Hi everyone, I have not posted in a long time and look the first place I find myself is at the anger wall, go figure. My mother lives with me, She has PD & Dementia and for the most part can not be alone for more than 3 or 4 hours at a time. Last month I had to return to the office and no longer could be at home with her during the day. I was very lucky when my neighbor offered to help by checking on my Mom 3 days a week. The other two days she would be at Day Care. It was always understood that my neighbor expected some kind of payment. I checked around locally and found that a companion-housekeeper is paid $17.00 per hour in Texas. At first, we thought my mom would only need assistance with her lunch. However, one week before I was to move to the new office, my mother fell and suffered a closed head wound No real damage, but then because of the trauma, she suffered delirium for several days. Once I got her back on track, I asked my neighbor to watch her Monday thru Friday until her facial bruising disappeared. My mother would not have wanted to be at day care not looking her best. So in order to compensate my neighbor for the additional day(s), I paid her $100 per week. I also hired her husband to cut some tree stumps down and remove the chain link from an old dog run to the tune of $400, which was fair compensation. Now I also understood that my neighbor was pregnant and needed the extra money for the baby, so we were helping each other out. I was so blown away by her kindness and yes guilty about the $100 per week that when she asked me if I wanted to sell my old 94 Nissan Truck, I told her she could have it. The truck needed new tires and a battery. It wasn’t worth a great deal of money and I thought why not help her out a little. The truck was for her teenage daughter.

So you guess it, now I’m not feeling too bad about the $100 per week. The first few weeks were great. All the stuff she said she would do, she did and much more. At the time she was coming over at 10:00 AM and again at 1:00 PM. There were a couple of times she didn’t show up on time and another time that my mom ate only some bread because my neighbor took my mom’s word that she ate instead of making sure she did eat. In the beginning, my neighbor told me she would bring over lunch to my mom because she always cooked extra, that only happened once.

To be fair, she does the dishes, washes clothes, etc. so I didn’t put much stock if she was late in checking in on my mom. Her baby was due July 6, so I scheduled day care for my mom for the entire month of July except for Wed. I thought surely she would need a break with a newborn baby. Last Sunday, she called and told me she wanted to start looking after my mom again. I explained that my mom was in day care except for Wednesdays. I called my neighbor today from work and left a voice mail on her cell, reminding her that my mom was home alone and could she go help her with lunch at 1:00 and check on her at 3:00. I called my mom at 11:30 to remind her to take her Iron pills. At 2:30 PM , I get a call from my neighbor that the paramedics are at the house and that my mom slid off the bed (she was not hurt) but could not get back up. It appears that she was like that from the time I called, 3 hours. My neighbor gave my mom a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and left. I of course, left work early to return home. The good news, my mom had the sense and the ability to call 911.
Firstly, I blame myself for this whole incident. I should have not just left a voice mail for my neighbor but I always get her voice mail. My neighbor told me she didn’t get my voice mail until 2:00 but then she was doing something else until the paramedics came to her door asking for the key to the house. So my thinking was, she probably wasn’t going to come over and check on my mom at all. Now, here is the rub. I talked to her this evening. I gave her my mom’s day care schedule and asked her if she could check on my mom one day next week and then one day the following week. She then remarks that I should contact the day care and see if they can’t spread the remaining scheduled days so she can look after my mom the three days. I know this whole thing now is about the money. She’s a good person but I am having to question her reliability. She saves me a great deal of money because day care would run me about $1,000 per month if my mom went every day. A real care giver/companion would have a 4 hour minimum compared to the 2 hours I’m paying to my neighbor. My mom does real well but I can’t have her laying on the floor for 3 hours.I'm mad at myself most of all.

I have to agree I had cameras in my home with my MIL and I can most certainly say a camera by itself is not a replacement for a real live caregiver.
Mine were placed in the home by me as a tool to help me in preventing an accident from happening since my MIL did not like to have someone hovering around her all the time *she is prone agitation for any little thing*
I could also tell by monitoring her via the camera whether we were going to have a good day or bad and approach her in a manner that caused as little stress to her as possible.
It did a great job but would I be out of the home to watch her long distance?
Not a chance! I saw first hand how easily a situation can take a turn whether it was her inflicting harm to herself climbing on shelving and drawers to find a weapon of choice to pick at herself with *thank GOD for that camera*
In that matter I found hoarded razors needles mini pocket knives for hackin off offending moles, skin tags, or in the hallucinatory stage picking at imaginary things only she saw.
And the ONLY room no camera was installed...the bathroom where she got into the most trouble...as in passing out from a slow bleed, had I not heard the thud I shiver to think.
IMHO a camera is a wonderful tool in conjunction with a care giver on site

These cameras are becoming quite common.They do just as those who are not able to be in the afflicteds home need them to do.
I believe you are going to see more advancements in this technology.Maybe something they wear besides the cameras that give warnings.
Heck, care facilities have hands on and we see more dam accidents happen under their care.
Many times we have to do what we can under a difficult situation.
Too many are put into a desperate situation.They want to assure their loved ones safety but not always able to do it them selves and they lack the funds to hire someone.
I believe the money spent to care facilities could be given to families to hire someone.
They get payed by the insirance or government directly as to have no problems with money being mis handled.
This is a field that could be wide open to help.
Train individuals to be health aides without a private agency.

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you don't even need to be in the house to know what goes on

No, but you might need to be there to help someone cope with what goes on... cameras are not the same as human sitters or companions. Many folks who are cognitively impaired do not know how to handle an emergency when it arises... and a camera will not do that for them. It CAN alert a caregiver to when more supervision is needed, however.

quote:

The other great thing was that I purchased a little home surveillance system that lets me check on my mom while at work.

That's a great idea. When we were caring for Mom at home, a baby monitor in her room made a huge difference, but I never thought about the fact remote technology has advanced to the point you don't even need to be in the house to know what goes on. :-)

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Originally posted by Moms_Buddy:
I wish you had used another term... I think you meant caregiver or sitter... 'cause if we're gonna talk "warden," as in jailer,

Moms Buddy, I am expressing how my mother feels every day.... One of the reasons I rely on my neighbor is because my mom wants her FREEDOM and since she still is lucid and in control of her thoughts (most of the time)I have to honor that even if it may put her at risk. I don't like it and I am doing the best I can to make sure she is safe. Sorry though, I should have found a better word.

The only thing holding, those afflicted, is the horrible health and mental issues they are having.
WE HAVE CHOICES, SOME NOT AS GOOD AS WE WOULD LIKE, BUT THEY EXIST.
I can just imagine what those with the problems are feeling.They are living a hell that only they understand or not understand.

AnnaS.Over the years of caregiving I have experienced those who will let you down.
They promise but fail to deliver.
I cannot begin to say how many times I have been hurt buy their failures and become so dam angry.
I had a friend who promised to come stay with my mother and aunt when I took hubby to the doctors.She never showed up.Her reason was she forgot.How the hell do you forget something so important to someone.
My thought was , good thing I do not forget all the times you asked me to check in on your dogs, or feed them etc.
I never said any thing but it opened my eyes to a flaw in her character.
I very seldom asked this person to do a favor again.
Even with professional aides I had some problems.With them I could assert my authority and say do not let the door hit you on the way out.
It is so hard when you need and depend on someone to assist you.Many times they can be given a second chance and work out fine.
But the affects of their being absent from duty can have serious consequences.
I just have come to understand some people are dependable and some are not.
Their problem and my way of dealing with it is not to depend on them for anything.
You let me down once , maybe twice , but that is it.
Too many talk the talk but fail to walk the walk.
These very people claim to be so dependable and have all the answers for you but unable to apply them to them selves.
All it takes is one time and damage that can be irreversible is done.
When you have help that is so dependable it is difficult to settle for less.
I have heard somereal horror a stories from those who thought their helper was dependable.
We just live in a socirty where their are people who are character challenged.
Everyone here tries to inform others because of their experiences.They are not attacking the messenger.They are upset because of a failure of anothers actions, knowing what may have happened.

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The people who care for individuals in need are NOT the ones holding our LOs captive! In many cases, it's more the other way around!

Preach it mama! Im still tryin ta git a dang day off or a vacation for that matter...
Man we oughtta give out medals of valor here Im tellin ya or a pay raise! naaa dont need no steenkin pay need the vacation more

quote:

WARDEN

I wish you had used another term... I think you meant caregiver or sitter... 'cause if we're gonna talk "warden," as in jailer, let's remember real quickly that it is DISEASE that places our loved ones in need of supervision or surveillance. The people who care for individuals in need are NOT the ones holding our LOs captive! In many cases, it's more the other way around!

Don't feel like the Lone Ranger when it comes to feeling exasperated by comments people make - I feel ya.

Anna I am truly happy everything worked out for you an your mom but Im also gonna ditto all of what Melissa said here sweetie there was just way too many red flags and still is for me personally but if your ok with this woman and her quality of care after all this is your mother, shes what matters most here right

So we get a lil pissy with the CG's that are hired to do a job Hell I do this job an I still rant at CG's in our employ if they do somethin outta line...an honey Iv heard an seen some whoppers! Im still rantin at a cg who stated to me "You cant choke on water!" Pfffftt!
Uh yeah.....I got nothin for her but a look that coulda kilt her where she was standin
If your still angry at what someone said or what you thought they meant think about this Anna, I do when I question the intent of a post....
This isnt about my feelings this is about my LO and her quality of care Im just the facilitator of that care so its my job to get the best possible care I can afford her and if a disinterested 3rd party chimes in and balks *and thats assuming the story told is the whole story* then they are seeing something Im not. Been there a time or 2 and glad I got the lil butt kickin cause someone *MIL* is real happy because of it.

Hi Anna.

I hadn't seen this thread before and so read it from the beginning. When I reached the part about your Mom being on the floor for three hours, the neighbor not always showing up, etc. - warning bells started going off in my head. From what I read in the posts after that, others had the same reaction.

It is so difficult to find good, responsible, compassionate care. People lie, steal, dont' show up, show up and dont' do a durn thing - the list goes on - and so many of us have been through this way too many times that we see problems like you were having as a major red flag that even worse trouble is brewing.

Please believe me that this is one of the kindest, gentlest forums I"ve ever seen. I know that the Internet can be a jungle, and it can be very difficult to know just what someone means when you only have words without faces or voices to go on, but I swear to you that their was no malice intended towards you. Everyone here knows that being a caregiver is a job you learn by doing - and sometimes it's learned when scary things happen. And everyone knows that hired caregivers sometimes dont' do what we expect or need and that can cause serious problems for our loved ones, and it makes us want to scream "Watch out!" because we know that fear - when things go wrong.

I gotta tell you - from my own bad experiences I was rather amazed to read that you were able to work things out so well with your neighbor, but I"m also thrilled for you and I sincerely hope all continues well. The home surveillance system sounds like a great idea,too,and I'm sure it gives you a lot of peace of mind.

I hope you keep posting - to share your experience, share what you've learned, look for advice when you're stumped, and - on those days when you have had it up to HERE with everything - to blow off some steam. If you check around the Casual Corner and We laugh to survive, you might even find yourself grinning by the time you log off.

Take care, and best wishes to you as you continue your caregiving journey.

AnnaS, glad things are working out for now. I have seen plenty of examples of "extended family" environments doing wonders. I have seen elders who were becoming very inwardly focused truely blossom when they watch a baby play. ( unfortunately I have seen jealousy and neglect result as well. )

So glad for all of you that this is working out for now. Good to hear from you .

I was so exasperated after reading these comments and so filled with doubt and uncertainty that I had to wait until I worked everything out before posting a follow up.

Now I am pleased to report that my neighbor has been doing a great job and much more, she has become a friend, not only to me but also to my mother. My mother goes to day care three times a day leaving only two days that my neighbor watches her. This way, we are not taking too much of her time, which I think works out best for everybody. My neighbor checks on my mom three times during the day and helps her with lunch. She always calls me to let me know after each visit that everything is OK. If she does forget to call me, which I perfectly understand, I call her. The other great thing was that I purchased a little home surveillance system that lets me check on my mom while at work. This is really wonderful and I recommend it for those that have LO that need some supervision but maybe don’t need a WARDEN. I also took Bobcat’s advise (THANK YOU) and purchased a playard for the baby. That made such a difference for everybody concerned. What’s really great is that my neighbor includes us with their family, she brings her older son over so my mom gets like a visit and its really nice.


I have found that real support is hard to come by and there are many on this forum who lament the lack of that very support from both family and friends. I know I am very lucky to have such a kind person who is willing to lend a helping hand and to also be part of our lives at this most difficult time.

Anna I think you know sometimes you get what you pay for and in this case Im pissed.
That lady who you feel sorry for left your mother alone long enough for her to fall and lay on a floor for 3 hours.
I have this all consuming fear of anyone with your mothers disabilities to be left for any amount of time because I know what kind of trouble happens.
This is my question for you.
Your mom is under your care who do you think will get charged with neglect?
Honey I know you want whats best for your mother but what if this turns around on you?
You can not afford any trouble on your watch.
Give this girl her walking papers shes done quite enough not to mention a baby that needs her attention *god help that child!* and you have been generous to say the least cause sweetie if I was standin in your shoes someone was gonna get chewed up one side an down the other for leavin my mom alone that long on a hard cold floor I dont give a rats butt how much I paid them.
You state she didnt get your voice mail till 2 and thats all you ever get??? She wanted the job back you explained to her the situation she accepted it and knew the schedule from before. Shes calling you stating there are paramedics at your house meaning to me shes watching this scene not a participant?
2 things come to mind for me here liar and Bye bye....for her of course
She was not doing what you wanted/paid her to do and thats check on your mom otherwise she would have found your mom herself.
Am I misreading something here?
Please clarify if I am.
Id fire her simple as that.
Your mom is much safer in daycare and this woman was WAY overpaid for the *cough* work she did.

Anna, I understand your dilemma, but lighting into Dochka for stating the obvious isn't gonna help. If you can afford to keep your Mom in adult day care, I think that would be a great thing for her for the socialization. Check with your local Council on Aging for a list of sitters in your area (be sure to check references).

Many times, it's situations like this that show us that we need to make some changes to assure that our LOs have the care that they need. A woman with a new baby isn't going to have her mind on her "job," as you found out. I'm glad your mom called 911, but as I'm sure you know, things could have been much worse...

Your neighbor sounds helpful, but doesn't realize the level of reliability and care that is required for an impaired adult. I hope that you can find someone with experience who will stay with your mom instead of simply checking on her... sounds like she is at the point where it isn't safe to leave her for more than a few minutes at a time. Best wishes in finding a good caregiver.

quote:

If you are going to be critical, you can do so in an informative manner, helping the person understand what it is they are doing wrong.

Dear Anna,
You are right. I am very sorry. I did not properly express my concern. I hope you will accept my apology.

Annas, I do not believe Dochka meant any harm.I think she was feeling the flustration you felt when you learned of moms being on the floor for so long and how this puts you in a dificult place.
She knows how difficult this situation is and feels all you feel.

Dochka:

I found your remarks very offensive. You of all people should know that people come to this forum looking for guidance and a bit of understanding. If you are going to be critical, you can do so in an informative manner, helping the person understand what it is they are doing wrong. I must say that I am very disappointed but I can bet you are the kind of person who doesn’t care. I would like to thank all the others who were very nice and helpful; I appreciate all the wisdom you shared with me.

Sorry if this pi$$e$ you off- but it sounds like your mother needs all day supervision now and this neighbor is not cuttin' it! I say this because I worry for your mom's safety.
Sheez, laying on the floor for 3 hours?
Sounds like you need a new plan, darlin'!
Don't be mad at yourself, it might have just been a wake up call so you can come up with a new idea for this situation.