I almost forgot my login and password.I have avoided being here as I have had so many changes.My husband has been put on Seroquel.The neurologist wants to tread lightly because of the medicines he takes for parkinsons.He has good days and bad.Is not able to accept that he is unable to go places by himself.He was told to stay out of the sun and yesterday he sat out and was unable to us his motor skills as was needed.He was delussional and his perception goes off with out warning.The temper reminds me of a spoiled child that cannot have his way. Mother has no good days.Tomorrow we start her on the same medicine the use for hyperactive children.Hope fully we will see some improvement.Her wanting to go home is more intense than ever.The giberish is almost none.When my daghter asked her what number comes before 15 she said 14 with no hesitation.Because of her behavior she is getting tension tightness in the back of her head near the neck.She wandered out this morning, first in so long.She has been none stop for 5 days and nights.Wanting to go home, hollering mother, and help, help.If I say we will go home in the morning , she asks , what time.If I tell her a time she gives me a hard time.If I tell her her mother is not home at that moment , that does not hold ice.She repeats more now than ever.She has an excellent appetite.She co operates with my daughter most of the time.But she does accuse her of the same things she does me.My aunt is good mentally but physically she has gone down hill.If she is not in pain she is experiencing stiffness.We are to begin a new medicine tomorrow.The one she has been taking dd nothing and caused a rash all over her body.The poor circulation has been her down fall.With all that has been going on and my lack of answers I felt I could be of on assistance to anyone on the forum.While going through the initial changes with my husband I could not deal with any thing that had to do with care giving.When I came here and saw what so many of you were experiencing I was unable to respond because I was dealing with much of the same and seeing the posts seemed to enhance my feelings of helplessness.There were days when I had a bug you know where and that would not benefit any one.I have no idea when and where ths journey will end.There were nights when I wanted to put mother and husband in a sound proof room and forget about them.my aunt was also in so much pain she was calling me 2 and 3 times a night.Instead of coming to the forum I have tried doing things that I like to do to rid my self of the anger and feelings that have been so powerful.Working in the yard is good.Any thing that is physical frees me mentally.If I did not have the help of my daughter, I would not be able to continue this journey.

Dochka, thank you for your kind words.I continue to care for the gentlemen with great success.He gives me as much as I give him.He has become more flexable and can see how much better life is for him.We have come to respect each other and that is so important.He trusts me and know I am there to make his life as good as possible.He is meeting me half way and that is difficult for him as he has always done things that he wanted to do even though they were destructive to him.WE ARE GOOD MEDICINE FOR ONE ANOTHER.Plus he sees I am one who knows how to do things and that gives him confidence in me.Told his doctor I come from better stock then he does.Rich but very disfunctional family.It all revolves around money and wasting and stealing etc. the parents did the hard work to become well established and the siblings have blown it to hell

Oh Mae! So great to hear from you!

Thanks for sharing your experiences. "Dad" is a very lucky man to have you on his side!

Always remember to take care of yourself! Glad to hear you have "furbabies" to give you lots of love and attention, isn't it amazing how that can help us so much?

Sending you lots of hugs!

good morning, it has been a while since I have posted but continue to come back and read what others are dealing with and how they find the courage to go forward.My experience as a caregiver allows me to feel the ups and downs you are facing.Now , as all three of my loved ones have passed away the difficult times of care giving are just a tool to help me understand the plight of what so many are dealing with each day.My worst was loosig them and trying to redefine my self as a person.The road to healing was a difficult one to say the least.I loss a year of my life because I was lost.
Thank god I have a doctor who stayed with me during that time.
To be honest, meds have been the answer for me.Took alot of trying various meds to get me back to being able to function again.Also educating my self to why I had such emotions that made my life stand still.But all that allowed me to further understand what loved ones go through when they are unable to cope or appreciate life .
I am now a caregiver for a gentlemen thatis 98 years of age.Sharp mind and so aware of the past and now.Has some physical problems and vision problems that prevent him from doing the things needed to give him some quality of life.In the beginning he was hesitantabout me and what my being there ment for his independence.Fought alot of things I did that was for his well being.He was not eating well, understatement, house not clean and he was not caring for himself.He is alittle bit of an introvert so my presence is limited to keep him from feeling imposed upon.His son reaped the harvest of his hard work and financial well being.They just did not take the time to care what was really good for this man.Just do what their dad wanted and be satisfied.The son has lived the good life off of this mans hard work and devotion to running a successful business.The enire family , his brothers children and his son have enjoyed the good life and did not care who they stepped on to get what they wanted.It has been four months and this man , whom I call dad, had come to trust me and know what I do is for his best interest.I am honest with him about his cleanliness and the conditions he was living.I told him if someone were to report the way he was living they would come to his home and not give a good report.Slowly but surely he has accepted me as a person who wants his life to be as good as possible.I am not intimidated by his sharp personality.I find away to turn his non cooperation into something he can see as being in his best interest.Because we both have lived in this area all our lives we have our hour of talk time.He has so much to share with me that I did not know about our home town.
I make him change his clothes and has accepted the fact that he has to wear protective under wear.He did not want to wear the medical alert around his neck, he refused.So one day I told him that he wants me to promise something and stand by my promise so he has to promise to wear the alert.He now wears it.I have continued to remind him that he has to care about his cleanliness and his appearance.He has cooperated in that area.I had to take him to the doctors and told him we are going there, both of us looking spiffy.He had a few grumblings but agreed with me.He wants to spend as much of his remaining years in his home.His son would have him in a masons home yesterday if he could.The daughter lives in Tenn but does care about his well being.I am honest with him and do not talk down to him.I try to instill in him how much he still has to offer those who will listen.When he tried to second guess what I have him do I just say dad, what did we agree on.If he is having a very bad day with his mood, I do what has to be done and tell him I am going to leave early and get out of his way.This gives him the space he needs to gather his thoughts and control of his behavior.
When we go to the doctor he is able to communicate with the doctor about his ills or non ills.I have to be careful that I do not try to make his life the center of mine.IF I WERE TO DO THIS I RELIEVE THE FAMILY OF ANY RESPONSIBILTYOF HIS WELL BEING.They know nothing about meds etc.THEY JUST PLAYED THE ROLE OF LOVING SON AND GRANDSON BUT DID NOT BACK IT UP WITH ACTION.I am just amazed with this kids who reap the harvest of the parents hard work but are so out of touch with every day things.The daughter and I get along very well.She is so down to earth.The son and grandson are another story.They seem to feel their financial status gives them sprecial respect in the community.Actually is it the direct opposite.The son tries to bull shit the baker to get a bun but am aware of how he has not had his dads best interest at heart.I told the daughter the first time one of them tries to pull rank on me and talk down to me, I am out of there.THEY SHOULD HOLD THEIR HEADS IN SHAME TO ALLOW THIS MAN TO LIVE AS HE HAD AND NOT SEE THAT HIS NUTRITIONAL NEEDS WERE BEING MET.I do what I can with the time i am with him.I do concern my self about his eating when I am not there.HAVE BEEN SEARCHING FOR AWAY TO KEEP FOOD HOT FOR HIS DINNER WITH NO LUCK.
I could not do this every day as I would take all responsibilty on my shoulders and that is not what I need.Plus it makes it too easy for his family.
THE ONE THING THIS HAS SHOWED ME IS THE POSITIVE THAT CAME FROM DEALING WITH DOCTORS ETC AS A CAREGIVER.I am not intimidated by his grumblings, nor the attitude of those who have financial well being and feel they are more superior.What I learned from this forum, from caring aides and those at the VA have helped me help this man who was in desperate need.HE HAS ALSO LEARNED SOMETHING.tHAT HE CAN NOT GET HIS WAY BY BEING INTIMIDATING AND THAT PEOPLE DO CARE ABOUT HIM AND NOT HIS WEALTH.
I call him dad with his permission.The doctor, a relative of his asked if he missed something along the way.the gentlemen sais he wanted to tell the doctor that I come from better stock then there family.So I knew he liked me as a person and knew I was more them someone who came in a few days a week just to get a pay check.i am honest with him and tell him he is free to be the same with me.But he has to respect me and what I say as I will him and be open to debate when it comes to what is best for him.
IT IS GOOD FOR ME TO GET OUT OF THIS BIG HOME.It has so many good and bad reminders.I need to be challenged and use the skills I have obtained through my caregiving.I need to give back what was given to me.Help and compassion.
I HAVE RESCUIED A DOG AND KITTEN.
I also have become addicted to a game called Farm Town.But have put that into perspective also.Cannot fill a void spending valuable time on the computer.Life continues to be a learning lesson.MY HEART CONTINUES TO FEEL THE EMOTIONS OTHERS DEAL WITH WHEN TRAVELING THE ROAD OF CARING FOR ANOTHER.

Mae, we thank the heavens for Greta, the lady who visits my Mom from the Senior Peer Support Group. She just comes by as a friend to visit her. No nagging about exercise or diet, no taking her pulse or checking her breathing. Greta just sits down and they chat. It sounds like a small thing but it's really a big deal, especially since Greta is closer to Mom's age than we are and understands her position better. I'll bet you'd do great if you helped with a program like that. Do they have one in your area? (I hope you feel better soon!)

I recall thinking how nice it would be to do what you want when you want, ot do just nothing.I have learned they are just words.When you care for loved ones for so long you have no time to plan for lofe after.Or you cannot find anything that gave you the challenge and satisfaction as being responsible for anothers well being.You never get a chace to see the trees through the forest.Also ones age makes the difference.You have people who tell you got to the museum, go her , go there.Good intentions but that is not who I am.I am a hands on person who needs to be challenged and loves making a differnce for others.
I went to get blood work today as I have lymes disease, again.Signs this time on the back of my leg at the crease.Sick as a dog.I was talking to the person drwaing blood and she told me I may want to consider volunteering at the hospital.I WOULD RATHER DO THE ONE ON ONE WITH COMPANION.I have adopted a rescued toy poodle.Her name is pepe.She is blind in one eye and has problems with the other.She is the sweetest baby that has come into my life.Spoiled and has to be with me at all times.I even purchased a car seat for her.

I'm so glad you have a good doc who's working with you and some answers to try. I feel I totally understand what you're going through since I had undiagnosed stomach problems about thirteen years ago and managed to reach severe depression between the pain and being bounced from doctor to doctor for months on end. It really, really helped when I finally had someone who took it seriously and referred me to a gastroenterologist. Once I had meds to manage it and a healer who actually listened to what I was complaining of and diagnosed it, boy, that helped A LOT! :-)

AFTER A YEAR OF TESTING AND TRIAL AND ERROR, MY GP AND ENT SPECIALIST BELIEVE i AM SUFFERING FROM GLOBUS HYSTERIOUS.I am on meds for depression and anxiety.Have to watch my diet and am on Prilosec and Zantac.I also notice the sympom is worse when I am alone and under stress.Nightime is the worst.I so hope this is the anser as this year has been one I never wat to relive.To say I was lost in space is an understatement.I hit rock bottom which is not a nice place to be.Thank god I have my doctor who told me from the start we will find the answers and give meds when she felt they would work.It was much testing , trial and much error in meds but I do believe we are on the right track.I feel as though I am living again
One of the meds I am taking is for Cricopharynegal spasms.Most of the spasms have gone.Only left with the lump feeling in throat.

One thing that i see that never changes.There are those who give nothing but lip service when you are in the trenches and when it is done all they continue to do is give lip service.
No hands on but have all the answers.I keep wondering how they know so much when they have not walked in anothers shoes, tried them on or thought of someone besides them selves.The older I get the more I am able to see.Accept it is their problem and not mine.To have to transfer all their guilt onto anothers tells me they have issues to deal with.They are not able to give of them selves.So if you did such and gave it all you had to give, you become a threat to them.I say, the truth will set them free.

Thank you Mae, that is beautiful and on time. It is good to hear from you.

Something Wonderful
by Ralph Marston


Something wonderful will come from this.


Something of great value is already taking shape.



In every disappointment, there are fertile seeds

of accomplishment.
In times of pain, there

are opportunities arising for magnificent joy.



When you are making your way through the dark

and lonely valley, keep going.
Keep going and

you'll soon reach the place where you begin

to climb out and up toward the mountaintop.



Allow your difficulties the opportunity

to give you strength.
Let the tough times

make the good times much more rewarding

than they otherwise would have been.



Be truly thankful for each opportunity

to more fully appreciate life's goodness.


And be confident that the goodness

is always there.



Know that something wonderful will

come from this. And it will.

This was sent to me in a time of need.

Im sorry Mae does he do these things in front of your daughter? Or does he pull this when shes not there to witness?
There is something called "My House, My rules"
Or a lil sign I picked up many moons ago:
"One way....MINE"
If he cant get that through his head he wasnt raised with MANNERS OR to have RESPECT FOR HIS ELDERS. In either case a nice butt chewin aint outta line!
Forget your manners in my house theres a whole list of things that come outta my mouth.
Im a gentle soul but you cross that line with me I get pretty bent outta shape myself.
Son needs to remember hes a GUEST in YOUR home NOT the boss if he cant comprehend that theres the door dont let it hitcha where the good Lord splitcha.

Momsbuddy, you are so wise.i HAD A PURPOSE FOR SO LONG AND THEN EVERY ONE WAS GONE.nOT EVERY DAY WAS A GOOD DAY BUT U8NDER SO CALLED NORMAL CIRCUMSTANCES DAYS ARE BAD.

After the holidays I plan to seek professional help.I never in my life thought anxiety could hit you so hard.I knew I would have problems moving forward but not this bad..The void in my life left with the loss of each was not to be.I was ascting out side but inside something else was happening.
My children are so good to me but I cannot make them my life.I still am not interested in any thing that gives me that special feeling.
I am so different then I was before all the care giving.It made me a better person but have not found away to use what I learned and felt.It is though you do not know where you belom.Who I am and what is my purpose.
My daughter and her husband with their animals have moved in with me.I thought that wold help them and in return help me.The animals and my daughter are great, my son in law is as anial as they get.I have not had a blow up with anyone in years , except those who were not giving my loved ones the attention they deserved.
I had a verbal blow up woth my son in law that shocked even me.I had warned them I was not going to be an emotional prisoner in my own home.He did not see to understand this.Lets say I did not hold anything back.It was not my emotional stste of mind that caused the blow up , it was his need to control and runs hot and cold like nothing I have never experienced.
Anial only describes him.
He may do one nice thing , I praise him and then he runs cold as ice.
I made my house more then accomadating for them but nothing satisfies him.His is the type of person, if he gets hot under the collar that will tell my daughter we are moving.
I told my daughter I HAVE NEVER SEEN ANYONE LIKE HIM.Everything has to be his way and I walk on pins and needles.
I told my daughter I am not going to live like this and things may change very quickley.
My boys tried to warn me but I felt I was strong enough and mature enough to meet him half way.There is no half way with him.
I may have gotten rid of so much stuff to make room for them but that will not keep me from doing what is best for me.My daughter is caught in the middle and I do not want this for her.
They are good together because he is threatened by me or anyone else they takes attention away from him.Her being happy with him is good for her but does not mean I have to take his anial behavior.
I thought I had given this alot of thought.They wanted to move here.But I cannot stand a man who behaves like a spoiled child.
I know this sounds like a mother and so in law thing.It is not.I get along with my daughter in laws just fine.All my boys kept telling me he is anial.
I guess desperate people do desperate things.
One thing he is learning is I have a mouth and he has forced me to use it.
My daughter loves being here.If her husband leaves she will follow and I understand that.
I intend to seek help but I really believes he needs help for different reasons.

Edna Mae, I am so glad you are wise enough to reach out when you find yourself in trouble. This is no small task you have recently completed. Caregiving by its very nature causes us to disconnect with our feelings and hole up inside. Feelings are like light switches - they are either on or off. You turn off the pain switch but the joy light doesn't come on either. Spending as much of your LIFE as you have done caregiving leaves you almost non-functional in "the world." It isn't enough to simply go through the motions of life, hoping that one day you'll actually FEEL alive again... Ya gotta blow out all the feelings you've been quietly stuffing away (for like HOW MANY years?) to make some room for joy to creep its way back into the void. You may not feel comfortable expressing all these things to your family or friends - a therapist IS a safe, trained listener.

Hang in there, m'friend. As you know, I'm hot on your heels... the "old hands" at caregiving have become the greenhorns at recovering lives interrupted. We'll make it through, dear - one day at a time.

bg , YOU ARE SO WRITE IN WHAT YOU HAVE STATED ABOUT DOING THE DUMB THING THAT WAS GOING THRIOUGH MY HEAD.That is exactly what prevented the action that was on my mind.For an instant I was seeking a quick fix fro my self with no consideration of the consequences.In that same instant sanity, for a better word sat in and the pills went down the toilet and i called for help.Help from a friend who was in a serious accident so many years ago and had the same feelings.
The sad thing was I wanted life so badly buy was allready feeling dead in side .
But that does not excuse my selfeshness in not thinking about my family .
I will do what it takes to get my head back to where it belongs.
I have spoken with my children and explained the point I was at that very moment and know it would have not dent a good mesage from a mother to her loved ones.They have been with me through the bad and too want me to get better.
I thik , at this time, how dare I place them in the same stste of mind that I felt when loosing a loved one.
I know I have to talk with a specialist that can give me some perspective and get me to the right way to deal with my feelings and turen things around.
This did not happen over night and will take time.
Thank you for the harsh reality check and the kind words.Neither go un noticed and will be used in the days to come

Mae, everything BG just said rings the bell, but I do think this as well... for me caregiving has still been more of a blessing than a curse, so if I had a child willing to be with me as I journeyed on, NO WAY would I shut them out by checking out. (I hope I will provide them with ALL appropriate paper work ).

Hurray, you hung in thre, called a friend and saw it through. God Bless you, my dear.

Mae I was gonna suggest a dog but it looks like your kinda inheriting one there after all.
Honey when something like this happens to anyone of us your gonna hear me scream from the rooftops....STOP! STEP BACK! BREATH!
Sweetheart you can not stop depression without help, that much I know, its physical, mental, you can slice it with a knife but I want you to think about this whenever you feel this come over you....S'cuse me while I beat the proverbial horse....
What you leave behind. You just dont know unless you have been in those shoes trust me.
The horror of finding a person whos committed suicide never leaves a person. Death is one thing suicide is quite different. The questions that go unanswered the heartbreak of knowing the one person who meant so much to you couldnt come to you and say: Honey Im having a problem can you help me??
NOTHING is that bad.
We all live with loss some more than others but its a part of life.
Mae you chose to be a caregiver, to 3 people!
Now what part of that statement says to you your not a strong person? Please tell me cause Im sure as hell gonna tell you theres not a weak bone in that entire body of yours.
You stood up and fought for not 1 person but 3...relentlessly.
Are you tired? Well hell yes you are! But weak? Hell no!
Now dig down sweetie cause its there dont you dare EVER say anything like this again Do you hear me!
You have NO idea how many peoples lives you have touched besides those 3 you cared for and you did it with such grace and integrity the likes of which astound me.
Dont let this thought be on ones mind:
But she was so strong, why did she do this to herself? Why didnt she just come to me I could have helped her....Why did she choose a lifetime of hell over a minute of unhappiness?
I will speak for myself: I love you dear friend, Im sure there are many more that feel the same.

Mae, the honesty with which you have shared your experiences have meant so much to so many of us. Helping us see through the eyes of others and remember the value of true compassion. Strong practical advice for hard problems for our LOs, and now again for us.

Thank you Mae. I am so glad things are looking up.

Just a thought. If you don't let them pamper you a least little bit, what are they going to think. It might be another step in care giving to let them care. (Just a little).

quote:

With these new feelings of hope I have topinch my self

Isn't it amazing! I'm so happy for you (and me)that we found our way out of the "black hole"!

So many suffer, especially those who were "rocks" in other people's eyes, it seems unbelievable to others and of course we rocks hide it well, too!

funny , when you have to experience something to understand it.I have had many experiences and learned more then books could have ever taught me.Life has given me si much valuable education.
I will never forget the experience of the past year.I will use it to make so many changes for the better.