since grandma has gotten sick she hasnt drove, however latly she has been gettin her car fixed and the day it needed the muffler looked at she told my mom that if i wasnt awake that she would just drive there (this was at 6am i get up at 8am the apointment was for 1pm) anyway while she was at the hospital her dr there said that she wouldnt be able to drive anymore his words were, ifs shes out on the road no one else can be.
anyway noone has told grandma this, b/c no one wants to upset grandma, i finally had a talk with my mom and said something needs to be done what if i am sleeping and she takes the car and gets in an accident, so mom got the paperwork for the dr to fill out and that will be done on the 14th. i know grandma is going to be really upset and probablly get quite depressed is there anything i can do to make this easier on her,i know that the car is just the start of things that will be taken away from her.

I had to take Grandma's keys 3 months ago. It was very hard for her, and she got very angry. After a bit of time, and making sure that when she wanted to go anywhere I was available, it has gotten better. However, her kids took the car because everytime I told her that she couldn't drive she got violent, and she went in to a sort of depression for almost a week. Now she has excepted it. It is not easily done, nor is it easy to deal with. We found that explaining it logically did not work, so we change the subject when it comes up. Eventually she is going to have to be done, don't take the anger personally, and hang in there.

quote:

My mom likes the freedom, though I worry about her with her two brain tumors removed and induced strokes, the UV rays cause her eyes to close. I am working up slowly to the process.

Ummmm, mkandy, whether your Mom enjoys the freedom or not, it sounds like she is not physically fit to be on the road. This isn't something to work up to slowly... she needs to stop driving for her safety and the safety of OTHER PEOPLE ON THE ROAD!

I totally sympathize with what a blow this is to our folks - my mom took it hard and always worried about where her car was, even when she'd been bedridden for 6 years! I know that I will take it hard, too! BUT... my rights end where the rights of others begin!! When I become hazardous to other commuters, I pray that someone will take my keys before I hurt myself or someone else!

This is something I am dreading with my mother. My grandmother was easy....we walked in her house one day, she handed us the keys and said, "sell my car, I'm done driving".

My mom likes the freedom, though I worry about her with her two brain tumors removed and induced strokes, the UV rays cause her eyes to close. I am working up slowly to the process.

I think having the Dr explain things would be the best route in your situation. He doesn't have the same guilt you do.

It may help to have the doctor explain to your grandma why she can't drive anymore. It may also help for the doctor to have your grandma take a driving evaluation (most hospitals have this for people who are wanting to return to driving after an illness/injury) not so much that this would confirm anything, but sometimes it helps to let them realize for themselves how unsafe it is now for them to be on the road. You may also have to accommodate to your grandma's schedule, at least initially until she gets used to somebody driving her to her appointments, so she actually feels that she really didn't lose much independence. Then down the road, you may be able to command your own time when it comes to taking her to where she wants to go. It may also help find the reason, if there is, why all of a sudden she wants to drive again when she "has gotten sick she hasn't drove" seems like for a while. Maybe she's getting frustrated because she has to always ask somebody to do errands for her, maybe the car just started to look very "attractive" again, or maybe she's just getting bored of not being able to be up and about in the area. Then, if that's the case, maybe correcting the cause may do it. If everything else fails, the last resort will be to get rid of the car. No car, no problem. Hope this helps.

so today i went and got a set of keys made that looked right but will not start the car, grandma was very upset that she couldnt find her keys, well i asked auntie what i should do and she told me to give grandma the keys that will start the car, i talked to the dr and he said that she shouldnt be driving with her meds and to tell her that or have her call him, i tried to tell her that she told me she just wont take her pills then, i think before i leave on wed i will swap out the keys since she doesnt try to drive when i am around its just that she knows i will be gone and doesnt want to be a burden on my dear auntie

All you need to do is go to the dealership with her keys. Tell them she can no longer drive, and you need a key made that won't get her in, or start the car.

I'm sure they will understand. If they give you any flack, ask them if they want to be on the road with her driving....that outta shut them up quick, and make them cooperate

Good thought on making her a key that won't fit! I'd never have thought of that in a million years.

Her doc hasn't told her she can't drive anymore? If she doesn't find out soon, she'll keep giving you trouble about it. Dunno how much longer you can hold her off.

ok so grandma is askin about her keys again and is really agitated cuz i told her i think my brother has them from when he brought her car to get fixed, the paper work has not gone through for her lisense to be taken away yet, sooo i am not sure who said it but i am gonna swap out her keys, however grandmas smart so i am gonna have to go to a place where they make keys and asked them to make sure the keys dont work i know they are gonna look at me like i am crazy but i dont care. no matter what i tell grandma about how its not just putting her in danger if shes behind the wheel she just says "dont give me that hog wash i can still drive" ugh the joys of being a caregiver

OP has a point. If she thinks she'll only hurt herself driving, she'd probably be willing to take that risk.

But if you tell her, with her reflexes now, she could hurt others, she probably won't want to hurt anyone else on the road.

Good point OP!

I did NOT say she could not go anywhere JUST she shouldn't do the driving...........Good grief......

I think it's a good idea to let the doc tell her, too. When my dad died, one of the first things my mom said was that she'd have to learn to drive again. We went to a doctor appointment and I made sure to bring it up as a question. (I knew the answer but also knew mom was far more likely to listen to him than me.)

The doc was good about explaining. He didn't tell her "Hey, your decision making isn't good enough to drive." He explained that her reflexes weren't as fast as they used to be and that put driving out of the question.

If you're stuck with telling her, I'd emphasize the danger to others. If you center on the danger to herself, she might feel that's her risk to take but she probably doesn't want to risk hurting somebody else.

I know it breaks your heart to tell her she can no longer drive. Its hard on us to see our parents age, and not be able to do things we used to do so easily.

I know right now, car lots are sending junk mail with a car key in them, just to get you down there. Take the key off, put it on her key ring, just in case she tries to go for a spin. Where ever torp put the idea of changing the keys, sounds like a great idea to me.

You need to protect them from themselves, as well as everyone else on the road. Its not easy, I know.

I see on the news once in a while where someone eldery gets on the interstate, going the wrong way, and has a head on collision. Breaks my heart for all in the accident. We don't want to hear about grandma on the news hon.

If you have to, make an appointment with her doctor, and let him tell her. It might be worth the bill for someone in "authority" to break this news to her if you can't.

My MIL hasn't owned or driven a car in at over five years. She's been living in a skilled nursing facility for the past two. She is wheelchair bound, requires a hoyer lift to transfer her from bed to chair and back. She is fed by an aide.

Yet, just Monday she was complaining to me that if she could have her car back she could go someplace or the other. She can still drive, she just doesn't have a car. LOL That will tend to remain an issue with them.

Every time I see one of those silver alerts on the freeway signs, I think "there but for God's grace..." A new one yesterday that is still there today. Not a good sign that they haven't been located, especially in this triple digit heat.

Lynne, I agree to a point, to allow her to drive would be a real danger, but I do think a lot can be done to minimize upset, at least to try... Ymyers, you have never said (as far as I know, maybe I missed it) WHY Gran was hospitalized. She is ambulatory, she is on O2, she should have breathing therapy but is resistent. She is forgetful.

Yes compromises on her part have to be made. To smooth the way there are techniques of redirection, compromise, bribery....and anti-depressents.

Yes as Lynne says, she needs to be kept safe and prevented from hurting others. But just because she can't drive doesn't mean she can't go anywhere. Did she used to get her hair done? If so set her up and take her. Does she love to ride to the water front and feed the ducks?, Let Auntie dearest take her, oops, not the best idea.

Seriously, you can find ways to make this easier. Again, remember TORP's advice....switch the keys on her ring, as a safety measure.

As long as she is kept safe from hurting herself & others it doesn't matter how upset she gets.It HAS to be done Accept it & go on.........