My mother died of AD two months ago. Her last 2 to 3 weeks of life were horrible for her and her family caring for her while she died in a world she could not remember. Her last 3 weeks she would have preferred not to live. She would have chanted, free Dr. K., Free Dr. K and send him my way. Take this suffering from my back for it is worse than the rack. Free Dr. K! Free Dr. K! AD is not but and illness. It has no heart and no soul. How can we be angry at it. The laws that should be or are illegal. They conflict with the constitution: right to pursuit of happiness. It is the makers,enforcers, and supporters of laws that require our loved ones to suffer longer and die slower that deserves our anger. Free the body, mind, and spirit of Dr. K. He is ahead of society's slow progress.

My mother died of AD two months ago. Her last 2 to 3 weeks of life were horrible for her and her family caring for her while she died in a world she could not remember. Her last 3 weeks she would have preferred not to live. She would have chanted, free Dr. K., Free Dr. K and send him my way. Take this suffering from my back for it is worse than the rack. Free Dr. K! Free Dr. K! AD is not but and illness. It has no heart and no soul. How can we be angry at it. The laws that should be or are illegal. They conflict with the constitution: right to pursuit of happiness. It is the makers,enforcers, and supporters of laws that require our loved ones to suffer longer and die slower that deserves our anger. Free the body, mind, and spirit of Dr. K. He is ahead of society's slow progress.

I hate the men of my race.(black) I know this emotion may be based on an overgeneralization, but when I encounter them I feel as traumatized as if I saw a pit bull. I overlook the minority who are decent, law abiding and family oriented. Instead I focus on those who are criminal, physicaly and psychological abusive to black women and children. Those who are generational beggers who depend on handouts instead of starting businesses of their own like men. Those who spread aids to the innocent in Africa, keep tribal wars going for years and years... Those who hate and hurt the very people they are supposed to protect and love. Part of this feeling stems from my experience of being raped by an black African, and another part stems from daily observations. I'm getting help for my emotional scars, but sometimes I wonder if this feeling will ever go away... With time maybe.

I was angry and writing on this wall and then that @%$#&^AOL cut me off and now I'm really angry. My mom has AD and I've been taking care of her for 2 years, no vacation and none in sight. One of my brothers did take mom for a long weekend last year but I don't think he'll do it again. And like a fool, I spent the whole weekend running around like crazy rather than relaxing. It mostly falls on us women to take care of our LOs. I do everything for my mom, but she always preferred her sons, even now when she greets them she calls them by pet names. I'm the b**** and other unprintable names. She hates my husband and he still tries to be nice to her, but sometimes he gets fed up and shouts at her. I ask her to help me out and try to get along, she smiles and says no problem. Ten minutes later she's cranky and iritable again. I feel terrible, mom is not that bad, she doesn't wander or get violent. She justs sits all day, and doesn't want anyone to clean or garden or do laundry. She yells if I do that stuff, so I have to do it when she sleeps. Thank God she sleeps 12 hours at night! She justs sits there and stares with a blank look on her face. I try to talk and it's impossible to have a conversation. She won't go to daycare, she raised cain when we tried to take her. I'm tired of being the one who does everything. I have to go back to work by the end of the year and I don't know what will happen then. I have two kids and mom loves my son, doesn't really like my daughter. My daughter is little and sometimes doesn't know how to react to grandma. I get anxious, I'm always bracing myself for some blow-up. I had to go to counselling this winter. The counsellor said I should get a divorce. My marriage is suffering, but we had problems before. Still, that's all I need, to divorce my husband of 20 years and take care of my kids by myself. My husband is OK, just has a few problems. Don't we all? I was going through some old letters the other day and found ones my mom had written to my brother 40 years ago. She was so articulate and loving. It was a mother I never knew. Now she is just a shell, she would hang herself if she understood her condition. Does religion help you deal with this. I never was much of a believer but I pray Jesus takes my mom to a betterplace, I pray for all of you, may God or something lighten your load.

My mother has early onset AD. Anger without guilt - hah! Guilt and anger are all I seem to know right now. Anger because my best friend, the person I could always talk to above anyone else, is dead. Well, her body almost lives on, and on, and on, and on... but SHE is dead. Guilt because I'm not there to take care of her. Guilt because my sister is. Guilt because I'm glad I'm not there. Anger because my friends ask, "how's your mom?" somehow expecting this horrible disease to "go away!" IT WILL NEVER GO AWAY! Even 250 miles away it affects every aspect of my life. Every time I forget something I freak. Everytime I talk to my father on the phone I feel guilt and anger. Guilt because I'm not there and don't want to be. Anger because they shouldn't have to be going through this. Anger because as a teacher the summer should be my time to relax. Instead, my stomach is in knots, my head hurts, my temper is short, and I am dreading going home for a visit. I know that when I get there I will be a prisoner in that house with my mother who's life is now reduced to going to the bathroom (which she can no longer tell you she needs to do), eating - because she doesn't remember the meal she just ate, telling her that I'm not going to kill her and that I love her, and trying to keep her from hurting herself. Guilt because I know that my sister and father go through this every day and more. Anger because, why should they have to?! This could go on for years! My father is dying on the inside and the outside because of depression and stress from dealing with this disease. Guilt because I keep asking myself, is it time to put her body in a nursing home now? They live in a small town, and basically have no help except for my sister or when I go to visit. For my own mental health I can't stay there for long - more guilt! My sister is exhausted and my niece and nephews suffer too from this disease. My dad has no friends hardly left. My mother doesn't know anyone, but somehow manages to remember her family most of the time (even if she doesn't always recognize us). MY MOTHER IS DEAD - NOW I WISH HER BODY WOULD GO QUIETLY so that we can grieve and still live while we still can. Thanks for listening. I miss my mom.

I have no idea why I am so filled with so much anger! I am angry at my husband, my children, everyone just makes me angry, angry angry!

I'm so frustrated taking care of other people and not having time to live my own life. This has been going on for years. As soon as one person dies, another one gets sick. I'm retired now and could be joining my friends on trips or even just visiting, but I'm stuck with a crabby old man who has taken over my life. He's in bad shape and I do feel sorry for him and want to help him, but the truth is, I'm losing myself. Since he moved in with me, I have no privacy or space to call my own. I have no time to spend with my boyfriend. I'm tired of sitting in doctors' offices and hospital waiting rooms. I'm scared that my own health won't hold out long enough for me to have some freedom and enjoy life. I know in my heart that I'm much better off than a lot of the Alzheimer caretakers, but I'm ashamed to say it doesn't make me feel much better. I want my life back!

I'm very angry with my spouse. He will not help me go through his infidelities he has had over the years, and will not secure our marriage. Now I have ruined my family life for letting my anger our too many times, and now he looks at me as a bad parent and continues to tell me that I'm ruining my children's lives. There is no discussion about how he has ruined my life. There is not one day that goes by that I don't think about what he did to me and all the lies he told me. I cannot get him to realize that he is wrong and not giving me a chance when I gave him more than all the chances he deserves. I hate the life he created for me and that life that he has left me with.

I HAVE READ THE WALL, AND WHAT I HAVE TO SAY IS SO DIFFERENT FROM WHAT OTHER SAY, IT ONLY INCREASES MY FEELINGS OF GUILT. I AM SURE MY MOTHER HAS DEMENTIA, AND DEALINING WITH HER IS TOUCH BECAUSE I DON'T LIKE OR, OR LOVE HER. IF MY MOTHER HAD BEEN AN ACQUAINTANCE, I WOULD HAVE STOPPED HAVING ANYTHING TO DO WITH HER 40- YEAR AGO. SHE WAS ALWAYS A DOMINEERING, CRUEL TONGUED, ANGRY PERSON. WHEN I WAS A CHILD I ADORED HER, BUT AS I GREW OLDER HER VERBAL ABUSE CAUSED ME TO LOSE ALL FEELING FOR HER. I ADORED MY DAD WHO DIED 22 YEARS AGO. I HAVE BEEN STUCK WITH HER EVER SINCE. MY CHILDREN LIVE IN COLORADO AND MY SISTER IN MICHIGAN. SO HERE I AM. FOR THE PAST SEVERAL YEARS SHE HAD BEEN SURE THAT SOMEONE IS BREAKING INTO HER APARTMENT AND STEALING FROM HER. SHE HAS HAD HER LOCK CHANGED 6 TIMES. THE PERSON SHE IS ACCUSING NOW IS A LADY WHO IS SO VERY GOOD TO HER, AND YET SHE IS OBSESSED WITH THIS WOMAN, NOT ONLY ABOUT THE STEALING BUT ABOUT WHAT SHE EATS, HOW SHE D!
RIVES, WHAT SHE SAYS, ETC., ETC., ETC. I GET SO ANGRY AT HER. LAST MONDAY WE HAD IT OUT ABOUT THIS STEALING THING, I TOLD HER IT HAD BEEN GOING ON (IN HER MIND) FOR OVER 7 YEARS, AND SHE DENIED ALL OF THE INSTANCES I BROUGHT UP. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I DON'T LIKE HER, YET I REALLY DON'T WANT TO HURT HER. I DO HAVE GUILT, A LOT OF IT, YET MY PATIENCE WITH HER IS SO LOW -- I JUST WISH SHE WOULD DIE AND GET IT OVER WITH. MY IMAGE OF HELL IS TO BE STUCK IN A ROOM ALONE WITH HER FOR ALL ETERNITY. PLEASE, ALL OF YOU, WHO LOVE YOUR PARENTS, FORGIVE ME -- YOU WOULD HAVE TO KNOW MY MOTHER TO UNDERSTAND.

Why must one of the first questions a nursing home administrator ask be "Let's talk about your parents finances"!@!!!!@!@#!@$#!##

Well, it's come to this. If I don't get this out I'm going to burst. I moved to Florida from New Orleans to help my mother care for my stepdad who has been recently diagnosed with Alzheimer's. the situation isn't too bad with him; just forgetfullness and talking to himself and a total terror behind the wheel of a car. He is a good man, not a mean bone in his body, and no aggressive tendancies (yet!). The big reason was to help my mother, who is a bit high-strung, keep the ship afloat. My stepdad's personality most resembles Mr. Magoo at this point. Anyway, it wasn't so bad here at first, plenty of sun and fishing and some serious quality time with the both of them. In a funny way I felt lucky. I was going to make a difference in their waning years...maybe pay back all they've done for me.
THEN my mother suffers a cerebral aneurism. She has to undergo emergency brain surgery and comes out of it completely scrambled. For three weeks she doesn't talk, doesn't know who I am, and seems either angry or afraid every time I see her. After thirty days in the hospital, she's still out of it, and now we have to move her to a nursing home for God knows how long. In the mean time I'm still taking care of my stepdad, only now I'm cooking and cleaning and doing laundry in addition to spending every waking hour possible at the hospital trying to reach a woman who turns away in terror every time she sees me. I'm also trying to make sense of their financial dealings, medicare, pay bills, cook for her as well(she won't eat hospital food). I haven't worked in two months, my bills are behind and I haven't had a decent night's sleep in over a month.
THEN my aunt gets in the equation. She's smells a chance to maybe get some money out of the whole thing, comes in the house and takes all my mom's personal papers and refuses to let us see them. She doesn't even tell us she's taking them, we just find an empty box while searching for a living will. I can't believe what people will do when they smell a buck. My parent's are fairly wealthy(I'm not), but you'd never know it...very low-key, down to earth people. My aunt's husband in a real scammer. He's even being sued by his own son. I smell a rat.
I just don't know if I have the strength to engage in a "pissing" match with these people. I just want to take my parents somewhere where they can live in peace. right now I'm about to burst. Don't they see? Life isn't about money. Life is a ticking clock. I don't care if they both end up in diapers. I just wish these vultures would leave us alone. I don't mind fixing her meals. I don't mind taking him fishing. But I may not be strong enough to be the man with the white hat and save them from their own kin. This whole thing is fucked. I really don't know what to do.

I get so tired of having to hold it all in when people abuse me in any way, trying everything in the world to protect their feelings while mine get stomped upon. I'm tired of a justice system that accepts murder and abuse as "just another day in court", and then puts someone in prison for a year while they deserve to hang upside from their protruding parts (specifically child molesters and abusers). I can't stand those people at school or work who disagree with every word that comes out of your mouth, and the people (sheep) who surround them agree with every stupid thing they say so they won't get criticized themselves. Okay, I feel better now. Thank you for your wall

D. scot's a pest & more

a philosopher is someone who knows what do to UNTIL it happens to them! be careful when u assume what the other chronically ill friends of yours actually go thru before you open you big fat mouth!

I am very frustrated with how the elderly pt. are treated esp. those w/ Alz.Ds.,maybe one day, these cruel people will feel how it is to be treated so in humanly

I am a nurse in NY, taking care of Alzheimers pts., and I am so pissed off with my insensitive co-workers.I want to do a good jod, I really care but some people think they are

why

nana je t'aime

Okay then. I just stumbled onto this page while browsing. Like most of the others here, I have been an active caregiver. I'm a single woman, early 40's; left my career and friends behind, two thousand miles and five years ago to be my mother's caregiver in her own home. We had just gotten her diagnosis of Alzheimer's disease earlier that year when suddenly my father became ill with a terminal cancer finished him off in four months. Looking at the comments of other people, I've felt some piece of what all them describe at one time or another--frustration, rage, depression, and yes, even the occasional (bittersweet) joy that comes from providing to care to someone you love. When I read someone's Hearts-and-Flowers "Inspirational" message or Web-page, I can remember the first years of care, which were a lot like that for us, too. And I also can relate to the extreme anger that others express, when things are truly becoming, or have become, overwhelming. Alzheim!
er's is all that. Earlier this year, the situation became mutually unsafe--both my mother and I seemed to be at risk. So, reluctantly, I searched for and eventually placed her in the "best" area nursing home I could find (realizing, of course, that, with AD, even the best care is not particularly terrific.) It's been six months now and surprise! My life is still as centered on Alzheimer's as it ever was. In theory, I'm "free" now to try to get back to having some kind of life, but in practice, I find I can't do it. The career I had is toast; the friends of over fifteen years gradually fell by the wayside, unable to relate to their former friend's new "lifestyle" and continual obsession with issues that are, let's admit it, a real bummer. I'm in a new city, where I don't know anyone, unemployed, unconnected. I'm still tied to my mother's condition, still the caregiver, the advocate for her needs, the observer of her deterioration. We all might hope our loved one passes away peacefully be!
fore they get into the more painful stages of dementia, but it often doesn't happen that way. To tell the truth, I've always harbored the thought that any sacrifice was worth it, if I could help to prevent my mother ever falling into those stages. But, sometimes it happens anyway. You can make tremendous efforts, huge sacrifices, and there's no guarantee of a good outcome. I think people who've lauded my efforts over these past five years are now astounded to see the difficulty I'm having at moving on. And no wonder--if I miraculously sprang back to life now, it would provide everyone with the kind of fable they like best. Sacrifice Without Genuine Suffering! Children Who Give Up Everything To Do The Right Thing, And Don't Really Lose By It! What a great story that would be--reassuring to both to the people who have to risk sacrifices and the people who might need them. But it's rarely that neat or that easy. I feel bitter over my losses (financial security, an identity, my own possibility of ever having children, etc.) and simultaneously guilty at the thought that my life can go on, while my mother is trapped in the living hell of her demented mind. I'm also terrified by the prospect that this may also be the future that awaits me.
I've read the books, been to the support groups, now I've written on the wall--none of it helps. How do you learn to accept the unacceptable? At the moment, I'm nursing a bite on my shoulder where my mom sunk her teeth into me at the home a few days ago, and I can't help but think, why didn't our car just slide off a slick road a couple of years ago and end it for us both before we ever had to reach this point? I'd gladly give up all the Life Lessons I've acquired in the last five years if my mother could be healthy again. But hey! I'll cheer up--she's only 70! Now doubt there's lots more fun in store!

Women are evil.

I hate this disease, it is a cruel death. It is not fair. I will never have my mom back the way it was in the past.

It hurts real bad.

ahhhhhhhhhhhh help me get rid of this hatred to myself

Well, I`m back after a year and boy has it been ever so hard, I am still moms caregiver and sometimes I get so frustrated! She has no control over her bowel and urine habits, every piece of furniture I`ve got has to be covered in plastic! Scrub and clean and it still stays a mess. No help here at home hardly, I feel sometimes I want to run away. Tried so to keep mom but don`t know what to do anymore. Every place has waiting lists a tear long, if I put her in nursing home! I am 51 yrs. old and have children and grandchildren that I want to spend time with, I feel so cheated! Am sure there is a better way than this to deal with this situation! Is there any hope out there at all?

It sucks when you have expectations to have a nice evening out with your friends, or maybe just one specific friend and everyone ditches out on you leaving you at home alone on a Saturday night, and you have to wait a whole 'nother week before you get the chance to have fun again. You leave messages, you sit on your ass at home waiting for someone to call you, but the phone never rings, so you're just like, Thanks guys. i clear my schedule for tonight for you guys,and you all don't even have the decency to call, or let me know what you're doing or anything. It's frickin' stupid. What makes me madder is how stupid and petty my whining sounds. I sound like a baby and I always think I have these huge, end of the world problems, when they're nothing compared to what others go through. I hate not getting my way, but I can't expect people to conform to what I want or my plans, if I don't tell them. What do I expect? You know, I'd really think I was some psycho if I were s! omeone else. It's just stupid. STUPID STUPID SO STUPID!!!!!!

This is stupid, this XXXXXXX anger management program, i need to write a report on anger management, and all of you people aren't giving me any help!!! I'm sick of your stories, what is wrong with you???, why want your mom to die and not your dad? You all make me sick!! XXXX

This stupid wall is screwing with my mind!!! All of these stupid anger management programs, and not one that has info on what i need!!!!

I'm a young man who has had a moderatly hard life. I spent my teenage years as a ward of the state and haven't really had a family since until I met my wife 1 1/2 years ago. I used to have a cruelty and rage in me until I met my wife and controled my self for her. Now that things in my life are starting to get easier I've noticed that I've been getting some of my rage and cruelty back and I don't know why or what to do. I don't want to hurt my wife. I want to know how to get rid of this anger and curelty. Please let it stick to this wall and go no where else.

I am angry that my Father left when I was 7; I am angry that my Mum died of cancer when I was 15. Sometimes I am angry with God (if he/she exists?) for taking her away, but sometimes I am angry with my Mum for giving up and leaving me when I needed her most. I have reached a point now, regretably, where this anger infiltrates my whole life and I am still relatively young (25). I don't know how to deal with the anger despite extensive counselling over the last 10 yrs and I seem to project it onto those closest to me, such as my partner and friends. Sometimes I feel it would be easier to escape, but then I get angry with myself for giving up! Does anyone else feel the same???

I am angry because my mother was an alcoholic when I was young, she was an angry dry drunk when I was in my 20s and 30s and now she has Altz. and angry. I am taking care of a woman from whom I had to protect my childern and now my grandchildren. Her outbursts has gotten her kicked out of all the reputable homes in the area the next step is durgs and a home with lock down.

I really hate anger management.... I personally love to be angry. If I could have it my way I would have anger development classes!!! I love anger it soothes me and I will always be an angry person...thank you not so very much!

I am so numb. I have stopped feeling and tightened-up to keep myself together for all I have had to do and all I have yet to do.I lost my "Dady" last year and am mad as hell that he was the one to die and not my mother.

Did you loosen the lid on the olive oil in the bottom cabinet so the when the baby opened the door and pulled it out it would spill all over the floor, ?, Daddy? Well, I punched your bag of jelly donuts for that, I guess I didn't punch them hard enough, cause you didn't notice. Also, when I want to take my toddler out of the car, when you bring her home asleep, then I'm going to do that. And Id'e appreciate it if you didn't through a howla ballu fit over my decisions and choices, like you did today. It really isn't befitting any of us, and you really piss me off sometimes when you know neither of us should be acting this way.

Shit

I am angry about being dumped by the woman of my heart....knowing and loving her so intimately and now she just jumps into another relationship without knowing how she has hurt me...people tell me you didn't need hert in your life....there is someone else out there just for you...I am very angry at people who think they know how I am feeling and give me this kind of s. advice. thety really don't know.....they aren't being helpful...if they want to be helpful they would just listen.

What really sucks is when you have been in an auto accident caused by an inmature brat and damages you for life and almost takes you away from your unborn child. Only to find out you have brain damage and a lot of hostilities at the world, including your wife and only child that's two. And what's worse you dont even know yourself anymore. Maybe it'll get better tomorrow, I doubt it though.

My Wife and I were involved in a two car accident on December 28, 1995. The other driver was being very irresponsible is what caused the accident. My wife was two months pregnant at the time, to add on top of everything else. I recieved a bad cut/tear to my head, and crushed my right wrist. My work abilities diminished, after returning to work. I just couldn't keep up with life anymore. Then I was refered to a specialist dealing with brain injuries. Through many out of town trips I found out that I had a moderate brain injury, I was diagnosed with a mood disorder associated with closed head injury, as well as other brain aliments from the damage. Now, thank God, i have a beautiful two year old daughter, but i feel i am treating her and my wife very unfairly. No one knows what a person who is and was a self control freak goes through when they cant control their emotions. I guess all I know is shit happens!!! Please dont think down on everyone with emotion! al problems because sometimes they cant control it.

EVERYONE SAY..SEEK HELP,BUT WHERE..... HAVE MORE INFO ON THIS ALSO LAST DAYS.WHAT TO DO....NOT 911.....WHO DO YOU GET TO PRONOUNSE THE DEATH..MAKE IT EASY TO UNDERSTAND,EASIER TO CHAT WITH OTHERS WHO HAVE SAME PROBLEMS...THANKS

I moved back home to the East Coast to live w/ my mom after my father died and before my first child was born. But instead of having a mother to help me with the children, I have slowly realized that sha has become a third child. She is mostly OK on her own, living in a separate apartment in the house but she is always coming upstairs when I don't want to see her. She can't help with the children because she has lost most of her initiative and can't think of what to do except parrot what I say or stand statue-like and stare at us, both of which drive me crazy. I'm constantly pushing her away now and hiding parts of my life because it is easier for me if she doesn't know too many details because she tends to fret about them, even if they don't have any thing to do with her. I've been trying to get her to go to the senior center but she's too damn snobby. Worst of all, I hate this person I am with her. In my imagination I am patient and kind but that is not the reality very often. And my cold behavior makes her sad BUT I AM SICK OF HAVING THIS BE MY RESPONSIBILITY!!!

So, Ive had this design assignment for a week. Im supposed to take emotion of line, certain emotions, ANGER, JOY, etc. I know nothing. IM lost. I always feel lost. Which sucks. I like knowing what to do. I like knowing where I am going. People keep cutting me off and leaving me alone. Im tired and I want to go into a big hole and draw pictures all day, watch tv, I dunno. I fight so hard to not be alone, and I feel safe, then someone decides its a burden, or its not what they want too, and I am sitting here confused again.OH WELL.

move out of my house

I'm sorry world.......sorry....

Why do such good people have to be put through the hell of diseases like this? I am a 39 year old caregiver of my grandmother. She has parkinson's disease with either altz. or dementia. She was too good to the world to have to suffer this way. Life stinks sometimes.

If human beings could only be more like the animals, I might have a small reason to care about them!

I am angry at myself for not being able to control my anger. I have been working on the problem for so long and just when I think I am making progress, I seem to "lose it." Maybe I am sabbatoging myself--maybe I just can't get well. All I know is that not being able to control my anger is like being in hell and not being able to get out. I am angry at me; will this anger ever end? Sometimes I think that there is just something wrong with my brain--I wish I were of a different emotional makeup--I look at all of those calm, cool, collected people out there and wonder how in the world do they do it. Maybe tomorrow. It hasn't been today.

For 8 loong years I've been the prime care-giver for my mother and mother-in-law, both of them living with me, my husband, and our 2 growing children. My mother's illness was physical while my mother-in-law's was the dementia that comes with aging. I lost my mother several years ago. I don't know where to turn when my mother-in-law gets so very nasty to our children and me. Although she never shows her manipulative, guilt-wheeling temper in front of my husband (her only child); she dishes it out freely when he is not there. At 88 is this really senility or the manipulations of a "sick" old woman? She hides things and then tells my husband that either the children have stolen them or I've hid them on her. She has me in tears with frustration and anger at her mean words and actions. Through it all, my husband has taken the stance that with any outburst from her, I must have provoked her. He still sees the mother of his youth and cannot vision who she is now. I leave my work each day to come home and be confronted by her latest real or imagined fear. I feel so tired and drained. We hear so much about "elder-abuse" , is there any advise or help out there for abused caregivers????

I am angry that I didn't know she was drifting to that other world. I would have liked her to know how much she meant to me and my children. As a mother I know she knew but I would like to have been able to verbalize it to her! Thanks

I hate this disease. Not only has it destroyed my father but it is slowly destroying me. I handled it well for so long Dad but I can't bear it anymore. It's so hard to hide how I feel when I see you. To make matters worse people don't understand. This morning a so called colleague said "oh having a grouchy day are we" I HATE PEOOPLE LIKE THIS. I know it's my problem and my cross to bear but please can't you be a little sensitive to the way I am feeling today. I hate to see you the way you are and pray that you will go peacefully. THIS IS THE WORST BLOODY DISEASE IMAGINABLE.

Why can't I ever have some time for myself?

most men lead lives of quiet desperation.I am no exception

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!! *whew* I feel better now...

I'm angry that my mother is an alcholic and she is slowly killing my dad. She won't stop drinking, she is incontinent most of the time and is very mean to him. He is an angel and she is the devil and if she kills him I'm afraid that I might kill her!!

i am angry

My dad is only 52 years old. He was a professional boxer all of life. about 5 years ago my family started telling me that he wasn't quite right, but I did not see that much to be able to see it. Now, an otherwise perfectly healthy man struggles to recognize his own daughter on the phone. What makes me so angry is that the boxing world knows this is happening and nothing is being done about it. I mean its hard enough for people to see their loved ones slowly lose their memory due to age or what have you, but this is something that does not have to happen. Boxing was my dads life, but now the affects of boxing has stole his life. There is know quality of life, for the most part anymore. It makes me so sad to know that there is nothing I can do to bring his mind back, except pray, and ask others to pray for Jerry, the most sweetest man anyone could ever know. I hope that someday something will be done to prevent this from happening to so many other men out there. !

My mother has been in a nursing facility for 3 months now. She loved it and was doing very well there, walking talking laughing and enjoying all the company. March 8 a nurse called me at 2:45 in the morning to let me know they were sending mom to the hospital she was having a hard time breathing. The hospital said she had congestive heart failure and needed to get the fluid from her heart. They put her on mega doses of Lasix, 200mg a day, but were not replacing any of the fluid either intravienously or by mouth. She lay like that for 5 days, I demanded a cardiologist see her, they didn't think it was necessary to call one in. I Demanded one !! When the cardiologist did see her he was apalled at her condition, she was severly dehydrated and was barely consious. No one saw fit to feed her either in all this time. She can no longer communicate or walk or even sit up by herself, she has to be spoon fed. She is now back at the nursing home and the nurses are sickened by her condition, they knew what she was like before she went to the hospital. I am so very angry at this hospital and the so called doctors there, it seems like they think just because mom is old that this type of 'CARE' is okay. My mother was at stage 3 before she went into the hospital and is now in the last stage of the disease. I have no way of knowing what caused her demise, but I can say whatever they did to her was traumatic for her, she screams in pain when you touch her now, like she is scared to death by something. I will love and be with her as much as I can, she no longer opens her eyes to even see who is there with her. I am just so sick about it all. Thanks for allowing me to vent. Kathi

Alzheimer's or dimentia has taken over my father. It has taken him away from me. We saw it slowly happening, but then last month it just rapidly and totally took over. He became agitated, angry because he didn't have his car keys. I had gone to live with him to help my brother care of him and took my computer to work there, and I guess the changes upset him and put him over the edge. We had to call an ambulance and admit him to the mental ward at the hospital because he was roaming off. He was there three weeks and then they transferred him to the VA Home. Now they have him on one of the Alzheimer's drugs and he has moments when he knows where he is and lashes out and wants to go home. It is tearing me apart. I am back at my home which is three hours away and I cannot visit him like my brothers and sister can. I feel so guilty that I cannot take care of him, that I had to put him in a home. I feel so very sad that he has moments when he wonders where he is and why he is there. I cry all the time. I love my dad so much. I pray to God to please take him to heaven to be in peace. Is this wrong? I hope not. I almost don't want to live myself anymore. I am so sad. Please pray for me. Pray for God to give us all strength to deal with this dread disease. Pray for God to give peace to those who suffer from it. Pray for all of us.

She gets so angry with me. I don't seem to be able to do anything right. I know she is frustrated and can't remember. She seems to push, push, push to fight anything and everybody. I get so I can't take it and I mirror her own anger and then we both feel bad. I know this is a combination of her disease and her own personality traits. I also know that it is only at mid-stage and that things will get worse. Ifeel so depressed, and I am so tired. All the family was here for Easter and my Birthday and ther was to much going on. I also know that I need a break. It is always worse on the weekends when we have more time together. I feel so helpless and I don't want to abandone her. She gave me life and I want to give something back. It has only been 5 months since she came to live with me. I am to protective but I have to be. Sometimes I feel that GOD has abandoned us both and I know he really has't but I feel so weak and tired.

Today we put Mom in a home my heart is breaking and at the same time relief. She didn't even remember who we were the second time we came. In and out all day checking on her. i went back for one last look tonight around 9:45 after visiting hours and her bed was empty she had moved herself across the hall with a wonderful lady who was sitting in a chair by her bed ( Mother hen) watching over her. I was so relieved that someone else could love her too! Two little ole ladys together (friends) I know this is the best for everyone envolved. I guess my heart will break for along time knowing that I couldn't handle her anymore and a little old lady could. We followed our heart and let Love be our guide and know this is the right decission. Thanks to the People on the wall for writing you helped us so much my love goes out to each of you and may God bless you and your Familys. I think my family is going to grow after all Mom has a new friend...

sometimes I just hate everyone. It seems all others are better off.And sometimes I wish I had a better husband.

sorry i pressed the wrong button.. As I was saying, its not my Grandma it my mom left suffering. Now it has trickled down to me and I have to watch my best friend who is my mom be devastated by this disease. She takes prozac to get by. Barely see her boyfriend for driving 2 and 1/2 hours every week to spend anywhere from 3 to 5 hours to be with Grandma. I try to keep her grandchildren around her so she can have something positive. Hell I try to be positive for her. We had a fight last week because I guessed I just couldnt make her understand that while she cries about her Mom and her condition, I cry about my Mom and how she is left with this. I feel helpless to make the situation better. To all caregivers out there my heart goes out to you. It is you people that are left with all the pain because you have your right minds to see what is going on. And it is your spouse, and children and even grandchildren that suffer too because we watch what it is doing to you and we are helpless to ease your pain. To my Mama, I Love You. You are very brave and strong. I know sometimes you dont think that you are but I see it. Just know that I love you and that me and Lance and Xavier and Keith are here whenever you need us.

This is dedicated to my mother Janet Etchison. She is a caregiver to my grandmother that has this terrible disease. My mother has two beautiful homes. One around the lakes in Indian and another in Florida. None of which she can enjoy. It is her that takes care of my grandma. I have offered to take care of her but Grandma wont have it. The thing is is that I dont feel sorry for my Grandma. To me she isnt suffering. Its my mom that is. To my Granny everything is funny and she is like a kid eating ice cream all the time because she wont eat. WHen its my mom that worries about her nutrion needs and it my mom being robbed of her golden years. At this rate she may end up in a nursing home by the time my Grandma dies. My Granny is 78 and she could very well live another 20 years. Her mother lived to be 94 and her sister is still living at 84. The thing that sickens me is that it is all down hill from now. WIth this terrible disease there is NO BETTER DAY IN TWO YEARS. So how am I suppose to be positive with my mom about this being a possible situation for her for another 16 years???????? She blames her great granddaughter for taking things and she is verbally abusive. God forgive me or this but DAMN MY GRANDMA

My father is a retired school teacher that was diagnosed with alzheimers in 1998 after six long years of begging doctors and other professionals to find out what was wrong that a man of his education and back ground was doing what he was doing in such a rapid change of lifestyle and the company he was keeping. He brought his four children up not to be prejudice against race, color or religion but he was in a way prejudice because he wanted his children to be with educated peopleand at 69 years of age he disowned his whole family to be with drug dealers and common thieives that took everything from him now he is left with only his monthly income. I am the eldest of the four children and can not work at this time because I have medical problems too, so i am the soul care giver my mother helps as much as she can but the rest of the family has very little to do with their father. all they worrry about is his money which his sister controls because he had to borrow money from her. She helps very little also every time he is with her he gets very aggravaited and upset . He has ran away every day for the past two weeks on me and has become violent at times. My neice is thirteen and he will at times listens to her. She is the one that helps me the most. It has gotten so I barely can take a shower and he runs away . I'm lost at what to do sometimes when he goes I just feel like I should let him go because I dont Know what to do anymore. He goes to a day care twice a week and he even ran away from there. He gets bored so easily and I can't be on the go all the time . I take my neice to most of her appointment and most every where I go it would'nt hurt her mother to take her father for a couple hours after work but she always has an excuse. I'm tired and is lonely the word I want ? No I think Its scared, I really dont know anymore I have two really good friends I can talk to about it but its sad when your own family can,t help.

So, how does one begin? I have only just started to calm down from another verbal assault from my 76 year old father. Dad has brain damage from an old war injury (1951) and after my Mom passed away 6 years ago, my sister and I were left to deal with his ongoing anger attacks tempered with days of kindness and calmness. Just when we get to almost hate him, he becomes so gentle and kind that we almost forget it all. In the past several years, he has been experiencing signs of dementia, and although he has not been diagnosed with AD, the symptoms are there. He talks about the past constantly, remembers things are they weren't and you do not dare to challenge him on anything. He is hard headed, mean spirited and cunning. Then he is so sweet and so helpless acting that we let our guard down. This morning I was called a son-of-a------- and a G-- Damned Liar, amongst other things. He has been in 4 different Assisted Living Facilities in the past 5 years, and after so long in one of them, he insists that he was forced to move there. He has moved from Texas to Florida (at his own request - that's where they lived when Mom died) and then back to Texas (where his family lives - his remaining two sisters and nephews and nieces) and now to Michigan, where my sister and I live. He insisted on this move, to be near us and we were so grateful that we did not have to force the issue to get him up here, and now he "doesn't remember" saying he wanted to come here. We "forced" him to come and he wants to go back. Problem is that no one there has time for him. My sister and I both work full time jobs and cannot spend 24/7 with him and he is trying to punish us for that. He keeps liquor in his locked case (he is not supposed to have it and cannot be considered an alcoholic by any means, but because of his short-circuit brain, reacts violently to it. A family member in Texas, who insisted that we were abusing Dad's rights by not allowing him to have it, bought it for him and he keeps it locked up so we cannot pour it out) and I suspect that he is hitting that bottle and getting depressed. What can I do. I am battling an illness of almost a year that has yet to be diagnosed, although they suspect Lymphoma, and I am to remain unstressed. I am finding myself hard pressed to do this. I am only 50 but feel like an old lady today. Please pray for this situation. Write me if you wish at womanecho@aol.com.

I never ,never ,never realized it would be so hard.. My Mom fell and broke a hip in April..she has sense been diagnosed with early stage AD. She was forgetful somewhat before..but able to stay by herself in the daytime..until her sister came up at night to stay together..they are both widows and live beside of each other.. I was told Anesthisia inhaces the AD or possible even the broken bone.. All i know is mom is not mom anymore..It is so hard.. I have moved in with her to care for her..I am a only child. My husband, bless him, has been so good about all this. He stays at home by himself at night while I'm here..and yes I'm angry..I know what the next several years are going to hold and I don't want to be tied down like this..and then I feel sooooo guilty for even thinking like this. It was at hte point where my hubby and I could finally have sometime to enjoy to ourselves..our youngest is old enough to stay by herself..or with one of the older siblings if we wanted to go anywhere...but now..there is no way..I have had to leave my work..And everything is so time consuming..sometimes I just go off into my bedroom here and cry..but then mom follows me everywhere ..wanting to know what I'm doig ..so even thats hard to do..and she gets so emotional if I say anything that she takes wrong or sounds alittle snappy..then she cries and followes me around telling me she's sorry and I don't have to stay and she won't say anything else..its is really nerve wracking. My mom was a fiercely independant woman before..and its hard seeing her like this..but Te worst part is my guilt..of wishing I didn't have to stay here..wisihing I could go when I wanted too..My brother died three years ago and his family is no help..I'm even angry that he died leaving me alone to handle all this.... thanks for listening...

It has come the time when I am no longer able to look after my Mum properly.She is 75 and has dementia. This cruel illness has tried to destroy this whole family. I am 35 and my children are 11 and 8. I have had to make the most difficult choice of my life without the support of my two older brothers,they were only interested in seeing if Mum was going to leave them some money they have never helped , (sorry guys, I made her spend most of it on things for herself- so you wont get anything and no I wont come "cap in hand" for a contribution for her funeral expenses either !!). Neither of them have seen Mum for years, so it was all left to me to cope with -the baby in the family -to care for Mum. It's been "sorry,too busy to visit", "you know how it is, with my business etc","workload too much"---Hey what about my work load!!! The difference is I looked after Mum because I love her. Mum has got so much worse now, she needs 24 hour care so I've made the choice to find a care home that specialises in EMI so that I know she will be properly cared for and safe. I still feel as though I should have done more.I love my Mum so much and I can't cope with losing her but I want more quality time with her. I don't want to feel angry and frustrated anymore because she's taking all my strength. I want her to know how much we love her before she forgets completly. My daughter adores her Nan and cries so much to see her like this.My son tries to be brave but he can't cope being in the same room with her because he gets so upset.I have become ill due to the stress.My husband has to work so much , since I gave up my job to look after Mum. Please forgive us , we have tried so hard and everyone tells me, I've done so well, to cope for this long,so why the hell does it HURT so damn much. I HATE THIS ILLNESS.I WANT MY MUM BACK but I know I'm never going to get my wish !

I'm so very tired. When I have the energy, I'm angry. Usually I misdirect my anger to my husband or my siblings. I want someone to blame for what my mother is experiencing, what I'm experiencing. After several months of "rotating" care of Mom with my siblings, we found a lady to stay with her in her home, where she begged to be. That lasted less than a week. Mom expected the woman to provide undivided attention (no sleeping, no bathing, no relaxing) and was horrid to her. She is horrid to me but I promised at the early onset that I would forgive her in advance for whatever she says/does. Not an easy promise sometimes. THIS IS NOT MY MOTHER. I miss my mom. Dad died four years ago. I believe he protected her and us from the reality of Mom's AD. I want my mother back. I want my life back. I don't want to feel guilty, resentful, stressed, frustrated or worried for just a few waking moments. I've got to figure out a way to get some joy back into my life--for my sanity's sake, my children's sake and for the sake of my marriage. How do I let go for a while? I feel guilty for wanting to let go, like it's a betrayal somehow.Please pray for me to have strength/faith/patience/charity; pray for my mother, my family. Right now, hope is too much to ask for.

I love my dad very much but this has been so devestating! I feel so alone in taking care of him. The adult day care has been a godsend but my boss is not so understanding, she won't let me be 5 or ten min late to work, I have to get yet another person involved in this web of care. Im still a young woman yet at times I feel older than my dad. All of my friends are getting married, going out , and I am at home because I can't afford more help. His brothers and sisters do nothing to help me and they know that I am an only child and alone.....

I have spent six months learning about ALzheimer's because my dad has it. He is 72. My brother who is ill himself moved in with my dad and mom just to care for them. Through my mother's pettiness and cold heart my brother is now out there somewhere homeless and heartbroken. He too will die before long. I see them, my dad so confused, my mom so tiny and old and emotionally handicapped and I hurt for them. But I also hurt for me. I have lost my brother and my dad. I gues