I don't know if the "anger wall" is the right place for this... I don't know if there is a right place. But I am wondering if anyone shares my feelings on this issue:
From time to time, I am absolutely paralyzed with fear that I will get dementia like my Mother. She has early onset Lewy Body Disease which began about age 50 (I'm 44...do I only have 6 years of "normal" left?) At 67 she is in the severe stage in a nursing home. I sit and analyze every "symptom" I may have. If I forget a name or a word I'm trying to say it isn't normal "brain burp" but looming dementia. I compare my health history to hers and think, "We both had similar menstrual histories, hysterectomies at about the same age, we both had depression, we both had....". It doesn't matter if it makes sense or not, it feels like it all might matter... or might not. I don't want to live my life in fear and I try to put it in perspective, live for today...all that good advice. Most of the time I have it in the back of my mind and I am going forward, but sometimes it overwhelms me and I am so scared I can barely think of anything else. And then I feel guilty because I feel selfish worrying about what I MIGHT get when she is suffering from it NOW. Sometimes the fear keeps me from visiting her. Sometimes it keeps me from reading this site or books on the subject because I am afraid of what I may read. I wrote my teen daughters a letter and hid it in our safe "just in case" I get dementia telling them how I feel about them, how I want to be cared for and how I don't want them to give over their lives to me if I become ill. But the main, all encompasing feeling is fear like no other. Lately I have had heart palpatations and I haven't told anyone how bad it is or how often I get it because I am terrified to go to the Dr. It's probably just stress anyway. Does anyone else feel like this? What can I do to feel more at peace?

Dear Hanna,
Join the crowd, I have fears of developing AD like my mom,too. I think this is a normal reaction when faced with a parent who has a devastating illness.

OK, here goes my logic:
-Since you have 2 parents,you have a 50-50 chance. Those are better odds than you think.
-Wasting today to worry about tommorrow is foolish, even though we all do it.
-We are all going to die. There's no other way.
-Dying a painful death is worse than losing your ability to think.
-Our friends and family will be happier knowing how we feel about illness and death as we age because it will happen.

I'm proud that you wrote those letters.
That's a HUGE step to facing the "Monster" that scares us all!

I know some people do not believe in it, but I am a true believer in anti-anxiety and anti-depressant meds. I feel that my life was saved by them! Ask your doctor.

Lastly, at 52, I've come to this philosophy.
"It is, what it is" This keeps me focused on the present moment that I am living. This gives me peace, dealing with the here and now, which can be quite a lot instead of "borrowing" trouble from the past or future.

Thanks for opening up to us, it took guts and I hope those on this forum can help you in your journey for peace. I wish it for you!

Oh boy do I KNOW this feeling!!! When my mom's condition became apparent, I went through a LOT - wondering, "is THIS what I have to look forward to?" As the years have gone by and her condition has deteriorated, I have some to a certain "peace" with my fears. We ALL have a fate. We, god willing, will all grow old and stuff will wear out. That is normal attrition. Of all the things I have enjoyed about this life, I would have to say what has brought me the MOST enjoyment and fulfillment in life is my mind. I was blessed! The idea of losing that is terrifying to me (as it is to many people) whether it's by accident or disease. What I have seen with my mom is that most of the time (more than when she was able!) she is content, blissfully unaware of her condition. This is a comfort to me not only for her, but for myself. If I am seeing my own fate in her situation, I can see that I will not suffer unduly; that the reduction of my intellect will shield me from the anxiety and suffering. There are other diseases that frighten me more than these - ALS is one of them! Now THERE, the person's mind remains intact as it is slowly trapped inside a body that becomes non-functional - a horror beyond my imagination.

Because my father was a physician, I have always known more about diseases and maladies than the average person. I have had so many "close encounters" with terminal, crippling diseases each time my foot takes a misstep or I wander into a room and forget why I went there!! In my imagination, I have had symptoms of nearly every fatal disease known to medical science! As I have gotten older, I try to remember Occam's razor (a 14th century philosopher's principle): the generalization states that, if there are a number of explanations for observed phenomena, the simplest explanation is preferred. In other words, the simplest explanation for an observed phenomenon is the most likely. So it's application means that even though my headache COULD mean brain cancer, chances are it's a simple headache. A sharp mind can be a blessing and a curse.

I also try to draw wisdom from the animals which have graced my life. They live each day to the fullest of their ability. They don't sit and brood about the time they got lost and starved for several days - they delight in the bowl of dog chow in front of them. They don't eat it regretfully remembering the time they snatched an entire pan of lasagna off the counter! If their hips hurt as they age, the get up more slowly and stretch more fully before hurling themselves off the front steps to take a morning run. They enjoy each moment as it unfolds!

I accept my own humanity. I try to begin each day by centering myself and opening myself to all the goodness I can absorb and attract to my life. I know that I will NEVER get through the list of experiences and deeds I would like to accomplish. I still aim for the stars, but I realize that I will probably only get to the moon. That knowledge doesn't keep me from reaching, but it helps me to keep from dispairing and spoiling the time I am given today.

About the palpitations... I have those too. Although no one can be SURE they are "nothing" without major testing, etc., before doing so, I apply relaxation techniques, massage, visualization, etc. to see if the symptoms diminish or vanish when I apply good stress management and coping techniques. So far, it appears that I am not a budding heart patient, just a woman with the symptoms of stress she is trying to ignore.

So my advice to you, m'friend, is to put into action the best care techniques for humans. Get enough rest. Make stress management priority one. Exercise, employ relaxation techniques, BREATHE with conscious purpose to blow out the bad and drink in the good. Celebrate every day you are given as if it were your last. Eat to fuel your body and bless each bite of nutrition that sustains you. Laugh every chance you get. Burn the words of the serenity prayer into your brain:
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

You are NOT alone!