Another go around with mom. Trying to get her to make a decision as to whether or not to go to Chicago for Christmas for a week with my brother. I made the mistake of giving her options. I forgot her brain is f'd up for good and it ain't gonna get any better. I excused myself when things started going downhill. My body language was screaming anger and frustation. She got up and got a cup of coffee and came into my room. I couldn't hold back anymore. "Mom, this isn't working. I'm tired of being the bad guy. You're sick and it's not right for me to be angry with you. Blah...blah..blah..." Of course, she took it personally. Is there any other way to take it? dammitdammitdammit! We lost our caregiver and are trying to find another. In the meantime, mom continues to decline. I am not the answer for her and I know it and that hurts because I AM the proverbial caregiver. She responds better to sometone else. Dad has left her lots of dinero. She could easily move into a beautiful assisted living situation where she would be surrounded by her peers. They also provide care for Alzheimer's patients. The place is like a resort. Linen tableclohs in the dining room...we've gone their a couple of times for outings and she liked it a lot. Then she forgets and starts ranting about the car keys again and how I've taken away her freedom. I am all too familiar with how this is probably going to go. I watched her mom turn into a basketcase. Starting fires, breaking windwos to "escape", experiencing horrible hallucinations. Eventually nursing-home bound. My mom and gpa put her in. My mom drove up to visit every week. I also visited and the did same for my other grandparents. My folks moved to Arizona, and I judged them harshly for "abandoning" their parents. I was wrong. This ain't working and I'm feeling pretty fricken' powerless right now. I gave up a $75 thousand dollar a year job to come out here, and I'm glad I did. But now, I'm missing my life, my grandchildren, the relationship I should be having with my husband. We are flat broke with no end in sight. Time to turn it over to my creator 'cuz I'm lost at sea.
Nurse Ratshit

God bless you one and all...I'll keep you posted. Better day today. I have company from out of town. That helps a little. I'll keep you posted.
With love and gratitude,
Kathleen

Kathleen, caregiving IS a very complicated situation... Some of us can make modifications to our homes & lives to accommodate caring at home for a loved one. But some folks CAN'T and that's OKAY! Yes, society expects us to care for our elders, but HOW that is accomplished can be as creative and variable as the individuals involved! At-home is NOT the choice for everyone - in fact, in this day and age, I think it is rarely a good option because of the way we live such hustle-bustle lives these days! Even though your mom may lament and complain when you try to discuss "solutions" with her, take that LONG overview and make a decision based upon EVERYONE'S needs and not just hers... Nursing homes, ALFs, etc. provide one thing that we can't provide at home: SOCIALIZATION with others! With all our attention focused on med schedules, diet, hygiene and all those medical and personal aspects of caregiving, there is precious little energy left over for providing them with stuff to do, people to visit and talk with, etc. For elders who are ambulatory or semi-ambulatory, these facilities can be the best thing that could happen to them! The trick is to find a good place that WILL do what they are 'spoze to do and which will work with US to allow us to continue giving the personal care touch that facilities lack...

Forget about trying to discuss this with your mom... as you discovered, sometimes giving a confused love one an active role in decision making is a surefire recipe for chaos and upheavals! I think what sometimes they verbalize as resistance to going into a residential facility has nothing to do with care or a deep abiding personal preference - they are afraid of going into a new situation, especially one in which they feel powerless.

I feel confident that you will get all this sorted out in your head and in your heart and make a decision that works as well as possible for everyone concerned.

I gave up being the full time care taker and moved my Mom to a really nice assisted living place last November. My "excuses" at the time were...no one home during the day with her, too many stairs in the house and she could fall, and my 12 year old having anxiety attacks due to Grama hallucinating about it. After the fact I realized that these weren't excuses. These were reasons. And valid ones. I feel like our society expects us to be caregivers if we 'really love' our parents. But is this best for us? Is it even best for them? My Mom initially didn't want to go and she cried and it was horrible. BUT now she is genuinely happier. There is someone available 24/7. She has friends. She has planned regular activities and things she is interested in doing. AND I have a life with my husband and children. Trust me, you can move her there and you will STILL have caretaking to do. I do Mom's finances, shop for her and take her out to eat or to my house now and then. The demands on you don't end, but they do get lighter. And it in no way means you are less loving than someone who has their Mom at home with them. I am grateful I had the option of the place she lives - I know not everyone has that choice. Move her to the assisted living place. You will not regret it. I hope to God I never get demetia, but I told my kids that if I ever do I NEVER want them to feel obligated to care for me. I bet your Mom would say the same if she had her whole brain to command.
~Hannah

Baby you need to step back right now...If she is financially sound as you say she is do it...Get her the care she requires in a NH/ALF situation toot sweet! There is no shame in this at all and no one would look down on you for making this decision here....Caregiving is not for everyone sweetie. If you feel this strongly about what you cannot do here it isnt for you. Giving quality care while detatching from the venom they unleash at times is and uphill battle for most. Its hard not to take it personal all the time..
And hun you shouldnt have to go broke doing for your mom she wouldnt want this for you ever! She really does love you and has always wanted the very best for you right? So why would you deliberatly go against something she would want for you? Did she feel guilt for putting her LO in a home? Maybe a little but she knew it was the best for all concerned right?
You surely dont want her upset at you try this out for a while see how she does in there (give it the standard break in time) if you feel at anytime you can resume this responsibility free of anger and resentment you have this choice. Were here for you and will back you 100% sweetie!