I'm new to the forum and have never posted anywhere before, but I am about at the end of my rope. My Mom does not have dementia, she is just getting older (83)and is not herself anymore (well, maybe she is herself still-very opinionated, self-centered, etc., etc.). At this point in my life is it getting to me. I live about 50 miles away from her. Since it is a major metropolitan area, it takes me about an hour to an hour and a half to get to her house. I try to visit once a week and I talk to her on the phone EVERY day, usually several times. I try very hard to think of things to talk with her about, but she asks question after question, many of which are very personal (about my life, my children's and my grandchildren's lives) and it is just getting to me. Most of her friends are deceased, as are most of her close family members. My husband and I offered to purchase her a computer last year so she could keep in touch with still living family/friends, access websites, etc., but she would have none of that. She does not leave the house except to go to the doctor or the beauty parlor, or the occasional trip to the grocery store as she has COPD and must have oxygen 24/7. She has a "handyman" who does odd jobs, errands for her, etc. I feel so sorry for her - she has always been a beautiful, vibrant woman. She had a wonderful career and raised two successful children all alone. She has always been a "beauty" and it is very hard on her now that she thinks her "looks" are fading (she is STILL gorgeous!!!). I love her very much, but she won't help herself. We have all tried to get her to move closer-my brother and I live in the same city, but she says "I can't afford it". She can afford it quite well. I know that she is angry and I get angry with myself for not being more compassionate, but after a while, I just get worn down. When I show my anger, she says, "You are all I have", which makes me feel even worse. Does anyone have any suggestions (yes, I have already talked with her 4 doctors, one of whom said straight out, "Your mother is the rudest person I have ever met"). How can I make her happier? How can I not get angry when she is so unkind? Most of all, what can I do to make her life better? Thanks for listening-sorry I rambled on so long.

Belated welcomes to ECO, Bright Eyes. Honey, please give yourself a pat on the back for caring and trying, and then give yourself a break. You say this has always been a part of your mother's personality, but that she had a good career, raised successful children, had friends and close family members (most of whom are gone now). It would take a very strong minded, independent person to do all that and I can well imagine that she can be overwhelming now that her world has shrunk, to retired life, kids grown, tied to an O2 tank, and only a few people to talk to.

You can't change the facts for her, and while it is possible to make someone miserable, you can't make someone happy. You offered to help her move closer, but she doesn't want to "give up" the few familiar things left to her. Perhaps she's been going to the same beauty parlor for years, or she trusts the handyman. They are familiar and of her own choosing. (I wonder if she is rude to them, for a doc to say something like that is amazing.) Many of our elders become depressed as the world of their prime slowly disappears around them.

She has 4 docs? Did any of them think she is depressed? With the COPD, she likely does have trouble getting out to do the types of things that eleviate depression.

If she has not used a computer before, I can understand why she would resist one. They can be very intimidating, but the grandchildren of one of my aunts bought her a lap top (wasn't as intrusive in her space) and a printer when she was in her late 80's. She did learn to type up a letter, get and send e-mail, and surf a little within the parental locks they placed on it. (Can't have Granny unexpectedly opening up a porn site now, can we?) They had to stop by everyday while granny learned to use it. That could be a problem.

If you have a laptop yourself, do you take it with you when you visit? Tote it along because there is something you think she would like to see, like the cute photos of cats and dogs, or the chalk drawings on sidewalks, or the amazing house in Costa Rica made out of an old plane that people can stay in. Check you e-mail and make sure you have one with a picture attached of one of your grandchildren (Oh, Mom, look at this!!) Then take it home, don't even bring up the idea of her having one. After a few times I'll bet she wants one. You will know if she ever says, "How do you do that?"

Your mom has obviously lost the motivation to do anything productive because of the thought that she is old and "fading" and alone ("you are all I have"). I would try making her feel part of the family by having the whole family visit her at least every 2 wks or once a month to have a get-together and just enjoy each other's company. Then in one of those days, I would open up or offer her to go with me to one of the activities suggested in the other posts here. She would realize that she is still "georgeous" if she starts going to groups where she can relate to people of her age and interests. Definitely keep up with the salon visits. Hope this works.

Just a thought here. If your Mother is a member of any church (even if she hasn't gone in years), see if you can call them and tell them she needs visitors.

I gave Mom the hookup to a church here when she moved in with me. One of the ladies came once a week, religiously. Mom really liked her after she got to know her.

Its a shame your Mothers health is failing. If it weren't she could volunteer to do something to make her feel more worthwhile. Also its a shame she lives so far from you, and won't move closer.

She sounds as many elders do, isolated, when all their friends and close relatives pass.

I think OnlyCarol is right -- a hobby might help the situation considerably. Or a different hobby, since you seem to be her current hobby.

Are there family photos that need to be labeled and arranged? Or a family tree that would be interesting to document? Often only an elder can do that accurately. Something that gives her a sense of purpose might help a lot.

I have a mother like yours, except that I have been living with her for 14 years now. I am still working, but when I get home my life is caregiving. My sister, who is 65, has Alzheimer's and lives 5 hours away, so even when she was lucid, she wasn't much help. I think you just have to learn to seek out and enjoy what there is to enjoy in life, and don't let your mother's inability to enjoy her own life get to you. You said, "I feel sorry for her". Why? She had a wonderful life that has now moved on to the next stage, and she still has control of her own situation. The fact that she thinks her looks are fading--no sympathy here as I consider one's appearance something that is somewhat determined by genetics, and thus is not a personal accomplishment. She sounds like she wants you to be miserable, and is going to control you with guilt. That is, as long as you let her. The key to all this is your comment at the beginning. She is still essentially the same, and will try to be opinionated and self-centered as long as it gets her what she wants. So, resolve to get what YOU want whenever you can, and try to get her to talk about what will make her fulfilled that SHE can get to doing, thinking, and being. It does sound like she needs an outlet, but until she decides to get one, you are not obligated to be it. Does she have a hobby? If she "had a life", she wouldn't be asking you all those questions about yours--she would be telling you what interesting thing she did that day. No pity parties and no guilt trips can start if you don't accept that invitation or buy that ticket.