she will moving to live with me pernmently. Should I cotinue telling her she is here on a "visit" and just work around the times she wants to wants to go back home. There are times where she starts to get very up set that she can not go back to her home.Most of the time she is fine being away but always thinks it is "visit" OR should I just tell her this where she is living and she is not go back to live alone.Is there medication she should take for times she becomes aggitated for being away from her home. At the moment my sister has DPOA should that be changed to me now that I will be the primary caregiver?

When you tell them, most of the time they don't remember later.

Just yesterday our LO called from the nursing home to let me know that one of the staff members from her facility was there and was going to give her a ride back to her apartment. Huh? "Yes, I've been in the hospital." THE HOSPITAL? "I've been in the hospital for four months, but they are letting me go back to my apartment."

Got her to pass the phone to the attendant. She had been in the lunch room, and the attendant was helping her back to her room when she asked to use the phone. We *think* her deal was that she had a temporary roommate there for rehab who returned to her apartment yesterday. She didn't raise a fuss when taken to her room, though and didn't bring it up again. She still bring up her apartment and her car occasionally, or will tell the staff she needs help getting dressed because her son (my husband) is coming to take her home.

Then, got another call later in the day because she was concerned because her mother (deceased over 30 years now) had taken one of her nieces and my youngest daughter fishing and hadn't come back yet. (The niece is now in her 60s, and my daughter is a teenager. They've never met.)

The end of the conversation my husband could hear (me) went like this:
"Don't worry. M. is home and safe. She's watching t.v." ... "No, they didn't catch anything." ... "No, I didn't get to talk to your momma but I'm sure she'll tell you about it when you see her next." The look on my husband's face was classic.

You learn to go with the flow of wherever they are at that moment.

Welcome, Robin! Sorry I missed your post... musta been out to lunch that day!

Learning to live with Mom again can be challenging. Learning the fine art of redirecting conversation, therapeutic lying, etc. will help you cope with your mom not understanding things. The asking of questions over and over and over again drives ALL of us batty, but you will learn to tune it out. In most cases, your reaction the 75th time your mom asks you a question should be the same as the first. Sometimes there is no rhyme nor reason to the questions and we just have to be patient; but other times, our LOs may be anxious about a topic so it's wise to try to "probe" a little to see what's beneath the repeated verbiage. Like if your mom frets about needing to go home over and over again, ask her what is worrying her... In my Mom's case, it was always her car. She hadda get home because her car was there or it is fixing to storm and she needs to park her car under shelter, etc. She hasn't had a car since 1999!!! So my husband has already parked it in the carport or it's in the shop having an oil change or any other lie that springs to my lips! ANYTHING to ease her mind is fair. Even though your mom may be adrift in space and time, you will learn that there's a kind of sense to her behavior and concerns.

It's also VERY common for folks to want to "go home." Sometimes when you ask them where "home" is, they will name someplace they haven't lived since childhood, etc. My mom is pretty much always in the small town in Alabama where our family comes from, even though she hasn't lived there in many, many years!! Sometimes when people are anxious about going home, it's a way of expressing that they are uncomfortable with or about something. "Home" as best as I have been able to figure it, is a place where one felt happy and safe and loved and comfortable and secure. So when Mom starts fretting about wanting to go home, my concern is to TRY to find out what's upsetting her - sometimes she doesn't feel well and cannot express that directly, so this is a way of telling me she's not okay.
I HOPE that as difficult as I know this will be for you, that you take plenty of time to soak up the small joys along this last path we walk with our moms.

Hi Robin,
I agree with Bunnysgirl. Tell her it's a visit. It's useless to upset her.

The DPOA is very important for you to have especially for medical reasons. Otherwise they will need your sister's signature and permission also to do just about anything.

Glad you found this site. The BEST place to come for help or, directions on where to get help.

There are so many experienced and very caring members.

Give yourself a pat on the back for this undertaking. You are now a very special person; a "Caregiver" .

Robin welcome in glad you found us

And welcome to the toughest job you'll ever love
If this "visit" explanation works I say go for it what works for one person may not work for another I usually redirect attention to other things when difficult subjects come up sometimes a little ice cream doesnt hurt either
Seriously though Im guessing shes going to have her own room yes?
Can you try decorating it in the same manner her original bedroom was?
This helps an awful lot if you can manage it Does she have her old bedspread still, pictures that were in her room, even furnishings if you still have them...
As for the DPOA and POA I personally feel those should be kept with the primary CG it makes it much easier, you can also be co signers with your sister but with this amount of distance I feel that they should be transferred to you personally.
How does your sister feel about it?
Is she going to be an active participant in this? Will she be able to drop what she is doing at a moments notice to attend to the legal aspects of this?
You are at least going to need moms DPOA for her new Doc so that does need to get transferred to you.
There are others here that share this responsibility with their siblings Im sure they will have something to say.
For me I am the signer of my MIL on both her DPOA and POA and my hunny prefers it that way he knows no matter what decision I make regarding his mom its both researched and talked about openly with him no matter what plus he cant detach from the situation as well so it makes it hard for him to do that part of the task.

Robin, Welcome to ECO. There are good points to keeping with the story of a visit, You can always tell her later that it is working out so well you would like her to stay permanently. But chances are if you tell her it is for good, you will have to tell her again tomorrow, and the next day, and each time she may become upset about her home. I know it seems deceitful to let her live a fantasy, but when she moves in with you, home might become your sister's place. Home might even be where she grew up by now.

I think you might tell her how much you like having her and ask her to make it permanent. You will get some hints about where to take it from there. Nice to have you join us.