My Papa is old and sick. He has MS, COPD and now on top of it all - the final straw - AD. It is cruel. My sister was my best friend and she walked right out of my life and Papa's life - I dream about yelling at her - it is hard too sleep - I think that she has hurt me more than my Papa's illnesses have. This burden is heavy - too heavy!

I have been reading the Anger Wall and could have written many of the entries myself. My father is in a nursing home with AD. He can't walk, talk, or eat by himself. He is incontenent. Sometimes I think he knows me, but I am never sure. I have cried until I have no more tears. I never knew before this disease that pain could run so deep. Now, my mother is following along the same path. She has the early symptoms and is living in an assisted living retirement home. She doesn't want to be where Dad is because she is afraid he will think she has come there to take care of him. Two parents....Two differnt places....Two different stages....And me. Everytime I feel like screaming and start getting that "poor me" feeling, then I feel so quilty. Everytime I wonder how long this can last, I feel quilty for not being happy they are at least both alive. Friends who have had parents die say that I should happy just to have them anyway I can. I say, there are things worse than death.

I sometimes think when my mom dies what I will do.Where I will go Then I think I probably would't do much more than now.But if I could I would nice to know it will be that way someday.

For the person who is worried about the all sweets diet her mother wants. Think outside the square - not scrambled eggs but egg custard, not meat but jelly (gelatine is meat protein and sugar and flavouring makes it sweet and colourful)eggnogs instead of milkshakes - unless you really want her to starve to death in which case it will go a lot quicker if you cut back the fluids and induce kidney failure, uncomfortable but pretty quick.... its so tempting isn't it......

For the person who is worried about their mother only liking sweet stuff - keep it balanced by including jelly (pure protein really with sweet flavouring which is why hospitals always include it in menus) and make egg custard (which when you think about it is really only scrambled eggs with sugar and nutmeg) - unless you really meant it about the starving to death bit - in which case go for fatfree or fat reduced icecreams and yoghurts etc which will help speed the process up and if you cut back on the liquids you can probably induce kidney failure fairly quickly too. Oh God - its such a temptation - they never remember whether they have eated or drunk anything all day anyway......

my stepdad just died on may 6th of congestive heart failure. he an my mom had been married for 34 years. my mom was diagnosed with alzheimer's in december 1999. my dad had been sick for 2 years and when he first got sick was when we began to notice changes in my mom. we believe the fear of losing my father did something to her mentally and maybe it's not alzheimer's. are we crazy to hope this. they loved each other so much. the last thing my dad said to me was to take care of mama. i know the stress of their illnesses took it's toll on both of them. my mom seems to be doing well, but sometimes she talks like my dad is still here. i'm sad and mad because i miss my dad because he's gone, but i know i have to be strong for my mom because who knows what lies ahead.

MEN ARE SELF RIGHIOUS ASSHOLESSSSSS LIKEEE JONNNNNN

Anger doesn't even begin to describe my feelings. For two and a half years I have cared for my grandfather with absolutely no support from my family. Instead I've been isolated and condemned for the way I've handled his affairs. Truth be known...they have no idea what I've given up. Last year, I discovered I was pregnant (would have been my first). The joy I should have felt was replaced with dread because I knew of the choice I had to make. In the end, I sacrificed my dreams of having a family to keep my grandfather in his own environment. I feel tremendous guilt and anger over having to make that choice. This Mothers Day would have been my first...instead I spent it agonizing over what would have been. I don't blame him but everytime I look at him, I remember what I was forced to do.

She gagged on the breakfast I made for her; fortunately she did not lose the meds she had taken. She can keep down soft foods - applesauce, yogurt, icecream. She likes sweets. But she does not like scrambled eggs so they are wasted. Should know that by now but I keep trying to think within the lines and that does not work. A balanced diet is out of the question. Fruits cooked or soft, and anything sweet are all she wants so why am I hitting my head against a wall trying to see that she eats a balanced diet? How long does it take for someone to starve eating icecream and yogurt and bananas?? TOO LONG.

Another site where a lot of caring and sharing occurred has been shut down. Planetrx broke their word and closed the old AZ community; it was the first place I found when I became a 24/7 caregiver. I am angry at the lies from that company; just seems one more straw to bear on this camel's back. Angry doesn't really cover it. It means the loss of 'net friends who shared the same boat(however leaky)that this damn disease forces us to row. As the sole caregiver I am alone (the AZ patient is here but not here - you know what I mean)most of the day. There is noone in my immediate family who cares enough to volunteer to give me a day off; when I ask they will respond grudgingly(which I take 'cause it is better than nothing)but they do respond. I am thankful for that. I need someone who is in the same boat to talk to each day. It feels like Mt. St. Helens inside sometimes but I can't take it out on my family; they do the best they can. Don't we all? And still the anger is there - waiting for a target. (PS: please don't cut me off in traffic, push in front of me at the market or call me to tell me how much I need aluminum siding. YOU could be the next target!)

I am 36, I am the sole caregiver for my Dad who is 78. He has NO short term memory. He is actually quite high functioning. He lives alone, I live 2 miles away. I go there every morning before work and give him his meds etc and then he goes to an Alzheimers Day Care 4 out of 5 weekdays. On Tuesdays, Saturdays and Sundays he gets really lonely and if I leave him for more than 2 hours he calls my house over and over. I just kind of yelled at him on the phone. I feel really bad. He responded by saying "O.K. honey, have a nice day" I count my blessings, my Dad has this disease but he remains happy, kind, sweet. Everyone loves him who knows him but noone else deals with him like I do. It is starting to get to me, is it terrible that sometimes I hope he dies in his sleep? A nice peaceful death before this ugly disease progresses. Is that selfish? thealy@mediaone.net

i work at a nursing home. i am an activity assistant on the alzheimers unit. i have been there for 6months. i have never known anyone with the disease. now i can't stop wanting to get information on this terrible disease. it brakes my heart to see so many residents there who don't have anybody go see them. i truly admire friends and family who go see their loved ones. i am humbled more each day that i see this disease devour families. i know it must be hard to see a loved one suffer, and you suffer so much also. i am honored to be a servant to alzheimer patients. please know that there are so many caregivers out there that have deep compassion for families and patients. at my facility the nurses, cnas, admin. even the housekeepers all incredibly supportive and loving--its truly incredible to see them work with continuous high moral and deep love for our second family. i strive to come up with activities that residents can do, it is important to me to help maintain a quality filled life for them. with lack of funds in our facility i am the only act. assistant on the unit when there should be 3. i am in charge of carrying out programs daily for l5-22 ad patients. yes i get stressed at times, but mostly because i desperatly want everyone to be able to get stimulation of some sort but its hard to meet everyones need when it is only me. but i just rely on the Lord to help me to put them always ahead of myself. i have a heart for ad sweeties, just wanted you all to know--you are thought of and loved. tupelohoney67@hotmail.com

i work at a nursing home. i am an activity assistant on the alzheimers unit. i have been there for 6months. i have never known anyone with the disease. now i can't stop wanting to get information on this terrible disease. it brakes my heart to see so many residents there who don't have anybody go see them. i truly admire friends and family who go see their loved ones. i am humbled more each day that i see this disease devour families. i know it must be hard to see a loved one suffe

Paris may 17th, 2000 It sure is a very stupid man who is writing. Here I am a very trained professional, just ask me if there is anything I do not know ? No sir, I know all the answers and I have known them for quite some time.My track record was good, I am proud of it, I took care of my mother, took care of all the things that had to be done to get her well protected in the Nursing Home.I behaved well, I treated people with respect (what kind of nonsense is that says my wife ?)I helped others.And now I know nothing, inside me I harbour a mad dog fight, I would not know if the moon is made of cheddar (how may "d?") or swiss cream cheese.How can I know so much and it is totally without any value, it does not help me.I know why I am a wreckI know what I should doI know why I don't do itI know everythingAnd it is totally without any valueI cannot even claim that my situation is difficult, in fact it is rather OK.But seing alzheimer, I do not want any longer to share the burden of living in such a world.ButIt is true that when I stop cryingI think of you peopleAnd consider that I am lucky to be related to you, a group of very braveand honorable people. How do you do your typing when you cry ?As there is a positive side to anythingcrying when typingis really a good time to clean the screenor is it a good time to clean the scream ?any letter is welcomeI have noticed that things that help meIs you people telling meabout flowers you have plantedthe price of milkthe colour of the sunset or the smogBye ByeThis was Nils crying in Paristaberg40@aol.com

mmmmmmmmmmmmmm

I live in Brisbane, Queensland,Australia and I too came across this page by accident. I was looking for a chat page or somewhere I could talk about my problems with my mother.
I'm 60 years of age and I have been married to a wonderful man for 40 years. The problem is we had a bad business venture and ended up in Bankruptcy. Consequently, when my mother ( a very well preserved 84 yr old ) decided to move to Brisbane, we went to live with her in a very large but neglected home. Since then my life has been very miserable. My husband and I do all the work,pay my mother rent and live under the house .
My mother is not extremely rich but Mum and Dad were very comfortable and she has quite a bit of money left over from the house purchase. I was given to understand that if we gave up our Unit and came to live here, we would have our own self-contained area and our own privacy. I have spent the last six months washing up in a laundry tub and using a table as a bench top because I do not have a kitchen. Mum can afford to pay for one, but she won't get one. At last we have bought a second hand kitchen for $250.00 and it will possibly cost about that amount again the have it installed.
Meanwhile my mother is collecting the full pension and receiving our rent and financially she has never been better off as she has no other expenses than her food and medication each fortnight.
We are have had a very difficult year financially ( only receiving the pension ) as our only daughter has recently married and we paid most of the incidental expenses for Mum and ourselves to move here. I nearlly killed myself packing up her home interstate and helping her to relocate her. Lost a lot of weight and felt dreadful.
Now I have Angina and Coronary Thrombosis and the way Mum treats me ( domineers my life ) and puts me down all the time, apart from the evergrowing list of jobs for us to do, I feel that I have outlived my usefulness. To understand my mother is to realise that she has never brought a birthday present for me or my family; never brought a Christmas present for me or my family and refused to attend the weddings of my three children.
I have looked after her all her life and although 84 years old, she is well dressed, well off fiancially and as always lives and pleases herself exclusively. She has no maternal instinct although she is an expert in every field mentionable, She will work my husband and I to death well before anything happens to her and then she will leave everything to my sister ( who is cut from the same mould )
My mother promised if I gave up my Unit and lived with her she would have written into her Will that we would have a roof over our head for as long as we needed it. This hasn't happened either.
I feel used and abused and very very hurt about the whole thing and I wish I could find some solution to my problem.
If anyone has any suggestions my email address is :-
pedemont@tpg.com.au I'm constantly being told I'm ungrateful, but my husband and I think the shoe is on the other foot.
Thanks for the opportunity to vent my anger, because in spite of all this I don't want anything to happen to her because she has no friends and my sister is only after what she can get out of her. If anything happens to me my mother will have lost her only friend.

Why do such good people have to be put through the hell of diseases like this? I am a 39 year old caregiver of my grandmother. She has parkinson's disease with either altz. or dementia. She was too good to the world to have to suffer this way. Life stinks sometimes.

If human beings could only be more like the animals, I might have a small reason to care about them!

I am angry at myself for not being able to control my anger. I have been working on the problem for so long and just when I think I am making progress, I seem to "lose it." Maybe I am sabbatoging myself--maybe I just can't get well. All I know is that not being able to control my anger is like being in hell and not being able to get out. I am angry at me; will this anger ever end? Sometimes I think that there is just something wrong with my brain--I wish I we I hate this damn disease.It robs people of their lives

http://www.bhic.net/swt/anger.htm

Angry, I can't even begin to find the words. It has been piling up for the past 17 years. Yes that is when my Mother (best friend, gentle human being) was disgnosed with AD. This happened at the same time as I was going through a Divorce, having to return to the workforce and raise 2 children on my own. The word Hell doesn't even begin to describe it.
My father was dead and I an only child. For the past 17 years I have been the only advocate and visitor. Fifteen years ago, she was admitted to a nursing home. Several years later, I was phoned at work and informed that they had lost my Mother and asked if I would come and help find her. My boss (a nurse by training) said NO. I quit. Moved Mom to a safer place (a locked unit this time). The first home provided good support for families, although infuriating communications with staff. The second provided nothing. If I stopped and itimized all the things that have added to my anger, it would take a manual - but I do relate to many of the comments the rest of you have made. Isolation, betrayed by professional caregivers, insensitive remarks by doctors and nurses and friends. A whole change in life. Some of the anger has subsided. I still grieve my Mother bit by bit. Because she was exceptionally healthy the progression of her disease has been very slow. Four years ago she had a series of strokes and became bedridden, lost her facial expression and the ability to move and could only say one word. I was told to plan a funeral. She will be 90 in August. She can't say one word at all now. But she does squeeze my hand when I ask her if she can hear me. I have tried every coping strategy known to man or woman. I am tired, burned out, out of ideas, isolated, and oh yes. ANGRY!!!!!!!!! Oh yes and last summer she got breast cancer. The staff weren't paying attention and assumed that the mark was a biopsy. She had never had one. So then I made the gut wrenching decision not to operate. For God Sake - All you fellow caregivers out there - make sure that you don't get lost in the shuffle. The 36 hour day and first support group I attended indicated that the process on average took 4 years. They lied. PACE YOURSELVES. I am sick of all the body images put on women in the world today!!!!!! It's time to look at the real person. I'm sick of predjudice people!!! I am so angry!!! My life is passing me by and all this is effecting my health. I live alone with my animals and if it wasn't for them, I don't think I could go on!!!!!! I'm hurt and all alone. I hear of people wanting to help and I don't know where they are! I have done all I could for my mom, and to have her lie to me and sell even clothes I bought her, I am hurt!!!!!
To all of you out there, I admire you for your courage, because I am drained and cannot do anymore!!!!!

I hate this damned alzheimer disease!!!Almost 40 yr ago Charlie and I were best friends. He taught me how to hunt and fish. I fit right in his outdoor life style.Slowly we went different ways.I married and moved far away. Hemarried and stayed local.To make a long story short,eventially we both divorced and I came "home".
We started see each other again. He had taken to drinking and I was an enabler.We married bringing lots of baggage ihto the marriage. Several years later we both got our act together,after a series of bad luch and ill health on both of us .I thought we would finally be happy. Well,LO and Behold! He started acting strange,forgetful,demanding ,and very argumentive. I thought he was going thru a change in life or drying out was getting to him.Until,one day a neighbor called to say Charlie was there and needed a ride. He had become lost in an area he was very familiar with. Other things too many to mention caused a trip to the Dr. Then another Dr Then the 3rdone. Alzheimers they say! Well go to HELL in a hand basket.Now what I thought would be our golden years are now more years of more hell!! OH,I'll be with him to the bitter end but wonder what I ever did to deserve all this. Granny

I put my husband in the best nursing home in the city for respite to give me a change to rest from taking care of him 24 hours a day. He is 83 years old with advanced Alzheimers. He decided he did not like it there and tried to come home 3 times but always stayed in the building then recently he managed to get out from the secure unit, went 5 floors down, walked out of the home, walked 10 blocks in heavy downtown trafic, fell and broke his right hip. He will never come home again, he might never walk again. I am MAD, MAD, MAD AS HELL,he was supposed to be safe, and now he lies in a hospital bed more confused then ever and I am absolutely going out of my mind thinking this could have been avoided if only the "best" place in town would have done their job and kept him safe. Have Alzheimer disease is excruciating enough but to suffer a broken hip and surgery at that age and could have been avoided is unacceptable. I am MAD, ANGRY, NO I AM DAMN MAD AS HELL.

You need to learn to separate yourself from unnecessary and resless thought which grow outof self-love. When yur own thoughts are set aside you will be completely in the middle of the straight and narrow path. You will experience the freedom and peace that is meant for you as a child of God.
I try to follow the same advice that I give to others. I know that I must seek peace in the same way. Often, when you suffer, it is the life of your self-nature that causes you pain. When you are dead you do not suffer. If you completely dead to your old nature you woould no longer feel many of the pains that now bother you. Endure the aches and pins of your body with patience. Do the same thing with our spiritual afflictions (that is, trouble sent to you that cannot control). Do not add to the cross in your by becoming so that you have no time to sit quiety before God. Do not resit what God brings into your life. Be willing to suffer if that is what is needed. Overactivity and stubbornness will only increase your anquish. God prepares a cross for you that you must embrace without thought of self-preservation. The cross is painful. Accept the cross and you will find peace even in the middle of utrmoil. Let me warn you that if you push to the cross away, your circumstances will become twice as hard to bear. In the long run, the pain of resisting the cross is harder to live with than the cross itself.
See God's hand in the circumstances of your life. Do you want to experience true happiness? Submit yourself peacefully and simply to the will of God, and bear your sufffereings without struggle. Northing so shortens and soothes your pain as the spirit of non-resistance to your Lord.
As wonderful as this sounds, it stilll may not stop you from bargaining with God. The hardest thing about suffering is not knowing how great it will be or how long it will last. You will be tempted to want to impose some limits to your suffering. No doubt you will want to control the intensity of your pain. Do you see the stubborn and hidden hold you have over your life? This control makes the cross necessary in the first place. Do not reject the full work that the power of the cross could accomplish in you. Unfortunately, you will be forces to go over the same ground again and again. Worse yet, you will suffer much, but your suffering will be for no purpose.
May the Lord deliver you from falling into an inner state in which the cross is not at work in you! God loves a cheerful giver. (II Corinthians 9:7) Imagine how much He must love those who abandon themselves to His will cheerfullly and completelly...even if it results in their crucifixion! "The Seeking Heart" - FENELON

Had a bad "finger" day yesterday evening. Am trying to keep my sense of humor!
Got bit by a squirrel when I took my husband to our church's golf tournament. Picked up my husband's ball as they were playing "best ball" and a little squirrel came up to me. I said, "Hi Cutie" and stuck out my hand.
Well,you guessed it....that da_ned squirrel, bit my thumb! Blood everywhere. Went to the emergency room and they said no known cases of rabies from squirrels and I had a tetanus shot less than 5 years ago....so came home and had a glass of wine. Shouldn't have done that because I say things that I shouldn't and become critical. My husband flies into rages easily with his Alzheimer's and becomes quite abusive. I read the following: 2Cor.4:8
"We are pressed on every side by troubles, but not crushed and broken. We are perplexed because we don't know why things happen as they do, but we don't give up and quit". Paul reminds us that though we may be at the end of our rope, we are never at the of HOPE. Our perishable bodies are subect to sin and suffering, but God never abandons us. Because Christ won victory over death, we have eternal life. All our risks, humiliations, and trials are opportunities to demonstrate Christ's power and presence in us. COME ON GOD, I need YOU NOW!

Don't anyone be alarmed of what I am about to say because I really wouldn't do it. This past month I have been having an image come up in my mind of putting a gun to my head and pulling the trigger. Everytime I get frustrated or upset about something my mom wants or did this image comes to my mind. I want out of this nightmare. I want someone else to do it. I spoke to my sister and she said that I could run away and let the public health people come in and run her life. Well, that's not the answer and my mother would not be able to handle that. Mother will just have to face it that it is time for me to take a stand and handle her afairs. Oh joy. I have to stand up to a woman I feared my entire life. I will do my best. Like I said before, I wouldn't pull the trigger. I value life far too much. TLC

I read with caution and anxiety of the situations that this disease can put us carers through and i find that we are only human and feel the pain and frustration of it all. For me it is a bloody big hurdle.... I have been living defacto for 23 years and my partner is 22 years older than me. We have had a very happy life and i am not coping with the situation of his illness very easily. My anger towards him is so great that i have to walk away when something is said several times in a short space of time. I hate the negativity black hole that he has created in his defence aspects. It is very easy to be sucked in...... I am relatively a strong person, but recently had a situation where i went away and now my family are indicating that i have done the wrong thing i have run away from my mate. shit man they are not the ones living with it every day and dealing with it. They also decided that they would not visit because it may cause conflict, well how can they know what he is like if they do not visit.
I live 3000 miles from my parents and they seem to think that their holiday may be spoiled and a family tiff may occur if they visit. shit they have no idea of the situation and changes in my partner and don't want to believe in my judgement any more. christ who needs a family when they react like this. i keep getting from them that they are supporting me, but im the one who seems to make all the phone calls they do not seem to ring me daily to see how the day went sometimes it is a fortnight apart before i hear from them.

This whole situation has had an enormous impact on myself and my daughter and at 16 yrs of age. My daughter is battling with her school work. I truely want to run away I hate the negative aspects in my life, what life, it is all running around what effect it may have on my partner. As a Librian (star sign) I recently realised why I act the way I do and why I stress out the way that I do, and now it has helped me to cope but I feel so cheated and lost. The work collegues critisise my emotions and tell me that i am so up and down, hell little do they realise that is why my sysmbol is the scales my life when pressured cannot balance and my harmony in me is so disruptive. I hate the lonelyness of this disease the way in which he has distance himself and retreated to his chair and not talked to me as we did before. I hate the non greeting and non responsive communications, yet he looks to me to do everything. It has come back to me from a sister that he can' do anything without me being there. Yet appears not to listen to what is being said to him. I am in the throws of building a house and that is a stress factor in its self. yet he plods along and follows and doesn't realise that he is a hinderance rather than a help. dont get me wrong he can be helpful !
but we argue now like we have never argued in our 23 years together and I hate the attitude and negative of his communicaiton. At the time of writing, my life is possibly still in the early stage of accepting the disease but I know that it is not going to get any easier and I just needed to let off some steam..... ..................
I am sooooo tired of going over the same things over, and over, and over agsin. How can I give up and disregard her worries. I almost look forward to the time when she just won't know anything anymore. Then I won't have to feel so guilty and mean trying to help her. I want her to be as independent as possable but I feel like screeming when I can't expaine things to her so she will understand. Why do I try when I know she will just forget again. This is SOOOO hard. Actually writing this down is helping =) I may do this again. State it and let it go!!!!.

I think my Mom has Alz. My uncle was dignosed Alz about a year ago.She is following the same pattern. I have never gotten along with my Mom, mainly because of the age diffirence. She is 72 and I am 24. My Dad died 20 years ago. My Mom never remarried. My Mom never recovered. I was too young at the time, to understand what was going on. The youngest of my brothers was 13 at the time and just recently he told me something that may explain why Mom never recovered. He told he that Mom and Dad were making love when he had the heart attack. She had also lost her Dad and two of her siblings when she was young and my Grandma years later, after battling Multiple Sclerosis for years. I guess I admire her for her courage and strength. The five of us studied in the best schools and colleges, and all with her sacrifice. We did help too, but I was still too young at the time. So all of this time, she has been looking up to my Dad's Father. My Grandpa was a wise man, a mentor. He died last Valentine's Day. Ever since then, Mom has turned out to be a pain. I can't stand her. Not that before we had such of a big relationship, but now I really can't stand her. I can't stand being call a liar all the time. She can't remember anything, she doesn't understand anything! And on top of all, she ignores me. Everything I say doesn't have value, unless someone else says so, even if it's a bum on the street. It so humiliating! I don't want to take care of her. I can't stand her. Everything I do or say is wrong! My siblings are all married, with kids; they have their own lives. I am the youngest, and single. They say that I have a whole life ahead of me, and that it is my duty. To me, it is not fair, because I see it the other way. They already lived their lives, they are all older than 33. I could pay for most of the care expenses, but I cannot be in the same room with her.

I am SO MAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My Father has AD! Why?!?!?!? What did he ever do but love and help others? Why can't they find a cure? I love my Father he has always been my rock! I'm being selfish, I want him to be healthy and ALIVE!! Now I'm mad at myself for being selfish! Why? Why? Why?

I'm angry that I'm too afraid to take my motherr to the doctor to find out for sure what I already know, she has als. It's hell to have to break her heart over and over when she forgets the doctor told her she can no longer drive. Why do I always have to be the bad guy? It's hard to watch her emotional pain and know I can not make it better for her . Maybe God will help.

I've worked at a long term care center specializing in dementia &alzheimers for the last five years, because both of my grandmothers were there across the hall from each other..it has been a tough 10 years since we learned of her diagnosis, but harder on the family - dealing with losing her. she was taken care of as well as could be expected at a nursing home like this but what is this...not just alzheimers but all diseases that happen to people...a test of faith,ethics there are theoligical debates but give me something more or will we just kill each other? When I am diagnosised with dementia Alzheimers-type I want the option to end my life rather than suffer the cruel care of others,..sure there are nice people but mostly bad people who are just doing 9 to 5.

HANG IN THERE! IT'S A ROTTEN ILLNESS LOOK FOR THE LOVE-FOR US IT WAS THE ONLY WAY THROUGH.

"...we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us..." St. Paul; Romans 5:3-5

My dad died in September of AD. We only had to take care of him for about 6 months. He lived at home alone up until May. His disease progressed very quickly and he just died in his sleep on 9-25-97. He was 67. I was mad - am still mad because it's such an ugly disease. The last few weeks he was very difficult. Now I'm mad at myself because I read the wall of anger. How could I have been so selfish. Many - most caregivers must go through the tough times for years. I'm thankful that my dad always knew who I was. Sometimes he couldn't remember by name, but he knew I was his daughter. I miss him.

I am so angry at everything! I am angry that my Dad has Alzheimers and I am angry that my Mom has to take care of him. I am angry at my siblings for not understanding what Mom is going through. I am angry that I cannot make it go away. I am angry at my husband for everything that he does even if it is nothing important. I am angry at myself for being angry at him. I am angry at my Mom for not getting the support and help she needs. I am also angry at her for not doing the suggestions that I give her to help them. I am angry that my children will not know their grandfather. I am angry that I live so far away and I can't do more to help. I am angry that I am not myself and can't control my moods and emotions. I am angry at the future and what it is going to bring...

Why didn't we realize sooner what was wrong with Mother? The years and years and years when she was slowly losing it and all we could do was be angry at her for not functioning... for getting weirder and weirder. But would it have helped to know? Wouln't that have hurt her more, to know she had this incurable thing that was just going to get worse?
In those days, before we realized the problem, she used to say things like, "I wish I could die quickly." She was so wise, we didn't realize...
She knew a long, long time before we started to admit it, that she was losing parts of her mind. How she clung on.
Why wasn't there someone who knew, who could have helped me to
understand? I'm angry at all those wasted years. Hers, his, ours, mine.
I'm angry at things not said when there was time to comprehend them. Maybe they would have been forgotten anyway, or maybe not. It's amazing what remained after it seemed everything was forgotten. The person. The essence.
Or maybe I said them, and I just don't remember now through all this pain.

It is so difficult to be with this very powerful emotion. Today is one of those days that are unbearable. How does one learn to release all this in a gentle way? Or at least a way that doesn not harm anyone else?

I hate this disease, hate what it has done to my family, i hate the fact that my mother is no longer acting like an adult, that she needs to be taken care of , etc. I hate her lack of independence that we cannot talk about books or movies or poetry anymore. I hate the fact that she can only play very simple games, no more crosswords, I want my MOTHER back the way she was!!!!

My mom has cancer. Somedays she is so starved for breath I can't imagine how she hangs on, or why. It is easy to take care of her when she is like this. When she gets her breath and her mind back, which occurs about every other day, She is hell to live with. We tried to help, move her closer, pay the bills...But that is not good enough. She wants something different and doesn't realize we are just trying to help. I want to wash my hands of her. She is just using us like she always has. The world revolves around her and anything/anyone else is insignificant. She is married but to a man who is lucky to remember his own phone number. He is responsible to and for her. Why are the kids expected to take care of her now...We did it our whole childhood. I am finally learning to take care of myself and my own family and now I am a terrible person for not driving four hours everyday I have off and paying for a bigger apartment for her and her husband to live in. She! wanted more light. We found a place closer to where us kids and our family live..only across town from where she is now... But still an hour closer. We said we would help with that rent and be more available to help her because she would be closer. That's not good enough, she wants to stay where she is at but move to a larger apartment in that complex and still have one of us kids with her at every waking moment....she doesn't want to die alone. We just can't do it. She won't compromise and she is just using us for money, again. I cried myself to sleep so many times since the cancer started eating her body. Now, I am sad that she has suffered so but I also am so tired of being used and manipulated even from her death bed. Mercy Killing is not just for the paitent...The family is suffering the same if not more. I was hoping she would change from the self centered depressed/depressing, manipulating woman when she learned of her cancer and the prognosis. She has only used it to manipulate more. I am sick with grief and the thought of being with out her but I don't want to help or care anymore. Sick of it...

I'm frustrated and angry. I know quite a bit of it is some suppressed grief. This happens to me a lot. I get along fine for awhile, then it stirs again. What grief? Today, I think it's the pain of having had a breakdown way back in 1984. It seems like I should be over that by now. Actually, I never really dealt with it in any significant way. I just wanted to put it all behind me. Now it's surfacing 13 years later. I just hate having to go through all this stuff. I hate that it happened. I hate that my family had to experience that whole thing. The pain is just too much some days, or it just seems to be too much. I grieve the humiliation, the poor care I received, the terrible confusion and torment. I greive for what my wife and little babies had to witness. But I grateful as well. In the depths of my very worst hours I got down on my knees and asked God to help me. I was agnostic until that time. Soon I came to know Jesus and learned all the things that I done wrong were forgiven. And all the pain and suffering I had to endure had meaning. But you know, it stills hurts and I still grieve. When will this stop? I just have to trust and keep going, keep being honest, keep dealing with the issues of my heart. God will take care of the rest.

I hate alzhimers disease. My mom has been diagnosised with it for about four years. It has progressed slowly but each stage gets harder to deal with. She is now in the stage of thinking someone has stolen from her )ie.me) I am the one who has to take care of her most of the time. My feelings get hurt a lot. I wish that I could get angry sometimes.

I am a caregiver to my Mom. I do get annoyed many times, but I feel for your pain and sorrow and I had tears reading your stories. God Bless you all and give you strength.

I don't understand my anger. I just realized I had a problem recently. I saw my dad put my mom through hell a lot when I was groing up--and I hoped I would NEVER be like him. I am a 27 year old woman with a husband to die for. I know any woman in her right mind(which I'm not now) would love to have a man as wonderful as he is. He is not a "STUD" to most--but he is SO beautiful because of his kindness. What scares me is that I'm so afraid that since I'm so horrible to him that I'll make him think horrible about himself. I know how much he loves me and he'd never leave me; but why do I have to put him through this hell that my mom went through with my dad. My husband and I grew up together (I was 7; he was 9 when we met) We got married when I was 22; he 24 and he was in the military. I agreed to get married at the time because the military was going to send him away from me. I had to drop out of college--which I was almost done with to be with him. I don't really think I blame him; but his job, I guess. We got stationed 8 months after our marriage in Alaksa away from everything I know and love. I was not prepared. I met a good friend, and since my husband was on a ship all the time, we hung out more than me and my husband. We drank a lot. Just recently, I started to realize I drinking too much. My friend moved away and I thought it'd go away; but I drink alone now--because I am alone. I'm so angry at myself because I know better than this behavior; and because I get so irriated at the smallest things my husband will do wrong. Recently, we decided to try to have kids. Being married for 5 years we thought maybe there was a problem, so we got tested and HE was diagnosed with "no sperm". This made me even more upset and I could focus my anger at him for a reason now. I hate this way of life. If he decides to tickle me when I'm doing something--I get PISSED and yell at him--even though I know hes trying to "love" me. I don't even feel sexually attracted to him because of the "baby" thing--although I really didn't care to have a child in the first place. I just wanted him in my life forever and ever. I guess I hate the fact that I can't do what I want or have what I want and it pisses me off. I wish I could get a response from someone to tell me to lighten up on him; I think maybe that's all I need. Thanks for reading about my stupid anger problem.

I am so angry. I just lost my mother to Alzheimer's disease 5 months ago. I am angry that I messed up and I never did get to tell her I was sorry. I miss her so much. If only I had one more chance to tell her that I love her. My mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's when I was 18 years old and she began to forget things years before. I was a awlful kid. I guess I wasn't as bad as some, but I just wish I could tell her that I am sorry. I am angry that my kids don't have a grandmother and I angry that I don't have her to teach me things. Sometimes, I get so depressed because I don't have her. I was there when mom took her final breath along with my oldest sister and my father. I felt like my life was over. I never knew pain like this before. I just couldn't understand Why it had to be her. She never did anything to hurt anyone and she had to go out like this. She was the best mother anyone could ask for and I was so mean to her. Please mom, forgive me.! Ilove you.