i can feel the depression sneaking up on me. i cant get my mom to leave me alone hardly for one minute, i have to sneak to places to have privacy. i feel like i am 16 again, i hated it then and i really hate it now- at 52 years old!!!
she is 79 and lost her place in katrina and now is with us a year- but i still cared for her since 88 or so - really earlier before dad passed away with stroke. and she has made me her whole life. wont make friends unless they are mine... and then she will get mad at them and i am the go be tween...
how can i keep this up?? my sister wont helpblue really. shes in kansas, and i am to the point where i cant stand my own mother!!! can this be normal??? i cant even look at her!i just cant stand to be around her, its like i am being smothered!!!!

Edwina,
I don't like my Mom either. She smothers me if given a teeny tiny chance. She always has been like this even before the illness. You hide yourself, you lie, you preserve yourself as best you can. This person is not your Mom, she is her illness at this point and you must survive. It does not help her one tiny bit if you go crazy. It does not help her one tiny bit if you become the go between and become 16 again. The absolute only thing it does is eat away at you. You are not obligated to give your life over to this disease. Your life is yours. Take it back while you still can.

Don't ever be afraid to seek help wherever you can find it!

thank you so much. i wish i could be on this board more. i knowits already helped me so much and i dont feel alone anymore...

Edwina--The suggestion to put your mom in adult daycare is a pretty good one. I just started my MIL recently. Her and my FIL always want "the family" (they had one son, my husband) to take care of their every need. Here with "the family" for eleven years and made zero friends no matter how much we suggested it...but now my MIL is socializing at the daycare some and opening up to others some and so it seems good for now. I don't know though if that is available where you are. Maybe not, although the Dept. of Aging suggestion is also very useful--they would direct you. Daycare here does cost money, so not sure if your mom has any assets, but it gets you some hours of your own too. Our hearts are with you Edwina. You're a good woman. My sister and I were seven years apart--the bonding with that big an age diffence is often not strong enough--with any siblings--not just you two, so don't feel too badly. I think my sister Ellen and I both wanted to be closer, but instead it was a mess. She died of pancreatic cancer a year ago this spring. You do the best you can, and let the rest go, or that's my way of dealing with life. It's tough being a human, but hey, at least we are at the top of the food chain. Let us know how it goes. It is good to have cyber friends to bounce off of Edwina.

I hear you loud and clear. I just wrote my own post about my mother/sister situation. I feel like crying right now .. and maybe I will !!

Just big hugs to Edwina. Some moments (and days)really suck. Allll these emotions and nowhere to put them, thank God there is this wall to slam up against and get it all out.
I'm in the beginning stages of seriously caregiving for my mom and her husband who has dementia. So far so good, but I am realistic enough to know what the future holds. Just wanted to tell you I totally appreciate your anger and your courage to get it all out. God bless you and your situation and help you find some peace and solace....BIG, BIG SUPPORTIVE HUG KIDDO.
Maggie

thank you all so much.
you know... as i read all what you all wrio\ote, i was thinking about the life mom and i had when i was younger. we did seem to not get along at all! and always fought..
so then i grew up married, and poof, within maybe 10 or so years of marriage i became very ill and folks cared for me and then after i got somewhat better- i cared for them when dad had strokes... and mom couldnt drive, etc,
then dad passed in 88 and then it was continuous , mom moved further away and i drove to her place most everyday- about 40 minutes or so... to take her to places and now she is with us.
i think it is in a way mourning , but im not sure what im mourning. i think to the biggest extent- my life. i have always been martin wife ot folks daughter.
i have never had a chance to be me.
and i know i complain and gripe but still i see my blessings in all this, i realise the lord is for sure probably trying to get me to learn something here but i must be a alfully slow learner! ha!
as for loving mom? sometimes i am overwhelmed with love for her till i cry and then other times i cant stand to be around her..
i dont know. maybe my meds arent wking as well anymore???
i take anti depressive cause of low dopamine cause of all my illnesses... could that be making my feelings go so haywire?
and agin, i thank you all so much. i really pray for each of you. i am so glad i found this place.

Edwina: You're probably doing a fabulous job in taking care of your mother and I know this means great balancing between what you overtly show and what you internally feel. Sometimes, no matter how great a job we do, to feel ok as if this change we take on doesn't affect us and it's life as usual is completely another challenge. I'm sure you realize that who your mother is now and who she was before are two different people. And I hope that you realize that what you feel is normal and the bottom line is trying to find a safe place within yourself where you don't emotionally go beyond where you really don't have to.

Two things MB said, ring loud and clear: "I think your mom is probably extra clingy and confused because of what she has gone through and the loss she has suffered" and most important because I'm sure you understand the "whys" already but it doesn't necessarily take away the bad feelings: "You have to learn how to put some distance between you, just as parents have to do with their children." I highly doubt after all these years that you've taken care of your mother, that you're mourning the loss of who she once was (although I'm sure you miss her) and are probably mourning your own life as you once knew it. "Why" you're feeling miserably is something anyone could relate to either out of fear and thankfulness that they're not doing it or because they're doing it too.....like me!

Distance, detachment, call it what you like....an opportunity to get your feelings out can sometimes help clear all the crappy feelings....coming here to purge....knowing that there are others who are in your situation, who don't do too much psycho-babble analyzing and who know that sometimes there isn't a bandaid to fix this but compassion and relating to what you're going through...... You're going to get through this, you're going to get beyond this and you're going to be ok!

Heartfelt,
Sandy

Edwina, besides the care, etc. nearly everyone in our area is suffering from PTSD and depression of one sort or another due to Katrina. Services are harder to find now than ever (and they were scarce as hen's teeth before). Nursing homes are crammed in these parts because so many folks were displaced and facilities destroyed.

With all the terrible stuff that happened as a result of that storm, the people I feel sorriest for are the old folks. They have lost a lifetime and lifestyle and although they can move to other places, they will never be the same and most have trouble adjusting. It breaks my heart.

I think your mom is probably extra clingy and confused because of what she has gone through and the loss she has suffered. I dunno whether she had mental or physical health issues before, but it would not surprise me to learn that she does now.

I am your same age, but my mom is older, now bedridden. When she was still ambulatory, MAN - she was hell on wheels!! Drive a saint to drink, yaknowhutImean?

You have to learn how to put some distance between you, just as parents have to do with their children. We do things for everyone's good and sometime, the people for whom we are responsible don't agree with our assessments, don't cooperate and drive us batty trying to accommodate them.

A great place to get some help and ideas is the local counsil on aging office. They can direct you to any local adult daycare programs, and other activities that might help your mom to have a little life of her own so that maybe you can squeeze in a few hours for your own self!

quote:

Originally posted by edwina:
i can feel the depression sneaking up on me. i cant get my mom to leave me alone hardly for one minute, i have to sneak to places to have privacy. i feel like i am 16 again, i hated it then and i really hate it now- at 52 years old!!!
she is 79 and lost her place in katrina and now is with us a year- but i still cared for her since 88 or so - really earlier before dad passed away with stroke. and she has made me her whole life. wont make friends unless they are mine... and then she will get mad at them and i am the go be tween...
how can i keep this up?? my sister wont helpblue really. shes in kansas, and i am to the point where i cant stand my own mother!!! can this be normal??? i cant even look at her!i just cant stand to be around her, its like i am being smothered!!!!

i know how you feel..but like bunny said..they feel safe with us..my mom use to do that..how i wish we were back at that stage of the desease..now she odesnt know me at all..and i feel like i have lost her..please take some deep breaths..and pray..HE does listen and help..

Edwina Im sorry your feelin this way....But we are just going to have to make this a little better for you we are going to have to try being a little more insightful now....Do you love your Mom? (I know might be a silly question to you) If the answer is yes then have you thought about this...Its not the person you dislike, its the situation that has made you feel this way not your mom. She scoots up next to you and follows you around cause shes lost, your her safe place to fall, her "home", in this illness sorta speak. You are the only person who makes her feel safe. We all get that this can be frustrating but instead of feelin 16 again (and really who would want to travel down that road again?) we need to step back and put ourselves in their shoes for a moment and try to feel what they are feeling so that we can be better cg's to them. Sure this is depressing but again this week I am going to put a label on it...Have you ever thought that you are in mourning? Let me explain....Your in essemce mourning the loss of the person you called mom...she no longer does, act, or say things your "mom" did and your missing that in your heart and head. I see this in my Hunny...I can see it in his eyes...and in a way depression is rearin its ugly head. He tries to get her to do things she used to do but its not working, there is no cooperation... so he gets sad. And whats even more tramatic is the fact that your mom was displaced due to Katrina. This has got alot to do with what you are dealing with right now....I dont know how things are in your area now as far a medical help is concerned but I would suggest that you start hunting down a good Geriatric doc...make an appt. to get her on some meds, maybe an evaluation to change/adjust meds. Check for a UTI ect. And since there is no help from your sister (Im sorry for that ) Get others involved here Get in touch (through the doc) a medical social worker they are good in a pinch and can help you find some outside help if its available in your area.

Dear Edwina: You and I have a lot in common. I'm taking care of both folks. My father suffered a massive stroke years ago and is severely and completely disabled by it. My mother is blind from macular degeneration. I have become her everything. (I put everything in storage last August and have been staying in their guest room taking care of them. This was a decision based on an emergency at the time until everything could be worked out....ha!) I am totally smothered by her presence and keep my distance (for sanity's sake) by sharing very little with her. As with your mother, I am amazed at how sadly she has made me her everything, totally depending on me emotionally as well. I've given up every trace of the life I had before taking care of both of them and rightfully (or wrongfully....it doesn't make a difference right or wrong, really) I maintain my privacy by keeping most everything to myself. I too sneak around (or so it feels) just to maintain some personal space and I too have often felt like I've regressed to being 16 again. I'm 53 y.o. Oh, and I have a brother who has done nothing except stay away. He's in Calif., I'm in southern fla. and a phone call every 2 weeks is what he gives.

I wish I had the magic words to pass on to you but I don't. I know I feel less guilt now than I did at the beginning for all these feelings I have and for things I've said when I couldn't stand it any longer. I've learned to forgive myself for my feelings. I'm entitled to at least this.

So, I know EXACTLY how you feel and what you're going through. Depression sneaking up constantly and trying not to give in to it is very challenging. The only thing that has helped me is forgiving myself for my feelings. I know this isn't necessarily enough but choices are slim so it's a matter of whatever get's me through the day at this point.

Please keep me posted. Your story has mirrored mine in how it's affected you. I'll be looking out for your posts and if there's anything that I can personally answer or help you with, I'll be quick to respond!

Very, Very Heartfelt,
Sandy

quote:

Originally posted by edwina:
i can feel the depression sneaking up on me. i cant get my mom to leave me alone hardly for one minute, i have to sneak to places to have privacy. i feel like i am 16 again, i hated it then and i really hate it now- at 52 years old!!!
she is 79 and lost her place in katrina and now is with us a year- but i still cared for her since 88 or so - really earlier before dad passed away with stroke. and she has made me her whole life. wont make friends unless they are mine... and then she will get mad at them and i am the go be tween...
how can i keep this up?? my sister wont helpblue really. shes in kansas, and i am to the point where i cant stand my own mother!!! can this be normal??? i cant even look at her!i just cant stand to be around her, its like i am being smothered!!!!