Hi all,

Excuse me for rambling, but this is a bit complicated. I have been living with my boyfriend for over two years. Of that time, his father has lived with us for all but maybe the first 6 months. Anyway, my boyfriend is responsible for the care of his father since his mother died 3 years ago and he moved with him to Canada and is now in the process of getting his immigration papers finalized so he (his father) can stay in Canada. This is all fine except for the fact that his father hates me. He is almost 80 and walks with crutches because he has arthritis and needs a hip replacement. He is also Italian and speaks little English..I no practically no Italian. The problem is, how do I deal with him? My boyfriend has talked of taking him back overseas to keep him happy or to move to another place with just the two of them...so we would have two places. I am being patient and try to do whatever I can to make his dad happy but I don't deserve the abuse I get from his dad...everything from calling me shit to threatening to burn the house down. I am at the end of my rope - what do I do?

This message has been edited. Last edited by: janlm,

hehe....no that is ok...I think I will stick to Canada thanks...

So...thank you again for all of your kind words and support...every day I try to think of ways to figure all of this out...and in the meantime I will enjoy the love and support that I get from my boyfriend...

Take care...jan

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I will be 49 on my next birthday, but I try to think young...I just got a divorce last year from my husband of over 20 years (20 years of hell) so you can see why I don't want to rush into anything...

Oh WOW - that kinda changes a LOT!!! Like EVERYTHING!!! Sorry, but you sounded like a starry eyed 25 year old - must be the uplifting effect of being recently released from hell!!

In THAT case, you are WISE to steer clear of entanglement!! Keep your finances separate for SURE!! I am beginning to see the logic in keeping a small apartment (if you can afford it) just to have somewhere to go if things become too nutz... just an efficiency with a well-stocked bar and plenty of chocolates and ice cream for when stress takes over...

Naples, South Africa, Canada - ay yi yi!!! Y'all sure you don't wanna come keep a place down here in Louisiana, too?

Hi again,

Thank you so much for replying to my message...it feels so good just to know that someone out there understands and cares..

As for chronological age, I will be 49 on my next birthday, but I try to think young

The part about his dad moving into his son's house is partly true...according to my boyfriend, part of the house is his dads since it is in both of their names and that part of the downpayment came from his dad's money from the sale of his house in south africa (yes..that is right..they moved from south africa, although he is clearly italian in his upbringing and beliefs...he was born in Naples)

Anyway, when they first moved to Canada, my boyfriend ( and maybe his father in part) lent his sister $37,000 to help them to build a house and that has not been repaid back to him either...maybe none of this makes a difference but just adds to the complication...

I do intend to go to counseling for myself at first and then maybe with my boyfriend after...we both want to work on our relationship so we can endure all battles together...and maybe being married would make his father change his mind...but I don't think that we should get married just to see if it would...we will do that when we are ready...

Just more details...I just got a divorce last year from my husband of over 20 years (20 years of hell) so you can see why I don't want to rush into anything...

Thanks again for listening...god bless

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Do you really think that living together for over two years is a short time?

Yes, I do. Please read the stories of different families in the pages of this site. We have seen marriages of 20 and 30 years crumbled by the issues of eldercare! You said that y'all were together for only 6 months before dad came to live with you! This isn't like "baby makes three"... Dad has come to live in his son's home and his ADULT son must set the rules there. If dad cannot or will not abide by them, the trouble only begins there! He may disapprove of your unmarried status and view you poorly as a result. That may NOT be something you can easily change. Your BF is gonna have to grow a pair and tell Dad that you ARE to be regarded and respected. Dad may feel that because you are unmarried, he does not HAVE to respect you nor your relationship with his son. Hey - it might not make any difference - he might treat you badly even if you WERE married (we've all seen plenty of that!), but this is a BIG point of respect issue with older generation folks especially from other countries. He is an old man - the chances of him changing his lifelong beliefs are not likely to happen. The obligation your BF feels toward him for dedicating his life to his family came from a marriage between his father and his mother. Italian families are pretty conservative on this issue socially, not to mention their religious beliefs! Moving to another country at his advance age is not going to change his lifelong beliefs and habits! It does not surprise me that he is behaving unpleasantly as I suspect he may feel like a fish out of water and be very lonely, not only for his wife and friends, but for the country where he lived and the customs he was inured to...

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Thank you for your reply and your thoughts...

I am glad you understood my comments in the spirit in which they were intended. I don't know your chronological ages but you sound young. I think you have a good heart and the energy, zeal and idealism of youth with which to fuel your endeavors, but this is a VERY complex issue and will become more so as time progresses. PLEASE get some expert advice on this entire matter because your happiness, your BF's happiness and his father's happiness all depend on understanding what can and can not be expected of this situation. Many blessings to you for caring so much. I hope that things DO work out for all of you!

Do you really think that living together for over two years is a short time? I think that it has shown that we CAN get along and deal with the pressures of his father and also that we are BOTH committed to each other...

My boyfriend only talks about getting separate living quarters to try and appease his father...but so far we have only looked around...ultimately we want to stay together and make things work...

I know I am powerless when it comes to issues regarding his father, but we are both doing what we can to make his father comfortable while working on our relationship...so we CAN stay together...

As for the elders coming in...that is just so he will have someone else to talk to or to keep him company that can speak his language since both my boyfriend and I are away all day at work...

I may be setting myself up for a fall, but I prefer to say that I am just an optimist and that anything worth it, it worth working on...

Thank you for your reply and your thoughts...

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The thing is...I do know that he has chosen his father

Janlm, since the two of you are unmarried and not legally bound to one another and have been together for such a short period of time, I think it is obvious that your BFs responsibility to his father comes before anything having to do with you. It is up to your BF to learn and understand the issues of eldercare which he is bringing with him and placing before his relationship with you. You are powerless as pertains to his father.

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My boyfriend doesn't want me to suffer...that is why he says we should get two places..but I want to be with him...such a conundrum...

I think your BF has stated his message to you loud and clear - he wants separate living quarters. He considers his life and obligations as separate from yours. He is basically saying he wants to take a step BACK in the relationship with you because he has a prior commitment. I don't think you are hearing him. There is no conundrum at all - either you listen to the message he is sending or remain deaf to the fact that he is choosing to place his familial obligation ahead of a relationship with you. This is NOT a good basis for a relationship. You are not hearing the decision you want to hear, but he's made it plain. You need to find a place to live and he will visit you when he can.

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I think we need to look into other options as well..such as finding some Italian elders to come in and talk to him.

There is no "we" in this deal - it is your BF's decision alone. I fail to see where having some elders come "talk to him" will change the basic facts of this situation. You can "continue to be my same sweet self and maybe he will change his mind and see that I am not a threat and don't want anything from him" but this has nothing to do with the father - it has to do with the fact that you are trying to operate as a wife when your BF has made it clear that you are not one. From what you have said here, it seems like you are setting yourself up for a fall. It's time for you to listen to what your BF has said and find another place to live. Good luck!

The thing is...I do know that he has chosen his father...he says that he is responsible for looking after him since his father devoted his whole life to making a better life for his children. I have accepted that. The thing I don't accept is his father's abuse of me for no reason. I really don't know what the future holds...but who does. Maybe one day we will be married..but right actually we are living together right now just like we are married..but without the legalities. As for other relatives, I think they are all old and incapable of caring for him. He originally lived with his daughter (my boyfriends sister) in Calgary when they first moved to Canada but things went sour there and since my boyfriend was working in Fort Saskatchewan and met me in the interim he decided to buy a house in Edmonton and that is why his dad is living with us. I do plan to go to counselling though, if only to help myself. My boyfriend doesn't want me to suffer...that is why he says we should get two places..but I want to be with him...such a conundrum...

I think we need to look into other options as well..such as finding some Italian elders to come in and talk to him.

In the mean time, I will continue to be my same sweet self and maybe he will change his mind and see that I am not a threat and don't want anything from him.

Thank you all for listening...it is like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.

It sounds like your boyfriend needs to get his priorities in order. Do you have marriage plans in the future? Is he as serious in maintaining the relationship as you are? At this point it sounds like he has chosen his father. Are you willing to play second to him until he passes away? Are there any relatives in Italy that are willing to take charge of his care? What is the connection with Canada?
I can assure almost assure you that as the person ages, it doesn't get any better and your boyfriend needs to consider whether he wants to commit his life to this. I do suggest counceling.My family got stuck with my mother and it doesn't look like we will be able to find a legal solution to the problem so it looks like we have her until she passes and that seems like forever. We are so very unhappy. I cry alot. My husband is very understanding but I feel terrible that my daughters will never know normal. I am sorry for making a this about me but Iguess my point is that forever is a long time! Is this what your boyfriend wants or does he want a future? Good luck.

Welcome, Janlm. It sounds like your BF needs to learn more about the issues of living with elderly folks. To be honest, since y'all have been living together for such a short amount of time, it sounds like some heavy-duty counseling is in order - both for understanding the issues of caring for elderly people and all the ins and outs THAT entails AND for couples' issues when one person wants to do something that is seriously infringing on the rights of the other. I hope that even if your BF will not go for advice and counseling, that you WILL because this is a very complicated issue. I suspect that your BF may not have thought this entire thing through very well... Good luck and please keep us posted!

Janlm, welcome.Wow, you are caught between a rock and a hard ball.Having the language barrier is difficult under normal conditions.One thing for sure you when they are saying a bad word by the tone and the use of the hands.My best friends mom and grandmom both spoke mostly Italian.

Does hubby consult with you when thinking of maintaing two homes?Would you be in the same area?Kinda hard to have a relationship when one partner is absent.Does his dad have any dementia.The burning of the home does not sound like reasonable thinking.If he were to live with both of you is it possible to find Italian elders to come visit and get his acklimated?
When someone is this old, set in their ways and not able to speak the language it is hard to reaon with them.Maybe just showing him the kind person you are and able to do what most have to do will ease the transition.