I need to vent. And I'd like some advice.

My mother often complains that "no one calls" her, that she "never goes anywhere", that she is "dying to get out of the house," that "all my friends just about have died and I'm lonely."

Fact: most of them have died; she goes with me, as I take her early in the morning as she can not be in the heat of the day, shopping and to church every week, usually three times a week she's out of the house; I suggest to her that if she wants to hear from someone ("no one calls me") then she should telephone them.

This week a friend of hers phoned her, and the next day the invitation came in the post, to a baby shower for the friend's granddaughter. My mother told me she likes this friend of hers (someone she knew from church) and the granddaughter. I took her shopping for the baby present. She seemed pleased about it all.


Okay, today I asked her at what time is the baby shower tomorrow? (planning my day to drop her off and later pick her up from it.) Instantly, Mother got enraged - and I mean enraged - and shouted at the top of her lungs, "I'm NOT going!" I walked into the den to see her looking enraged and asked her why isn't she going? I can drop her off and pick her up later, she said she was looking forward to it, I think it's nice her friend invited her, she often says no one calls her yet this friend called her up, invited her, they talked on the phone a long time, etc.

Mother shouted, "I'm NOT going!", got up from her chair and stormed toward her bedroom shouting, "You can't TREAT me this way!! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!" and slammed her door.

Not long after this a different lady phoned, a former school teacher friend of hers whom I also know well and like. She asked me how's my mother doing, and as I know her well I told her what had just happened. This friend is turning 80 years old, still very independant, has known my mother since they were in college, and very nicely advised me, "Just ignore her. Don't pay her any mind at all. There's probably going to be someone there at that baby shower she doesn't want to deal with."

That indeed might be the case, but heck if Mother is going to tell me.

My concern is this: I have done nothing to her that deserves such abuse. Indeed, I was pleasantly and innocently asking when the shower is on Saturday, and the thanks I get is what I just told you - screaming, vicious verbal abuse. Completely out of the blue.

That makes no sense to me at all. And frankly, I'm tired of her treating me as if I am some can she can kick around. So tired of it that I am about ready to just walk out the door and never look back.

But at the same time, I know that to do that is immoral and unethical. I pride myself on doing things I won't look back at the end of my life with regret.

Once Mother came out of her bedroom, she was still mad as a hornet. I told her that I don't know who she thinks I am, but I am not someone she can talk to in that manner. That I have had enough of such behavior. That if she had changed her mind about going to the baby shower, all she need have done when I asked the time of the shower is to pleasantly respond, "I'm not feeling well and I've decided I don't want to go. You can drop me off at my friend's house later for me to bring them the baby gifts." I explained that is the civilized way to behave.

I can tell you that if I had screamed and freaked when I was a child or teenager, she would have said something very similar to me in response (she always disciplined using reason and conversation, never with spanking or freaking out, and in this role reversal I find myself in, I also find myself using reason and conversation with her.)

But I AM sick of this. Utterly fed up.

She takes medicines daily (I ensure she swallows them, so it's not that she's skipping her meds.)

She HAS complained in the last few weeks of gastrointestinal problems. Every time, I suggest the great doctor for that, whom I like and she likes very much. She states each time that she "doesn't want to go. I won't go."


She's 78 years old. I have power of attorney and all that stuff, but those don't kick in unless she's declared incompetant or she's incapacitated in the hospital - you know how those things work. So I can't force her to the doctor at this stage. I'm sure she doesn't feel well. But that does not excuse the abuse she slings at me. I know she wouldn't dare treat these two elderly friends of hers like that.

Anyway, thanks for the vent. And I'd love to hear any advice.

It's the disease not her.Talk to her Dr maybe a different medication can help..........

Hi ec. I know first hand what you are talking about. My mom says terrible thing to me, calls me names, etc and she almost always, talking 95% of the time will argue with me regardless of what I suggest. We have been living with and taking care of her for almost a year and have been called names and treated badly for a good part of it. I have to keep reminding myself that this is NOT my mom..it is a disease, albeit, this is a hard thign to do and takes time to understand, but it does work. The hurt of her words and ways goes deep, but again, just keep reminding yourself that it is not your mother speaking and treating you so bad.

Believe that you are doing a wonderful thing taking care of her, don't feel guilt for any decisions you may make, (caregiving facility) and remember...it is NOT her behaving like this, it is a disease!!! AND, keep us posted as to how you and her are doing.

It does help to understand that your mother has psychotic tendencies, not(or in addition to) dementia. Please realise it is not always either/or. One diagnosis doesn't rule out anaother disorder. Nothing stays the same.

You are a wonderful daughter to keep your mother safe and as happy as can be. In your log, note time of day, interaction with others, and even what she ate, as it relates to outbursts.

I really hope you can avoid letting it get you down. Yes, that would be hard, Mom has not screamed at me so I should not speak, yet still, we have had moments that were very strange. (It is getting stranger by the day.)

ec, it's like this: Your mother is NOT herself anymore. This is DISEASE screaming at you. When you can think about it dispassionately and realize how screwed up your mother's inner thoughts are, you may can understand how/why she behaves this way. She simply cannot help it. It's hard for us to put up with and hard to live with, but I cannot even begin to imagine how utterly frustrating and downright maddening it is to experience the kind of inner systems failures our LOs are experiencing that they cannot even verbalize for the most part! Difficult as it sounds, this is when she needs comforting and some understanding, guidance, encouragement and reassurance from you.

Take heart. This period of behavior passes and there will come a day when you almost long for those off-the-wall firey scenes because after a time, they no longer can really put up any kind of a fight, even an inappropriate one.

While your mom may have been initially diagnosed with what's in your profile, this can also be the early manifestation of dementia of many causes. Many times dementia is mistaken for organic psychiatric diseases. Please have her checked out by a geriatric neurologist.

The bi-polar stuff is hard. When Mom was down, she was calm, but could become "scary" down; when she was coming up, she was a kick in the pants and the life of the party. When she peaked and was on the downside of the high, she could become irritable and downright mean. This was DISEASE making my mother behave like someone she wasn't! She could be cunning, sweet, downright ugly, sneaky, manipulative, etc. and was absolutely delightful, funny, intelligent and verbal until her last breath, but she was not responsible for her behavior. Her impulse control and judgment were the first to go and a whole lot followed.

Caring for people with brain disease and unpredictable behavior is a difficult task. You simply have to separate yourself emotionally from your patient. It may SOUND like the most personal of stuff she's spewing, but it isn't anything personal - it is DISEASE. Her mouth is running with no one at the controls!

This isn't a task that everyone can undertake. Dealing with people whose behaviors and cognitive abilities are affected can be very trying. If it DOES get on your last nerve, there is no shame in saying that you cannot handle it and putting her in a caregiving facility.

For some reason, they are always meanest toward the ones who are their primary caregivers. My husband got a chewing out from his mom last week. She's usually uncommunicative, can barely sit up in her wheelchair, but decided she wanted to go bike riding with him and was ANGRY when he suggested that it was too hot outside and, "maybe next time." He got the whole, "I raised you! etc. etc." rant. It was actually kind of funny.

But others who see her about once or twice a year get treated like visiting royalty. It's the nature of the dementia beast, I guess. And it gets easier to shrug off as time goes on. Still a little hurtful deep down, but ... you know ...

EC Im not there and cant see what your seeing but I will tell you this my mom went through this before she died (variable emotions at times) from happy to sad to angry....from what I understood at the time it all had to do with mortality.
Moms friends had been droppin like flies to the point her jaunts to the Senior Center got fewer and fewer.
Sad REALLY sad cause there wasnt a thing I could do except be that whippin post.
Then the neighbor cross the way passed and the proverbial poop hit the fan with mom.

We are young sweetie (well you know) and we cant possibly know what their feeling.
When she calms down ask her if theres anything you can say or do to make it better...I know its just words but it will take the guilt away from her for yelling at you without having to come right out and beat that topic once again.
Sometimes we just need to give them the floor and let them rant because their not ready to come right out and tell you whats bothering them.

And just as a precaution has she been checked for a UTI lately?
Unusual outbursts such as this that arent the "norm" hit me as suspect.
Hope this helps

Hi and thank you for the words of encouragement and advice. Bobcat, in my profile (I think if one click's my name the profile pops up) is my Mother's diagnosis. Medicines are so vital for her. If I had not been ensuring she takes these meds, then I would think her behavior is from incorrect med doseage. But it's not that as she has done as well as can be expected on the last dosage adjustment, which was some time ago.

Perhaps she does have an infection of some sort. Yes, she is usually incontinent (urine). She wears adult diapers - has had to do so for a few years now.

It's the behavior towards me that wears me down. She would not treat her two elderly friends - the one who invited her and the other one who called her today - that way. She can hold her tongue, clearly, when she wants to do so. I've seen her in action on that for awhile - act very nice to someone and as soon as she's left their presence she's viciously complaining to me about them or what they said.

The idea of keeping a log - that's a good idea. At the same time, it means being around her to continue to be the brunt of her horridness, and I'm not willing to continue to do that. Thus, why I tell her her behavior is out of line. Behavior has consequences - even with elderly people, I believe it is important to remind that behavior has consequences because abusive behavior towards others drives them away.

When I got home this evening (before I logged on here) I explained to her that I am at the end of my rope with incivility. That she is taking her medicines, she has all the comforts of home, she's better off than most of the people around here (3rd world like conditions for many people here - and I have personally been to the homes of too many families where elderly mom or dad share a two room home with crumbling adobe walls, no electricity, bad plumbing, no healthcare, etc etc).

I'm venting. Thinking of your idea, bobcat, to log it and note any other out of the line behaviors lately. She's behaved without civility a number of times since the start of June - usually the behavior has resembled a spoiled brat child demanding toys. One such example, screaming in anger that "I wanted to buy a bath towel and you wouldn't let me!" That was one of several uncivilized incidents in June. (Two days prior to her tantrum, while we were at the store she wanted to buy a bath towel. We already have so many bath towels we hardly have room for them, literally. They stuff the linen closet, we have over 20 some odd practically new bath towels. I simply answered her with civility that we have bath towels already, and never gave it a second thought. The previous day I had been to a home where the couple and widowed elderly mother with double amputee in wheelchair had just had one wall of their pitiful, tiny rented ground floor flat cave in from a hard rainstorm. They probably shared one or two bath towels between all three of them. I'd noted there was very little food in the house, etc etc - got them another place to stay temporarily but my point is there are so many people around here who live in squalor, it's tragic, and I come home to a woman who rages, acts spoiled rotten, wants wants wants and does not count her many blessings.)

I've just about had all I can stomach of it.

Thanks for the hugs. I need them today.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: ec kostrubala,

Hi ec,

I just wanted to echo what Bobcat said -- don't judge your mom the way you'd judge a child or younger adult who acted that way. It's very doubtful she is consciously deciding to be awful. Much more likely there is an underlying cause she doesn't recognize or can't articulate. That doesn't make it easier to take but can save you time trying to be reason with her about it. Look for physical problems, as suggested. If there are more incidents of the kind, talk to her physician. Big hugs and best of luck to you.

Hi, ec, haven't seen you around in a while, sorry you are having this sort of trouble. I cannot recall if your mother has any form of dementia, or her medical history, but usually such behavior can be related to a confusing stage of dementia or an infection, like a UTI (if this is a radical departure from the norm).

I can well imagine you were shocked. Sometimes others have found that if you just say nothing at all, they seem unaware of what happened later and it is for the best not to bring it back up. However any departure from the norm should be noted with caution. It can be a symptom of something needing attention. Keep a log. Could she have had an episode of incontinence that she can't face?

I hope someone will have a better idea, but I do know that sometimes defending your self will drag it on. Vent away, but there is something going on with your mother that just isn't right. I hope you can get her to the doctor.

Hugs to you, I know this caught you off guard and I am so sorry, but the tactics that work when you raise a child are not always going to work for an elder. One is growing towards independence and the other is facing a increasing loss. Check back soon for better advice.