Today was my Mom's 66th birthday. She is at the nursing home where she is in the dementia unit with severe Lewy Body Disease. My husband decides he MUST mow the lawn before we go to the nursing home. I warn him that there isn't enough time but he has to do it. Then we start out, kids in car, 2 puppies on leashes to bring along. We stop at store and they all wait outside while I madly dash to get fresh flowers and candy. I get back in car and husband says we have to reschedule the visit because his GOLF appointment is now too close. I angrily tell him to take me home, planning to take my own car and just go. He gets mad and says that he wants to discuss this so that I won't "pout" about it later. To make a long story short, a huge fight ensues, kids upset, tears, migraine... And I go to the visit alone with my flowers and candy where I find Mom in tears on her bed because she wants to get a job. A job! I feel near hysteria at this point but I choke back my own tears. So I talk to Mom, distract her, get her to eat a couple of chocolates, help her change her clothes into something more summery and we go out and sit on the terrace for an hour. Finally she is calm and I go home. Husband now wants to get ME to understand that he merely wanted to discuss a schedule change and doesn't understand why I am so upset. HELLO? I thought he knew how I dreaded these visits (I haven't kept this a secret), how I stressed over them and didn't sleep the night prior, how I have a stomach ache all day afterward. Does he really think that it would be ok to stop in mid drive, go back home and delay it for a few hours more while he golfs! Can I just add more anxiety for you dear? It is now hours later and kids are now mad at both of us because they just got back from camp yesterday and wanted a day of peace not a day of us fighting, I am still tearing up and he is trying to "discuss" MY being unreasonable. I feel the need to run away and hide.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Hannah,

Hannah

Sorry to hubby is acting like #1 jerk(wanted to type something else but knew it would be censored, lol).

Most men are from a different mold than us women. Their priorities are cars, golfing, lawn & themselves to name a few. I really wonder if they have the ability to comprehend the emotional side. They like black & white, things they can see & touch.

I have learned from these "let downs" & as MB said, you just make your plans, invite them but proceed. Especially on important days like Mom's bdy. GRRR I would like to give your hubby a piece of my mind.

This is a tough road you are traveling w/Mom right now & if he can't be supportive ta heck w/him. You're a strong woman & I know you have the strength w/in you to get thru this.

hannah, one thing your family will never get is the lifelong blood bond that you have with your mom, the history, the part of her that is you. not until your children get older and you face whatever old age throws your way will they get it. happy birthday to your mom anyway. too bad you couldn't take us all along with you. we would know how to party! dry those tears for now. as my great hero, scarlette o'hara used to say, " i can't think about that right now, i'll go crazy. i'll think about it tomorrow. after all, tomorrow is another day."

quote:

let him get happy in the same pants he got unhappy in.

Blue, that's worthy of needlepointing and hanging over my computer!

Hannah, don't be too hard on yourself concerning your daughter's reaction to the situation.

Maybe she is feeling in the middle. Since H flipped the situation, making you look like the bad "guy", she could be sick of it all.

NOT to blame you honey, just looking at what "I" am getting from it all.

I too know exactly what MB is saying, and I know your exact feelings. Having age and too much experience on my side, if it were me, I would move on and let him get happy in the same pants he got unhappy in. This is not your fault, you were trying to balance the platter that was sitting on your head.

Daughter will be better, and H may or may not get it, EVER! In the mean time, you are the suffering one, don't be his victim!!! I know it was too much at one time, soon, you will get it back together and be the strong woman you are!

We will always be here for you!!!!

Perhaps it would be a good time to sit the WHOLE family down and explain to them that this is NOT easy on you and that just because Mom's in a NH doesn't mean that YOU are not feeling the stress of wondering how she is being treated, wanting to spoil her every chance you get, the difficulty in getting oneself "primed" for a visit, etc. A big ol' nasty argument really sux and it does upset the entire family, but sometimes, the understanding that can come of it is enlightening for everyone. Despite the aggravation, it wasn't a "killin' offense" (well maybe just a flesh wounding one ) and there are lessons for each member of your family to learn from it! Try not to take their lack of understanding too much to heart - none of them experienced your mom as you did and none of them carry the emotional and responsibility load for her that you do now. The best way they can support you even when they don't understand is to LISTEN to you! Oftentimes we make conflicting statements and others just don't understand how one can have so many opposing feelings all about the same person, but that is the reality of it! The kids can learn that a little kindness goes a LONG way and perhaps your husband can learn that it is reasonable to expect that sometimes, his wife is gonna get aggravated with his behavior! Pushing an aggravated caregiver is one of the most unwise things anyone can do!

Now dry those tears! It's a new week, everyone is healthy and life still holds the promise of wonderful things to come!

Perhaps this would be a good day to do something totally selfishly WONDERFUL for yourself! Once, after a big ol' "kitchen sink" type fight with my husband & son (you know - the kind where everyone trots out everything but the kitchen sink...), I was at the grocery store the following day, still sniffling, and I saw the flowers and decided I was gonna buy me some damned flowers since I was feeling crappy. My husband was truly incredulous when he got home and asked who sent the flowers, and I told him, "I hadda LOUSEY day yesterday, so I bought me some flowers." Took the wind right outta his sails! I don't know if my son noticed, but perhaps the old man tipped him off that it wouldn't be a good idea to mess with Mom any more for a few days... Not another unpleasant word was said. I would like to say that DH learned something and now brings me flowers when he has behaved like a butthead, but I wouldn't wanna lie to y'all! Ah well - can't win 'em all... HOWEVER, my son DOES bring his fiancee flowers when he has erred bigtime, so perhaps SOME good came from it!

MB... EXACTLY! Somehow this is all my fault because I wouldn't discuss this "minor" schedule change!!! Thank you! I can tell that you have experienced this same "phenom". And thanks to all for the pats on the back. Other than this website I feel like the only one who understands my tears is my cat! I didn't get a chance to kick Husband out of bed - he never came to bed! Who is pouting? Update today...Husband is being contrite but still doesn't 'get it'. I am still in tears every hour or so and I just feel so damn lonely. One daughter still giving ME the silent treatment...for being upset I guess. I tried to talk to her today and I got the "whatever Mom" brush off. I am sadly coming to the conclusion that I must just start to depend on me, myself and I from here on out. Thanks all.

Y'all, what aggravates me so much about Hannah's lousey experience is that things were turned around to make it seem like SHE is the one who is somehow at fault! I have been a victim of this style of argument before and it is one of the most insulting ways to treat someone that I can think of. That's why I don't just wanna have a smack - leaving a minor scar would be more along my thoughts...

I hope that today is a better day, Hannah!

Hannah Honey!

I agree with everything the girls have written.

Yes, your H was acting like a butt! He knew he was, and he continued. Turning your anxious day into a mess.

Don't let that happen in the future. Just make your plans, take the kids (they need to go, its always a good lesson in family need, mostly, being there for you! and grandmother). Give your H amply warning of the date chosen, he then has the opportunity to make a choice. He then has to live with his choice, no excuses are necessary. I have lived through this and I know how you feel. Just do your thing, there will be no fights, your kids will be ok. You can come home and do something fun with the kids. And feel good about being with your Mom!

Just do your best everyday, at the end of the week, you'll know your best was all you could do, and feel good about it , no matter what you had to handle or the outcome!

Thinking of you!!!!!!!!!!

The smacking line up sounds like fun, but I haven't got the energy.

My system is similar to Mom's Buddy's, Coordinating other people for a planned event, just adds to the frustration. And the company of sulking unwilling people is just not worth it. I make my plans, and make sure he knows he's welcome to come.

Of all the days for you to get jerked around like this, your Moms birthday was a bad choice. It wasn't too much to ask, and I'm so sorry it worked out like that.

I'm glad you got your Mom cheered up some.

Hi Hannah, I want to smack your hubby too! Did he wake up drunk today? Sounds like a good case for him sleeping on the couch for about a month. Has this happened before? If so, go see MOM alone from now on. You are right - you don't need the added stress. Good luck!

hannah. i just wanted to add a ps to my last reply to "i want to smack my husband" i would also like to smack your husband. do i have to stand in a line for a turn? bet the line is longer than a wait a walmart! oh well, it will be worth it.

hi hannah. it sounds like your day really stunk. i'm sorry. if it's any help i was reading about a new procedure that might benefit your husband. i think it is called a headanalectopy, where they can now remove a person's head when it gets stuck up their butt. i hear it is relatively painless. one of the unfortunate side effects is that the patient is then exposed to the world around them. some patients in the test study were unwilling to adjust to this side effect and discountined the necessary follow up treatment. another interesting study is count therapy. the patient starts counting people, starting wtih themselves. they can stop when they reach two. by two they should have discovered that there are other people in the world besides themselves! i hope he tries one of the above. also, as with most treatments and studies, the person who tells you about reading about them usually can't remember where they saw it. in that case you can uusually assume that it was just wishful thinking. that might be the case here. i might have made it up. whatever, i hope H gets a reality check soon! i'm sorry for your unhappy day. hope it gets better.

Sometimes, our families can be real dunces! When our loved ones are not under their noses every minute, it's "outta sight, outta mind" for others. THey forget that although the person is not residing with you, you are STILL all caught up in this stuff. Activities involving our moms are set in stone to us, but optional to the rest of the world.

It sounds like he ran late accidentally on purpose... Sometimes, it pays NOT to discuss emotionally charged events like this at the time because EVERYONE is gonna lose... BUT if he can goad you into an emotional response, then he gets to point at you and say, "YOU'RE the unreasonable one." Reminds me of when my husband gets mad at me because I am mad at him for doing something wrong! Nice tactic, eh?

To be honest, Hannah, I have gotten to the point that I don't ask anyone to do a danged thing unless I absolutely MUST. It makes me angry when they balk, and "aw, MANNNNN..." and all that stuff. I would rather go alone and not have to listen to the BS.

Sorry your day was spoiled. I think the flowers and candy should be heading YOUR way from your husband... he caused a problem where none had to exist. {{{HUGS}}}

(personally, I might have knifed him...)