I just am kind of at my limit. I haven't been on for a few weeks. I am not reading my Bible, devotional or regular books. Not excersing. It is necessary for me to give up my ministry for now. I just am not coping well right now. I love my God and love my ministry. I miss not working out. It is as if I have lost my drive to do anything but take care of my Mom. I love her but don't like her now. She is sullen, demanding and an over all unhappy person, who expects others to provide her everything. She hates me to leave if even for a few minutes. I don't know what is real in her brain or what is not?? Therefore, I never know what I can say or do?? Sorry ..............

Laurie, how kind of you! Honest - I'm really not "all that," but I did my best for Mom and am doing the same thing now as I reorder my own life after her death. This is probably the most challenging thing that most of us will ever do in our lives and all of us need all the help we can get!

Moms_Buddy,

I just wanted to say to you....you are so awesome and such an inspiration to me! Thank you for taking the time to contribute what you have learned through your caregiving experiences.

I just had to say "thanks".

Laurie

quote:

Thank you sooooo very much for taking all this time for someone you know nothing about.

I read here for about a year before I could muster up the mettle to post without bawling all over my keyboard. The folks here are the best. The inspiration from the words, experiences and stories folks have shared here has kept me going more times than I can count. I literally would not have made it through without them. If I could, I'd knock on each member's door just to give them a hug or hand on a rough day!

Hold your head up high, snugcare. I think caregivers are a rare species of humans who, despite all odds, fight the good fight knowing we'll lose the person for whom we care in the end. Many people would not even attempt a task with those odds! BUT, what we GAIN, in the meantime, is understanding, compassion and knowledge that doesn't come any other way. It's a good deal all around, IMHO.

How beautiful and uplifting all of your wonderful notes have been to me. I read and re-read them and find something new to absorb each time. Things are going better. I find, as was suggested, that some of my anger comes from anger at me about my feelings, what I can and cannot do, etc. That was quite a realization for me. And each day a must remind myself of that often. I am beginning to learn what I can say and cannot say to Mom now. What I can and cannot do with her. what expectations I can and cannot have of her in our home. What helped also is that I need to stop looking at her as MOM and begin to see her through different, although loving eyes. Thanks again. This forum has been such a wonderful help to me. God bless all of you for taking time out of your busy lives to share.

Snug care, most who come here have experienced what you are feeling.
Find a passage in the bible that will help you in this time of need.
One that comes to mind is father forgive them for they know not what they do.
We remember them as they once were and then , out of the blue, changes .Try not to take any verbal rages to heart.Try to take what she says with a grain of salt.
Pay attention to how she responds to things and you will find a way to redirect your responses in a different way.
Anger, famous word for most caregivers.I wonder , sometimes, if the anger is not at our selves.Why is this happening, why do I respond the way I do.Why me, I should be able to do this or do that.All our success are through trial and error.We expect miracles of our selves.
When you feel over whelmed, leave the room.Think about what she is saying or doing.Think about away you can turn things around for a more positive for her and you.
It is a learning experience and no one shoe fits all.
To have faith in your god you have to have faith in your self.You cannot have one with out the other.How would you tell others to deal with your situation.use this to help you.
Have faith that you will find the answers to help you get through each day.

Oh gosh, There was so much to learn and practice. It was like going back for a second BA. Even things which I had learned from elsewhere (There have been some dang sharp knives in the drawer of people in Mom's life)I have had to keep her team working together. Calls at 7PM from the on duty person panicing that Mom can't decide what she wants for dinner YOU MEAN YOU ASKED HER??? What do you want?? NONONONONO, Would you like salmon cakes for dinner? NO?, OK, I can fix some chicken and gravy for you, be right back.

Choices about meals are a lovely way to keep them from feeling like they have not lost all control over their lives, but A or B is very generous.

Would you like the weather channel? OK, TV land looks good tonight, we'll watch Andy Griffith. Never, what do you want to watch!!, she has no clue about 100 channels..There was no TV when she was a child and when there was, there were 3 channels. Keep it simple. A. if not A, then B.

Doctors appointments (creative timing) why should they fret for days or weeks? "Good morning, time to get cleaned up and go see the doc, (or go to the lab, or have a visit from home health),, this blouse looks great with your blue skirt, right?, everyone says so. Perfect for spring." and out the door. no frret no fuss.

Redirecting Mom's attention is a bit more of a challenge than I thought. It is rare that she becomes obsessive but it has happened recently. She fixated on a cousin of hers and was certain that we were supposed to attend a funeral. I really didn't know anything much about this cousin, but I was sure she passed away several years ago. I would make pacifying remarks and talk about something else. She would bring it back up. Once I found the date of death, 2001, and was able to tell her that she and Daddy did go to the funeral, she was fine and it hasn't been brought up again.

There are no hard fixed rules, maybe life left out important things when you were a child in her house, but we aren't children now.

You are not alone.

quote:

Perhaps for a while, your ministry has a different face.

Ah BC Preach it baby that gave me the chills!

Hello, Snugcare. MB and BG have covered the lion's share of saving your sanity and the peace in your home. Now comes putting it into practice (and it does take a lot of practice before it becomes part of the routine).

My mother lives in her home with 24/7 (I am captain of "Team Mama"). Even though she doesn't have AD, she has difficulty with short term memory, vision, hearing, mobility, and expressing herself. There has been decline (and thus adjustments) slowly but surely in all areas in the last 5 years. All of the tools mentioned about redirecting, limiting choices, detachment, note keeping, therapeutic lying, creative timing, and assigning appropriate tasks have been helpful. For us, the biggesst challenge has been to boost her spirits and keep her from feeling shut out of (or in from) the world she was so much a part of.

A good friend's Mom does have AD and she has been amazed how her mom will respond to some of these tools that I have been able to share. Truth,,,this job hurts, its hard, but you can survive it. It is also rewarding beyond belief.

quote:

Thank you sooooo very much for taking all this time for someone you know nothing about.

I know you were speaking to MB, but I am going to comment on that, anyway. Maybe we don't know all about you, maybe we have never met, but we do know something about you. You are one of us, and ECO can help you, and we want to. Why?, I can't speak for everyone, but this is a ministry for some of us. Caring for our loved ones, caring for care givers, sharing the good moments as well as the hard ones. It takes one to know one, welcome here. Perhaps for a while, your ministry has a different face.

Od dang MB Well said! *bowin to the priestess*
SC if theres one thing Iv learned here it is to give props where props is deserved.
You have stepped up and taken the reins of cg to your mom lets reflect on that for a moment.....
You made that choice why? Maybe because you knew you could do it better than say a facility?
Well your absolutely right.
2nd task at hand:
God is everywhere he aint just in a building you need not travel to find him he finds you...move a rock he is there split a piece of wood he is there.....
As MB said pick a spot to find your center, mine is in the garage where I set up an office and everyone knows not to disturb me while Im holed up there. This is where I reflect collect my thoughts meditate to calm the bear inside me that can take a head off with relative ease if provoked *its not a pretty sight*
Caregiving is a one way road my dear it does not bend to our will we bend with it first lesson....if your mom has a disease such as AD theres but one thing you can do....that is to detach and not take things so personally.
If you feel yourself getting upset/losing it you have not detached.
When you feel this happening walk away take a deep breath or 3 let whatever it is that bothered you just fall away for you can not control this journey you can only try to make it better and easier to deal with.
You can not hold anything against her for she knows not what she does says or screams.
If you havent already please make an appt for her and get her diagnosed that is the first step to finding some kind of normalcy for her.
Do you have a notebook? If not get one its one of the best things you can do.
Write down her behaviors, what times of the day they occur, is she hoarding things, hallucinating, OCD like tendencies (yes this matters) it will tell the treating Doctor whether to put them on psychotropic class drugs or not if she does indeed have AD.
Does she get physically combative, wander, sundown?
All these behaviors that are not "normal" write down it can mean the difference between getting treated properly or not.
Trust me you really need to step back and look at your mother as if she was a stranger to you not the woman who she is right now or even the woman she was when you were growing up it serves no good purpose.
My MIL had existing Psychosis to begin with so AD drugs alone like Aricept and the like had a negative affect on her and sometimes Psychosis and AD do go hand in hand so it is imperative you get her correctly diagnosed and on the right meds.
I often refer to the time we put my MIL on this class of drugs as the first time I met my MIL, it made all the difference in the world along with the support I got from our cg family here, for this is where true sanity prevails.
Without these people here I wouldnt be here and I certainly wouldnt be the caregiver I am today
Every single time you stumble please reread what MB posted to you
(((hugs)))

What an amazing response. I will read and reread your thoughtful answer. Thank you sooooo very much for taking all this time for someone you know nothing about.

Snugcare, welcome to the world of eldercare! It is difficult for many folks to understand that the negative behaviors exhibited by many elderly people are usually not from a source which can be helped. When people are afflicted with progressive brain-destroying diseases, the areas of the brain affected have a large impact on behavior. The short version is that she cannot help her behavior. Knowing that doesn't change having to deal with it, but it DOES help one to realize that is isn't personal. This is what the disease process does to MANY elderly people and it's no fun with which to deal. They DO become self-centered because that's all they can manage to focus upon (and they don't do that very well...). They do not behave that way out of choice, but from the effects of the diseases that afflict them.

The first order of business is to get a good, solid diagnosis of what's ailing her. If she has AD or any of the other conditions which produce dementia symptoms, there are some meds which can help smooth out her behavior and help her (and you) feel more comfortable.

People with AD do not learn well at all; in fact, it's one of the hallmarks of the disease. They lose what they know and mix things up in ways one could not imagine! They forget how to do ADLs, then how to walk and even how to chew or swallow. Your best resource is to read, read, read the experiences of others and about dementia symptoms. You will not be able to relate to your mother the way you have always done because she is not the same. You will have to learn skills like redirection, offering choices to which there is only ONE reply, therapeutic lying, giving SIMPLE instructions to her (only ONE thing at a time), etc. You have to restructure your expectations of her and stop expecting behavior from her that she can no longer deliver. If she loves animals better than people now, great! That's a rich social resource for her!

When caring for an elderly person who is afflicted with disease, one must remember: it's all about their care. Whatever makes them happy, within reason, is what we strive to deliver. Whatever issues you may have had in the past are over. Done. There is no making up, no fixing, no discussion. Direct hands-on, 24/7 caregiving is NOT for everyone and there is NO crime in that!! I can assure you that NONE of us who have taken on this responsibility ALWAYS were the best daughters (or sons) we could be! Some days, I was brilliant; other days, I was p*ss-poor. Most of the time, I think I did a very good job. It takes a LOT of patience and self-understanding. Our attitudes and approaches change a lot over the course of the time we spend as caregivers. We learn to take a step back from the issues and realize that caregiving isn't really about our relationships with our loved ones - it's about caring for individuals who are being destroyed by disease. We learn to detach our personal feelings and emotions from the care of our loved ones - a tricky act to pull off!! Sometimes, they respond better to strangers than they do to us. We try not to let that hurt our feelings because after all - it doesn't matter WHO does it, so long as the job gets done! There are things that our LOs accept more easily from professionals and strangers than they do their children. Sometimes they rage at us and say hateful things... that's not them talking, that's disease.

As much as you can, try to put yourself in your mom's shoes. Think about how limited her life is and how that feels to her; how confusing things have become that she used to accomplish without even a thought; how angry and frustrated she feels with not being able to do things for herself the way she used to do. If I awoke in a new day every day and had trouble remembering "normal" stuff, I think I'd be hard to get along with, too!!

It's important to remember that you have to care for the caregiver FIRST, or the whole deal falls apart. Have a special place around your home for yourself to be ALONE - to reflect, to read, cry, think, shoot beercans, throw darts at photos of physicians and medicare workers - ANYTHING to help you unwind, destress and process all the feelings YOU have to put aside during the day. You will not be able to just "suck it up." That's a brain hemorrhage or heart attack in the making!! Having a good support group of people to talk with is everything. People who've "walked the walk, and talk the talk" are your new best friends. Try not to hate others who just fade into the woodwork... that's just part of it. Eldercare - the REAL thing - is NOT good dinner conversation and if people don't run from it in the manner that BG described, they ooze away like you announced that you have leprosy and your little finger just fell off in the mashed potatoes. Friends and even family get mighty scarce...

quote:

I am not reading my Bible, devotional or regular books. Not excersing. It is necessary for me to give up my ministry for now. I just am not coping well right now. I love my God and love my ministry. I miss not working out. It is as if I have lost my drive to do anything but take care of my Mom.

In every ministry, there are challenges. Try your best to get out and about with people who have a positive influence on you. Keep positive people around you!! You cannot "make" your mother happy or "fix" her. All you can do is care for her as well as you are able. NONE of us ever does EVERYTHING as well as we think we'd like it to be done. NONE of us remotely resembles "perfect."

I began each day with a little prayer I stole from a sci-fi book by Dean Koontz:

"Spare me so that I may serve."

I WAS spared and I DID serve. Now I gotta ask each day for MORE sparing so I can serve MORE!

My last remark to you, dear, is to remember to LAUGH. Despite all the sadness and pitiful events we are living through, there IS joy; there IS humour. NEVER miss an opportunity to smile, even if those around you seem to have forgotten how!! Good spirits start with each of us ALLOWING them entrance to our thoughts. Never miss a chance to smell a sweet flower or marvel at the color of a bird or to smile at how sweetly a cat or dog loves on its favorite person. There is sweetness and wonder all around each of us every day, everywhere. All WE have to do is find it!! The ONLY part of eldercare we have ANY control over is our own attitude.

Hope you feel better soon; if not, let Calgon take you away and remember to BREATHE!! Breathe in the nourishing goodness and blow out the bad stuff.

Many blessings to you for your loving care.