Hi All,

My first time to post on the anger board, so I might be very random because my feelings are so scattered.

After reading some other posts on this board, I realize just how lucky I am. Here is what I am angery/upset about:

My dad is 82 and mom is 71, however my mom is an old 71 because she had a pituitary tumor many years ago and they had to take out her pituitary gland. She just kind of slacked off on life after that. Over the last several (10) years, my father has had quadruple bypass, a stroke, knee replacement, two broken hips and now a broken pelvis. Needless to say...with every break he has lost his ability to ambulate like he used to and he is very unsteady. After he broke his hip the first time, he really should have went to a cane full-time, but he refused so he walked very sporadically and unbalanced. This is what led to the 2nd hip break. They lived 2 1/2 hours away from me until 2 years ago and they moved here because I am their main caretaker. My sis is 4 years older and lives 3 1/2 hours away. She and my parents do not hit it off very well but that is because she is verbal and says what she thinks and I take things a little slower and more gentle, which may not be the way to handle things.

My dad fell while getting his early morning newspaper because he DIDN'T HAVE HIS WALKER! The previous week I had just had a conversation with he and my mom about the fact that I felt it was time for us to get someone to come in a few days a week to help dad shower, do light housekeeping, etc. It didn't go over well with them and my mom assured me that they weren't to that point in their lives yet. She went on to tell me that she thought they were doing just fine. He fell the next week.......and I'm thinking, "Let's see...I get a call from mom nearly every single day about how awful dad is doing and how she can't handle him anymore. How she stays exhausted all of the time and how he cries in the evening....and then I end up going over there every day and neglecting my husband, house, and have even started losing my motivation to even get up in the morning...but you guys are doing okay"?

However, then the guilt for feeling these things get the better of me and I think, "Shame on you Laurie...you'll regret saying that because someday you will wish you had them to gripe and complain"!

After my father broke his pelvis...2 weeks before Christmas, he went into a rehab facility for 2 weeks and needs time to let the pelvis heal on its own. The next step was for him to go to a skilled nursing facility, but...he is totally out of skilled nursing days. I had already visited an assisted living center here in my hometown, and thought it was really nice. My mom was so mad because the rehab facility was, "kicking them out." She kept talking about how they had no choices anymore. So, two days before he was to be discharged, I told them that they did have a choice. They could either go back to their home and hire someone full-time to assist my father with potty transfers, shower transfers, etc., or they could go to the assisted living center for respite care and they would take care of him. and either way, Medicare would pay for a physical therapist to help. They kept wanting me to make the decision, but I refused to because I wanted them to feel they still had a "choice." They decided on the assisted living center and have not even been there 2 weeks yet.

But.........it is the very same story. My father is still unhappy, still cries in the evenings, and still tries to get my mom to help him rather than the aides. I think my mom is determined to try and care for him herself, because she wants to go home asap. I kept thinking, "Well, If I get them a day bed with a trundle underneath and move 2 of my high back chair/recliners in their room, then this will help things. WRONG! I shouldn't have even bothered. I thought, "Well, my dad complains that he is lonely and wants people to visit with and have coffee with so maybe this place will fill that need and THEN they will be happy." WRONG AGAIN.......And then I thought, "Well, if I make sure that they have a t.v. in their room and if I go and get my mom and take her away from there for a few hours, then they will be happy"...WRONG, WRONG, WRONG.

I know this is long and I don't blame any of you for not taking the time to read this, but I've got to get it out!

Absolutely NOTHING makes my parents happy. I went there nearly every day last week and even brought my mom to my house, helped her get a bath and relax, and then the next day she went wedding dress shopping for my daughter's dress with my daughter and I. She is grateful for getting away from there but I think that my father is really difficult to her when no one else is around. But, I know what DOES make them happy...they told me so. They have said over and over again, "When you come around then everything is okay and we are happy." Do you guys know how much more guilt that places on my shoulders????????????? They still want to go home and my dad requires assistance every time he bathes, etc.

I am so upset that I am hyperventilating, however I feel as if I am a bad person to complain about something like this.

I need a good book about elder care so that I can get some answers.......

Thanks for letting me vent!

Laurie

OP, you are right about a puppy, but if an elder can manage a routine there are older pets for adoption. I tend to agree with you about dogs in general though. They get very attached and rehoming is hard on them even in the best situations. Cats have more independence but you never can count on them to be affectionate, Again, an older one might work, kittens are so rowdy.

But a guinea pig. now that is good. They live maybe 5 years, and are fun and safe. I kept bettas at Mom's for years. I didn't replace the last one. though. One of Mom's neighbor's has a rescue greyhound that they take to a nursing home and sometimes they bring her to see Mom.

Often a pet is one more bit of confusion and burden in an over loaded household, but so many times it is also a special and non judgemental connection to another living creature,,,a reason to get up in the morning. My aunt and uncle have a pair of parakeets they just dote on. They are almost 90, but they have help. I don't know WHO cleans the cage, but they do feed and water them, talk to them, teach them words. The daughter who gave them to them will take them if they must have a new home.

There are some really nice fish tank set ups now that are reasonable. We used a 2 1/2 gal with filter and light for her betta and gold mystery snail. I really liked that snail. It got to be the size of a ping pong ball.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Bobcat,

RE: Pets. Please consider their lifespan. A puppy will outlive an elderly owner, and that's a cruel place for an animal to be unless the caregiver knows for a fact they will take in the animal when it comes time.

I realize animals are therapeutic but they are also living creatures that will need love, care, and attention for decades.

quote:

RE: Pets. Nonononononono.

I have to respectfully disagree on this one Op many of my cases have pets, the calming influence far out weighs the negative especially when their bored by inactivity.
Cats are ok but the smaller dogs which many of my patients do have I see a genuine connection and caring for them even in the midst of AD.
My MIL for instance, I had a guinea pig for her (she just passed on at 5 years old) and I can say hands down she was never more calm with that little piggie nevermind the endless giggles over the sounds Princess piggie makes when she was rooting for veggies in mil's hand....cutest dang thing
I got another one 3 weeks ago thats in training...introducing Princess Oreo (oops pics didnt come out the lil rat moves too fast still ) but the squeals?! She just let out her first squeal yesterday for her favorite treat of spring mix (lettuce)
When she slows down a bit Ill let y'all meet Her Highness of Oreo land....

RE: Pets. Nonononononono. A visiting pet under supervision, that someone else boards and cares for, is great but your parents are having a hard enough time taking care of themselves -- don't add an animal into the mix.

I think it's great your daughter will be paid for her time there. That's a good idea.

I still fear your parents sound like they need full-time company, though. I do wish they'd been reasonable and stayed at the AL home. Since they came home, come hell or high water, I'd really suggest looking into how full time care could be there.

i would just put my foot down & tell your Mom no you are staying here for saftey reasons.End it period!!

Laurie is he using a urinal in the facility during the day and evening hours?
If not then the same rule should apply at home.
He needs to get up and move around or he will lose any progress he has made so far.
Ok there are instances when they should sit and relax if they are over exerting themselves but as soon as they are capable of resuming normal activities then they should.
Using a urinal is IMHO laziness, if he CAN get up then he SHOULD no ifs ands or buts about it.
Is there anyway you can get another day added with HH?
While I dig the fact your daughter is a CNA (you go girl) sometimes getting family to do what they should doesnt always work out knowaddimean? Oh yeah ya do!
If your parents can afford HH for 2 or more days 4 hours a day, your daughter takes a day or 2 and you take a couple, together you will all make sure everything gets done and meals are taken care of everyday without someone being constantly called in to rescue them.
I honestly think thats your best bet.
Mom using a trashcan ta piddle though?!
Seriously?!
Ok theres somethin wrong with that picture my dear. If she doesnt realize she needs to piddle something is not right.
Was she in distress? That could cause that unless...does she have an overactive bladder? That may be the cause.
Have her checked out.
Do they have the big remotes for the TV if not get them.
Everything they call you on think about sweetie, see if theres something that solves the problem to prevent the endless calling.
I mean their going to call just to see or hear you thats a given but the little things that you can control try to take care of them now so it doesnt start the old habits.
I changed all my lightbulbs out in the house at the same time with CFL's you can find them on sale a 4 pack for 1.99
It cuts down on the energy bill and they outlast regular bulbs by years.
When making meals at home make a little extra and place it in microwavable plates with the covers and drop off the next day for their lunch or dinner.
Oh do they like pets?
A small dog maybe? Something they can nurture and take their minds off their own worries?

Hi Everyone,

I have a new update on mom & dad and the AL/vs going home situation. Their monthly payment contract runs out on Sunday and they are determined to go home, but still playing the blame game when questioned about why.

My mom told me that they would go home on Sunday, however since my husband I are the ones responsible for moving their stuff back...including a day bed, two chairs from our house, a t.v. and t.v. stand along with a lot of clothing, I felt like it should be what was convenient for me. It turns out that my husband's best high school friend's mom died and the service is on Saturday at a town that is 1 1/2 hours away from us. Then on Sunday, my step-daughter and her family are coming from New Mexico for an overnight visit so we have plans on Sunday as well.

You guys can tell me if you think I am taking some of this too far, but here is what I have already done and plan to do:

1. Mom called me from the AL today to see how I was feeling. I have had a relentless headache since last Thursday and today I was headache-free! I told her that I would be coming to move them home tomorrow. She acted kind of shocked but I just told her to begin packing their things and that my husband and I would be by tonight (Thursday) to pick up one of the chairs, the t.v. and what we could fit in our Suburban.

2. I went to their house today to throw out old food in the fridge, however I didn't clean the fridge. My daughter is helping them a few days a week for pay and this should be her job.

3. After we went and retrieved some of their things from them tonight, I was astounded at how wonderful my father is looking. They have only been there a month, and he has already put on 11 pounds. I know this is because he is eating 3 meals a day on a regular basis. When they lived at home, he would either skip breakfast or eat breakfast and then not eat the meals on wheels that came at noon. He would then skip supper. Everytime I went over there, mom was reclined on the couch, too exhausted to move and consequently didn't ever fix daddy much to eat. Sometimes I think he got 2 ensures a day, but he has this habit of saying, "No," when he is asked something...even when the word is, "yes." When mom would ask him if he was hungy, he said no and she left it at that because she was tired. At the AL Center, when he told them no to a meal, they encouraged him to go to the dining room to visit anyway and have a glass of tea. He always ended up eating everything on his plate.

Let me tell you all...It pains me to see how wonderful he looks with 10 pounds on him and I know that he will decline at home. I am even wondering if there is a law as to when an elderly person is deemed too thin or malnutritioned to stay at home????? He was weighing 118 when he broke his pelvis and then I think he got down to 115 lbs. He now weighs 129, which is still underweight for him by about 15 pounds.

4. I bought a dry erase board that is actually a calendar, and then another plain dry erase board (small). I plan on writing the month, and my daughter's name on Mon & Wed (which is when she comes), and then scheduling myself to go over to their house on Tues & Fri for about 2 or 3 hours. I also plan that home health will come in some and will place that on the calendar as well. My reason for doing this is to show them that this is the schedule of opportunities for my daughter or I to change light bulbs, get groceries, take out trash, etc. My plan is that my daughter will do most of this since she is getting paid for it and then I can spend my time playing dominoes or something with my parents while I am there.

5. I know there will be emergencies when I will need to be there other than scheduled time but if they call me because the wrong button was pushed on the t.v., or a light bulb needs changing, then I plan on telling them that it will either have to wait until my daughter or I am there or I can call a neighbor to help them occasionally. My husband will help out as well.

6. The other dry erase board is for my mom to write down things such as what they need from the store and/or small things that need to be taken care of the next time my daughter or I are there. This will hopefully prevent them from calling me and demanding that it be taken care of immediately as was the case in the past.

7. I'm not sure how long it will take until my mom reaches the point of explosion, but when it does she will definately call me. Before my dad fell this last time, these calls from her were coming in nearly every single day, sometimes several times per day. She would always say that he was about to drive her crazy, that she couldn't even go to the bathroom without him needing her, that he was crying and wouldn't be happy until I came over because I made everything okay, that he couldn't get the t.v. to work and was frustrated, that she had been up since the crack of dawn because he gets up so early, that he was forgetting where he was or how to get to the bathroom (however the memory problems have almost diminished since they have been at the
AL center), that all he did was pee and wanted his urinal. Of course, I was supposed to drop everything I was doing and come and fix things...and I did. When my mom gets to this point, my plan is to remind her in a loving way that this was the, "going home," part of what she knew she would be facing with him when they left the AL place and that maybe she could think of some ways in which to handle these things with him by making a list of possible solutions. By my doing this, I am not running over there to make things better, but rather encouraging her to come up with a solution to something that she herself has told me that would happen at home. She told me yesterday that she wanted to go home and when she was 95, then she would go to an AL place. She also told me that she was prepared to get up early with him from now on, and to do whatever she has to do to make him happy at home.

They have an agreement that he will no longer get up on his own at 4:30 or 5:00 a.m. to drink coffee and get the paper, but he will have to stay in bed until 7:00-8:00 in which mom will get up with him, fix his coffee, and get his paper. (Considering that he is 82...I don't know that he can handle this arrangement). However, at the AL facility, my dad would wander down to the kitchen for coffee and it wouldn't be ready. So...just to accomodate him, they began making it early so it would be ready for him. He will not have this luxury at home though.

Here are some other things that were going on at home prior to him breaking his pelvis that I am worried will resume:

My father would keep a urinal hanging on a trash can next to his recliner in the living room. Rather than going to the b-room, he will use the urinal all day long. There is also a urinal in the bedroom that he uses at night (I can accept this). There were a lot of poop accidents because he couldn't make it to the bathroom, which has never happened at the AL center. He wore the same warm-up suits nearly every day, rarely combed his hair, etc.

My mom keeps a potty chair by her bed. She doesn't need it at all, but rather than walk to the bathroom, she just gets up during the night and uses the potty chair...urinate and poop...and then sometimes will not empty the chair or the urinals. This causes the house to stink. One time my mom and I were in her kitchen and all of a sudden she tells me that she has to tee tee bad and proceeds to urinate in the kitchen trash can!!!!!!!! She said, "I can't help it, I've got to go."

Is this laziness or what???????????

He is also not supposed to shower on his own or with my mom's help anymore. From now on, my daughter (who is a CNA) has to help him or home health.

My parents have genuinely brought a lot of life to that AL they are in. I have even suggested to them that maybe this is their ministry, but then my mom replies, "Oh, I think it is and that is why when you (I) teach the chair fit class on Fridays there, we will go with you and visit them." Of course, I wasn't asked if I would take them out there with me every Friday, she just assumes. So...the class I teach there lasts 30 minutes, and then I usually do not linger very long due to other committments. I plan on taking them with me, but loading them up and leaving immediately after my class is over. I think that they are going to realize that they aren't getting much of a visit in when I do not leave them there for hours.

Friends, I need your honesty and I need to know if my plans are too harsh. I am not exactly angry they are going home, I just do not think it is a good idea at all. They know this, but I am respecting their wishes and do not have power of attorney to change it if I could. I am deeply worried about their quality of life at home. What do you all think? Any ideas?

Please do not be afraid to tell me like it is!

I love you all

Laurie

HI- I am a lurker here and this site has given me much needed perspective. A brief background-When Mom and Dad lived in their home- my Dad had bypass surgeries, hip replacements, pacemaker, urinary problems, congestive heart failure, depression and chronic pain. The worst was the chronic pain- it clouded all judgement, thought, and emotion. The 900lb. gorilla- became just a grumpy old gorilla- which caused all sorts of family frustrations (thousands of sibling emails and left my sister with deep depression). He passed in his home in 2006 with 24/7 home help. In the meantime my Mom tried to care for him up until she had a head injury in 2005. She went home from the hospital and sat in her easy chair, with no stimulation, limited phys. therapy- plenty of home help- for a year at home with Dad till he passed. Being at home was what Dad wanted, it was not the best situation for Mom. We had many family discussions about AL, and even paid for AL for 3 months without them ever moving! Mom has now been in AL for about a year now- in my city. She has her own apartment, goes to activities, exercise, and has friends. She does have dementia, needs guidance and help. When she first moved in it took a while to get used to the new surroundings and her biggest issue was that she did not have friends- which she eventually made.

I found the hardest thing to learn is maintaining perspective and taking a step back from the situation. It is very difficult to decide what to do when you are right in the middle of everything and trying to make everybody happy. If Mom and Dad are being well cared for, plenty of activities, great staff, decent food,etc... don't rush the decision to move out too quickly. Take a deep breath. Dollars to donuts it will not make everybody happy to move back home at this time- you (and your Mom) will still have issues to deal with- you just have to decide which issues. See if you can get them to agree to sticking around for a couple of months, 3 or 6- whichever you think you can get away with- then they can make the "decision" to move. As was already suggested try hard to stay out of the middle of the he said she said and just be positive. If your Dad has chronic pain it will cloud his thought process and what he says. Accept that you can't fix or change him- but you can love him and make sure he is well cared for. Moving is hard on anyone at any age and takes a while to adjust.

This is all so very difficult- be good to yourself and Good Luck!

laurie, BG and Op have said most of it. I have to remark they sound much like folks do when they are young and raising kids and have to say no but don't want to be the bad guy. "Ask youor Mom" "Ask your Dad", "Whatever Dad says" "Whatever your Mom thinks"....

When my Dad had cancer Mom couldn't take care of him, so there had to be help in the home or an AL. Bro found a really nice one not 10 minutes from his house, 30 mins from mine. The administrator went all through school with me and an older brother was a classmate of my brother. This was 8 years ago and neither of us knew squat about home care or hiring CGs We wanted this for them and hoped Mom would make friends and begin to feel at home there. The place was perfect.

Dad says, "Your Mother doesn't want to go".. I talk to Mom, she says "Your father wants to be in his own home through this" And if you asked them together, they would promise to discuss it later

Oh, well, They never went at all, Dad had hospice in home. We learned how to hire CGs, learned how to help him as best we could. Mom is still there, with 24/7 and we have worked it out. I do believe that if they had gone to the AL, it would have suited them both. In someways, I wish they had, but then I wouldn't be Mom's primary CG now, wouldn't have learned all that I have. It is lemons to lemonade sort of thing. BUT don't get pushed around so that their decision becomes yours.


You don't say how much time he has left of PT. To complete his PT would be a good reference point. If he can accomplish enough independence to not wear out your Mom, maybe fine, but if not, I would not agree to help them. Perhaps an afternoon at the house for Mom alone would help her resolve to not get herself in that fix again, or let her realize that she does in fact think it is worth it.

I'd suggest being more firm about the decision. Not "Too bad, you can't go home" but do suggest they stick it out awhile, and when one of them says the same thing, reinforce it by being positive.

I think I know what they really mean when they say they "want to go home." They want to be young again and back where they were healthy and in control. A particular house may be associated with memories of that but going to that house won't help, really, because only going back in time would do it. (I don't know that I'd throw that in their faces, but keep it in mind when it's being discussed.)

If you have a chance, check into "Senior Peer Support" or similar programs in your area. That might help your dad, in particular -- you could tell them you're hoping there might be a male volunteer who would visit him. People who sign up to help with programs like that are usually social by nature, so it could fill in a gap that's not fulfilled by the AL home.

Ok time to get those 2 in a room together at the same time Laurie.
Mom wants to stay and Dad is trying to make Mom the bad guy...ok their both trying to make each other the bad guy but mom sounds like she wants to stay at the ALF.
Dad telling fables? Possible Dementia?
What your saying so far, his making bad decisions that end up costing him in the way of broken bones/pain not concerned with his wife's feelings or yours for that matter.
But then at the end of what you just posted it sounds a little like their playing you???
Trying to delay the move coming up with one excuse after another. I dont get it.
Ok, straight up, I have to ask have they ever guilted you into doing something you didnt want to do?
Cause it sure sounds like a snow job to me but hey I could be wrong....back to the Dementia theory then.

Hey guys, I posted again right below the last one....

Okay Friends...I'm back and sorry I'm just now communicating what is going on with my parents.

Thank you all so much for words of encouragement, being able to relate to me, and just being here.

So last time that I posted, I was making mom and dad choose where to go...AL or home. That was on January 12th. Now it is January 25th, and they are planning on going on at the end of this week already!!!!!!!

I love the AL facility and the care the staff gives. Mom has gotten some much needed rest and has let the aides help now. However, I took dad to the Ortho doctor about 8 days ago and the doc said that the pelvis was healed. He told my dad that if there was another fall, it would probably be a nursing home rather than a choice of AL or home. He also told him that he absolutely could not be without his walker AT ALL ANYMORE. Nor can he take showers unassisted by a professional.

So.......the minute we are out of the office, they are talking about going home. I asked mom on a scale from 1 to 10, with 1 being that she hasn't had much relief with help from staff and 10 being that she has..what did she rate it since being at the AL. She said at least an 8, but dad wants to go home. And then dad said mom wanted to go home.

The only thing that I have been disappointed in with the facility is that there are only 2 other men there and one of them doesn't like to talk AT ALL...and the other one has Stage 2 Alzheimer's and has had a stroke that affects his speech, plus he is nearly deaf. So, dad hasn't found a friend. He feels that it's the same there as at home, but I beg to differ with him because of the 3 meals a day, sitting with others and eating, interacting with staff, etc. Plus, mom is getting some rest as well.

I got real upset at the idea of them going home, but I finally just gave it to God. I just told him to take the situation and that His will be done...not mine or theirs. I did break down and cry two different times in their room, and told them I wanted them to be happy and worried about them going home. After that happened and I prayed, then the next day dad asked when they could go home. I said, "Now, tomorrow, whenever you want." He said, "Well, is the house ready"? I was like, "Dad, the house has already been ready...nothing at the house has changed and you can go home any time." Mom said, "Well, let's just wait until the end of the month since we are paid up." I said, "Don't let that deter you both because the AL will reimburse the days you don't use if you decide to leave." She said, "Well, it will be easier if we wait." I'm thinking to myself, "No Mom, you don't want to go home and get worn out again."

So, this is what has been said since then on a daily basis. The staff asks them not to leave, dad tells them he is perfectly happy there but mom isn't. Mom puts it on dad...I keep sayng, "Get your things together and let's go." They say, "Well, it would take you and Jerry a while to move us back." I say, "Mom, we can move you back in about 2 hours time." They keep stalling.

Then, last week one of the aides called me and asked me how to adjust mom and dad's t.v. She said that my dad told her, "Do not call Laurie." She asked him why and he said he was mad at me. When she said this, I was like," Mad at me"? I had gone and gotten my mom that day, taken her to my house to relax, crushed her meds for her, took her back to the AL place, went and taught my aerobics class and had gone and picked up her prescription for thyroid and was on my way to the facility when the aide called. I said to the aide, "Mad about what"? She said, "Well, he said that you were trying to send them to another town and he was staying right where he was and you were not going to send them anywhere."

Okay guys.....I have NEVER, EVER told my parents that I was even thinking of sending them anywhere, much less another town! I asked her what town and she said, "Colorado City," which is their home town that they cry about all of the time and want to go back to. I was hurt and flabergasted. When I got to the facility, I went in the room and said, "Daddy, why in the world did you say that I was trying to send you and mom to Colorado City"? He said, "Well, that's what you said."

Okay guys....I never said this! I said, "Daddy, I have never said that...where is this coming from." My mom just shook her head and told me that he just feels like I want to send them back to Colorado City because I cry and am stressed all of the time over them.

My parents do not have a good relationship with my sister for various reasons, and I all of a sudden began to see that if my dad "dreams things up in his head" like this, they could very well do the same to me. I told my dad, "Yes daddy, I do get stressed, cry and am upset a lot of the time because of you and mother, but I'm pretty sure that I am not the only adult child that does this." He said, "Well what can we do to not make you stressed"? I said, "Choose to be happy during this time you both have together." He assured me that them going back home will solve everything...I am thinking, "Bull Corn."

Basically, I feel a rift between my parents and I right now and I don't know what is going on with them. I feel that I am not as close to my dad now, and that my mom is teetering on edge all of the time because she knows what going home means, but neither of them will give.

Also, I have started a 30 minute chair exercise class at the AL facility on Friday mornings. Well......mom has now told everyone that she and dad would come with me on Fridays so that they can visit and see everyone. I am thinking, "Wait a minute....I plan my day to get there ten minutes before class starts, teach the class, stay about ten more minutes and then leave." However, mom has now decided that Friday will be their visiting time at the AL place, which means I have to go by and get them when I shouldn't or wouldn't have to if they wouldn't go home. I don't like it that she has decided that them having a friday visit will make up to everyone there because they are leaving.

My mom has also told the physical therapist that once he cannot come anymore, that I can help my dad with his exercises because I am a fitness instructor. Well...........I would like that to be my decision and not hers.

Okay....I'm done venting but will check back daily for any clarity or answers......

I love you guys

Lauriek

Vent away m'dear vent away....
Thoughts...check
Guilt....check
Screaming till ya have no voice left.....check
Angry.....check
Bein wrong....check
Going out of your way to please someone.....check
Have you been honest with them?
Have you told them it pains you greatly to see them both suffer and this is the main reason why they are in this facility?
It takes an extraordinary individual to do this type of care and not pull their hair out.
Often times we all teeter on that line.
You are a compassionate person Laurie but there is a line to which no one should cross.
When you feel like you are being taken advantage of or not listened to that is where you must stop for your own sake.
If this was you that needed the help how would you like someone to approach you on the matter?
If thats a tough one to answer going to this facility's Social Worker is one option.
They deal with this all the time and it may finally sink in hearing from an outsider who has nothing to gain or lose here.
Laurie sometimes no matter what we do how we do it or what we say makes any difference to someone who needs help because they are depressed and facing their own mortality.
Their freedom is slowly melting away and there is nothing that you can do about that except be there to give hugs and love, but what these 2 really need is a Doctor who recognizes your dad is definitely suffering from depression and probably your mom as well.
I cant imagine watching your dad crying is uplifting knowaddimean?
So heres something you can really do without being wrong yet again.
Ask for help and get their Doc to take another looksee at your parents for depression, tell him/her exactly what you told us.
Now step back a little and let this facility's staff do their job there may be a gem somewhere in this facility that can convince your parents a little help isnt all that bad

lAURIEK, MOST OF US HAVE BEEN TO THE POINT THAT YOU ARE NOW.You have been given good advice buy all.Guilt , boy do we all understand that.
Having to be firm is not easy.We have all had to do such.
Trust in your self to guide mom and dad to a place that will keep them safe and sound.
Could your dad be suffering from anxiety or depression with the crying at night.Just a thought

Laurie, my own situation is very different, but I can still relate to you about yours. For all I can tell, shame and guilt are counter productive in elder care as long as you are trying to do what you belive is best AND reaching out for support. Only you and your parents can decide what is best, and sometimes it has to be you.

You don't seem to think there is dementia involved, just stubborn hard headedness... If that is the case, then I commend you for standing your ground and making them choose between what seems to be 2 relatively safe alternatives.

I think they were wise to choose the AL near you, but now, you might have to back off a tad and let them find their way around. This has been a great choice for many, especially when a couple goes together. They may never admit it to you but hopefully, when you sneak in for a peak, you will find them socializing with other residents. Often this is true. Just keep an eye out to make sure this place delivers on its promises. Good Luck and stay with us with updates. If there are doubts or concerns, don't be shy. Let's hear it. Some one here has some experience in most areas. Personally I think if they can move together, it is a blessing. I hope so for you and yours. .

First, Laurie, BREATHE!!! Let it out and take another deep one! You are NOT alone nor are you complaining about something insignificant!! Wish there was a good book on Eldercare, but it would be 10,000 pages long because there are so many variables!

Assisted living is about their best option, but it takes time for old folks to become comfortable in a new setting. Visit them regularly, but don't let them "guilt" you into doing more than you can reasonably handle! There are activities that they can enjoy there and a lot of other people with whom they can make friends... Perhaps discussing some of this with the person who's in charge of their care there might help them get out a little more, and especially find some extra support for your mom from folks who have the same issues as she's experiencing with your dad.

This is TOUGH stuff! You have to learn when to be understanding and when to be tough and that just doesn't come easily when dealing with our parents!!

Hang in there and know that we're here!! Long posts, short posts, happy, sad, angry, depressed - it's all part of it and we DO care enough to read every single word!