I am curious...
For those of you who are caring for loved ones in your home, what gave you the idea, inspiration, impetus to undertake the task? Have you always intended to care for your loved one or did it just happen that way? Would you do it all over again if you could?

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I grew up in a home where my grands came to live with us and my mom cared for them until they passed. They were not in anywhere near the shape some of our folks are in. Papa died of at home of "natural causes" or "old age" whichever you prefer, and Mama died of kidney failure caused by her lifetime of diabetes. Both lived into their early 80s and neither one was ill for very long.

As my mom aged, I worried about her, but until she had her car wreck in 99, I suppose I thought she was immortal. In 2001, I took over her care from my sis, who was trying to sell a house, build a house, move into an apartment during the interim and not go crazy, despite Mom's best efforts to drive her there!

I quickly realized that this was gonna be no cake walk and when she became bedridden, I was willing to try, but didn't have any real-time experience with that level of care.

The only reason I thought I could tackle it and be successful was the example of a business friend of mine and his wife. He didn't like the way his mom was being cared for in the NH, so, despite her being on a feeding tube, totally bedridden and barely responsive, he signed her out and brought her home. His wife cared for her for several years until her death. I know it had to have been tough for them and his mom required a lot of hands-on care, but they took it on and did a fantastic job with her! My friend passed a couple of months ago, but he and his wife will ALWAYS have my undying admiration for what they did and the great example they set for me. They were my first "eldercare heroes." When I wondered and doubted my ability to handle this, the memory of their dedication whispered "yes you can!" in my ear!

Looking back over the past 6 years, there are some things I would have done differently if I had known then what I know now, but I STILL would have chosen to care for her here at home. And I'd have discovered ECO even sooner, for there are so MANY "eldercare heroes" here, I couldn't begin to name or count them all...
You ALL inspire me every day!

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So that's my story - how about yours? How'd you get here from wherever you were? What in the WORLD made you think you could undertake a task like this?

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Moms_Buddy,

Hi everyone. I am sorta a newbie, having been on before once a long time back...when I thought the caregiving in my home for both my parents was temporary. Both my mom and dad were in a serious car accident at the ages of 71 and 73 in 2005. They survived life support and have complications. They couldn't return their home, and they begged to come home with me. I have a sister who is a nightmare and consequently no help at all. I have an endearing hubby who is working round the clock at Disney (going in at 3 am and coming home in afternoon to help care for my parents, their bills and doc appts.) His two teen sons are angels in helping me as well. Thank GOd. ONly thing is one is leaving for college this year and the other one graduates this year from high school. I don't know if I will be able to go it alone. It literally takes all of us to care for them both.

My mom has some kind of dementia as well on oxygen 24/7, and struggles greatly to walk 5 ft. SOmetimes she's with it sometimes she's not. Sometimes I miss her so much and she's right there with me...But mostly, my DH says that I am too close to see it and I get frustrated that she isn't understanding. I love her so much. She was a fantastic mother to me growing up. I am very sad, pretty much daily.

With my dad, Bunny's girl responded to the one or two messages I left, and helped me to discover what Temporal Lobe Impairement is. So, at least now I understand why my sweet, Italian father, isn't so sweet always. He was extremely bright, self made man, put man on the moon, etc, and now is content to live on my porch! He used to become very aggressive, but some of that has subsided now that I can see the clues and adjust. I miss him too, and his motivation. It is really, very hard.

At the rate they are going, they could go on living here a long, long time. I have had no time with my husband's boys, whose bio mother has recently died from gastric bypass surgery. So they are truly now my boys and need me now more than ever. But my dad keeps peeing on the floor in the middle of the night - and day if you're not carefully watching him, when he can use the walker to the bathroom, or the bucket (urinal won't work). COnstantly breaking into the fridge, so we've had to lock the kitchen up with a gate and key.

It is very stressful, and I barely have time to sort it all out. My house is upside down and I am exhausted. Have found one nurse that my dad will allow to help him, but she is very stressful to me too. However, I thank God everytime she does show up that she is there. My dad is too big for me to shower him.

DH and I and the boys haven't really had a day off or any vacation together since 2005. And right before that DH was in an auto accident himself. I have been an elementary teacher for 16 years, prior to getting vertigo and going out on disability. Thank God I am sick and at home so I can care for my mom and dad.

I see that Idetta, you care for both your parents too. I would love to chat with you. Everytime I think about putting either of them in a home, (my mother says she'll go, but I don't want her to and my father, who is the most work for me, flat out refuses and gets crazy acting on me), I can't bring myself to do it. I know three years isn't very long to be caring for them. But, sometimes I am just so tired.

I've never had any children of my own, just miscarriages. I'm reaching the end of the phase, which I would be too tired now anyways.

My emotions are regret for the time I can't have, guilt for being selfish for thinking that, and sorrow because my parents can't be what they've always been to me.

Yet it I were given the chance, I would do it all again. I am all they have. They were so good to me. I love them, so I keep on.

I didn't mean for this to be so long. Sorry. But I finally figured out how to post.
Thanks for the sharing ~ it makes the load a little lighter to bare.

Hugs and Kisses with the Best of Wishes!

Welcome 1detta,

quote:

denial manifesto has been working well

Interesting phrase. This is the work of Titans crossed with the Labors of Hercules. Sounds like you got a double whammy.

Pretty standard opening but really works for me...I am a newbie...in so many ways. I have both parents, Mother is 81 and Father is 83. I have been caregiver for both for two years. Two years ago, Father was in hospital for 4 months with back pain which then lead to diagnosis of Parkinson's Disease and Dementia. My Mother has severe arthritis and heart condition.

They both live with me...not a happy house. The decision was reached more by crisis than by choice but it is what it is. By default, I am the caregiver, single and from stress...unemployed.

My Mother is a controller and very good at the motherload named guilt.

Depression, anger and regret are the three primary daily stuggles for me.

The forum topics I have read are uplifting and I have enjoyed reading them...

There is no plan currently, denial manifesto has been working well...my Father wants to die with my Mother wishing this to end soon as well for her is running a close second.

Thank you for the vehicle to touch the earth by reading so many other postings.

Bnot, what an inspiration you are.You did all you could to make her feel at home.
You know the days will be difficult but you will continue to give her good quality of life.
My hat goes off to you.Love and compassion shine through.
You will never regret the decision you have made.
You made my day, thank you.
To be honest, I am still a lost soul without my husband.I miss my mother and my aunt.
There is not a day that goes by that I do not look back and reflect on the good they brought to my life.
There were times when I thought I wanted to run for the hills.The difficult times are far removed from my thoughts.I think and see their faces each day.Life forever changes once you have been a caregiver.

Mom moved to Austin with my neice and her husband in 2002. At 89 years old, I expected to loose her one day, but NEVER a geographical move.

Well, in Dec 07, neice and her husband got a divorce. Niece was moving to Arkansas. Mom didn't want to go with her.

I immediately offered (well probably begged) Mom to come here. She thought about it a few days and said yes. I started making changes as soon as she said yes.

I got help painting the other bedroom, moving furniture around, and getting all my bedroom suit in that bedroom. I wanted Mom to have the master bedroom, with the 1/2 bath in it. I knew had I "asked if she wanted my bedroom" she'd told me NO. So I didn't ask, I just did it....lol.

I had more help getting the master bedroom painted and ready for her. She kept asking which room she'd have, as her bedroom suite is rather big. I told her "the back bedroom" which wasn't a lie. Both her bedroom, and mine are in the back of my home.

When she got here, she was shocked. Told me she didn't want my bedroom. I told her thats where the furniture is now, and I ain't moving it again.

I knew at 94, she got up to potty in the middle of the night a lot. I don't, yet, lol. She needs that bathroom right there.

You asked would I do it again? In a heart beat!! I'd do it 100 times over if I had the chance.

I now have someone to have coffee with me in the morning, and someone to cook for. I feel I have a purpose in life. I had to leave work in 04, and go on disability, so seems I haven't had a purpose in life since then. I was just existing. I feel I'm living now.

You see, this woman I call Mom, actually just raised me as her own. She took me in at 3 months old, and raised me like she'd had me. I was always closer to her, than most my friends were with their bilogical mothers. She may not have given birth to me, but she's always been my Mother. I've always called her Mom, cause she was my Mom.

I feel so blessed to give back what she gave to me all those years of raising me. I needed a mother, and she was there. Now she needs a daughter, and I am here.

Funny, I feel God had all this planned when I had to leave work. He had a plan, although I had no clue where it was taking me.

I'm so getting the time with my Mom, that I lost with her move to Tx.

She also raised my older sister, and my brother (deceased). Also the niece that she moved to Tx with.

quote:

whether you care for someone in your home or theirs the challenges are the same, possibly harder. In this case one shoe fits all.

I disagree, Mae. I think there are very different challenges presented when we care for folks in our homes vs. caring for them in their own homes... and to that end, I created two separate threads to discuss the differences between the two situations.

whether you care for someone in your home or theirs the challenges are the same, possibly harder.In this case one shoe fits all.

So, I am commanding you to not see the suject as not applying to you,
MomsBuddy, thank you for the compliment.It was heart felt.
You and all that have been apart of this forum has inspired me in some way.
I counted on you to give me information , for hubby, when most needed.You never failed me.
Each person helped me with their ideas and information .I still learn something I never knew before.You can never be too informed so you can make the right choices.
With all the skills and determination we could run the white house better then anyone elected, lol. You all go to the head of the clss for all you have done or tried to do.A for effort.

And ditto to that MB Mae is my all time hero wadda woman! She takes multi taskin to a whole new level

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Moms_Buddy,

quote:

The one thing that was hard was I was not able to give 100% to all because there was three.

And then along the way, one finds "new" heroes, like mae, from whom I drew inspiration...

Good topic, In my case t just happened.Mother and aunt lived with us.My aunt became ill first.But mother was able to help me.Bless her heart.Then out of right field mother changes.Wow, what had happen ., where do I find answers.Am I prepared to do what is needed.I really had no time to think about the situation.
I did not think about the total picture.I was responsible for the well being of two soon to become three.It happened in stages so that made it less of a shock.Had to overcome the doubts of being able to bath them, clean them when they had cacas.They were always self sufficient.They were modest and so was I .Had to get past that more then anything.
I never doubted they were my responsibilty.They had always been there for me and so supportive.They had kind hearts and did not deserve to be cast aside like old baggage.
I had more flustration with the medical community with mother and hubby.They made the flustration greater then needed to be.
I had done the every day things required by a wife and mother.What I undertook was a whole new ball game.
Seeking answers and help was my biggest hurdle.
Ignorance by those who were viewed as professionls wasthe onne thing that gave me anger, etc.
Coming to this forum was the turning point for me.I got informed .I began to use that information to guide my one this journey.
Then hubby became so bad with so little warning.
He was the strawthat broke the camels back.How the heck could I deal with all this.?I experienced the negative and so much positive.It took a while for me to learn such.
I finally had good people come to my home to aide and assist.The VA was the greatest for me.
Through much trial and error I did what was able to be done.Would I do it again.You bet.I would use all my failures to be better.
I changed for the better because of this experience and truly believe I could be a better caregiver.
The one thing that was hard was I was not able to give 100% to all because there was three.I know some things could have been done better if there had been one.But that was not to be and I know I gave them a safe home.I cared for them like only someone who lovede them would.
In the end I think I was the winner because the experience enrihed me in so many ways.
What the experience gave me can never be taken away from me as were they.
When I get my back in shape I want to go out and be a companion to someone.I want to use what I have gained and learned to help another.
Every experienced I had from youth to adulthood prepared me for so many aspects of caregiving.

quote:

I am curious...
For those of you who are caring for loved ones in your home, what gave you the idea, inspiration, impetus to undertake the task? Have you always intended to care for your loved one or did it just happen that way? Would you do it all over again if you could?

Yes I would.
I had been taking care of people as far back as my youth with my own mother then at 14 I had got into HHC with a friends mother taking care of my very first stroke patient and after that a myriad of others.
I worked in other fields on and off for many years but nothing was ever as satisfying as care giving. There was just something about it that kept bringing me back that would make me say yes to the next person.
I think its the trust they put in me.
Now the last 10 years my own MIL needed care unfortunately it became a safety issue with her (she has AD) so I had no choice but to put her in a Board and Care facility where she could get 24 hour supervision.
Each person on this journey taught me so much and placed their entire trust in me, it has been an honor and a privilege not to mention this journey brought me here to ECO where I met many people just like myself that actually walk the walk and have more knowledge on any given day than some of the Doctors and Nurses Ive met.
They are the real hero's here.
It has been one hellova journey and one I wouldnt change for nothing.

quote:

I am curious...
For those of you who are caring for loved ones in your home, what gave you the idea, inspiration, impetus to undertake the task? Have you always intended to care for your loved one or did it just happen that way? Would you do it all over again if you could?

Actually I hadn't really thought about it. My Mom always said she didn't want to live with any of us. She lived on her own(with Home Support the last few years) until she was in her 90's. She had chosen the facility she wanted to be in. When she could no longer stay there she had to move into a different facility for the last couple of years. She passed at 95. Mike's stroke was sudden(in the recovery room after carotid surgury) and a complete shock. As soon as he was off life support they asked him what he wanted to do his answer-Go home, Walk. Home took 10 months, walking 3 or 4 more He worked so hard for 10 months to get home. I had to get a lift in our old van(we had no handicapped bus service at the time) neighbours built a ramp. In spite of many professionals saying to just "put him in a facility and get on with your life." I could not do that. I did have one wonderful nurse just before he came home that was very supportive(she had looked after her own husband until he passed) She was the one who told me to have Home Support right away rather than trying it alone-I am so glad she set me on the right path. That first 10 months were the worst-I sure had to learn to be the squeaky wheel, patient advocate etc. The first 7 or so years he was home he kept improving and always had a positive attitude and worked hard. The last couple of years he has graadually lost ground. He no longer talks except the odd yes or no(he does still use body language)He tries my patience at times but is still usually cooperative. For us at home has been much better than the facility (I don't want to have to go that route EVER.) I have sometimes thought that my own experience as a child in the hospital (3 months) has made me more understanding. Mom came every afternoon, Dad every evening on week days, my sister came Sat. Mom and Dad on Sun. It had to be SO hard for them with all the regular stuff to deal with.(of course as a kid I didn't think about that.)
Looking forward to reading about the rest of this family. Gypsy