i am hardley ever here and id love to be more -but my time is so limited anymore.-
my heart goes out to each of you. we all have somethings in common dont we?
my mom seems to be turning meaner and meaner with her illnesses instead of being a ''kindly little old lady'',
so to speak.
is it just part of the 'process '
that they become mean and cruel to loved ones? why is it that they dont turn loving?
i literally dread checking on my mom at times for fear of being hurt.( more guilt)
i know that her brain is changing,
but it still is so terribly painful all the same.
i am 53 this month and she just turned 80.
does anyones parent turn sweet with this heart- breaking illness?
or does it keep getting worse?
thank you.

edwina, like a hurricane, there is no predictable path this illness takes. it an be slow moving or roar through as a category 5 leaving devastation in it's path. daisy is one who turned for be better in disposition with it. she went from a roost ruling bully to a sweet, content [for the most part] eager to please quiet lady with the manners of emily post. unfortunately, one of her children can't forget who she was and appreciate who she is and another can't stand to see her like this. the third just accepts and is thankful for the time he has. i'm sorry for the emotional pain this causes but as you said, it's not personal. it's an illness and she can't help it. leave the guilt at the door. your are doing the best you can under fire and no one can ask for more. take care of yourself. it does hurt no matter how many layers of kevlar you armor yourself with, the heart is always exposed.

Hang in there Edwina! Taking care of elderly people is ALWAYS a challenge without someone having lost their entire home and familiar surroundings in a single day! MANY of our elderly folks have NOT "bounced back" from the losses they sustained during the hurricane and many are living shortened lives with accelerated mental impairments as a result. It cannot be emphasized how all-encompassing the losses for folks in the areas of devastation has been. It's not like if you have to move - the old neighborhood is still there! It's not like your house burns down, the rest of the town is still there! Folks simply do not understand when we say DEVASTATION, we mean the devastation of entire communities, neighborhoods, towns, social circles and all the services that go along with that! It is more than many elderly people can bear. There are countless deaths that have occurred since the storm that SHOULD have been attributed to Katrina because that's what actually killed the people - they just didn't die quickly enough to get on the official toll. Many more elderly folks have suffered accelerated neurological symptoms and terrible depression because of the stress of the past two years...

Forget the guilt - it's the most destructive, useless emotion there is, I think! Do the best you can and make a peace with the rest, dear!

than you so much has your message has given me some answers - hence- katrina-etc...
i do want to come here more often,
this is a good place to make friends,
as i am finding myself more and more homebound.
i will try and dump the guilt.
ha ha!! i am tired of it.

Edwina, my heart goes out to you. Did she ever get a diagnosis for her illness? Not that putting a name on the disease would make things easier. still prper medication has been known to help.

It sounds as though you are accepting blame and quilt for situations beyond your controll. Even without dementia involved, a force of nature (katrina) stole her home and lifetime collection of meaningful things. True some rise to the occassion but others are bitter and it eats at them, they also may never feel secure again anywhere. None of that was your doing. You have brought her into your home and made a place for her, but gratitude seems beyond her.

Maybe it is fear or resentment, pain or illness, but if it is the only thing she has left to hold onto, then, unfair as it is, you are going to need to find a way to cope with her as she is, not as you wish she could be. Brace yourself, and put aside quilt that she heaps on you.

Dealing with the anger and quilt and hurt is probably the most valuable benefit of a support group and if you can find one in your area (maybe through the local hospital) I really do recommend it. We can support you here, and will, but some people do get more out of face to face contact. Sitting in the same room with others who are in the same fix.

Not all LOs become difficult, but I am not sure what makes the difference. Personality changes are common. If we are doing our best to help them through this phase of life, we have nothing to be quilty for, but learning to put hurt aside is not easy. Yet it must be done for her sake as well as yours and your husband's.

I hope you can stop in more often, Edwina. You are always welcome here.

(((Edwina))) It doesnt matter how long you stay away your friends are always here for you...
You know sweetie it all depends on the person it really does. Some are sweet as pie others, well they can become cantankerous. Its the disease nothing more this anger is not directed towards you all though I know its hard to see it any other way.
Imagine when your sick yourself you dont feel like doin much of anything your cranky you want it over an done with...Well imagine being mom somewhere inside her she knows how sick she is but she cant get over it.
Now with that being said sweetie has she been agitated more so just recently if you have the slightest doubt about anything here with her you should get her in for a check up if at all possible have her tested for a UTI if thats not the case a change in meds might be in order...
Unfortunately sweetie it does get worse there is no cure but we can try to make them more comfortable during this process dont think mom doesnt realize in some small way all that you do.