How the hell did I land in this role??? I am the youngest. My sister and I have had maybe 2 arguements in our whole lives together. Now I seem to be butting heads with everyone. Mother, sister, brother, HUSBAND!!!!!! MYSELF!!! I just had another blow up with my mom. The Parkinsons meds are confusing you mom and I can't tell which is confusion and which is just downright hard to get along with these days. SOOOOO much is thrown on me to figure out and FIX or do you just tell me so I get pissed and upset and then you get mad at me for getting upset....??? I live 30 miles away from you and Carol lives 2 minutes away and I feel like if I don't fix it, nobody will, and mom, you are beginning to play us against each other I think.... is that really you mom ?? or the meds??????? or the Parkinsons????? You tell me all the things that the Alzheimers does to Carl and he then does to you and then I get upset and you get upset at me for getting upset and making a "big deal out of it"!!!!!!!! I am lost. I am not only second guessing every move I make, but third, fourth and fifth guessing myself. You wanted to know what happened to your Maalox, where is it where is it, I'm here mom, far away, just have Carl go get you some more tomorrow morning. Sure.....so today you tell me that he got ROBITUSSIN instead because you wrote it down for him but he had to ask a girl to find it for him and she couldn't read your writing so he brought home the cough syrup instead!!!!!!!!!!! And you laugh!!!! It's all soooo funny and not a big deal but you still want to know where your Maalox is, and you're mad at me because I'm upset with Carl and you keep making excuses for him and not realizing it's the freaking ALZHEIMERS!, he shouldn't even be driving!!!! But you will not recognize it...you just fight me on everything....yet you want to pretend life is just the same as it always was, meanwhile, you are falling, Carl is getting lost on his errands and ending up on the turnpike heading south for hours and has to ask someone to bring him home, a perfect stranger, and between the two of you, you don't know where your money is and he loses the mail and you are being charged late charges and I cannot keep track of it all!!!!! And yet, where are you? Are you coming in today Maggie?? Can you spend he night?? I have a husband, I have health issues of my own, I have a mom who needs more continuous care and will not admit it and who is now compounded by the meds side effects. I give up!!!!!!! But, only for the moment. I am taking the phone off the hook, getting the wine, taking a pain pill and wrapping myself in my afghan and hopefully I will wake in the morning with more patience and hopefully you will not keep disliking me mom. I've spent my life trying not to have any regrets, but I think all my hopes are going down the drain. I can't fix you mom, I can't make it all go away. I can't be there and I can't make you happy and I can't make you young again, and most of all, I can't figure out how to GET THINGS DONE THAT YOU NEED AND YET NOT MAKE YOU MAD AT ME. Right now, I am all out of answers. No matter what I do,you just are not happy anymore. I don't like this position. I don't want to be the boss, but if I am not, nobody is.

[

quote:

You Both deserve to live in peace

Hannah..... It is so true.
MB, Needle point for sure.

quote:

Don't feel guilted into sacrificing more that you can reasonably offer.

Hannah, that's worthy of NEEDLEPOINT!
So much needless strife could be avoided if folks would let themselves off the hook sometimes and perform the role that suits them best. It really does need to be a win-win situation...

quote:

Originally posted by JCM:
At this point, my 88-year-old father is driving me INSANE! He has been living with me and my husband for over a year, and I feel like I'm being pushed out of my own home. He has taken over the living room and doesn't seem to care that he is bugging the heck out of me!! He coughs and spits and makes all kinds of noises that really have no medical basis and it is driving me insane!! I've asked him to be a little quieter, but he just keeps on. I work from home and I sit here in my office on the computer, with music loud and everything else trying to drown out his grunts and sputs and spits and such just to keep from throwing something through the wall at him!! Can somebody PLEASE tell me how to get through this!! I honestly feel like he needs psychiatric care but can't make him understand that.

Dear JCM,
Save your sanity, your job, your life. I agree with MB that your Dad needs an eval and diagnosis first and foremost because possibly there are medications that would help him. You may also want to consider assisted living and ask for a tour of one in your area to see if it is a match for your Dad's needs. My Mom was initially upset about going, didn't want to, cried...it was horrible. About a month after she moved into her "apartment" she loved it, had a friend, was in a walking group, and I had my home and sanity back. Trust me that you will still be doing enough caretaking even WITH him in the AL that you will be a valuable part of your Dad's life. Sometimes we think we are doing the best for our patient by keeping them at home...doing our duty as daughters, etc. But in reality they have needs medically, psychologically etc, that we aren't trained to handle. With my Mom in the assisted living place, I was able to still be "the daughter" without being "the nurse" which I am just not suited to do. Don't feel guilted into sacrificing more that you can reasonable offer. Your life is just as valuable as his. You BOTH deserve to be living in peace.

Welcome, JCM. The irritations you are speaking of are very common in elderly folks. They are habits that develop over a lifetime, and particularly when a person has lived alone.

I understand your need also, as interruptions while working at home are the stuff of nightmares!
You COULD try to speak with him about it, but chances are he is largely unaware of how ANNOYING the sounds of his existance can be to another person. If wearing a full-coverage headset (not the little surface earphones or earbuds) doesn't quiet things down enough for you to be able to concentrate, then he really IS making too much racket and another location will have to be found either for your office or for his daytime hangout.

These kind of annoyances are not insignificant... most folks learn to tune them out... not that they ever totally go away... they just diminish to background white noise, like with learning to tune out normal kid noises (it's when they get quiet that one becomes anxious...). If you absolutely cannot learn to tune him out, either he is needing attention or you may be resenting more than just the sounds and need to address those issues.

Good luck!

JCM Welcome in so glad you found us

This is truly a lesson in patience Im tellin ya. Have you had him diagnosed yet?
What I can tell you so far is that it sounds like he's begging for attention and since he's not getting it he produces these *noises* that happen to irritate the heck outta you to get your attention no matter if its in a derogatory manner to him at least its attention
This work at home stuff leaves the door open to people who dont understand the concept so you must go over the finer details of it ie when the door is shut Mom/daughter/wife is at work, that means no interruptions
But and here is the exception if Dad is suffering from AD then that little rule flies out the window...the loud music oh sweetie this can and will get him agitated real quick, but I know where your coming from have no doubt.
Get him a doc appt. ask for an evaluation of your dad then go from there
When this is done things will start to make some sort of sense to you as you will then know better how to handle things from here on out
Please keep us posted on your progress JC

At this point, my 88-year-old father is driving me INSANE! He has been living with me and my husband for over a year, and I feel like I'm being pushed out of my own home. He has taken over the living room and doesn't seem to care that he is bugging the heck out of me!! He coughs and spits and makes all kinds of noises that really have no medical basis and it is driving me insane!! I've asked him to be a little quieter, but he just keeps on. I work from home and I sit here in my office on the computer, with music loud and everything else trying to drown out his grunts and sputs and spits and such just to keep from throwing something through the wall at him!! Can somebody PLEASE tell me how to get through this!! I honestly feel like he needs psychiatric care but can't make him understand that.

Another thing I have discovered there are those who are just hoping and waiting for you to fall flat on your face.Your strength is intimidating to them.They refuse to see each of us has areas where we are stronger then others.

Wen good suggestion.To let these feelings out helps so much.We have to temember we are humans and not robuts.If you would have told me I would be responsible for others to the extent I have been , I would have said you are crazy.I was thrust into it and had to learn as I went along.With only my hubby I continue to learn.To be honest this has been the most difficult and heart wrenching years for me.Taught me alot of life lessons, so much about my self .Also became to informed.I had to change my attitude about so many things.Mainly how I perceived things.I always had all these answers for others and never thought I would have to apply them to my life.I really had to wake up and smell the coffee

Maggie
I am only new but boy I'm glad I found this site, just grit your teeth and smile I know it's hard but as a carer you know what is best for your mum and yourself, so just keep on going and let the anger out here instead of elsewhere, as sometimes we all can feel like it.

Just take deep breaths and do as I do one day at a time as a carer of 2 I know and so does everyone here how hard it can get sometimes, but just talk about it, or maybe attend a carers group to talk things over.

beleive in karma and you will get there.

Maggie,You certainly are torn between your self and others.It is though you were on a merrygo round and cannot get off.So much stress for one person to deal with alone.
First , step back, look at each situation as it is.If you allow everyone to desiginate you as the chosen one you will be asking for more then a full plate.There are certain things you have to view as what they are.Parents have this need to make excuses for those they know are less reliable.Some of the disagreements with mom have to roll off your shoulders.When we are dealing with dementia we are dealing with a person inability to reason.They forget, they get confused.
We all like to be viewed as the responsible one.That is a sign of character.With that comes the ability to assign others task to help care for the one afflicted.There is always something they can do to help.I would not disguss anything of a personal manner around mom.For one , to have confusion causes them to become upset and agitated.You have to allow your self not to be anyones whipping board.No one died and made them your boss.Know your limits and let them be known.It makes you no less of a person.It makes you better as you are able to say I need help and I cannot do this all alone.You need them to step forward and behave like mature adults.Do not be intimidated by any comments directed toward you.You have to sets limits on what you will do and what you will tolerate.Have confidence and never apply guilt to your self.Apply what you would suggest to anyone in your position to your self.If you allow otherws to run all over you, you will loose respect for your self and the anger will only grow.
For so long I have been telling my brother to stand up and be aman.Have some balls.Well, there was a area in my life that I was not practicing what I preached.I took alook of the ramifications for not doing what was in my head instead of my heart.I made the choice that was best for me instead of waht would make another happy.I had and have always been the responsible one.When my decision was based on anotherws well being I am happy with the decisions.I have also learned you can only turn the cheek so many times.You look at the total picture.You take your cue from past exoeriences.When I made this decision I used all that I have described.I may have made someone unhappy, not be the most popular person, but I can accept this because I know the decision was right for me.I shocked a few who never heard me refuse anything.I also learned that the more you give does not mean the more respect you receive.You have to respect your self first.You cannot look for others to give you a sense of who you are and your self worth.That comes from within.OTHERS CHOOSE TO PLACE YOU IN A MOLD THAT FITS THEIR PURPOSE.wELL THAT MOLD CAN BE BROKEN.

Lisa, you are so right when you emphasize the importance of having the right meds for those with Parkinsons/Lbd.I learned very early to detect any changes in hubby when new meds were prescribed.I use to tell him he needed to pay attention to his body but he could never tell the difference.I could tell when the changes came about.The time period was always the same.He could not take certain meds for prostrate because of the meds.This is another problem I do not see addressed.Prostrate and some of the signs.They can be seen as just simple urinateing problems.Because meds could enhance his physical and emootional stae many meds were not given.Namenda for one.Geodon, not as long as his behavior remains the same.Thank god his doctors at the VA talk with me and get my input.More than I can say for many others I have dealt with , with mother and hubby.
HIS NURSE TOLD ME SHE HAD A PATIENT THAT SHE FELT NEEDED THEIR MEDS CHANGED FOR THE BETTER.DOCTOR REFUSED AND THE LADY IS NOW IN A NH.I told her this wife had the choice of changing the meds.But I guess she was ill informed, I told those where my mother was if they did not put her back on Geodon, which was a wonder for her, I would come there and do it for them.I have alot of patience but when I know I am right and someone choices to disregard me, I will have their number and share it with others.
Medicine is one of the biggest causes of our loved ones going down hill.I would love to get some of these doctors in a room and make them repeat this over and over so they understand and apply this knowledge.They make me get so hot under the collar

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Originally posted by T.O.R.P.:

quote:

Originally posted by mae:
Hannah, It took so long to convince the doctors that I thought my hubbie had signs of LBD with the parkinsons.Many are not familiar with LBD.

And even more of them don't really think it's relevant to come up with a definitive diagnosis.

That's so true TORP, but a CORRECT diagnosis is critical to get out LO's on the right meds.

If you are dealing w/LBD, or Parkinsisms or Parkinson's w/lewy body(there are so many different names to similar diseases). Parkinson drugs can make other symptoms WORSE. That why we as CG have to be advocates for our LO's.

Hang in there maggie-you're doing a good job!!

quote:

Originally posted by mae:
Hannah, It took so long to convince the doctors that I thought my hubbie had signs of LBD with the parkinsons.Many are not familiar with LBD.

And even more of them don't really think it's relevant to come up with a definitive diagnosis.

Hannah, It took so long to convince the doctors that I thought my hubbie had signs of LBD with the parkinsons.Many are not familiar with LBD.

I went through this EXACT same thing with my Mom with her telling me one thing one day and one thing the next and then I felt like an idiot or 'the bad person' for following the first thing! Once she asked me to tell an ex-boyfriend of hers to stop visiting her and after I did she changed it and he still hates me to this day. It is definitly the disease and not you and not her. If your Mom has Parkinson's symptoms with confusion, you may want to look into the possibility of Lewy Body Disease. My Mom started with Parkinson's tremors, then confusion - mostly difficulty finding words, then hallucinations (which first appeared as "nightmares"). Check into it because the meds can be different. As to the saying one thing one day and another thing the next, sorry to say this but it only gets worse. My Mom can now change her answer to a question like, "Are you cold?" from moment to moment and there is no way to know which answer is the truth. It makes it difficult with siblings because your Mom may tell them one thing and you another which leads to stress between the two of you. You can't wait for her to "admit" to the need for more care. That is like asking a teenager to admit they are immature. I advise you to get an evaluation from a neurologist and ask for specific written recommendations for care so you and your siblings are all on the same page.

First of all Maggie welcome in. Now breath...take a deep breath.
We know how you feel and your among friends.
Sweetie this is the disease, try as they may they are trying their hardest to make sense themselves but these diseases makes it impossible. Brain is broken lights on no one is home edit button is broken ect ect ect.
Your stressed you betcha! Your trying to figure out how to fix it, but Maggie that just cant be done. Its not about fixing whats wrong its all about addressing the new behaviors that crop up with these diseases, its all about giving them comfort care now. Your trying to decide whether Mom is doing what shes doing deliberately or not, she is no longer a high functioning adult nor is Carl (?) for that mater.
On this subject of Carl is he diagnosed w/AD? If so you need to take the keys to his car away now before he seriously hurts someone or himself. If hes diagnosed the PCP should have reported this to the DMV main and his license taken away by now. Next step the keys need to be *lost* so he cant drive anywhere on his own. The two of them, are they living on their own? This is a really bad idea if they are accidents can happen.
I know your sister and you are arguing but its time to put this all aside for the sake of these 2 people, you are both way too stressed to be doing all this on your own its now time to sit down an have a family meeting here... apologize blame the stress of this situation (this is a common side effect of CG the snapping back and forth) you 2 have to recognize this right here and now before the real damage is done and it cant be fixed. Sweetie Id hate to see you go down this road.
Now make that call to your stressed out sister tell her how stressed you are then tell her you both need to talk about whats going on and to stop the tug of war goin on here once and for all. You'll be glad you did
Tell us how it goes ok

Maggie, You sure do have a lot on your plate right now. It'd be enough to take anyone to the edge. If you are the only one who seems to be taking all this seriously it gets lonely fast. Believe it or not, they probably aren't trying to sabotage you. All though on purpose or not, the results are the same, for you. Can you have a meeting, explain some of theproblems, and then ask for input? They are all relying on you to be the one in charge and straighten out the mess. I have surprised myself at the level of manipulator I can reach. It's an old technique, really, but by asking their input and calmly appear to consider thier moronic attempts, you start to drop the ball in their court. Maybe ask one of them to type up a preprinted list of supplies needed on a regular basis so all you need to have on that trip to the store is check off the items for that day and it's typed. I have a list for each store we shop and can send someone else off with the list for that store and to pick up extras of things getting low. We no longer run out of something we have to have.
Good luck to you. Involving others and then stepping back to let them do it is no easy trick but will payoff in the long run.
Good luck, vent and rant all you need to. It's good to let off the steam.
Respectfully yours, Bobcat.