quote:

Originally posted by nvelletta:
Well, this is my first post. I am not sure how long or detailed it should be, I just know that I am at my wits end. Long story short or maybe not so short.
Mom is 82 and still lives alone. Dad passed away 4 years ago. Mom was always very sharp. informed, took care of business, care for ill father, very independent. All this changed starting about 2 years ago. At first small indications of memeory problems that have now progressed to not being able to repeat conversations or remember task that were done only minutes ago. Up until two weeks ago I have handled all of her affairs, care, doctors appts., taxes, bills etc. Had her in my home for 3 weeks in June with back problems. Had to leave to go to NY, mother-in-law was daiagnosed with breast cancer and scheduled for surgery. At this point I called my brother and "asked for a favor" in that he see about her while I was away. That was 2 weeks ago. FINALLY he understands what I have been trying to tell him for 3 years. I truly believe she has alzheimers.
Am now at the point where I know something has to be done. I have talked until I am blue in the face to her about in-home care, moving closer to me (she is 2 hours away), moving in with my husband and I (although at this point I do not see that as an option) She says she does not want to live with anyone, several months ago I hired and agency to have someone check on her and after the third visit she called and "fired" them. Said she was not going to have her daughter run her life. It had gotten to the point that my brother feels we should force the issue. I feel she will surely delcline very quickly and die if we do. GUILT, GUILT, why do I feel so guilty when I am only trying to help her. It has come to the point that she cannot make the decision on her own because her memory will not allow her to recall our conversation for more than a minute or so. Where to start?? I have a call into the local alzheimers assoc. office to speak with someone there. I know what needs to be done, but the thought of it almost paralyzes my thoughts. I am a nervous wreck. Where does one start to dismantle the remains of a 60 year marriage and the accumulation of 45 years of belongings in a home. So much sentimental stuff. It all seem so overwhelming. Seems there if just enough left of her mind to express the sadness and reluctance at making this type of change. Oh how I wish sometimes her and my father's life had been different. They were never really social people, and the friends they did have have passed or are in as bad a shape. She has no interest in visiting outside the home, in activities such as senior centers, church, nothing. Refuses to have meals on wheels, or any outside help at all. One day rolls into the next and the next. Her only lifeline has been my husband and I and now FINALLY a little help from my brother (who lives 2 minutes from her) and told me last evening he is ready to jump off a bridge. My reply "welcome to my world, now you know what I have been dealing with for the last 3 years alone!!!! (with the exception of my husband who has been very supportive of my constant road trips to see about her, having her in our home for extended visits, etc. Geez this has turned out long. I know you all have heard it before time and time again, but maybe there is someone out there who can offer some advice. I know the people at the alzheimers assoc. will be helpful in providing information, but would like real life info from those who have dealt with it or are now dealing with it. Any replies would be greatly appreciated.
I cannot seem to overcome the feelings of guilt at having my own life. I know she and my father made sacrifices for us throughout their life, but at age 50 I feel my husband and I should be enjoying some of the best years of our life, our children, our grandchild, travel, etc. I do not recall my parents giving up their entire life when my grandparents were unalbe to care for themselves. One grandmother lived in a ladys home the other was placed in a nursing home (soemthing I have always promised my mom I would never do.) Thanks for listening.......Nancy Velletta