How do you say no to someone who truly does need help, even though you feel so manipulated, without feeling like garbage for abandoning them?

No, she has no memory of yelling at me last week that she didn't want my help, that I was interfering. She said she would be crazy to think she didn't need help, and started to cry that I would even say such a thing.

She says the only thing she called about was she was so worried that she was being a burden on me, and to tell me how much she needed my help. Obviously I am the one who is confused and making up stories!

So I talk to her about how much I appreciated when my family helped me when I broke my leg - she yells at me that I never told her I broke my leg when she asked for my help! Guess she forgot seeing me in my cast when I first cam to visit, that I couldn't drive and had to have my husband come every time to do the driving, that I have been hobbling around on crutches for months and that I still limp when I walk.

So I took her to her bone scan appt as promised, but brought her a street map and pointed out the streets, so she could find her own way next time, like she said she wanted to. Now she says she can't take a taxi, because he will come into her room and take her stuff.

She couldn't handle her appt without guidence and help, even though I tried so very hard to stand back and let her do it on her own. All that did was show her that she was unable to do it alone.

I gave her back her b/w paperwork to be done another day, and she phones me after I get home, in tears because she can't see to read them and doesn't know if she has to fast for her b/w, even though she remembers the dr said so and that she can't fill them out. I assure her they are all filled out, but she is convinced they are not.

Today she calls to say the "evil" nephew took her out for a lovely lunch, and he asked if I let her come to my house. Yes, she's been here, but not enough obviously. Not like he used to take her out all the time. Hint, hint...

But she can't trust him, he's the one that took all her stuff, who constantly harrasses her to buy him a house, who threatened to hurt her physically. So there is no point in me telling her to ask for his help. It would just lead to more hysterics!

So now she wants to do her taxes, but needs to go thru her papers to find what papers she needs. I agree reluctantly to come next week, probably Thursday to sort them, when I will have time. Will I please do her taxes? No, I cannot. I give her two accountants to call.

She calls back, I need to come now because it's almost time to file (April 30th here). Next week is too late for her. Can't I come now? No, I have all these commitments, I will come next week. It's not my fault she left it so late, I think to myself.

Oh, the tears, she has to get them done now. Frustrated, I agree to come Monday, after I take care of my grandchildren in the morning. Not good enough. She needs me now. I say I have to leave to pick up my son at 4Pm. Not till then, she says, so can you come now? It's 3:33 - there is no time! She still wants me to come.

What about Sat then, she asks? No, I have things I have to do. More tears, I tell her that if she doesn't owe anything, it won't matter if she is late. But no, she won't know that until she finds her papers. It has to be done now.

So, fool that I am, I give in and say I will come tomorrow, after work. What about the kids, she asks? Oh, now you are worried about my commitments??? I'll manage something, I say.

Oh, she is going to make it all worth my while she says, I will have so much money when she is gone. Last week she is accusing me of being after her money, this week she is trying to bribe me with it!

She doesn't understand that all the money she made selling her home is being eaten up by the retirement home, and there is likely to be nothing left soon. And since she sold her home, that invalidated the will, so it will all go to the sister she hates more than likely, certainly not to me.

Not that I care, I was so frustrated with her last week, I said I would burn every cent of it if she died tomorrow and left me anything!! Arrgh!

My husband asked if it would help if he came too, to run interference? I said, if you could get her to actually let me go thru the papers without having to stop every couple of minutes to listen to yet another rambling story, I might actually get the job done.

Sorry, I am just venting. Yes, call me sucker, I just cannot simply walk away. She really does need help, even though she is her own worst enemy. I just hope I won't live to regret my kindness. {sigh...}

I can relate to label ones self as a sucker.I have found this to be true with some family members and maybe a few friends.But we can only be a sucker if we are not aware of someone playing with our emotions and they are aware of what they are doing.
Big difference.

Katrinka, sounds to me as though you are dealing with someone with dementia.Her forgetting etc.I would take her to be tested by someone who specializes in gheriatric medicine.
Sounds like she is dealing with alot of paranoia.Many times the correct meds may help her.
This is not about you trying to please her and be there for her.This is about her not being able to rationalize

Catherine, I know you want to help this woman, and you will do what you can do, with her taxes, her appointments, any and all, but possibly the result that you have hope to have will never happen. It sounds as if she has been bitter and afraid for a very long time and now if dementia is also kicking in, you may never see her be confident and trusting and "level".

I do wonder what "assistance" she is getting from AL. And I wonder what stories she tells about you to the "evil" nephew. Do you know this man? Does he exist? You were once in the family, so you probably do know him or of him. To meet with him might help to understand the situation, but it would be awful if it brought this all to another level of your involvement, and I cannot recommend it.

The truth is, there are somethings you can do for her, but what you want FOR her
(at the bottom line) may well be beyond the ability of any mortal. That is an ugly possibility, and I hate it that you need to consider this..but if it is true, and you accept it, she won't be able to hurt you like she has been doing. What she truely needs, and as a compassionate person you want her to have, simply isn't yours to give. Give what you can, and have patience with the rest.

If your Hub is willing to distract her for a bit and let you get something done for her, he sounds like a champ and a keeper to me. Every now and then, double teaming works great.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Bobcat,

Bless your heart! This has to be so heartwrenching and aggravating for you!! Hang in there and treat yourself to something special this weekend - like a bubble bath and a good book!!

Sorry that I was so angry yesterday, but I was really upset. I got really sick over it all last night.

Then she called thismorning at 7:30AM to say they had shut off the water at the home and not to come. She still wished I would come on the weekend, but said I probably was going away somewhere to have fun with my family so couldn't help her. She makes me out to be so wicked if I am not there when she wants me.

I am trying to be nice, I am trying to be nice...