I am curious...
For those of you who are caring for loved ones in their home, what gave you the idea, inspiration, impetus to undertake the task? Have you always intended to care for your loved one or did it just happen that way? Would you do it all over again if you could? Do you live with them in their home or do you go back and forth from your home to theirs?

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Moms_Buddy,

I live next door to my in-laws and have always kept an eye on them. After the death of my mother in law a year ago, my father in law started falling apart and depended on me more and more. My husband has 3 brothers, but a rif between them has left me as the primary care giver. At first his health was ok, but as time went on it became aparant that he was not taking his meds properly nor was he eating well. In June 2007 he had to have surgery and everything blew up between the boys and now he only talks to 2 of them. He ran into an old love and once again fell in love and married 7 months after the death of his wife of 60 years which really made 2 of his sons really angry. Now that leaves me caring for him basically except his new wife makes sure that he eats and takes care of most of the day to day things, but when it comes to dr appointments and meds that is left up to me. It took me a while to find a system that would work for all concerned. This is what I came up with. I found some 3 X 4 zippered craft bags at Wal-Mart; on my computer I printed AM & PM and taped these to the bags (I make up 30 days at a time); I then put his meds into these bags and put the AM bags into a qt ziplock and PM into another and then put both into a gal bag. I check periodically to make sure he is taking them correctly, but it is working very well. It gives him the sense of independence, yet I can monitor his meds at the same time. By the way I keep all of the bottles at my house instead of leaving them at his. I tell him since I am setting them up and ordering them from the VA it is easier that way. When he gets down to the last 2 or 3 days he will call and let me know so I can set him up another 30 days worth. This system seems to let them maintain their dignity as well. I hope this tip will help some one else that finds themselves in my position.

Welcome DCGirl! I'm glad you found your way here, too! It's a tough job for sure! Do your brother and sister help with your Mom and Dad? It is a BLESSING to have sibs who cooperate and can give the "on duty" person some time off when needed!

Many blessings to your for your loving care and special cudos to your husband - caring for in-laws often is quite difficult simply because our families were formed before we et our spouses and began our adventure together... fitting the families together is a challenge every married couple faces, but some do so more successfully than do others!

I hope that despite the aggravation that you are managing to share some special moments with your Mom & Dad along the way.

Are there any points that make living with your parents in their home easier or more difficult?

Moved Reply:

Well, Moms_Buddy, my husband and I had moved to another province because of his work. Prior to that, we sold our home and moved in with my parents. Then hubby got transferred. He was gone for 1 1/2 years before I moved with him. We were there for a few years and one day my mom called to ask where we were going to live when hubby retired. We hadn't thought much about it at this point because he had about 10 years left before retirement. They suggested we move in with them, look after them until they died and I would get their house. We talked it over and said yes. Well, we are regretting that decision. These people do not want any help of any kind from us. We have tried to please them to no end and if we move out, they'd be dead in no time flat. One of them would be if I hadn't come back when I did. A year ago yesterday, by the way. My brother and sister live here in town and one day he called and asked if I could quit my job and come home earlier than we were supposed to; which was only two months away. They just couldn't cope anymore with the stress. I told them I had to give a months notice at work because I was an assistant manager and just couldn't give a weeks notice and come. He didn't like it but too bad. It's been a rough year for us. My father is in some stage of Alzeimers and my mom just had a hip replacement done a few weeks ago and is recovering from that. Some days I can't get her to eat and most of the time she won't drink enough fluids to keep her hydrated. They don't want to shower or change their dirty clothes. You have to watch him every minute. He is 89 and she is 85. My son gave me this site and I am eternially grateful for that. I also told the three of my kids that I will never ask them if I can live with them when we get old. They laugh at me but they know we're very serious. He was right though; it has helped to talk about it with someone other than my husband or siblings. And, by the way, my husband has been just wonderful through all this. He is right by my side through thick and thin. Think I'll keep him...lol.

To continue this thought, Mom and Dad seemed to be doing fine taking care of each other until they were 85. It was only after Dad became ill with a cancerous tumor on his spine that we had to start to sort things out and chip in. Most things were in pretty good order. Mom had a really hard time dealing with Dad's decline, 1 1/2 years of fighting she could not take care of him, had to put up with caregivers, and had symptoms of depression. She was dottier through that time than she is now almost 6 years later. We were so busy with Dad and so clueless, she didn't get a fraction of the attention she needed.

Doing what it takes to keep her as healthy and (more importantly) happy as possible is one of the top 3 most important thing I have ever done. I wish I had had the benefit of this site then. Things would have made sense with out reinventing the wheel. Now Maybe there is something of use that I can give back.

Honestly, until recently, I feel it was my struggle to learn and to let go. Now Mom is starting to struggle more. She is so brave. To care for her is its own reward.

Moved Reply:

In my family, there has been a history of this same thing. So far I see the repeating of the patterns set before us, in regard to caring for a parent. Both sets of my grandparents stayed in their own homes, with the cooperative help of all their children. But for them, there were 6 children to chip in. For Mom it is just Bro and me. That lays it on a little thick, but it is still the example we were given.

As long as there is any way possible to accomadate her, Mom will be in her home. I am not expected to giveup my home and husband to move in with her, although at times I think I would be better off if we were under the same roof, with respite care.

It snuck up on me really. As her needs grew, so did my involvement. 10 years ago, I would not have believed you if you told me that I would be doing this now. Everyone is surprised but Mom.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Moms_Buddy,