I may not know how to use this site, but I really need some help with this. My mother does not have any mental impairment, she's just a mean control freak. She's 92 and has not dated or been with a man since my father died when she was 63. 30 years without a man and now she thinks I don't need one either. Truthfully, she never liked any of my boyfriends, husbands (married twice), and just doesn't seem to have any use for men. As a result I have to do all the things that a man would do for her. I am sick of being my mother's husband. I am a woman, not a man. I should not have to be doing so much physical labor that I need to lift weights to be strong enough. I guess this sounds really whiny, but when I try to tell her she just acts like I'm speaking some kind of foreign language. How can I get her to understand that I don't want to be a man-hater like she is?

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When I buy something that is partial assembly required, I hide it until I know he'll be gone long enough for me to do it. If he sees it, he will jump in to "help", and that means I stand in attendence the whole time to hand him tools while he sweats and swears, refusing to look at the directions and ends up forcing things to fit.

ROTFLMAO!!! A very good friend of mine and I were just making this exact same observation today!! It must be universal...or very nearly

MB, I really do have to chuckle abit about the "men's work" theory. A lot of what Some might consider men's work, I do consider my work, because I want it done, so, it's my work to do. When I buy something that is partial assembly required, I hide it until I know he'll be gone long enough for me to do it. If he sees it, he will jump in to "help", and that means I stand in attendence the whole time to hand him tools while he sweats and swears, refusing to look at the directions and ends up forcing things to fit. It takes 2 people twice as long to do the job badly. And always there are a couple of left over parts

Then I am supposed to be grateful

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Bobcat,

Thank god we have the tools to be able to work through bagge from our child hood.People did not always feel free to share and work through such.They did not have the verbal skills present today.It was seen as disrepectful to kindly disagree with an elder.All family business was kept hidden in the home.
My mother was a good example of this.She has so much emotional pain stored inside.Was not compfortable sharing with family.Many would not have understood as so many of her generation saw things as blk or white.
When she began to show real signs of depression, all of her fears and pain came to surface.All that she portrayed on the out side was many time a mask.Because she felt so obligated to her mother and otheras she took no steps to make her self the life she wanted and deserved.She lost her self confidence in her choices.She was co dependent in the worst way.
As I have seen this and applied her life to where I am I have learned so much.I did not want to be the good person that everyone took advantage of.I have learned to speak up when I see something wrong or something not please me.
I allow some times to be just about me.Soething we all need to learn.

Everyone has given such good responses.
I came up knowing if I wanted something to get done I had better learn to do it.I have had to have responsibilty since a very young girl.That is the best medicine I could have been given.I do believe all children need to be respectful of the space they have in the home.
In our home if you did not pick up after your self I was asked if my legs or arms were broken.Because of this learning to challenge my self I have over come so many obstacles.I have done most things a man does.I know hard labor.If we never do all things how do we challenge our selves.
AS FOR HAVING A MALE COMPANION, THAT IS YOUR CHOICE TO MAKE.mANY TIMES ONES EXPERIENCE HAS BEEN SO BAD THAT THEY JUDGE ALL BUT THEIR NEGATIVE.Many times the victim mentality becomes their way of thinking and life.Does not prove to have a happy ending.
Remember, you are the adult, you have children .You make these decisions based on what you know and feel,
The only thing I do agree is her stand on the children.That shows respect, responsibilty which will teach them what the school books will not

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They have always been expected to keep their area of the house and to take care of their own meals and laundry, but not the common areas as I handle that due to my desire to shield them from my mother's overly high housekeeping standards.

Belated welcome to you Try2! You are a wise woman to see the love that tempers the anger and rights us when stress turns us upside down.

I have always done "men's" work... whether there was a man around or not. I think it comes from being the daughter of a Navy officer who was gone far more than he was around! If something needed doing, it couldn't wait for Daddy to come home on leave! Later on, as a young woman, I wanted things and I couldn't be bothered trying to con some guy into doing things for me and I couldn't afford to hire the work done, sooooo... I discovered that I could swing a hammer, use power tools, hang sheetrock, paint, mow, weedwhack and even take out the garbage with the best of 'em! Although I am not as strong as most men, I learned how to compensate, ie. "walking" a heavy piece of furniture across the floor instead of trying to lift it; or using my legs to push something heavy that I could not lift or pull. I am not into hurting myself, so learning how to get around little inconveniences like inadequate muscles was a challenge. Being dependent is not my cuppa tea and waiting for a man to arrive on the scene is simply out of the question 99% of the time. Many times my husband has arrived home to find a "done thing" and told me I should have waited until he was there to help me. Uh, huh. And then, it wouldn't be a "done thing" now would it? I can do nearly anything I choose to attempt... I may have to figure out ways around certain obstacles, but that's okay... Like I said, I have never hurt myself working because I DO think things through and work around my limitations instead of trying to muscle my way through everything. It may take me longer, it may take more steps, it may take more forethought, but I get there just fine. Best of all, I have a powerful sense of accomplishment when I complete tasks that others would not have attempted.

Just my opinion, but I think you may be doing your daughters a disservice by shieldig them from your mom's high standards. These days, people don't even KNOW high standards! If something is dirty, EEEEOOOOOOOO!! Throw it out! No one bothers to do detail work, then when things start lookin' ratty, they are discarded when all they NEED is CLEANING carefully! I came up in the day of polishing silver, dusting every nook and cranny and cleaning or washing EVERYTHING! My mom was an immaculate housekeeper who, sadly, found it easier to do things herself than try to force me or my sister into doing the jobs. So my housekeeping will never rival hers, but it's not that I wasn't taught! Stoves come to mind. Every surface, crevice, etc. of a stove is disassemblable and cleanable, but most folks just wipe the surface and call it good. Then the crud builds up until it takes a chisel to remove it! Best to do the job right the first time and take CARE of things! Not only is that the way we have nice items to hand down to our kids and grands, it keeps our landfills from filling up with perfectly good stuff that no one wanted to bother to clean or fix.

The childhood baggage we carry affects us all and shapes our lives for good or for bad. Mom always said, "if you don't know what to do, don't sit around and wring your hands, get busy! Do something, even if it's wrong!" About disputes, she always told me there were three sides to every issue - my side, your side and the "right" side. There is wisdom in what your dad said, however moralistically his statement sounded. Our society today tends to whine an awful lot! We whine about lines at the grocery store, being stuck in traffic, not enough hours in the day, etc. MAN!! People used to deal with issues that meant life or death, sometimes quite literally. If you didn't can the food when it was fresh, you had nothing to eat during the winter! The concept of "I don't feel like doing that today" wasn't an option!

One of my personal favorites of mom's was "all things come to he who waits... and he who worketh like helleth while he waiteth!"

How many times she told me to "pull myself up by the bootstraps" when I was languishing in emotional agony about some simpering thing... Those axioms sounded awful insensitive at the time, but after a half-century and some, those are the truisms of life. Yep, it's real sad that I have problems, but nothing is getting resolved by wailing, gnashing teeth and wringing hands. I learned th heard way that the help I needed most was right at the end of my arms - my OWN two hands and effort! If I won't work tirelessly for something, who else will?

We all have this tendency to be "daughter" to our "mothers" - we automatically step back to second place; but at some point, we have to run things and sometimes the transition causes fireworks! You are an adult woman. If you do not want to mow the lawn, you know how to find someone who will! To allow Mom's tastes and ways to become my own would be abdicating my responsibility to myself. My mom never remarried or dated after my dad died in her late 40s. She loved him completely and that was her public story, but the private story was that she had had enough of being under his thumb and didn't want to sacrifice her independence for companionship. I respect her decision and feelings, although I do not share them. I doubt I would remarry if something happened with my husband, but I have lived long enough to "never say never"!! Ya never know what you would do exactly until you get there!

If you want to date, it's none of Mom's business and it's high time you made that plain. If you wanna go out dancin' on ladies' night, so long as you are not driving drunk or imperiling yourself in some way, hey - have fun!! If you want to go out to dinner with a nice lookin' fella, tell Mom to heat up a microwave dinner or bring her a to-go dinner later on!

Older folks become more plain-spoken as they age. Some mellow and become more circumspect; others become more pointed and caustic in their remarks. Whatever. Your responsibility is FIRST to yourself, then to your children and last to your parent. Opinions ARE like waste orifices - everyone's got 'em! If your mom doesn't "get it" and frets over how you are behaving, quietly tell her that you are following her example. She is a strong-willed, independent woman and you have grown to be the same.

I think of eldercare as the last step in growing up. This is the time when everything comes full circle. Just like you had to dress your kids while they were screaming, "NOOOOOOOOO!" and curling their little toes to prevent them from fitting into the socks and shoes, so you have to dispassionately go about your business of being a grown woman. Sure, she can kick and scream the whole way, but that won't change the outcome. You are her maternal heir. The first step in assuming the throne is to quietly take the reins despite her protests. I don't BLAME her for not wanting to give it up - at her age, she's not just giving up the spot as head of the family, the Big Kahuna, she is facing losing ALL of her independence and becoming dependent upon others for all of her needs. That's gotta be a KILLER to face! Like taking someone's car keys when they can no longer drive safely... what a BLOW that is to folks! Some people go quietly into the night, but it doesn't sound like your mom is made from that bolt of fabric - she's gonna go out kickin' and screamin' all the way! Now it WILL make for some tempestuous times, but if you stand back and look at the long view, how could she be any other way? At some point, as her abilities decline, there may come a time when she surrenders to you, when she compliments you and tells you, "Okay. Take the helm," but don't count on it! She may even tell you she is proud of you someday, that you have grown into a great woman, but waiting for that validation may be a lot like waiting for Godot... Learn to pat yourself on the back when she's on your case and you DON'T duct tape her to her chair with two extra strips across her mouth! In some cases, this is a HIGH achievement and not to be denigrated!!

With her at age 92, it's a little late to start "setting boundaries"... I suspect in your case, there will have to be a coup! Just quietly stick to your guns. Sometimes, it helps to look at her and tell her, "Mom, I am a grown woman now and you are not always going to be here to tell me what to do. I have to learn to run things on my own. I am glad you are still here to give me counsel when I am unsure and ask for your advice, but I have to stand up now - nothing personal."

Good luck, dear! BTW, on the "Man" front... is there somebody you have had your eye on? Hmmmm? Might be time to ask a nice gentleman out for lunch...

Yes, the anger wall is about love, and all the frustration that comes with it, while we try to do, and protect, and survive intact, 'cause this stuff ain't easy, and there is always another shoe waiting to drop, and......

I guess you noticed that, She reminds me, then I remind her, then we remind him....we are just one human body trying to move mountains, hold back the clock and other super huma tasks. We must stop everynow and then to breathe and remember who WE are seperate from what we are trying to do.

We are all at risk for becoming the "job", and when the "job" is over, what is left of us. We aren't "failures" when we aren't SuperMan or WonderWoman. Beating ourselves up is not useful.

Yes, I think most of us still have something to work out from our childhoods, I know I do. Daddy was one of those who said things like,"If things aren't working out for you, you either aren't working hard enough or aren't living righteous enough," I find that echoing all around me all the time, I used to think that every thing was my fault from tsunamis to starving children in the Sudan. Slowly I'm realizing that my shoulders just aren't wide enough for that kind of load.

This is a great place to benifit from each other's experience an all are stronger together,. You'll help us be stronger too.

Thank you, thank you for helping me to feel more confident in doing what is right for me without guilt. Before I posted, I spent a lot of time reading other's posts. Some of the things that have been said in this forum are more insightful than any therapist or self-help book could ever be. The one underlying theme of this "anger wall" is love--love for ourselves, and love of the person that we care for. What's love doing on an anger wall? Soaking up all the anger and resentment that we throw at it, and then releasing us from its debilitating clutches.

In answer to your question, she is balance impaired and hard of hearing, diabetic (no insulin), has congestive heart failure, and all of the other attendant inconveniences that come with old age. I have learned to let her do as much as she can without overtaxing her. Actually, all of her energy is now being channelled into administrative functions, so she is trying to run everyone in the household. I have two daughters that live with me. They have always been expected to keep their area of the house and to take care of their own meals and laundry, but not the common areas as I handle that due to my desire to shield them from my mother's overly high housekeeping standards. We recently lost our long-time lawn person, and I ended up having to do it including renting and toting a lawn mower.

As you are probably beginning to guess, I am still working through a lot of stuff from my childhood (like everybody else). I have days when things don't bother me, and days when they do. But it really helped to see my mother as being afraid of getting dumped. And, I do have the right to have a man even if she doesn't want one. After all, that's her decision to make, isn't it? I'm trying to hope that I learn how to set boundaries in love, so that her comments and viewpoints roll off my back, too.

Bobcat, Bunnys grl, great anwers for this situation

Welcome in try2hope, My own Mom is 92, but her experience with men is very different. Dad lasted until 5 years ago. But was severely ill for 2 years before that.
Does she "hate men" because she was left behind? Most of us need a partner to get through life, 'cause it is tough.

Does she think she is making you independent of needing a partner? or is she making YOU her prtner.?

Actually the answer is not relevant to me. But , maybe in her mind, she got dumped. What do YOU think is happening here. Protective or Possessive. Just plain scared to be dumped again? This time by you, if a MAN gets in the way???

Yes, hire out the jobs you feel are beyond you. But we have no clue if you (she) can afford this, (Still I have to say, that if you feel you can't do it right, it is often cheaper to hire the know-how guy).

Honey, she sounds bitter, about being left behind, That is not a good legacy, bitterness, to pass on to you. You do have to choose. If you have options, consider them from you point of view, not hers. Some things don't have to be explained to her or accepted by her. But she needs to know she won't be dumped again. That, I fear, is what scares her so badly.

Try2hope welcome in you are doing just fine dont worry about a thing sweetie

Now your mom....92 huh? what exactly is her health issue that has you doing all this manual labor if you dont mind us asking?
Seriously though I grew up with a woman who always thought, "if you want something done right do it yourself"
Now Gran always made sure she was never discriminatory
in her...ok rants lol "Man" was at the top of her list though along with lazy no good so an so's that wouldnt get up off their fannies to help with chores.
The thing here is though you just have to let these comments slide cause at this point shes pretty much earned the right to think how she wants but on the flip side so have you...If you want a man that is your prerogative and you shouldnt let what she says sway you from what makes you happy.
If you can not handle a job hire it out call your man over to help even if thats what it takes just as long as their respectful of moms ways and comments...kinda like "water off a ducks back"
We all have a cross to bear in this life, how we choose to handle it is entirely up to us, we may not always agree on issues and thats just fine thats what makes us unique and loyal unto ourselves and our individual values, things that make us happy.