I hope someone can either help or direct me to a better forum.
I (and family) moved to town M-in-L lives in to be nearby since her husband died 1 1/2 years ago. She is definitely experiencing memory loss. I have spent last 2 days straightening out her bank accounts. ($600 in fees for bounced checks!) She had not balanced account in 6 months, although she said she did (and I think she really thought she had!)She has always taken care of the finances beautifully. She can't remember where she put important paperwork. She does not want to talk about it. When I can get her to talk at all, she marks it down to grieving and being lonely. I would like to have her evaluated medically to be sure this isn't Alzheimers. She hates doctors. My husband's sister does not want to deal with this, although he and his brother do. The sister and brother live across the country.
sooo....my question is this....does anyone have any suggestions on how we can sit her down and have a gentle, sensitive discussion with the suggestion to see a doctor? No one wants to upset her, but I am concerned that we can do something now medication-wise that will benefit her later. Of course the other thing is that she hates pills and generally refuses to take them. HELP!

Rere welcome in your in the right place dont fear.
First of all is this something you are willing to take over?
I mean the care of your MIL.
If so and your hunny is on board along with your BIL then you need to first get a POA and a DPOA so you can attend to your MIL's finances and health matters (be able to talk to her doctors legally otherwise they have no reason to discuss treatment or plans with you about your MIL) do this before you have her diagnosed this is important for many reasons.
If you are the one that will be attending to MIL's health matters you should be the "first" on her DPOA your husband and BIL can be 2nd & 3rd on it in case of emergency.
Dochka gives a good idea about writing things down and passing it on to the doc many of us do it because our LO's either dont want to admit the deficits they are experiencing or have no idea its occurring which is pretty common on their part.
And remember she is embarrassed probably about everything that is happening so she will put up a stink if you confront her as what has been said use any excuse you can to get her into her PCP if she diggs humor use it if she likes doing something bribe her with it think about how she approached friends and mimic it it but do so slowly so she warms up to it.
I have one patient right now that reminds me of my mom in so many ways the way she communicates with friends is like all the stories you hear about the older group of Italian ladies when they get together around a table to have a b*tch session so what I did was mimic my mom how she was back then and we get along famously even when she refuses something I get her to do it just by the way I approach her but the one thing you must always remember if you make a promise to her follow through, you need to gain her trust thats most important without that your not going to get anything accomplished.
Again welcome in glad you found us

Welcome rere,

The checkbook thing usually the first strong indication something is wrong. Especially if the person was always good at it.
It seems sequential thinking, (like 3+2=5, or cooking a meal, where first you do this, then add that) is the first to go.

She needs to be taken to an MD. Do not discuss the reasons why with her. My trick was to write down the strange behaviors and hand the paper to the doctor. I just told her it was time for a check up. The doc will take it from
there, ask her some questions that will clue him in if there is a memory issue.

Make sure you also write down the depression you suspect and why.

For you and your husband to talk to her will do no good, she will only deny it. Both my mom and my MIL did at the very early stages.

The good news is if you get her diagnosed early there are meds that can slow the progression of
AD. Also, the antidepressants are a wonder for relieving the anguish of depression. Both mom and MIL did well on both.

Please be a little sneaky and get her to a doc,
whatever excuse you can think of.
Oh, how about telling her she needs a physical for insurance purposes or something?

Rere, This may be type of dementia, or depression, indeed brought on by unresolved grief and loneliness. Mae has made a good point that your talk with her probably shouldn't mention dementia. Many of our elders hate doctors, I understand, I have a strong dislike for them myself. Still she will need to see one. This may be depression, depressed people often don't eat or sleep correctly, leading to vitamin deficiencies, There is much to rule out before talking of AD.

Is she at all religious? Perhaps you could speak to her spiritual advisor, and arrange a meeting there. That is often a good starting point if available.

By the way, welcome to ECO, I hope something and someone here can come up with some help.

Rere, My suggestion is to sit down with her and tell her of your concerns.I would not mention dementia.Tell her she has been forgetting important things and you want to see if it is a chemical imbalance that can be corrected with meds.
As for those who do not want to deal with it, tell them to join the real world where foar too many are dealing with such.We cannot always pick and choose what we deal with.
Grow up and deal with reality is all I can say.There are alot of things I and others did not want to deal with but we took the bull by the horn and did it.
People who make such a comment cannot deal with things they have no control.They had better build them selves a shelter from the real world.
What you want and what they get is two different things.Grow up , I say to them