I am new at this. My father has had Alzheimers for a few years. Him and Mom were dealing with it. They didn't change anything until 2008. They use to spend 6 months in Oregon and then 6 months in Arizona. The going back and forth just got to hard on Mom. Dad wasn't able to drive and she found the driving to be to much for her alone. I have a house in Georgia. I have had it on the market for the last year and a half. I was planning on moving to Oregon once it sold. Well, about a month ago my Mom called on a saturday and just seemed at her wits end with everything. So, I gave up my job and flew to Oregon. I have been staying with them for about two weeks now. My mother is enjoying having me their but my father seems to be agitated by my being their. He gets worse everyday. I don't know how to defuse the situation. I don't plan on living with them forever. I am just waiting for my house to sell and my husband to join me. I have explained this to Dad over and over again. I just don't know how to make him understand and make him comfortable with me around. He is use to it being just the two of them. I would love some suggestions if anyone has them. Someone did suggest to my Mom that we just tell Dad there has to be some changes or he will have to go into a home and I don't want to do that. I think that would be the worst thing we could do to him. No one likes to feel threatened. So help pleas.

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Try not to have any expectations. It is natural for our species, to attach outcomes to all situations we are in

I think our own goals and expectations may be the major cause of care giver stress if sleep deprivation isn't it. We want to win and feel like failures if we don't. We have to establish a new standard of success, like making it through the day without breaking anything we wanted to keep.

I like the breathing exercise, we must breathe.

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With a little time, you will start to get a handle on it, and it will not hurt as much.

That's exactly right. A routine that works for both the caregiver and the person getting care make a difference in a situation that's difficult at best. You hear it here all the time but it still bears repeating: Take care of yourself, too. Can't nurse someone else if you let tension and exhaustion tax your resources. :-)

Dear vc,

Maybe this will help. I spoke with my father's doctor last month, and he explained the effects of dementia on the brain. I am going to assume AD is similar in this regard.

Dementia patients seem to be in a plateau for a time, then all of a sudden, there is a significant and permanent change in their cognitive abilities. This process is ongoing and repetitive.

It sounds like this is what has happened since March, to your father. It is quite shocking to experience this change with a loved one. Unfortunately, this will most likely be an ongoing theme.

Try not to have any expectations. It is natural for our species, to attach outcomes to all situations we are in. I am really bad at it myself, being the control freak that I am.

I am trying to figure out for myself how "to be" in my current circumstance. Sometimes I am happy with my response, other times I hate myself with a vingance that is unfathonable.

We only get one shot at this, there are no do- overs. If you can remember that, it might help you to gauge your feelings and reaction.

So do the 5-5-5, breath deeply through your nose, at a count to five, then breath out through your mouth at a count to five. Do this five times, five times a day. This will help your blood pressure and release endorphins to calm you.

With a little time, you will start to get a handle on it, and it will not hurt as much.

Rebecca A.K.A. Desperate

Welcome to ECO. Both to vcbails and Desperate.

vc, you are getting some good info here. I suspect you father was already agitated before you got there with the way your mother was getting stressed. He says they were doing just fine and you Know they were Not. I know it hurts when he sees you as a butting in stranger, and knowing he can't help it doesn't take away the sting.

Who ever told you to threaten to put him in a home is way off base. He won't remember what the threat was, or why, but he will continue to experience his reaction to the threat when he is around the source. He may one day need to be in a home, so let's not bluff, it won't help things a bit.

Now, he seems resentful of your presence. There will always be changes when another person comes in to the household but it may help to think of what changes you brought that change his routine. Talk with your mother about what the daily routine was when it was just the 2 of them. See if there are changes that increase his confusion and any way to return him to his comfort zone.

This is a bit far fetched, but if your clothing style and colors are very different from your mother's he may see you as an invader or out of place for a while..

Truly you are there for your Mom and it is wonderful that it is bringing you closer. Every coin has 2 sides. There are a lot of excellent articles here to help us understand their behavior and advice on adjusting our own to survive this.

http://www.ec-online.net/alzchannel.htm

I hope you will find some help in at least one of them.

Now, Rebecca, you sound very caring, and knowlegable. I do hope you will start your own thread so we can get to know you better.

Welcome again to both of you.

I am trying to hang in there for my Mom. I knew when I came that I was coming more for her than him. It just hurts when someone ask when are you leaving and does it repeatedly. I can't make him understand that my husband will be here as soon as we sell the house. Another thing is he says they don't need any help. Says they were doing just fine before I got here. I am trying to not take it personally. He doesn't even remember any of us kids. In March we had such a good visit he trusted me and now its like he can't stand me being around. I know he's not the Dad I grew up with and it isn't his fault. Mom has grown weary and her fuse has gotten shorter but she is trying to not be so short with him. One thing is this is drawing my Mom and me closer. Thanks for the advise and encouragement. I know we aren't in this alone and it helps to have someone to talk to that is there or has been there.

Dear vcbails,

I am also a new member. My name is Rebecca, although a great deal of the time I feel desperate.

I agree completely with SnowyLynne, that trying to reach your father, will only make you crazy. It is the most difficult thing in the world to see your parent not able to understand or respond in the way that we all remember our parents. It is sad at best.

Try to remember, that you are doing a wonderful thing. You are there for your father, and most important, you are there for your mother. A nurse whom I spoke with recently, who also had cared for her father, told me that the patient is usually fine, it is the caregiver who usually has the melt down. With that in mind, I would focus on giving your mother as much love and support as possible. Your mother has been there 24/7, watching the love of her life change in ways she never thought possible.

For yourself, if you believe in prayer, just pray for strength and understanding.

I believe that everyone in this particular situation, is doing an extraordinary thing, especially when it is most difficult.

I wish you the best. Remember, you are not alone.

Rebecca

Howdy vcbails welcome in
SL is right whoever gave that advice doesnt know about AD you cant make them understand they dont retain information like a normal adult.
You can sit there and explain to him he seemingly will get it but 5 or 10 minutes later poof the info is gone not to return and the repeating process begins
Sweetheart there will come a time when it wont matter anymore to him whether your there or not so just let this part slide like water off a ducks back.
Yes he is used to being with just mom but this is only because when they are at this stage there are only one or 2 people they trust and that is usually the people that live within the house with them and they see them on a daily basis.
Give it time he will warm up to you, for now just be there for mom to help her.
I hope all goes well and the adjustment doesnt take too long, any of us that deal with AD know this part real well and can sympathize with you its an awful feeling thats sometimes so overwhelming and hurtful considering your bonds.
Dont despair just give it time and ignore the bad.
Again welcome in

You can't make him understand as he is unable to anymore.Like beating a dead horse.......Redirect him with everything or he'll drive you nuts......Just remember he can't remember so don't try to force something that can't be done.Accept it & go on.......