What better place for my first post as all I seem to be able to do is throw temper tantrums and cry.

I am so angry that I have to do this, angry that my mother is gone and this woman who can't seem to allow me to take a crap by myself has invaded my life.

I was trying to get organized, to get ready for this, because I saw it coming. But I needed to get through a divorce and get the ex to move out of the house and figure out how to keep my house so I would have some place to bring her, and just maybe get a few days at the beach before I went to Florida. But no... it wasn't to be... I thought I had bought enough time when her car broke down and I actually paid a guy to leave it broken... I thought I had a few more weeks to get my act together and prepare... but some well-meaning neighbor trundled her off to the used car lot and the greedy idiots saw her coming from a mile away...sold a woman who couldn't form a coherent sentence a used car at an appropriately inflated price...then all bets were off. A trip to the grocery store had her almost a hundred miles from home and she couldn't figure it out. I live 1500 miles away and I don't know where the gas station is on a Florida highways she couldn't name... try an exit, I guess.

So, I cancelled the vacation and used the time and money to drive to florida and bring her back. Of course the ex hadn't left yet, so she didn't comprehend the divorce thing... so not only did my marriage end after nearly a year of him finding excuses to linger, but now I have to answer questions about where her went (off to Wyoming to live with his new girlfriend) EVERY @#$% DAY, at least 10 times a day.

I clean the kitchen and the bathroom every night before I go to bed, and before I can use either room in the morning, I have to do it all over again because there is food and stuff all over the counters (and no, I'm no germophobe... I just get grossed out by other people's poop and spit.)

She locked herself out on the back porch and then decided that the best thing to do wasn't to reach in the OPEN WINDOW next to the door, but rather to get a hacksaw and saw through the door - which only left a hole and didn't solve her problem. I've since showed her how to reach in the window, as well as where the spare key is, but I'm sure she will forget both options while remembering exactly where the hacksaw is. And, for the record, there is already a note on the door that says "don't lock yourself out."

I can't tell how much of her behavior is the disease and how much is her being the stubborn (expletive deleted) she has been all her life. She wants to go "home" and wants her car and after an episode like locking herself out, she looks at me and asks if she can go home now... like she is trying to find the one thing that will piss me off enough to send her back.

The next person to tell me God only gives you what you can handle is going to be missing teeth. If one more person invites me over and suggests that I bring my mother along because they think they are being helpful, I'm going to start striking them from the "friendly" list. Invite me over and send one of your other friends to my house for a couple of hours - that would be helpful. Inviting mom to come along so that I have to watch her eat like an animal in public and worry about what inappropriate personal information she is going to bring up in casual conversation doesn't do me any good.

All I wanted was my week at the beach... then I would have been ready... now the water is too cold and the popcorn stand is closed. That's how my whole life feels... closed for the season, closed indefinitely...

It's so hard on caregivers and loved ones when our elders lose their judgment and inhibitions and behave in ways that are so contrary to how they were before... I tried to the best of my ability to put myself in my Mom's shoes and to protect her from indignity and embarrassment, even when she had lost the ability to feel or express those feelings. It is truly wise to accept the things we cannot change, but it sure ain't easy sometimes! {{{{BIG HUGS}}} to all who are walking this difficult path! You are all my heroes!

Yeah, I've heard stories about prim and proper little old ladies in the nursing home sneaking into men's rooms and crawling in the bed with them - acting inappropriately in ways they would never have dreamed of doing before. You never know what's in store!
And your story about the hacksaw is a hoot, my best friend's mom broke two bones at different times last summer, and the neighbor called my friend at work and told her her mom was in the back yard with the electric chain saw ready to cut down some bushes - luckily the chain popped off and she couldn't get it to work.
I think a lot of my difficulty in dealing with these elderly people is that none of my grandparents were like this. They were able to live alone until they either died in their bed or spent just a few days in a hospital before dying. No nursing homes, no sitters....I've told my Dad he doesn't know how lucky he and Mom were. It makes it harder to care for him now that he needs so much help. Harder for him, also, I'm sure.
I made a decision today to be more grateful and focus more on my blessings - I know I'll have bad days but I'm going to try harder. It can ALWAYS be worse!

My step-grandmother was always so very prim and proper, the perfect hostess, dressed up daily, moved in all the right social circles, a very nice trophy wife for my grandfather.

As her Alzheimer's progressed she argued and fought and cussed and insulted and was just 180 degrees totally out of phase. Said and did things I never would have thought her capable of. I often wonder if 80 years of keeping that all inside just broke and she was sharing all the things she wished she had said out loud all her life. She's 97 now, been in hospice care for two years... apparently waiting for something important to happen before she will let go.

Oh, I'm loving this thread. I have discovered the anger wall and boy is it great! I, too have had people howling with laughter over some of the things I'm going through with my Dad. Helps me to laugh, too. My best friend has even told MY stories when I'm not around so, spread the joy!
It's interesting to read of the inability to determine how much of the personality is hard-wired from birth and how much is deterioration from age. I think mean people just get meaner and nice people CAN get meaner but the ones we've dealt with in our family just got even sweeter. And, as you probably have noticed, the mean ones live longer. Hmm.

Watchout, MERRWID, you could end up with a lot of company if you admit to something like that.

oops

that should read eat and SLEEP.......

Acres of land to roam around in. no neighbors in sight, dress (or not) the way you want, eat, cleep and live the way you want to.

Whose been taking pictures at MY place?

Portugal sounds better than here... Do they have do-gooders there who will worry about our "welfare" and take us away to be "properly" cared for? Geeze, I hope not...

Perhaps a nice island in Indonesia somewhere... We could form an Elder Adult Cargo Cult!!

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That sounds like my plan! I bought a little farm in Portugal

EEKKK! I think a couple a ole Portagee broads here will come join ya!

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Originally posted by Bunnys_grl:

LMAO!
MB has a brilliant plan that includes a few fenced in acres to wander about and someone to shop once a week that'll come by an toss all the essentials on over that fence....personally I kinda dig that idea...we can roll around in the dirt no one forcin us to take a shower, hell I like the idea of jumpin in a river to clean up clothes an all lay out in the sun an dry up a bit...yup I really dig that idea

That sounds like my plan! I bought a little farm in Portugal with two acres set inside a stone wall and I'm busy planting up a food forest. There's a train station a quarter of a mile away, a free weekly bus to take me to the supermarket, and a delivery service so you can order your groceries over the internet. I intend to end my days shuffling around the garden stuffing my face with fruit!

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If nothing else, I will make a plan for my own future as I do not have any children of my own. I've given some thought to bribing one of my nieces into abandoning my sister and taking care of me when I'm old, but it doesn't seem like a very strong plan as I don't have much to bribe her with.

LMAO!
MB has a brilliant plan that includes a few fenced in acres to wander about and someone to shop once a week that'll come by an toss all the essentials on over that fence....personally I kinda dig that idea...we can roll around in the dirt no one forcin us to take a shower, hell I like the idea of jumpin in a river to clean up clothes an all lay out in the sun an dry up a bit...yup I really dig that idea

No history of diabetes anywhere that I know of. The family tree contains a fair amount of arthritis and some mild heart disease, but for the most part we are a strong and long-lived scot-irish stock.

My mother's mother died from a particularly aggressive form of breast cancer at the age of 35 so we all stay on top of that. (and quietly celebrated passing that milestone ourselves.) Her sisters and brothers all lived long and well.

My mother's father has five sisters and all but one of them has some form of dementia - though most did not show up until they were much older than my mother is now, and all are still chugging along in their own little worlds well into their 80's and 90's.

If nothing else, I will make a plan for my own future as I do not have any children of my own. I've given some thought to bribing one of my nieces into abandoning my sister and taking care of me when I'm old, but it doesn't seem like a very strong plan as I don't have much to bribe her with.

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I worry daily about how much of this is hereditary... there is a very strong history of the women on her side of the family going off the deep end. I'm becoming the queen of live for today and carpe diem and don't put off 'til tomorrow... she's only 69, and probably started having symptoms in her 50's... that's not so far away from my 45 years and it scares the living poop out of me!

Oooooweee boy did you say a mouthful there cause I think the same way, my hunny kinda freaks me out when I catch him not remembering something and the first thought that comes to mind is my MIL and how much the both of them share the same diseases....
Not for nothin Pumpkin try to not think like that and just get regular check ups.
Question though is there any history of diabetes?

She was never one to waste time wandering around... so I'm guessing that came from my dad... the king of Sunday drives and "hey, I wonder where this road goes?" He would be terror in a jeep!!! Mom could never even stand to wander around a grocery store or the mall, just go in, get what you came for and get back out.

In appearance I am a carbon copy of my mother and my grandfather, in personality and health issues I tend to favor my dad. My sister is just the opposite, looks like Poppa, but her personality is much more like mom's.

I worry daily about how much of this is hereditary... there is a very strong history of the women on her side of the family going off the deep end. I'm becoming the queen of live for today and carpe diem and don't put off 'til tomorrow... she's only 69, and probably started having symptoms in her 50's... that's not so far away from my 45 years and it scares the living poop out of me!

Wait wait wait...........
You climb on your Triumph and head out with no particular destination in mind? Where did that wanderlust come from? Definitely NOT from the woman who starts out for the grocery store and ends up hundreds of miles away on a Florida turnpike, I bet.
(I hit the new caregivers room first. Should have come here, and I'd have found out a lot more about you & Mom!)

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I've found that most places I go, I'm good for a little comic relief - happy to be of service here! (You should hear me at the gym...)

Oh puuuleeease we need more like you around these ole halls to liven up the mood
Your humor is welcome here always!

I've found that most places I go, I'm good for a little comic relief - happy to be of service here! (You should hear me at the gym...)

I have a jeep liberty that I've built to be trail worthy and when I'm not using it to Un-Garden, I take it out and climb rocks and mountains and stuff... my other escape is a truimph motorcycle that takes me away from everything for hours at a time. I just pick a direction at the end of the driveway and go - usually with no particular destination or plan. Sometimes I catch up with friends, other times I just ride a couple hundred miles on my own. Who needs therapy?

AAAAAHHHHH!!!! OMG PUMPKIN!!!!!
Im LMAO Im Hysterical! Dang if there was coffee I wouldnt have a keyboard!
Well done baby!
Glad to hear things are starting to even out a bit for you also, cant wait to hear more

Sure glad you're feeling better today.

Sounds like you're making some progress. And that idea about hooking up the jeep to pull trees up by the roots ROCKS! I know that after a particularly intense spell with his mom, my husband always feels better after a session with the chainsaw. LOL Our lot is smaller (about a half acre), but always something needing chopping down or pruning.